HoopNinja

When it became important for people to know because he might have the kids--I let them know. Amazingly--most already knew and those who did not, did not believe me (in their eyes STBXAH was/is a saint and there is no way in the world he could be. . .on the other hand they were also asking him to come over for a beer after I left). My neighbor looked at me in total awe and told me everyone in town knew--that STBXAH was known to be one of the town drunks. See, at a certain point I stopped waiting up for him.

When I left him, people came out of the woodwork and told me they were finally happy to talk about it. It had been the elephant in the room for so long. They were afraid I did not know. . .

puckettcg

There are people I trust telling and people I don't. Its easier now that my family knows - Mom/Dad and his Mom/Dad. They always knew but didn't say anything to me until I spoke to them first. I have one close friend I talk to. Another friend - who imagines herself to be my best friend - that I won't talk to about this at all. She doesn't respect my privacy and is judgmental, and believe me people in glass houses. I don't think its a good idea to not have anyone you're comfortable talking to and its a lot easier now that I can say "Mom/Dad can you get the kids for me" without making up some excuse..versus now I say "Mom/Dad AH is unreliable and they understand".

Jess01

Good question.
I have just broken up with my ABF of 3 months, (I have known him for 10 years though and we have alot of mutual friends).
Since breaking up with him, I have hardly told anyone about his problem with alcohol and the real reason why we split. In the past Ive never had issues with confiding in friends about breakups etc, but with this situation I have been very silent.

a) Its a very personal issue
b) I dont want to bad mouth him to people
c) I feel bad about ending yet another relationship with someone that wasnt right for me
d) I find that most people wouldnt understand the implications that come with dating an alcoholic

LeaA

My BF is an alcoholic. Last night I found him in a bar "celebrating" after his lawschool final. I told the guy he was with that he was an alcoholic. I will tell your business. I have no children, I am not embarrassed. If you didn't want people to know maybe you should not have been doing what you were doing....that's my motto when it comes to drinking. I tell my family, I tell my friends, I tell his family (who are also alcoholics) and I tell his friends. EVERYONE knows. I am thinking of sending his picture and bio to every bar and liquor store in our city so they too will know. When you drink with him or sell him booze you can share in the responsibility for him drinking and driving, for him coming home and causing chaos.

I tell....that's it hands down. I am not going to keep your secret. You are not going to pressure of shame me into hiding something that YOU did and do everyday that harms me and harms other people and could potentially kill YOU or someone else.

I in fact told his friend so loudly last night that he was an alcoholic I am sure the whole bar heard. I hope they did.

If you were ashamed of it maybe you should not have been doing it....

I hate alcoholism....when my BF is drunk I kind of hate him too. I feel like this....get it together and I will support you....if you do not I will reveal you to anyone I can.

I know I seem hateful...I am actually still pretty angry from finding my BF in a bar with some other little idiot last night.

That's my opinion anyway.
LeaA

LucyA

I was honest with anyone who asked, I still am. My brother was an alcoholic, if he'd died from cancer I wouldn't have fluffed it up and hidden it.
I suppose to some there's a world of difference in being the sister of an alcoholic and being the wife/husband of, but even so, it's an illness to me and many others.

IamSaved

No one had a clue about the degree of addiction my XA was in, until this past Christmas. We were together 3 yrs. I hid it from everyone.

Ashamed and sad to admit that. Now, I tell my story to anyone that will listen, to lift the burden of shame that seems to come with this disease.

LucyA

Do you think it's because they really don't understand? or because we tend to minimise it and keep it quiet, like the dirty secret some people think it is?
If those of us who've lived it won't talk about it how can those who haven't possibly begin to understand even the slightest bit of it?

RollerDerbyGirl

I have been pretty frank with my friends and family, but that wasn't the case from the beginning. I find that when I'm ready to create some distance and make a move, I start opening up more because to hear myself say some of the things he's done make it harder for me to minimize them. When I keep a lot of things to myself it is such a burden on me, to carry alone. I am also extremely blessed to have wonderful friends that seem to truly want the best for me. They have all known me for so long that they don't judge me. They know my AF too and experience some of their own pain, because they like him on a personal level and are sad at how his disease makes him make such terrible decisions. I have come to really rely on their support and it does make me feel much stronger. So you don't have to blurt your business to the world, but definitely let those close to you in on it. His disease and talking about it over the years has been an educational process for all of us, if anything I suppose. I have been more selective at what I tell my family though, and now I am having to make some decisions as far as that goes.

Jadmack25

I met my RABF a few months after he had been in detox, and after living in a men's shelter, with loads of others just like him, or worse.

