I just need to tell someone - in a state

Old 05-04-2010, 03:49 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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For years my ex lied to me about all kinds of things that hooked me. He felt bad, someone hurt him, he was just this guy who was a victim of the world. It turns my stomach now.

I wish that I left him to his business.
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Old 05-04-2010, 04:03 PM
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My X used to bring me stuff he got out of a free box (don't know if free boxes are a Portland thing, but basically people put boxes of stuff outside their house and give away stuff)...and...you guessed it. I thought he was sooooo sweeeeet!

Crumbs, I tell you! When someone asks what you're getting out of a relationship, and all you can describe are givens ("He doesn't beat me.") and crumbs ("He brought me a sandwich after being a total a-hole all week."), you need help!
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Old 05-04-2010, 04:23 PM
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Originally Posted by iwantcontrol View Post
I must confess I also wondered if maybe he made up the malignant cells part, but i went with him to the hospital last week so I know they did do a medical procedure and took a biopsy. He got the results a couple of days later. I'm not totally sure about the malignant cells - but I think it would be awful if he made that up.
I also didn't want to believe my AH would lie about such serious health issues. Afterall, who would do that?!? An alcoholic for one.

My AH lied about having cancer. He told me right after I left him and I felt like an uncaring, heartless b**** for leaving, for staying gone, for 'making' him stay on friends' couches because he couldn't afford the medical treatment and rent (even though he had double insurance coverage through his company and my policy). He had excuses for why I never saw anything show up on my insurance (didn't want me to know, didn't want the bills to come back to me for payment, blah, blah, blah).

I would drop him off for treatment, but he never wanted me to stay (turns out he would walk into building until I left for work and then leave). He kept up the lie for 2 years and some new complication would come up whenever I felt I had finally detached from the situation and worked through my guilt.

The short of it was: it was all a lie, an effort to manipulate me.

He lost all the weight he lost because he never ate - he just drank, and drank and drank. He was sick - alcoholism, acute withdrawal when he would actually not drink for a few days - it just wasn't cancer.

I don't know if the situation with your ABF is remotely the same, but I will pass on advice I've gotten from Al-Anon and SR: trust your instincts and take care of yourself. He will do whatever he wants to do; you can't make him stop drinking or trying to manipulate you or others, you can't make him get treatment or ask for help. You can, however, make sure you're working towards being where and who you want to be.

Best wishes.
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Old 05-04-2010, 04:42 PM
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iwant,

anvilhead said it.

you are spinning and it doesn't seem to stop. if his results came back two or three days later, that sounds right, and if they said "malignancy" that is cancer. but there is no "book of rules on how to take care of yourself" that says you put up with distasteful behavior and crap because he has cancer.

your need to have these discussions with him, will prove fruitless - i wish you could see that. what is it you think might happen, if you have yet another come-to-jesus meeting?

and....i'm sorry you're in such turmoil. it is so flippin hard to give up the dream, and to walk away from someone who is sick. but i think you're making yourself sick with all of this turmoil. my stomach is tensing up from reading the o.p.

however -- i am GLAD you came here. we are always open, always listening, and we just want what's best for you.
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Old 05-04-2010, 08:09 PM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
He is a liar and if after all this time and after all the advice you've gotten, you are still willing to settle for someone who treats you like dog crap on their shoe, then you deserve what you get.

Good luck to you. I'm so out of here.
If I may state my humble opinion, it is also extraordinarily codependent to become angry and say that to someone just because they choose to not immediately follow your advice or do what you say.

We all have to struggle, we all have to come to the conclusion that we cannot control the addicts in our lives......it is a journey that takes some of us longer than others. I am still learning every day.

(((((IWC))))) I'm sorry to hear that you are hurting and hope that you can find your path forward from this dark place you are in.

Hugs and prayers,
HG
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Old 05-05-2010, 10:44 AM
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Hydro girl,
As a self proclaimed codependant, it is always frustrating to watch someone doing something we don't think they should be doing. Even more so when they are hurting themselves in the process. I think it is hard for anyone to witness that, to watch someone else self destruct, but the majority of us are used to that person not wanting any help. This situation is different though.


I think Suki's point was that Iwantcontrol has been posting about this man, and asking for help and advice since last december, and gotten some really great stories of hope and recovery from other members. It has been her choice to not change her situation, and her choice to tolerate what he is continuing to put her through. Granted, suki may have been a little harsh, but sometimes that is what some of us need to hear... no sugarcoating. I for one appreciate the honesty that I know I can count on from certain members.

