Hope AD's bottom will not be death!
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Hope AD's bottom will not be death!
I posted a few weeks ago about my AD and her drug issues, family court case, cps case, and I have temporary custody of her kids right now for a month. I posted over at f&f of substance abusers also, but figured my friends here might be able to help me.
I'm in a little dilemma, and any opinions you can give me would be greatly appreciated. I've had my AD's two daughters since Sept, when CPS placed them with me on what they call a "private plan". Two months ago, I petitioned for custody, and my D entered family court treatment court, was to go IOP and report to treatment court once a week. The judge put off my custody petition due to the fact that my husband is, in the judge's words, "an alcoholic" who did get 3 dwi's within one week, in Sept. I made it known to the judge that at the time my H got those DWI's, he was not living at my home, I had filed separation papers and he was living 200 miles away from us (me and my granddaughters). She did not seem to care, just wanted to "preserve the mother's rights to get her children back quickly" because I am married to an alcoholic. He has been sober 6 mos. now, attends outpatient treatment 3 x a week, goes to AA meetings, and is on 3 years probation for the dwi's. He is doing well so far. But I can understand where the judge is coming from in this one with respect to that. CPS told the judge the children are fine w/me, they go along w/my petition, but the judge wanted me to be an "intervenor" and cps would not go along with that, they need to protect the dept. from any liability. If I got custody, cps would step out of the picture, cause they feel the children are fine w/me, they just can't agree to intervenor status because my husband is on probation (it's against dept. regs/policies).
In any event, my daughter has now been kicked out of 3 outpatient programs in 2 mons., plus two weeks ago, she went inpatient, and was kicked out of there last Fri cause she tested positive for drugs (they had a feeling she was high the whole time she was there). She claimed they were "medicating" her, but she was very out of it, slurring even on the phone when she'd call. She also tried to tell me that while she was inpatient, she "shared a cigarette" with an HIV positive girl who had sores on her mouth, so the inpatient center gave her something to prevent HIV. She said this is why she was also discharged. I don't know if that's true or not at all, since she is a compulsive liar. She supposedly is now at the county hospital in their detox unit, after living on the streets again for the weekend. This has been her pattern for months. She called me the other day and told me they want to put her on methadone cause she had taken vicodin. Now, I never heard of this before. Heroin/methadone, yes, vicodin/methadone no. But I don't know drug addicts, I can be wrong. My opinion is, she wants to be "legally" medicated for the rest of her life. Or, she can be a heroin addict also. I told her not to call me or her kids until she completes a 30 day inpatient treatment program. After that she can call us after she is 60 days clean/sober and every 30 days thereafter.
In any event, her drugs of choice was vicodin, xanax, and crack, mixed in with some ambien, not to sleep, but to be zoned out while awake. I know this sounds crazy!!!! At least to me anyway. But now I'm wondering, can she also be doing heroin too??? I mean, can one person do all these drugs??? Like I said, I know alcoholism, but really don't know much about drug addiction or drugs. And if this be the case, and considering she is homeless, has lost all her belongings, her family, friends, her own children, doesn't have a job or transportation, and she is still using, what is going to be her bottom? I have let go, I really have. I've let her be homeless, I've not given rides to her, I've not taken her phone calls, I haven't let her speak to her kids, I've gone no contact (only sometimes, due to court and cps, I needed to speak w/her, but I've since straightened that out w/cps, they will try and contact her directly). But I fear her bottom will be death, and she will leave behind 2 little girls who will be devasted (she was a good mom up until two years ago). And I usually don't even think about my daughter, I really don't at all, but in the last couple of days, I don't have a good feeling, and I was actually thinking of writing Dr. Phil or something about her, in a one last ditch effort to get her help she truly needs before she does die, which I think will only be a matter of time but at the rate she is going, pretty soon!
Any words of wisdom will be appreciated. I'm sure you all know how hard it is when it's your own child .... Thanks.
I'm in a little dilemma, and any opinions you can give me would be greatly appreciated. I've had my AD's two daughters since Sept, when CPS placed them with me on what they call a "private plan". Two months ago, I petitioned for custody, and my D entered family court treatment court, was to go IOP and report to treatment court once a week. The judge put off my custody petition due to the fact that my husband is, in the judge's words, "an alcoholic" who did get 3 dwi's within one week, in Sept. I made it known to the judge that at the time my H got those DWI's, he was not living at my home, I had filed separation papers and he was living 200 miles away from us (me and my granddaughters). She did not seem to care, just wanted to "preserve the mother's rights to get her children back quickly" because I am married to an alcoholic. He has been sober 6 mos. now, attends outpatient treatment 3 x a week, goes to AA meetings, and is on 3 years probation for the dwi's. He is doing well so far. But I can understand where the judge is coming from in this one with respect to that. CPS told the judge the children are fine w/me, they go along w/my petition, but the judge wanted me to be an "intervenor" and cps would not go along with that, they need to protect the dept. from any liability. If I got custody, cps would step out of the picture, cause they feel the children are fine w/me, they just can't agree to intervenor status because my husband is on probation (it's against dept. regs/policies).
