I am struggling............
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
I am struggling............
I don't know why- House is peaceful without AH. Nobody to yell at us - no
drunkedness to worry about, no negative vibes, no yelling~ We are blessed.
Problem is - why am I struggling. I have wanted to cry all day..all day.
Tonight it is almost unbearable. I went to the marina on my bike to eat. My
friends own it and they were talking to me which made me happy! A neighbor came in with a woman he is dating- they are both divorced- he introduced me- she was nice. I felt awkward as he and I have spent time together before I got married. Know I am in noway shape or form able to spend time with anyone - Anyway- he says look Redheadsusie- and there goes AH in my damn boat down the river with friends on it. Drinking friends .. I always drove the boat home at night so knowing he was driving it hammered was upsetting but not my problem anymore. I just don't know why I am so upset. I played on the beach with my little friend Christopher- bought him sand toys- he did not have any and we wrote our names in the sand.
I guess my problem is I see all these people out having fun and I feel like an
outcast- maybe it is part of the process. I don't want to be with the drunk
crowd but feel like I don't fit anywhere right now. This sucks big
time. I
need to find my strength and get off the pity wagon. I truly suck.
drunkedness to worry about, no negative vibes, no yelling~ We are blessed.
Problem is - why am I struggling. I have wanted to cry all day..all day.
Tonight it is almost unbearable. I went to the marina on my bike to eat. My
friends own it and they were talking to me which made me happy! A neighbor came in with a woman he is dating- they are both divorced- he introduced me- she was nice. I felt awkward as he and I have spent time together before I got married. Know I am in noway shape or form able to spend time with anyone - Anyway- he says look Redheadsusie- and there goes AH in my damn boat down the river with friends on it. Drinking friends .. I always drove the boat home at night so knowing he was driving it hammered was upsetting but not my problem anymore. I just don't know why I am so upset. I played on the beach with my little friend Christopher- bought him sand toys- he did not have any and we wrote our names in the sand.
I guess my problem is I see all these people out having fun and I feel like an
outcast- maybe it is part of the process. I don't want to be with the drunk
crowd but feel like I don't fit anywhere right now. This sucks big
time. I need to find my strength and get off the pity wagon. I truly suck.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
Hugs, it sucks to feel like the odd person out... but you are doing fine. The awkwardness and feeling like you're the only one not having a good time does go away with time-- you're right, it is part of the process. I sure wish I could have skipped it! But feeling like I didn't fit in anywhere motivated me to find my own friends who knew nothing about my former husband, and that was a good thing that came out of the pain. In the meantime, treat yourself well. 
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I'm sorry your hurting. It's a natural reaction to a big change. Cry your heart out. Crying actually makes you feel better!
I went through the same thing once in my life.
It gets better, it really does. There's a day coming where you wake up and feel no pain. Once you get used to the peace and quiet, you won't want to give it up!
Hugs to you
WW
I went through the same thing once in my life.
It gets better, it really does. There's a day coming where you wake up and feel no pain. Once you get used to the peace and quiet, you won't want to give it up!
Hugs to you
WW
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Aw, I'm sorry you're feeling this way and hope you feel better soon. I think I know how you feel. I basically grew up in, around, and on the water. My favorite thing to do is boating and jet skiing. But when I got sober, I had to stop all that completely. Yes, I miss it but I know I can't go back because that is the party life. Yes, it IS fun but no, it isn't as harmless as it looks. I want to STAY sober so I have had to find other things I enjoy. I hope by sharing this you feel like at least someone understands or goes thru similar things. Take care.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Its a process, Redheadsusie.
Trust the process. Trust your process.
Read Melody Beatty.
Triggers suck. I get them daily. But I remember how he was with me-or just an episode, like acting asleep so alkie and male friends could listen to his CDs of humor (machism and very degrading to women). I dont miss said 'friends'. I dont miss the man that finds funny to insult women over and over in so many ways. Overall I dont miss who I was. I dont miss the doormat I chose to be!
Time and distance and inner work make them less important each day. I too felt like the outcast. I still feel like the outcast
but one day you'll realize feeling like the outcast is really BEING THE ONE WHO IS INCREDIBLY BLESSED! the one who sees reality and makes conscious choices. The one that can look back and look now and feel great.
Kittyboo posted a great link about tactics to move on from triggers.
"ex is drinking in the boat"
"the sun shines"
"i am breathing"
and stating other basic facts is an exercise that works well for me!!
breakups suck
being in touch with alcoholism sucks
seeing them "having a good time" sucks
So give yourself a break and treat yourself as best as possible.
MB says in mourning one either pays now or pays later.
Either people get worse and worse lessons until they wake up and seek help and start to be honest with themselves, or they die without knowing anyone -without knowing themselves for real. Without love.
Alkies live an illusion that they are happy and that they have friends and that they are very important and everybody loves them.. why? because in the real world they dont feel any of that. Hardly "fun" in my book.
Just my humble observations.
HUGS
Trust the process. Trust your process.
Read Melody Beatty.
