How much do you tell other people?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Posts: 120
How much do you tell other people?
I was wondering how open other users are with the people in their lives about their loved ones drinking. I'm mostly curious to the spouses/partners of alcoholics. If you do tell people do you tell them in confidence?
And how do you feel if the person you confided in tells a lot of other people?
And how do you feel if the person you confided in tells a lot of other people?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 22
I know when I was involved with my exABf who was also a sometimes addict, I kept everything secret and never told a soul. 9 years unwilling to tell anyone about something that plays such a huge role in your life takes a serious tole.
I can't say I recommend the path I've taken. When I broke it off w/ the ex, I told my best/ only friend enough that I had someone that could support me though it. We have become closer for my honesty - obvious I guess.
I do think it depends a lot upon your personality. I'm a very private person to start with, so it seemed "natural" to do it this way.
I can't say I recommend the path I've taken. When I broke it off w/ the ex, I told my best/ only friend enough that I had someone that could support me though it. We have become closer for my honesty - obvious I guess.
I do think it depends a lot upon your personality. I'm a very private person to start with, so it seemed "natural" to do it this way.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
That is one of the wonderful things about Alanon and similar support groups. The anonymity. Being able to confess openly, honestly what you life has really been like - and not worry about being judged or misunderstood!
I told my sister, because she had lived with an alcoholic. It wasn't the same as telling people that were working on their own recovery. I told two close girlfriends, but it wasn't the same because they also drank.
I told my sister, because she had lived with an alcoholic. It wasn't the same as telling people that were working on their own recovery. I told two close girlfriends, but it wasn't the same because they also drank.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I did not tell anyone before I started to seperate.
Then I told two close people at work because I was a mess, taking a ton of time off, moving etc. They were nice. Neither are marred to alcoholics but both have alcoholic fathers so they were very nice to me.
Then I told my family (dad, an aunt, my cousin, and my brother). My brother had zero response isn't that weird. I emailed him because he doesn't have a phone.
Then I told one other person. That is it.
I have chose not to tell anyone in this new town only because the boys are starting school in a new place, this is very small town, and they just don't need that. I don't know if that is the right or wrong choice. No one knows us or him so noone knows. Unless my aunt told the babysitter (who is a huge gossip). She might have I don't know and I haven't asked. It makes me
to think about it so I try not to.
Then I told two close people at work because I was a mess, taking a ton of time off, moving etc. They were nice. Neither are marred to alcoholics but both have alcoholic fathers so they were very nice to me.
Then I told my family (dad, an aunt, my cousin, and my brother). My brother had zero response isn't that weird. I emailed him because he doesn't have a phone.
Then I told one other person. That is it.
I have chose not to tell anyone in this new town only because the boys are starting school in a new place, this is very small town, and they just don't need that. I don't know if that is the right or wrong choice. No one knows us or him so noone knows. Unless my aunt told the babysitter (who is a huge gossip). She might have I don't know and I haven't asked. It makes me
to think about it so I try not to.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Bangkok, Thailand
Posts: 48
All of my superiors at work know. Had to tell them because my wife was a possible embarrassment to the United States and they needed to know what was up. Nothing is private in the military, not even your mental health. Told the co-manager of my department because I was tired of lying. Turns out she is a recovering shopaholic. She gave me some incite and encouragement. Told my sister because she knew something was up and she also had an exAH who died of the disease. This may have been a mistake because she is still raging inside. I am not ashamed of myself. Why should I hide and keep all that in? Hiding like I did something wrong is not healthy. This is not about her and trying to embarrass/ridicule. It is about me and needing to let it out. Not talking to others just reinforces the isolation that the diseases lives on.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Before the seperation, I told my family, his family and a couple of close friends. After I sold our house, I told everyone! I just don't care who knows. I feel no guilt or shame over it. Sometimes, though, I feel it 'explains' my failed marriage in a way that makes it XAH's fault - but that isn't how I feel. I grew up in a family full of secrets and I don't want to keep up the family tradition, thanks.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
I'm so surprised to read this. I live in Bosnia, where people are quite ignorant of alcoholism. Term Alcoholic is used only for the ones at the end stages of the desease, while the other ones (that make the largest number of As) are refered to as people who drink. Like for my AH, they'd say He drinks. Which kind of equals: he is a bad person or he's not good enough to know better. While the NAW is considered to be someone you should be sorry for. I always hated being labeled as anything and I most certainly don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, so I was always very private about it all. few of my closest friends I've told about it. I know the whole town knows of course but I just don't want to act like they think I should. I hold my chin high and go on about town like it's all peaches in my life. As people here gossip a lot and I just don't want to give them the satisfaction. And the bottom line is: It's none of thier business.
So back to why I'm surprised: I kind of always figured that in the US people in general are much more educated on alcoholism, thus much more open about it. I mean I didn't think you all go around telling everyone about your private life, but kind of thought society has a different approach to it there, so you don't have to deal with it the way I do.
Sorry to hear I was wrong.
So back to why I'm surprised: I kind of always figured that in the US people in general are much more educated on alcoholism, thus much more open about it. I mean I didn't think you all go around telling everyone about your private life, but kind of thought society has a different approach to it there, so you don't have to deal with it the way I do.
