We're having a break.....
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: where the hell am i and what am i doing here?
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by LS2 
Originally Posted by Thumper
She is so right about the text messages/email/etc. It is so easy to get hooked. I have to have some contact. It is so hard. No contact is truly the kindest thing you can do for yourself right now. It doesn't have to be forever. You can change your mind about anything.
No he's not. You are doing this for yourself. Anything you do for yourself makes you the winner. You might not feel like it now but when you look back, you will see it and you will feel it. Doing the right thing for yourself always makes you the winner.
I was where you are at for a very very very long time. I should have taken some 'no contact' time at that point - so I could think clearly and get some footing on what was going on with me. I did not. I stayed....and it nearly destroyed me. The love evaporated and I still stayed. I began to detest him..and I still stayed. I hated myself...and I still stayed. Years were wasted. Children were born :cry: I became mired deeper and deeper in codependency. I feel so damaged as person now, like I'll never be fit for another relationship. Like I will never even want one.
Do not let that be you. Find recovery for yourself. Find it now - you deserve it. You've taken the first step in asking for some space. Don't shy away - keep fighting for yourself. Finding recovery is not about ending or staying in a relationship. It is about becoming a healthy person so you can make a decision that you can live with, a decision that is good for you personally.
You can have what you want IWC. You can have it, you just have to look in the right place.
That was very moving for me-Thank you. You have such great words, seriously...I am sitting here in tears as that made me really think deeply.
She is so right about the text messages/email/etc. It is so easy to get hooked. I have to have some contact. It is so hard. No contact is truly the kindest thing you can do for yourself right now. It doesn't have to be forever. You can change your mind about anything.
No he's not. You are doing this for yourself. Anything you do for yourself makes you the winner. You might not feel like it now but when you look back, you will see it and you will feel it. Doing the right thing for yourself always makes you the winner.
I was where you are at for a very very very long time. I should have taken some 'no contact' time at that point - so I could think clearly and get some footing on what was going on with me. I did not. I stayed....and it nearly destroyed me. The love evaporated and I still stayed. I began to detest him..and I still stayed. I hated myself...and I still stayed. Years were wasted. Children were born :cry: I became mired deeper and deeper in codependency. I feel so damaged as person now, like I'll never be fit for another relationship. Like I will never even want one.
Do not let that be you. Find recovery for yourself. Find it now - you deserve it. You've taken the first step in asking for some space. Don't shy away - keep fighting for yourself. Finding recovery is not about ending or staying in a relationship. It is about becoming a healthy person so you can make a decision that you can live with, a decision that is good for you personally.
You can have what you want IWC. You can have it, you just have to look in the right place.
That was very moving for me-Thank you. You have such great words, seriously...I am sitting here in tears as that made me really think deeply.
I stayed....and it nearly destroyed me. The love evaporated and I still stayed. I began to detest him..and I still stayed. I hated myself...and I still stayed. Years were wasted. Children were born :cry: I became mired deeper and deeper in codependency. I feel so damaged as person now .
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 56
I made a list to help me decide to stay or go.
I thought I might share my thoughts.
Why do I want to stay?
• Don’t want to be alone again
• I want to be in a loving relationship with a man that meets some of my needs
• I can see that this man can give me some of what I need, house, kids, love, attention, companionship
• We have so many of the same interests Im afraid I wont find someone the same
• He accepts me for who I am never criticises me or says anything about the way I look
• Scared of what my friends will say if I have another failed relationship
• I will feel like a failure if I don’t give this relationship a try
• Perhaps I am over reacting?
• Not fulfilling the future plans we said we would
• Hope that he will change and be the person I want him to be
• Afraid I will never find someone to treat me as good as he does when he is sober
• Cant handle the jealousy I will have if I see my friends are happy in their relationships and I am alone
• Facing single life all over again and trying to get over this
• I’ve already let him into my life and he has met my friends and family
• I don’t want to have to face all the questions that people will ask if we breakup
• I’m scared he will harm himself if I leave
• I feel sorry for him
• Having to start over again and change all my future dreams
• Feeling like a massive failure yet again and ashamed that I cant make a relationship work
• Because I love him
Why do I want to leave?