Years later, when I began going to Alanon I hid it. ABF found out and asked what was I going there for?
He was furious because, as he said "You are showing me up in public as an alchy.
I know I am one, but you have no right to advertise it.
I don't know these people, and I don't want my business being spread all over town, making a fool of me in front of everyone I know. How do you figure that makes me feel?"

I told him that his being in pub and street brawls, flirting with hookers and bar tarts, falling off bar stools, being sick over pub floors and in the main street, sleeping on benches and in gutters, and staggering unkempt and drunk around town wasn't exactly flying under the radar.

It wasn't ever a case of hiding his drinking.....hell, there was no elephant in our lounge, because our elephant paraded up the main street, trumpeting outside every darn hotel. When he was in drinking mode it was like the circus was in town.

Meanwhile I felt the shame, horror, and pain....Madam Martyr me.

It was when I finally quit and let him do it his way without me anywhere around, that he "ran away from the circus, to rejoin the human race". How long for is up to him, not my worry.

God bless

Insulated

I don't know. I think it's an oxymoron in a lot of ways. My late fiance' was an addict and alcoholic (all falls under the same umbrella) and who did I need to tell? He was so out of control...his actions spoke FOR him.

catlovermi

I think a lot of times, our reluctance to speak openly is a reflection of our own shame - that we realize on some level that we have accepted the unacceptable in our lives and by telling others, we have to sort of admit this, indirectly.

If we didn't have some sort of "ownership" of the problem/disease, then why would we feel any shame or reluctance to speak of its presence in our life?

And often, the "ownership" is that we choose to allow the negative influences in our life, and choose not to take the actions to remove them. For a variety of reasons.

It's actually about US, not the alcoholic.

CLMI

MissFixit

Originally Posted by MissFixit
Most people do not understand unless they have been there. I found it frustrating and pointless to talk with people that hadn't walked in my shoes.

Do you think it's because they really don't understand? or because we tend to minimise it and keep it quiet, like the dirty secret some people think it is?
If those of us who've lived it won't talk about it how can those who haven't possibly begin to understand even the slightest bit of it?

Hi Lucy,

I do not think that people who have not seen the chaos fully understand, no. Only speaking for myself here, but I sure didn't get it until I walked through it. When I first told a few people they didn't understand that al anon was for me, not L. They told me not to go to al anon despite having never been to a meeting or with an A. They had no idea of the emotional hurt and pain caused by lying.

As far as telling others to spread the word about alcoholism, now I can do that. With distance I can matter of factly talk about the craziness and pain with others. Most people are shocked or uncomfortable, so I tend to limit what I choose to say.

Early on, like I think the poster of this thread is, I grew hurt and frustrated trying to relate what had happened with people who had not been there. There was an expectation from some that I should have just put up with things or I was bad for distancing myself in certain ways. These thoughts are valid, but come from people who have little knowledge of what life with an A is like. For the original poster early on in her awareness and recovery, I would talk with people who had been in her shoes. After stabilizing a bit and gaining confidence telling others not in the know is easier.

ksumm77

When I was engaged to my now husband and we had moved in together, at first, I would not tell anyone about his drinking. As it kept progressing, it was hard to hide how I was feeling. I would go in to work in tears. I did confide in someone I thought was my best friend and a few of my co-workers that were also close friends. My coworkers were a lot more supportive than what my "best friend" was. My supposed best friend got tired of listening to me and she texted me to "remove the log in my eye" and to find a new maid of honor. I have not heard from her since that text. I realized that she was truly not a support person for me.

MissFixit

remove the log in my eye"

What is this?

bookwyrm

XAH also complained about me letting the 'secret' out. Yeah, he was just as obvious about it as your A was Jadmack. No so 'secret' at all...

bookwyrm

Biblical reference:

You hypocrite! First remove the beam out of your own eye, and then you can see clearly to remove the speck out of your brother's eye. - Matthew 7.5

Yeah and I am an atheist...

DMC

I downplayed a lot at the beginning, partly because it was the behaviors I pinpointed, not necessarily the drinking. I kept it from his parents a lot, and I don't think they realized how bad he was - now he's living with them. As things really began crumbling, I became pretty open - and have been somewhat surprised at how many people have told me "I understand, my father, or my husband, or whoever...is an alcoholic." I have an unusual job in that I get to witness the dynamics in other alcoholic, codependent and addiction-laden families, and I have to admit that I've got an insight that others don't. Of course, I can't very well tell the loving, supportive fiance of an alcoholic patient that she should run like the wind, but I can hint about the support groups out there, and that she isn't alone.

Now, I just don't care who knows, and I'm very open about it. It IS a disease, and it destroyed someone I loved very much. And I figure that if it can happen to me, it can happen to anybody.