Sorry to hear I was wrong.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Bangkok, Thailand
Posts: 48
Sesh, it is a little different here in that there are so many resources for those suffering from alcohol and help for the family. It is still a social stigma and just the nature of the disease leads to isolation. In that respect it is the same everywhere. FYI: Thailand does not considers it a disease either.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Posts: 120
I'm glad to know I'm not alone in wanting a certain amount of "privacy" on the issue. In my experience I've found that it's best if your family, their family and close friends know, as long as they are the type of people who will be understanding and supportive. But I don't want everyone in my professional and social circles to know. I initially told my family and a few close friends, beyond that I developed a policy of not lying. If my husband got ridiculously drunk in front of a friend/acquaintance I would let them know why I wasn't "looking after him" as people would with a partner who was rarely drunk. The funny thing is that once it happened once and I told the friend we were with what was going on, it was the last time my husband got drunk in front of people like that.
As he has started truly accepting his alcoholism and seeking help he has made a list of friends who he wants to tell and is working his way through it. I'm glad I didn't tell all these people as their reactions have been nice and supportive, which has surprised him. He was so ashamed of being an alcoholic he couldn't accept that he is one, but when his friends have reacted supportively it's made him less ashamed and allowed him to accept that he really does have this problem.
The biggest problem is that the friend who I, and later he, initially confided in told a lot of people what was happening. He told a huge amount of people who we didn't know very well but socialised with quite a bit. He also told them that my husband had tried to commit suicide and probably would try again in the future. Which was a conclusion he developed all by himself. I'm finding it really hard to equate the friend who helped me through so much to someone who so completely broke our confidences. I'm really confused by it all and I'm worried that this is having a huge influence on how I feel about trusting people in future.
As he has started truly accepting his alcoholism and seeking help he has made a list of friends who he wants to tell and is working his way through it. I'm glad I didn't tell all these people as their reactions have been nice and supportive, which has surprised him. He was so ashamed of being an alcoholic he couldn't accept that he is one, but when his friends have reacted supportively it's made him less ashamed and allowed him to accept that he really does have this problem.
The biggest problem is that the friend who I, and later he, initially confided in told a lot of people what was happening. He told a huge amount of people who we didn't know very well but socialised with quite a bit. He also told them that my husband had tried to commit suicide and probably would try again in the future. Which was a conclusion he developed all by himself. I'm finding it really hard to equate the friend who helped me through so much to someone who so completely broke our confidences. I'm really confused by it all and I'm worried that this is having a huge influence on how I feel about trusting people in future.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
I never told anyone, but some people knew. (My husband died a few weeks ago)
A few friends knew, because my late alcoholic husband would call them when he was drunk. One in particular knew, because she had had him over to her house to help her with a few tasks she didn't feel she wanted to do on her own. She did so with the understanding that he wouldn't be drinking. She caught him drinking on the task, anyway. (It was plumbing, she was concerned about the leaks, if he did it drunk. I wish she'd asked...late husband wasn't a great plumber, stone cold sober.)
I doubt even those people knew that he was like that every single night, though.
And there were things late husband hid from me, too. At his funeral, there were several people from the last "professional" job AH held. Of the jobs since then there was only one colleague who attended.
I know that there were things going on at work that he never told me about...for instance, AH sometimes took his camera to work. Really odd, right? I found, after his death, hundreds of files of photographs he took in the neighborhood where he worked. Mostly women, from behind. Not in revealing clothing or anything. I wonder if his terminations were because he was extending his breaks/lunch hours to do this, or people in the neighborhood complained about this creepy behavior, or what.
I guess the secrets go both ways.
A few friends knew, because my late alcoholic husband would call them when he was drunk. One in particular knew, because she had had him over to her house to help her with a few tasks she didn't feel she wanted to do on her own. She did so with the understanding that he wouldn't be drinking. She caught him drinking on the task, anyway. (It was plumbing, she was concerned about the leaks, if he did it drunk. I wish she'd asked...late husband wasn't a great plumber, stone cold sober.)
I doubt even those people knew that he was like that every single night, though.
And there were things late husband hid from me, too. At his funeral, there were several people from the last "professional" job AH held. Of the jobs since then there was only one colleague who attended.
I know that there were things going on at work that he never told me about...for instance, AH sometimes took his camera to work. Really odd, right? I found, after his death, hundreds of files of photographs he took in the neighborhood where he worked. Mostly women, from behind. Not in revealing clothing or anything. I wonder if his terminations were because he was extending his breaks/lunch hours to do this, or people in the neighborhood complained about this creepy behavior, or what.