• Afraid that his drinking will always cause problems
• All the times I thought that we would go out and have fun it has ended in arguments because of his drinking or his shyness and anxiety
• I feel I deserve to be 100% happy
• I don’t like the person I become when he is drunk (mean, argue, put him down, angry)
• He has already made me cry numerous times and hurt me in the short time we have been together
• We have talked about his problem and nothing has changed
• I’m afraid that it will be too hard for him to change
• I don’t like his neediness
• He smothers me with too much attention when we are together and doesn’t know when to draw the line
• If he doesn’t know how to be in a relationship – Its not my responsibility to show him
• His friends will always make him drink
• I don’t have the energy to face another man with problems and have to help him through life
• I don’t want to have children with a man who is an alcoholic as I’m afraid my children will turn into alcoholics and not have the life they deserve
• Im concerned that he will have health problems early in life
• I feel that in the short time we have been together it has been more hard work than enjoyment and its affecting my job and mental wellbeing
• Because of this I need to see a dr and go on anti-depressants to help me stay strong
• I have already felt like leaving numerous time dues to his behaviour when he is drinking, what’s to say it wont happen again if I live with him, where will I go?
• I don’t want to put my family through anymore worry and hurt
• His unreasonable behaviour towards his friends when they wouldn’t do something for him
• He is very immature when drunk and puts on a façade when sober
• He acts like the victim
• I don’t want to get depressed and withdrawn due to this problem which will happen if I stay or go, but if I stay it will happen a lot more frequent
I thought I might share my thoughts.
Why do I want to stay?
• Don’t want to be alone again
• I want to be in a loving relationship with a man that meets some of my needs
• I can see that this man can give me some of what I need, house, kids, love, attention, companionship
• We have so many of the same interests Im afraid I wont find someone the same
• He accepts me for who I am never criticises me or says anything about the way I look
• Scared of what my friends will say if I have another failed relationship
• I will feel like a failure if I don’t give this relationship a try
• Perhaps I am over reacting?
• Not fulfilling the future plans we said we would
• Hope that he will change and be the person I want him to be
• Afraid I will never find someone to treat me as good as he does when he is sober
• Cant handle the jealousy I will have if I see my friends are happy in their relationships and I am alone
• Facing single life all over again and trying to get over this
• I’ve already let him into my life and he has met my friends and family
• I don’t want to have to face all the questions that people will ask if we breakup
• I’m scared he will harm himself if I leave
• I feel sorry for him
• Having to start over again and change all my future dreams
• Feeling like a massive failure yet again and ashamed that I cant make a relationship work
• Because I love him
Why do I want to leave?
• Afraid that his drinking will always cause problems
• All the times I thought that we would go out and have fun it has ended in arguments because of his drinking or his shyness and anxiety
• I feel I deserve to be 100% happy
• I don’t like the person I become when he is drunk (mean, argue, put him down, angry)
• He has already made me cry numerous times and hurt me in the short time we have been together
• We have talked about his problem and nothing has changed
• I’m afraid that it will be too hard for him to change
• I don’t like his neediness
• He smothers me with too much attention when we are together and doesn’t know when to draw the line
• If he doesn’t know how to be in a relationship – Its not my responsibility to show him
• His friends will always make him drink
• I don’t have the energy to face another man with problems and have to help him through life
• I don’t want to have children with a man who is an alcoholic as I’m afraid my children will turn into alcoholics and not have the life they deserve
• Im concerned that he will have health problems early in life
• I feel that in the short time we have been together it has been more hard work than enjoyment and its affecting my job and mental wellbeing
• Because of this I need to see a dr and go on anti-depressants to help me stay strong
• I have already felt like leaving numerous time dues to his behaviour when he is drinking, what’s to say it wont happen again if I live with him, where will I go?
• I don’t want to put my family through anymore worry and hurt
• His unreasonable behaviour towards his friends when they wouldn’t do something for him
• He is very immature when drunk and puts on a façade when sober
• He acts like the victim
• I don’t want to get depressed and withdrawn due to this problem which will happen if I stay or go, but if I stay it will happen a lot more frequent
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 357
stella and anvilhead - i appreciate your opinions and just because I dont automatically do what you tell me to do, doesn't mean I dont think about what you've said and add it to the whole solution in my head. I dont believe I was particularly defensive in my answer above - I jsut told you that I do love him, and even when you love someone it is possible to be angry at them and want them to feel a little bit of how they've made you feel (think about siblings if you've got them, i'm sure you love them but have wanted to annoy them in the past if they've done soemthing to annoy you. everyone is only human).
jess01 - thanks for your list. I recognise many points on there myself.
jess01 - thanks for your list. I recognise many points on there myself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 357
i also just wanted to say that I've thought a bit about what sort of break we're having. I've spoken to him a couple of times when he's called (only if sober, which he has been) and think I will continue to speak to him occasionally like this. I wont be seeing him this weekend as usual. He asked me on the phone if we'll be seeing each other and when I said no, he just said OK and he'll miss me etc. That feels weird. I guess i was hoping he'd put up a little resistance to not seeiing me. Still, I suppose it makes it easier for me. Alhough I had a part of me that wanted to just say sure we can see each other, because he was being so reasonable and we both want to. Must try to stay strong on that.
