Finally Going No Contact
 

So after a few recent encounters and anxiety-provoking conversations with my XAH, I have finally seen the light and decided to go No Contact with my ex.

I was becoming majorly triggered because I know he is running out of the divorce settlement money I gave him, like down to his last few hundred running out, and is soon to be homeless. He had told me he needed my help getting to a few job interviews, and like a fool I wanted to believe and thought I could help. Plus I just really wanted to relieve my anxiety, which was at sky-high levels because what I had always feared the most (that he would become a homeless bum) seemed likely to come to pass, and I figured it was again my job to try and "save him" from himself and his own bad decisions.

Boy, what a cluster **** did that turn out to be. He basically wanted me to have sex with him, and when I refused, turned really mean. But even that wasn't enough to deter Codie Me (because what I wanted to tell him was that even though I was in a relationship now, if he would just sober up and stay sober for a year and get in AA, I would give him another chance--not even because I wanted to really, but I got myself in such a state thinking about his problems and dire situation that I convinced myself that it was OK if I sacrificed my happiness in order to "help him out"). I still had to call back the next day to say, "If you still want me to drive you to your job interviews, I will". Somehow he interpreted that as, "I have agreed to have sex with you", so I eventually got smart enough to shut off the phone and then hide it so I wouldn't even have to deal with the stress of seeing how many times he had tried to call me/text me.

I still feel very anxious and crappy, but not enough to want to sacrifice the small bit of piece of mind I've gotten from just not listening anymore. Plus, my therapists wisdom is I think finally getting through. He has said to me all along that the truly loving act is to NOT HELP. NOT CALL. Let him fully know that his choices have brought him to this. That he is not mentally ********, and can damn well figure out on his own how to get out of this hole. Someone posted recently on another thread that the Codie can be so, so selfish in that he/she will persist in "trying to help" or "enabling" to relieve his/her own anxiety that he/she will get in the way of the A's bottom to such a degree that he/she may never get it, true recovery that is.

I'm starting to believe that that is true. But I also know that some of them do never get it, so I'm trying to not fool myself into believing that me getting out of his way guarantees a happy outcome. More than likely, it will not. But I do know that with me meddling, he's never gotten well and stayed well ever. If we always do what we've always done, we'll always get what we've always got.

Which, struck me in THIS context,
as you refused him the ultimate act of ownership.

It wasn't about driving to the job interviews.

it was ALL about 'getting a hook' in.
tacky little pun there, but ... well that's what it is.

GOOD for you with standing your ground.

he's not going to KNOW that he did this....
until HE has to actually BE ... 'in what he made'...
and until that imaginary window of getting rescued

is closed once and for all.

And YOU can now use all that extra energy
to repair yourself.

Congratulations!! NC is a GREAT healer.
My skin and overall health has improved since, and the spark in my eyes is coming back, as well with my long forgotten enthusiasm :)

Sounds like you have had enough of his mucking around, and decided to bail before he gets right up that creek, and looks to you to do the paddling. I hope you enjoy peace from his quacking.

God bless

really glad for you.

ain't progress wonderful?

Don't cha just love progress..........stand strong hunny

Janitw

I think no contact is the best thing since someone took a couple pieces of the sliced bread they just invented and put peanut butter and jelly between them.

Enjoy the silence!

As tough as NC is, I think you've had some amazing realizations about where you stand and whose happiness you value most (your own!).

Yay for you :D

NC is brutal at times.

You will have your A contact you, say they don't want any more of your BS and stress, while it is actually them that is initiating the BS and stress by contacting you, whilst at the same time turning it around on you, even though you haven't done anything.....

So I think the logic goes:

"Hey you, sitting there minding your own business not saying anything, I don't want anymore of your crap and I'm sick of all the stress you have caused me."

The minute you bite on that hook you're done for.

Makes my head spin.

It takes practice and the anxiety can be overwhelming at times.

Today my ex contacted me about my daughter, saying that I am somehow causing her stress that she doesn't need whilst she's taking care of the child.....the thing is, I haven't talked or had contact with ex A in about 3 weeks.....

I dunno. I just don't know.

Good for you MQ! I hope this will be a more peaceful few months.

It is so hard and duped nailed it on the head. He is exactly right about them telling you to leave them alone when we have been sitting here not saying one word the entire time. My ex is constantly doing that to me.

I still get so enmeshed and triggered when it comes to the kids. I replied to damn email this morning. The first one since before Christmas. I posted here once before and didn't reply. I'm so mad at myself and now I'm obsessing about not only the email, but the very fact I replied. I need to let it go. I should have let it go this morning and now I really need to let it go. I can't take the email back. It doesn't matter what was said. It has all been said a thousand times.

The beautiful thing about no contact is that you really can let what they said go after a time. Once you respond, you are in it then. It is so much easier to let it go if you ignore it (or just block it entirely if you can) - or at least it is for me.

I agree with Thumper.

There comes a point where its all just a Huge Combo of Madness Your Wonderful Self needs no part of. And it is easier to let it ALL go instead of struggling with every tiny word or memory or assumption....

Life has great things in store for you MQ. Its not if there are great things.. its if YOU are willing to receive them... so glad you are starting to accept gifts life has to offer...such as peace and serenity

So true and 100% right. If only feelings weren't there. Stay strong and know you are doing the right thing in a loving way. Thanks for sharing your experience.