lilliant

Hi am I new and I need some insight. I started a relationship with a great man. After a few dates, and I was already smitten with him, he told me that he was a recovering alcoholic and drug addict and has been clean for 3 years. I thought he was amazing and I was impressed with his dedication. He attends regular meetings and seemed very much involved. He had been separated and then divorced from his ex wife for 4 years. He said many of those years were hard. That he tries to maintain a good relationship with her because of their son, which I thought was wonderful. He talked a lot about the tremendous amount of guilt he felt still about the breakup of their marriage, saying he caused all of this and he has had difficulty moving on. Our relationship was honest and loving. I was the first woman he had dated in the last 4 years. He said he was happy to be with me and happy to finally move on. But then suddenly he told me he needed to stop seeing me, his guilty feelings weren't going away, he felt as if he was doing something wrong to his ex wife and he decided he was going to try to get back with her. I am crushed and confused. They have a strange co dependent relationship i think. I want him to realize that although he made terrible choices and caused a lot of grief to his ex and child, that he is a great guy and worthy of a healthy relationship. He won't even speak to me now at all. I don't know what to do. Any words of wisdom?

MissFixit

He doesn't sound like he wants an honest relationship with you.

Take care of yourself. Leave him to whatever he is doing. His life is his to do as he wishes.

Not responding to you speaks volumes. Please try not to take it personally. Whatever he has going on is irrelevant, but he is being disrespectful to you by not responding if you two were in a relationship.

Pelican

I'm sorry that you are hurt by the end of what could have been with this guy.

Since he will not speak to you anymore, there isn't anything you can do but honor his request to remain seperated from you.

If he is still in love with and emotionally bonded to his ex-wife, your HP (higher power) may have given you a gift. Your HP may be protecting you.

In Alanon meetings and through support here at SR, I have learned that the only person I have control over is myself. I have to let other adults make their own choices, good and bad, and deal with their own consequences.

You friend may be walking back into an unhealthy relationship - but he has to find his own way.

I hope you will find a way to grieve the loss of this relationship as well as what might have been. Take care of you!

lilliant

Thank you both so much. I'm trying my best to not feel sad for him. I do though. I can't imagine what his life has been like and what he struggles with everyday. I worry that he wants to go back for the wrong reasons and that further rejection may affect his sobriety. I know I have no control over him. It just saddens me.

MissFixit

We all have problems. His are no more or less than anyone else's.

What you consider the wrong reasons, might not be wrong to him. Wrong is subjective.

What can you focus on in your life right now that has nothing to do with him?

If you are struggling with detaching, you might try reading the threads at the top of this forum.

Kittyboo

Lilliant,

I am so sorry for how you are feeling.

My XA actually did nothing but bash his ex - wife to me, only to go back to her in the end.
I was his tool while they were seperated, and I had no idea. I'm certainly not saying that's what you were. But he too did not respond to my emails and calls. Until it was convenient for him to do so. Then once again blocked me out again. I found out that most of what he told me in the 8 months we were speaking were complete lies.
I will never allow his toxic behavior in my life again.

It was so painful, but forced me to look deep inside and answer why I chose such a self-destructive relationship to begin with.
It is a blessing that he went back to his ex-wife. He chose a life where he can continue to drink. It is not something I would have wanted my life to be surrounded with down the road.

The best thing he did for me was actually force No Contact. It has allowed me to start to heal, and I no longer miss him like I used to. I no longer think about the fantasy of him, but I think about the reality of him. There is a BIG difference.

Allow yourself time to grieve the loss of this relationship, but know that he is not the last man you will ever think about.
What about you? Do you have anything that you are looking forward to doing in the future?
For myself for example, I have returned to school and am finally pursuing my degree to be followed with a masters, I am moving back to my home state in 2 weeks and have much to look forward to. What are you looking forward to?

lilliant

Thank you all so much!!! This is amazing. What wonderful feedback. Thank you. I do miss him very much...but you are right...the no contact in a strange way is easing things a bit. I try to remember "the heart wants what the heart wants"...it sounds silly but if it is meant to be it will be. I have nothing but good thoughts of him. I'm not even angry at him. I would like to be! He told me again and again he was so sorry and that it wasn't me...it was him...He was kind and very sweet but I do wonder if I was used in some way...4 years he never dated...and then finally he does...and then things change between them? Last thing he said to me was "im trying to work things out with my wife I can't talk to you anymore"....I guess I want to know...is this part of his recovery??

coffeedrinker

Lilliant,

Welcome to SR! I think that if you come here and read and post, you will find healing.

I know you think your man is amazing - and let's face it, everyone has some amazing qualities - but something smells here to me.

I hope you can move on soon.

lilliant

Interresting!! Please explain...what smells weird to you???

Kittyboo

is this part of his recovery??

I would ask the same kinds of questions...searching and searching for the meaning behind my X's actions.
No matter what i found, no answer that was offered changed the situation. It was what it was.... and what it was was that he did not want to be with me.
That's always a really painful realization, especially when you want so much to be with someone.

What do YOU want in your life? What about what you want to focus on, that is not about trying to decipher his behavior?
Trust me, read the stickies at the top of the forum under classic reading. It is a wealth of information about addiction, behavior and recovery.

lilliant

I have 2 beautiful boys...I have to say I focus is on them always. I am separated from my husband...he is an alcoholic and an abuser...although he would never admit it....things have been rough...then I find this great guy and he too has a problem with alcohol...I'm left thinking...is it me?...why do I attract these men? I spent a lot of time in counseling about enabling and taking back my power...I have done well when it pertains to my ex...but now with my friend...i find myself hurt and upset at myself. I think that's why I thought he was so wonderful...he took responsibility for his actions...and is in recovery...where my ex will not....