Triggers suck. I get them daily. But I remember how he was with me-or just an episode, like acting asleep so alkie and male friends could listen to his CDs of humor (machism and very degrading to women). I dont miss said 'friends'. I dont miss the man that finds funny to insult women over and over in so many ways. Overall I dont miss who I was. I dont miss the doormat I chose to be!
Time and distance and inner work make them less important each day. I too felt like the outcast. I still feel like the outcast
but one day you'll realize feeling like the outcast is really BEING THE ONE WHO IS INCREDIBLY BLESSED! the one who sees reality and makes conscious choices. The one that can look back and look now and feel great.Kittyboo posted a great link about tactics to move on from triggers.
"ex is drinking in the boat"
"the sun shines"
"i am breathing"
and stating other basic facts is an exercise that works well for me!!
breakups suck
being in touch with alcoholism sucks
seeing them "having a good time" sucks
So give yourself a break and treat yourself as best as possible.
MB says in mourning one either pays now or pays later.
Either people get worse and worse lessons until they wake up and seek help and start to be honest with themselves, or they die without knowing anyone -without knowing themselves for real. Without love.
Alkies live an illusion that they are happy and that they have friends and that they are very important and everybody loves them.. why? because in the real world they dont feel any of that. Hardly "fun" in my book.
Just my humble observations.
HUGS
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 57
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 
Alkies live an illusion that they are happy and that they have friends and that they are very important and everybody loves them.. why? because in the real world they dont feel any of that.
HUGS
HUGS
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
#1 you don't suck. you stopped letting your H talk to you that way, right? Don't let YOU talk to you that way.
#2 there IS a group/s out there for you. Who do YOU want to be? There are groups for every interest. Reading club, hiking group, poetry group, knitting, singing, dancing, gun collecting, walking, yoga, religion, divorced mothers - whatever! Even if it is something you only have thought you'd LIKE to be - go find a group and get to know them. Maybe it is volunteering at your kid's school or joining the PTA. Maybe it is a different boating club/group. Try meetup dot com. There are tons of different ways to CREATE your life.
It will take time, for sure. But now YOU'RE in the driver's seat.
I think we spend so much time REACTING that we forget how to be cause agents for ourselves. The life of your dreams is waiting for you.
Hugs,
Peace
#2 there IS a group/s out there for you. Who do YOU want to be? There are groups for every interest. Reading club, hiking group, poetry group, knitting, singing, dancing, gun collecting, walking, yoga, religion, divorced mothers - whatever! Even if it is something you only have thought you'd LIKE to be - go find a group and get to know them. Maybe it is volunteering at your kid's school or joining the PTA. Maybe it is a different boating club/group. Try meetup dot com. There are tons of different ways to CREATE your life.
It will take time, for sure. But now YOU'RE in the driver's seat.
I think we spend so much time REACTING that we forget how to be cause agents for ourselves. The life of your dreams is waiting for you.
Hugs,
Peace
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
hugs to you!:ghug3
My sponsor tells me that my mood swings, from being confident and happy one day to miserable the next, are a normal part of the grieving process. Even after everything they have put us through, there were many aspects of our lives that we enjoyed together. It's always hard to be "on the outside looking in".
But you're on the outside now, which I like to think is more like standing outside a large maze that the others are constantly lost in. You can walk away, and go out into the world, free, and sober to do whatever you wish.
The ones in the maze will continue to walk in circles, find dead ends and turn around, never make progress. They may be laughing while they do this, but usually it's only because they haven't figured out that they are lost yet. Some people are happy being lost.
But you weren't and did something about it. Good for you. You definitely don't suck! I think you're awesome!
My sponsor tells me that my mood swings, from being confident and happy one day to miserable the next, are a normal part of the grieving process. Even after everything they have put us through, there were many aspects of our lives that we enjoyed together. It's always hard to be "on the outside looking in".
But you're on the outside now, which I like to think is more like standing outside a large maze that the others are constantly lost in. You can walk away, and go out into the world, free, and sober to do whatever you wish.
The ones in the maze will continue to walk in circles, find dead ends and turn around, never make progress. They may be laughing while they do this, but usually it's only because they haven't figured out that they are lost yet. Some people are happy being lost.
But you weren't and did something about it. Good for you. You definitely don't suck! I think you're awesome!
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Once I stopped focusing on my AH I found MOUNTAINS of stuff I had to deal with that had been pushed aside while I was with him. That stuff is still coming up. All the things I neglected while obsessing about him are surfacing. It's overwhelming sometimes, but just know that now you can FIX them. Fix em good, Sister. Just keep working on yourself.
The good news? You can actually change yourself! All those years of trying to change AH left me feeling powerless. But trust me, and the other folks here. Once you start trying to change yourself, you'll see results. I had to retrain myself how to be kind to myself, and would recommend you do the same. Be gentle and kind with yourself.
Things are just going to get better and better.
The good news? You can actually change yourself! All those years of trying to change AH left me feeling powerless. But trust me, and the other folks here. Once you start trying to change yourself, you'll see results. I had to retrain myself how to be kind to myself, and would recommend you do the same. Be gentle and kind with yourself.
Things are just going to get better and better.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