I guess the secrets go both ways.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: england
Posts: 162
people already knew the jist of it and would tell me to get rid and that i could do so much better,so i started to cover up for him which ultimately made me look like the bad one and people began saying that i was just as bad as him,i say if you want to tell anyone anything its best with someone you trust and who really knows you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 112
His family knew everything, my close friends knew. The neighbors could tell. The only people I kept it from was my work. The always knew something was up but I didnt want them to know. After the separtion, and the tradgey it call came out. They were very understanding but I was so ashamed.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 42
Our family is involved in our community (schools, kids' athletics) and I have only told three people that my H is an A. Of course, that doesn't include my mother who is always around and can see the effects of the alcohol on a daily basis. One person I told was my cousin who is married to AH's sister. The 2nd person was a girl that I thought I was friends with, but who has actually latched onto my AH as one of his friends. I think she's crushing on him and has an issue with alcohol herself. Anyway, I finally told one of my best friends yesterday. She was extremely supportive - she is recently divorced from her EXAH.
However, with my kids' being as social as they are, inviting friends over and such, the word is getting out among the high schoolers. I COMPLETELY understand the privacy issue. It's not something we go around bragging about when we're directly involved.
However, with my kids' being as social as they are, inviting friends over and such, the word is getting out among the high schoolers. I COMPLETELY understand the privacy issue. It's not something we go around bragging about when we're directly involved.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 22
In my case, I think part of my unwillingness to tell anyone was a recognition, at some level, that I really needed to leave. I didn't want people to know how bad it was because the only rational thing for me to do was leave - and I wasn't ready to do that. Until I became willing to do something about it, there was no point in telling. It would only have been complaining about being in a situation I *knew* (on some level) I should have left.
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
I am very careful and selective of what exactly I tell people an to whom. Stigma does exist and can close doors if one is not careful.
"It is still a social stigma and just the nature of the disease leads to isolation."
I've found this to be true, but also there is the reality of "functioning active alkies". They tend to seek out other enablers and are very much in denial about the negative impact their drinking has on them. They also tend to be the most demeaning toward people in recovery and those who do not drink.
"It is still a social stigma and just the nature of the disease leads to isolation."
I've found this to be true, but also there is the reality of "functioning active alkies". They tend to seek out other enablers and are very much in denial about the negative impact their drinking has on them. They also tend to be the most demeaning toward people in recovery and those who do not drink.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
I am always open and honest about this -- and everything else.
Of course, the amount of time I will put into discussing it and the level of detail I will go into depends on the person -- how well I know him/her and how emotionally mature and/or healthy I perceive him/her to be.
But, regardless, I never lie about it or try to hide it.
I feel pretty strongly that I'm not about to let someone else's illness cause me embarrassment and/or isolation or whatever. And I most certainly am not about to let it cause me not to be able to get help and support and have truly open, honest relationships with my friends and family.
Worst case scenario -- someone who is emotionally ******** and/or whom I suspect is just looking to whip up some drama and or something to commiserate and/or gossip about -- I'll just say: "It's not going very well right now," and, if necessary, follow that up with: "I really don't want to talk about it at the moment."
I'm the kind of person who most people realize pretty quickly does not have trouble setting or maintaining boundaries, so people usually get the hint pretty quickly.
And I have always had very close friends, both in and outside of recovery, (as well as a very close and open family) who all, of course, are people who are trustworthy and highly committed to their own healing/spiritual journeys, who are not afraid to struggle with their own stuff or help others struggle with theirs, and who speak the truth as they see it. (I mean, in my life, those things are kinda the basic requirements for true friendship -- and I'm not really interested in superficial friendships.)
I've never really found it makes much difference whether they've been in exactly the same situation as me or not in terms of their understanding the basic deal and being able to offer support, comfort and helpful thoughts/questions. Personally, I always find overall self-awareness, commitment to honesty and to personal growth to be the most important factors in someone being able to "be there" for me emotionally and spiritually. The ability to identify with the surface specifics of a situation just doesn't seem to mean or matter all that much to me.
freya
Of course, the amount of time I will put into discussing it and the level of detail I will go into depends on the person -- how well I know him/her and how emotionally mature and/or healthy I perceive him/her to be.
But, regardless, I never lie about it or try to hide it.
I feel pretty strongly that I'm not about to let someone else's illness cause me embarrassment and/or isolation or whatever. And I most certainly am not about to let it cause me not to be able to get help and support and have truly open, honest relationships with my friends and family.
Worst case scenario -- someone who is emotionally ******** and/or whom I suspect is just looking to whip up some drama and or something to commiserate and/or gossip about -- I'll just say: "It's not going very well right now," and, if necessary, follow that up with: "I really don't want to talk about it at the moment."
I'm the kind of person who most people realize pretty quickly does not have trouble setting or maintaining boundaries, so people usually get the hint pretty quickly.
And I have always had very close friends, both in and outside of recovery, (as well as a very close and open family) who all, of course, are people who are trustworthy and highly committed to their own healing/spiritual journeys, who are not afraid to struggle with their own stuff or help others struggle with theirs, and who speak the truth as they see it. (I mean, in my life, those things are kinda the basic requirements for true friendship -- and I'm not really interested in superficial friendships.)
I've never really found it makes much difference whether they've been in exactly the same situation as me or not in terms of their understanding the basic deal and being able to offer support, comfort and helpful thoughts/questions. Personally, I always find overall self-awareness, commitment to honesty and to personal growth to be the most important factors in someone being able to "be there" for me emotionally and spiritually. The ability to identify with the surface specifics of a situation just doesn't seem to mean or matter all that much to me.
freya
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