In any event, my daughter has now been kicked out of 3 outpatient programs in 2 mons., plus two weeks ago, she went inpatient, and was kicked out of there last Fri cause she tested positive for drugs (they had a feeling she was high the whole time she was there). She claimed they were "medicating" her, but she was very out of it, slurring even on the phone when she'd call. She also tried to tell me that while she was inpatient, she "shared a cigarette" with an HIV positive girl who had sores on her mouth, so the inpatient center gave her something to prevent HIV. She said this is why she was also discharged. I don't know if that's true or not at all, since she is a compulsive liar. She supposedly is now at the county hospital in their detox unit, after living on the streets again for the weekend. This has been her pattern for months. She called me the other day and told me they want to put her on methadone cause she had taken vicodin. Now, I never heard of this before. Heroin/methadone, yes, vicodin/methadone no. But I don't know drug addicts, I can be wrong. My opinion is, she wants to be "legally" medicated for the rest of her life. Or, she can be a heroin addict also. I told her not to call me or her kids until she completes a 30 day inpatient treatment program. After that she can call us after she is 60 days clean/sober and every 30 days thereafter.
In any event, her drugs of choice was vicodin, xanax, and crack, mixed in with some ambien, not to sleep, but to be zoned out while awake. I know this sounds crazy!!!! At least to me anyway. But now I'm wondering, can she also be doing heroin too??? I mean, can one person do all these drugs??? Like I said, I know alcoholism, but really don't know much about drug addiction or drugs. And if this be the case, and considering she is homeless, has lost all her belongings, her family, friends, her own children, doesn't have a job or transportation, and she is still using, what is going to be her bottom? I have let go, I really have. I've let her be homeless, I've not given rides to her, I've not taken her phone calls, I haven't let her speak to her kids, I've gone no contact (only sometimes, due to court and cps, I needed to speak w/her, but I've since straightened that out w/cps, they will try and contact her directly). But I fear her bottom will be death, and she will leave behind 2 little girls who will be devasted (she was a good mom up until two years ago). And I usually don't even think about my daughter, I really don't at all, but in the last couple of days, I don't have a good feeling, and I was actually thinking of writing Dr. Phil or something about her, in a one last ditch effort to get her help she truly needs before she does die, which I think will only be a matter of time but at the rate she is going, pretty soon!
Any words of wisdom will be appreciated. I'm sure you all know how hard it is when it's your own child .... Thanks.
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
The court appointed one, but he is not doing a hill of beans, never even says anything to the judge. When we were at court last week, CPS atty said they would approve me having permanent custody of the kids, my daughter (and her atty) said they agreed to it, the children's law guardian thinks it's in the best interests of the kids and is on board with it, and the judge still said no, told me flat out "your problem Mrs ___ is that you are married to an alcoholic" and she further went on to say that she also had a problem with the supervised visitation that is court imposed being with me, because she was afraid if my husband was around, he'd trigger my daughter to relapse!!!!!
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
There's never been any history of violence due to your husband's drinking has there??
I'm not quite clear on what the judge's response to your husband attending AA. He's not driving now is he?? I'd see a judge having a problem with the possiblity of your husband drinking while the grand kids were in the car!!
I'm not quite clear on what the judge's response to your husband attending AA. He's not driving now is he?? I'd see a judge having a problem with the possiblity of your husband drinking while the grand kids were in the car!!
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
No, he is not driving at all, has no license for at least 3 years. As for domestic violence, he never assaulted me, although we had several verbal altercations for which I did get an order of protection two years ago, and had to call the police several times to enforce that order, but that was long before the children were living with me and were never at my home during those times. I can see the judge's point, I truly can, I would probably be the same way, but my granddaughters have been living w/me for almost 10 months now, and RAH has been home almost 5 mos., and there has been no incidents, and he is remaining sober, attending his treatment and AA, and if he did happen to relapse, I would take the kids to a safe place (always have a plan B) then call the police. Thing is, their mother has been given chance after chance, like I said before, has been homeless since November, no car, no clothes, no friends, no family and lost her kids, and keeps relapsing, no matter what. I just think the kids need a sense of security and permanency, and it's hard when I have to keep going back to court month after month because the judge wants to "preserve her rights to get her children back in a speedy fashion". IMO, if she wanted her kids back in a speedy fashion she would have gotten/stayed clean/sober when all this began, and she actually would have already completed a treatment program and had them back if she had actually followed thru.