He also told me this morning on the phone that one of his alkie 'mates' (a huge loser and horrible person) turned up at his this morning very drunk and is still there waiting for a taxi. Hmmm, now my usual feelings of wondering what is going on are creeping back. I almost asked him to let me know when he's gone but I just managed to stop myself. It is these little improvements I need to cling on to. I'm worried that the 'mate' will stay there all day and brought alcohol with him, and so ABF will start drinking and lend him money (which he never gets back). Now, I've written this here to get it out of my systam and stop me asking ABF about it. It isn't my problem. I dont need to worry about it. Even if the worst case scenario is happening, it doesn't need to affect me. I am here on my own, doing my own thing and don't need to give space in my head to the antics of a few drunk alcoholics. There, now I just need to take my own advice. Sorry for the baby steps.
He also told me this morning on the phone that one of his alkie 'mates' (a huge loser and horrible person) turned up at his this morning very drunk and is still there waiting for a taxi. Hmmm, now my usual feelings of wondering what is going on are creeping back. I almost asked him to let me know when he's gone but I just managed to stop myself. It is these little improvements I need to cling on to. I'm worried that the 'mate' will stay there all day and brought alcohol with him, and so ABF will start drinking and lend him money (which he never gets back). Now, I've written this here to get it out of my systam and stop me asking ABF about it. It isn't my problem. I dont need to worry about it. Even if the worst case scenario is happening, it doesn't need to affect me. I am here on my own, doing my own thing and don't need to give space in my head to the antics of a few drunk alcoholics. There, now I just need to take my own advice. Sorry for the baby steps.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 56
Dont be sorry..
This is a very confusing and hard time for right now.
You dont need to justify yourself to anyone.
There are people here to give you advice, its up to you whether you take it or not, but ultimately you must do whats right for yourself.
You will go through a range of emotions in the next few months. There will be stages of weakness and vulnerability.
Stay as strong as you can when this hits.
I think you are on the right path. Keep your head high and your thoughts pure and one day you will get out of this mess.
This is a very confusing and hard time for right now.
You dont need to justify yourself to anyone.
There are people here to give you advice, its up to you whether you take it or not, but ultimately you must do whats right for yourself.
You will go through a range of emotions in the next few months. There will be stages of weakness and vulnerability.
Stay as strong as you can when this hits.
I think you are on the right path. Keep your head high and your thoughts pure and one day you will get out of this mess.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
(((IWC))))
Your last post was awesome, congratulations on your baby steps! Baby steps are better than no steps, and are really better than steps back, so celebrate every one of them.
When I was first detaching a bit from the two A's in my life (my AF and now XABF) I found that whenever I was talking to them, taking extra breaths helped alot. Instead of rushing into saying what I would usually say, I would take a deep breath and exhale, and during those few seconds I would decide if what I was going to say was healthy or not, and then decide if I still wanted to say it. Many times I chose not to say or react as I originally wanted to. It's amazing how much easier it was to deal with both of them when I changed how I reacted to things they said or did!
hope and prayers to you, keep up the good work!
Your last post was awesome, congratulations on your baby steps! Baby steps are better than no steps, and are really better than steps back, so celebrate every one of them.
When I was first detaching a bit from the two A's in my life (my AF and now XABF) I found that whenever I was talking to them, taking extra breaths helped alot. Instead of rushing into saying what I would usually say, I would take a deep breath and exhale, and during those few seconds I would decide if what I was going to say was healthy or not, and then decide if I still wanted to say it. Many times I chose not to say or react as I originally wanted to. It's amazing how much easier it was to deal with both of them when I changed how I reacted to things they said or did!
hope and prayers to you, keep up the good work!
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by iwantcontrol
Hmmm, now my usual feelings of wondering what is going on are creeping back. I almost asked him to let me know when he's gone but I just managed to stop myself.
What's the difference?
Isn't he drinking, and on a regular basis, and drinking to an extreme?
I don't get the wondering and worrying, when you already know.
And, iwant -- you're right, the baby steps are something to take stock in. Just need to build on them to move forward. I have faith that you will.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 357
i think maybe the reason i've wanted to know in the past is becasue I always want to have all the facts and always want to know what is going on (it is a fault I am very aware of). I also thought that if I knew what was going on then it might actually be better in real life than what i've imagined to be going on - then that would make me feel better. Sounds deluded probably. You're right - it doesn't matter. I know he's drinking nearly every day, I know he hangs about with loser mates, I know he lies to me. That is all I really need to know.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: NYC
Posts: 132
why should i keep putting him first when he never puts me first?
