MovingForward

Hi - I've been lurking and posting a little here and there, I want to say thanks for all the info here.

I have come across a problem with my AH that I need to address because it is getting way out of hand. We have three sons, two are teenagers (15 and 18). MY AH has been talking to them and hanging out with them while he's drinking. Mostly because the kids come to our house and AH is always there. He is completely and totally inappropriate in the subject matter/language. I understand teenage boys are somewhat inappropriate to begin with, but to have their 41 year old, inebriated father egg on a 16 y.o. friend of theirs is embarrassing and I feel just not right. He picks on this one friend of theirs to no end. He says horrible things about the kid's mother and sister and the kid just takes it as joking. I know it is all a joke, but the subject matter is explicit and demeaning.

Do I have a right to set boundaries in this matter? Can I tell him that he's not allowed to talk to minor children like that? What type of boundary would I set? Do I make the kids leave my house and go someplace else to avoid this?

Freedom1990

I have very clearly defined boundaries in my home, and that includes my 32 year old AD not being welcome in my home, period.

I refuse to take a front seat to her dysfunction.

Your AH is going to do what he's going to do. He's an adult. What could you possibly do if you told him he's not allowed to talk like that to minors, and he does anyway?

I get sad when I read about kids not having a 'safe' place at home because that is exactly what it should be.

My AD was exposed to the insanity of active alcoholism/addiction the first 8 years of her life.

I have to live with that the rest of my life, knowing I placed her in that situation.

Now I have grandchildren affected by the disease.

It gives me great comfort that they know my house is a safe place to come to.

Hadassah

If your AH is anything like my AH, it probably won't do any good telling him that he is being inappropriate.
What you could do is possibly distract your AH, or maybe tell your child that when dad starts in on this behavior, to get his friends out of there. Maybe there is somewhere else for them to go. I know that's not fair to you or your kids, but it is so damaging for them to be around that sort of thing. I don't know how old this son is, but I 'll bet he knows that his dad is drunk and the friend suspects it too. My 12 yr old son knew.
Hugs and blessings to you. I know how it feels...rotten. I hope you find an answer, H

Redheadsusie

My Ah was behaving inappropriately in front of his daughter and other kids and when I spoke to him about it of course I was the B. Had it been my child I would have been more adamant about it. You can try to set boundaries but I know my AH would not listen and it was always embarrassing for the kids involved even though they never spoke up - you saw it made them uncomfortable. No kids should have to be around that stupid drunk nasty behavior. It is not funny.

stella27

I am just thinking out loud here - my XAH lives elsewhere but I know he is inappropriate in the things he talks to my kids and other people's children about. But I have no control over him.

That's probably the main lesson: you actually have no control.

On the other hand, you could set boundaries like this:

I feel that you are going too far in your joking around with Young Visitor. If you don't tone it down, I will recommend that the kids hang out someplace else.

And yes, you will be the big, bad Mom - trying to spoil everybody's fun, but at least you could speak your truth and proceed accordingly.