Whether you are codependant or not, it is always frustrating when someone continually comes to you for advice, doesn't take it, and then comes back for it again. After a while, for some of us, there is no other option than to wash your hands of it.

Iwantcontrol has posted that she is currently taking steps to begin detachment, which is wonderful. Who's to say that Suki's comments weren't instrumental in that?
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Old 05-05-2010, 11:05 AM
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I felt a need to post something here about being respectful to other members and keeping in mind that many people posting here are newcomers or old timers in crisis and their emotions are raw.

When I was new to recovery, just finding the courage to go to a meeting and share was intimidating for me. I didn’t say a word for the first 3 meetings, just sat there and cried with a box of tissues. I remember those feelings each time a newcomer walks in the door and each time one of us is in crisis and needs to share.

Sometimes the poster just needs a shoulder, sometimes just someone to validate how they feel rather than challenge the situation that brought them to this feeling. And mostly they need you to share YOUR experience, strength and hope so that we can learn something useful and “see” recovery at work.

When choices are challenged by others (no matter how good or poor their choices may be) it makes a person feel defensive or like the world’s biggest loser and there isn’t an ounce of recovery to grab on to.

An example would be someone who discovered their spouse is an addict and things are not good at home (Imagine their pain, confusion and heartache). To simply reply “why do you stay with this loser?” or “Why don’t you just leave” doesn’t help anyone. In recovery we don’t “tell” anyone what to do, we share our own experience, strength and hope and, if asked, we gently and respectfully offer suggestions. Recovery is about treating people the way we like to be treated. Recovery is about giving freely what was so freely given to us.

That is not to say we walk on eggshells here, we can shoot straight goods without attacking the person or their decisions. Our differences are what makes this forum interesting and helpful to so many people, because there is always someone who can relate to us. I embrace our diversity as something valuable that brings all kinds of recovery to the site. But when I feel my adrenaline pumping over a post I am reading, I find it good to just sit on my hands until I can calmly and respectfully say what is in my heart.

We come here from all corners of the world and our customs and practices vary significantly sometimes. How we speak may come across as harsh to someone who can’t see our faces or know us well enough to understand our personalities.

I love all you members here, the mamas, the spouses, the partners, the siblings and all who love an addict. I have stayed here and continued to grow for over 7 years because of YOU and all you have shared with me and the support you have given me, and for that I am grateful.

As a moderator here, I am proud of the people on this forum, because you all are the most supportive, kindest, funniest, and dearest people I have met here at SR. Something my dear friend Hangin’ In has said often is a good reminder for all of us, including me…she says “Say what you mean and mean what you say, just don’t say it mean.”

Hugs to each one of you
This was written a while back by one of the moderators (Ann), and I believe that it holds true in this case. I would hope that IWantControl could continue to feel that she is welcome, supported and safe here, because she does not seem to be happy or feel safe right now in the relationship she is in.

We learn here, and in F2F meetings, that we cannot control our addicts with our words, by yelling or screaming or threatening, even if we do have the best of intentions for them and "if they would just do this, that, or the other". In my opinion, the same can be true for our fellow codies. If we yell and scream, it really does nothing except make them feel bad--we end up trying to change them, control them and their actions.

I did read IWC's other thread and she is "taking a break". Whether or not we can say that it is because of something any one of us said or not is being a bit presumptious.

((((IWC)))) Hopefully, you will find some rest and peace during this time so that you can see the best way forward for your own happiness and joy.

Peace in the valley, HG
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Old 05-05-2010, 11:35 AM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
This is the crux of the alcoholic/codependent dance. If he were consistently cruel, you would have walked a long time ago. He knows just when to throw you a few crumbs in order to keep you around.
L
My first xAH (I'm a slow learner obviously) called me to tell me they thought he had testicular cancer and they had to do surgery. . .and since the surgery could leave him impotent I had to sign a release form (because at the time we were still married).

It was all a lie. We had split. He knew how much I wanted to have children and it was just another way of trying to hurt me because we had talked about having children. I was not even close to recovery myself and loved him so much--but fortunately had started going to counseling. I told him to send me the papers (later thinking to myself--it would probably be better for the world if his genetic makeup never was passed on ).

Guess what? He never sent me any papers to sign so either he decided not to have the procedure (who would do that if they had cancer) OR his ploy to hurt me yet again had not worked. It is a dance and you can chose to dance without him. You are the one who is important and he has pretty much told you he does not want you around. Maybe spending your time and energy on you would be more helpful to you.
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