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
So, do you have temporary custody then? What are you hoping to gain by permanent custody? What things would be different?
Either way it is still going to be confusing for the children. I think I would just keep reasuring the children that you will always be there for them and you will keep them safe.
Another thought is, maybe you need to explain to the judge what your plan B is if RAH happens to relapse. Although it doesn't seem like you will change the judges mind anytime soon. It may just take a year + of the court seeing your daughter active in her disease before they will change their veiw??
(((hugs))) I know how diffificult this can be. Try to Let go and Let God
Either way it is still going to be confusing for the children. I think I would just keep reasuring the children that you will always be there for them and you will keep them safe.
Another thought is, maybe you need to explain to the judge what your plan B is if RAH happens to relapse. Although it doesn't seem like you will change the judges mind anytime soon. It may just take a year + of the court seeing your daughter active in her disease before they will change their veiw??
(((hugs))) I know how diffificult this can be. Try to Let go and Let God
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Daisy, I do have temporary custody, good for only a month at a time, if that. I keep losing time off of work for court, not to mention if the kids are sick, school holidays and vacations, etc. This court thing dragging on and court cases weekly, monthly, etc., is absolutely ridiculous if you ask me, especially cause my daughter cannot seem to even get her act together, is still testing positive for all kinds of drugs!!!! If I don't get permanent custody, I can't register the girls in my school district, they still have to attend their school district which is about 10 -12 miles away from my house (and their mother no longer even has an apt. there, she is homeless). They have to get to school early for chorus, extra help, etc., and have to get up extra early to get there. If they were in my school district, they could meet other kids in the area, have playdates, and it would be alot easier if they needed to be picked up for something or taken to something that other friends and family members could help me. The reasoning the court has on keeping them in their old school district is if and when they go back with the mother, they don't want them switching schools again. Well, I have a novel idea, how about if and when the mother gets clean/sober and gets them back, if ever, she get an apt in my school district (rents are not that expensive there) and for once do something for her kids!!!
Captainzing, I had a letter from his therapist, stating the has never missed any sessions, always tests negative on breathalyzer and toxicology, is focused on getting help, etc. Very good letter, but unfortunately, when I told the judge I had the letter, she did not even want to see it cause he's still an "alcoholic". I also have a letter from the children's therapist stating her recommendations (she's met the family, me, my RAH and kids) that custody be given to me, I have a letter from my therapist, but the judge does not want to see any of that. Only wants to "preserve the rights" of a mother who continually does drugs in spite of all this.
Captainzing, I had a letter from his therapist, stating the has never missed any sessions, always tests negative on breathalyzer and toxicology, is focused on getting help, etc. Very good letter, but unfortunately, when I told the judge I had the letter, she did not even want to see it cause he's still an "alcoholic". I also have a letter from the children's therapist stating her recommendations (she's met the family, me, my RAH and kids) that custody be given to me, I have a letter from my therapist, but the judge does not want to see any of that. Only wants to "preserve the rights" of a mother who continually does drugs in spite of all this.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Wow !
Find time in all of this to be still and know how to be your best to yourself and grandbabies.
how can you give the grandbabies a break from the insanity of addiction ?
Find time in all of this to be still and know how to be your best to yourself and grandbabies.
how can you give the grandbabies a break from the insanity of addiction ?
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
It was originally in front of one judge about 4 or 5 times, he is the family court child neglect judge. And I thought it would all be ok. Then two months ago, my daughter, on the advice of the family court, transferred to family court treatment court, in front of a treatment court judge. Treatment court is set up to where you go in front of a judge once a week, you're tested by the court that day, you still must maintain abstinance and attend an outpatient treatment program for about 6 mos. to a year, but the judge will know if you relapse, etc. Well, since she's signed up and in front of this judge, she has continually relapsed, and the judge has the "poor baby" attitude cause she feels that relapse is part of treatment! She wants to "promote a positive environment" for my daughter. That's obviously not doing a hill of beans, maybe she should try making her responsible for her actions!!!!
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