We recently got back in touch and I just found that I was furious with him and really let him have it. He wants to "try again" but I just feel all the hurt and the pain of the past. How I trusted him and how he let me down. I completely exploded.
Sometimes we can't fix it.
Jess01 I can relate to your list...it could have been mine. I have those same feelings of "is almost good enough good enough?" What I found is that the frustration from this person not being able to meet my needs would probably eventually kill me. He simply can't show up for the relationship, and he has no idea how to do that.
In our conversation after I got really angry and told him how frustrating it had been for me that he couldn't simply show up for me, stay in the relationship and be there for me consistently, he ran off at the end of the conversation and told me he was going to be incommunicado because he was going to be away for 2 weeks. So there you have it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 357
I think the realisation that this may be it between us is starting to hit me. He phoned me and I thought he'd be sober so I answered - turns out he's been with that drunk mate all day and is drunk now. I immediatley broke down as I kind of thought he was starting to realise he needs to change things, but turns out he'd lied to me today and was drinking. I'm so upset right now. I've turned off my phone so he cant call again. Why did I even think he could change or that losing me would make the slightest difference? I really think it's going to be over soon. I'm writing this through the tears. Earlier I was starting to think that we'd be OK after a few weeks apart, now I dont even want to talk to him.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
IWC...you're not pathetic. You've had your heart broken by an alcoholic you dearly wanted to believe in. You're being given an opportunity to realize that this man won't change, no matter what. That's so important!
Good for you for turning off your phone and giving yourself some space. You deserve a break!
Good for you for turning off your phone and giving yourself some space. You deserve a break!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by iwantcontrol
I feel so alone. Like I've got nothing. I sound pathetic and that makes it worse.
Believe me, I know what it is to feel like there's nothing without that someone. I gave up so much of myself trying to make things work that at the end of it, I felt dead - dead to me, dead to him, dead to everything and yet I *still* tried to make it work.
Getting out of it has been the best thing that ever could have happened, 'cause the fact is, I do have something: ME - and the only way I was going to get me back was by getting rid of the 220lbs of dead weight I'd been carrying around with me for all those years.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 54
IWC, you're right... our situations are so similar, its scary... i've been where you are and think I'm heading there again and it scares me. You need to keep yourself busy, I know its easier said than done, I completely understand that. I didnt eat or sleep and sat on the sofa all evening straight after work, not even taking off my coat. Stared at my phone constantky, and cried on and off and on and off. It'll take time.. but soon you'll remember what life was like without him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 357
skope - believe me, i've had a few evenings like that too. Just sitting there watching the phone.
I am trying to keep myself busy. It feels nice to have the phone off. I haven't done that before. I keep thinking to myself that it is off because he is drinking and anything he is going to say is total BS and is only going to make me feel worse. I know there is still a chance that we'll work through this but it's getting smaller and smaller all the time. I just cant believe that he'd rather have that life than one sober with me. that hurts. Even though it's not really about me, it feels like it is because it suggests to me that I'm not good enough to quit drinking for. I know alcoholism doesnt work like that but doesnt stop me feeling it.
Thanks everyone for being there. It really helps.
I am trying to keep myself busy. It feels nice to have the phone off. I haven't done that before. I keep thinking to myself that it is off because he is drinking and anything he is going to say is total BS and is only going to make me feel worse. I know there is still a chance that we'll work through this but it's getting smaller and smaller all the time. I just cant believe that he'd rather have that life than one sober with me. that hurts. Even though it's not really about me, it feels like it is because it suggests to me that I'm not good enough to quit drinking for. I know alcoholism doesnt work like that but doesnt stop me feeling it.
Thanks everyone for being there. It really helps.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
The truth is you aren't worth quitting drinking--TO HIM. In fact, it's likely that there is no one alive who is worth quitting drinking--TO HIM.
Does that mean you don't have value? Of course not! It just means you don't have value--TO HIM. The question to ask yourself is why you so desperately want to give yourself to someone who doesn't value you?
L
Does that mean you don't have value? Of course not! It just means you don't have value--TO HIM. The question to ask yourself is why you so desperately want to give yourself to someone who doesn't value you?
L
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 357
and it is a sad and horrible truth to come to terms with. I've had my phone off all evening so I dont know if he even bothered to call. Not sure what tomorrow will bring. I expect he'll phone in the morning as if nothing has happened, and probably to him nothing has happened.
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