Should I stay or should I go?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 2
Should I stay or should I go?
I have been with my bf for about 7 years now. He always liked to drink and experiment but I was blind to how bad it was. He got addicted to heroin for a year and during this time he lied to me, ignored me, and treated me like crap. How could I let someone treat me with such disrespect? I feel really stupid for staying with him and am just now realizing that I am codependent. But he decided to quit in late dec 2009, and I tried my best to support him. I have never dealt with addiction so I am very new to this. Since then he has relapsed a few times(probably more times than I know) and started drinking and taking pills instead of using heroin. And he can not honestly say that he will try to never do heroin again because he thinks that he can do it every now and then in the future.
We just broke up a few weeks ago but I can't seem to let him go even though it is probably what is best for me. I am constantly worrying and feel like I need to be there for him. I love him so much but he is not able to give me the love and attention that I need. He did agree to go to couples counseling with me but i'm pretty sure that he is not ready to make any big changes.
I don't have anyone to talk to who has been through anything like this and I feel really alone. If anybody has any advice or information for me it would be greatly appreciated. Should I give it my all or let it go? I keep thinking that if your in love, you should stick it out through these tough times. I'm so confused.
We just broke up a few weeks ago but I can't seem to let him go even though it is probably what is best for me. I am constantly worrying and feel like I need to be there for him. I love him so much but he is not able to give me the love and attention that I need. He did agree to go to couples counseling with me but i'm pretty sure that he is not ready to make any big changes.
I don't have anyone to talk to who has been through anything like this and I feel really alone. If anybody has any advice or information for me it would be greatly appreciated. Should I give it my all or let it go? I keep thinking that if your in love, you should stick it out through these tough times. I'm so confused.
Persevere, Never give up!
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Stellenbosch, South Africa
Posts: 882
Shame, i feel for you, but you have been doing it for 7 yrs nothings changed! if you are not married, get out, you need to take care of you and he needs to clean up his act. For us co dependants leaving is hard, but if we don't the people close to us will never get better!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 626
Welcome worry,
You will find a lot of information right here on these very boards on how to deal with and care for you while other people deal with their issues.
There is a saying in CODA that love and codependence cannot coexist. Sometimes we get so enmeshed that it's hard to know where our addicts/alcoholics end and we begin.
I would recommend alanon and/or codependence anonymous as a resource while you try to determine what's the best course of action for you.
Again, there will be others alone with more to share, but I just wanted to welcome you. As a starting point, the stickies at the top of the page have some great information.
Keep coming back. You will find a fountain of information, experience strength and hope on these boards.
You will find a lot of information right here on these very boards on how to deal with and care for you while other people deal with their issues.
There is a saying in CODA that love and codependence cannot coexist. Sometimes we get so enmeshed that it's hard to know where our addicts/alcoholics end and we begin.
I would recommend alanon and/or codependence anonymous as a resource while you try to determine what's the best course of action for you.
Again, there will be others alone with more to share, but I just wanted to welcome you. As a starting point, the stickies at the top of the page have some great information.
Keep coming back. You will find a fountain of information, experience strength and hope on these boards.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Should I give it my all or let it go? I keep thinking that if your in love, you should stick it out through these tough times. I'm so confused.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Humble, tx
Posts: 82
If I stay there will be trouble
Welcome worry. You've got us to talk to. Although it is slower around here on the weekends. I read you've already split up, now you can do somethingfor yourself. Read here, share, and you might learn you took the 1st step when you split apart. You are already stronger than me! I'm still living with my abf of almost 7 years.
Try to remember
the three c's, as they are known in alanon
you didn't cause it
you can't control it
you can't cure it
it being alcoholism.
Try to remember
the three c's, as they are known in alanon
you didn't cause it
you can't control it
you can't cure it
it being alcoholism.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Welcome to SR. I hope you find the support and guidance that you seek, I know I did!
This stood out to me in your post...
I keep thinking that if your in love, you should stick it out through these tough times. I'm so confused.
What I've learned in time is that a relationship with an addict isn't really about love. We associate that emotion because I'm sure in the beginning it starts out that way, but in time the addiction becomes a third party in the relationship and love falls away. What remains is NEED.
An addict needs other in their lives to support the addiction. Once they have their drug of choice, of course, they would prefer to be alone as getting high takes all their focus. As family and friends of addicts, we come to NEED them to get sober so much so that it becomes our sole focus.
You are addicted to him as much as he is addicted to the drugs as much as the drug has a hold on you as the source of it's upkeep.
Now that you are apart, the urge to help him and be there for him is going to be very strong as that is what you are used to doing and that is the addiction luring you back in. As they say here, nothing changes if nothing changes.
It's time for you to detox from him. Live the example you want him to see by moving forward and leaving the drug behind.
Blessings to you,
Alice
This stood out to me in your post...
I keep thinking that if your in love, you should stick it out through these tough times. I'm so confused.
What I've learned in time is that a relationship with an addict isn't really about love. We associate that emotion because I'm sure in the beginning it starts out that way, but in time the addiction becomes a third party in the relationship and love falls away. What remains is NEED.
An addict needs other in their lives to support the addiction. Once they have their drug of choice, of course, they would prefer to be alone as getting high takes all their focus. As family and friends of addicts, we come to NEED them to get sober so much so that it becomes our sole focus.
You are addicted to him as much as he is addicted to the drugs as much as the drug has a hold on you as the source of it's upkeep.
Now that you are apart, the urge to help him and be there for him is going to be very strong as that is what you are used to doing and that is the addiction luring you back in. As they say here, nothing changes if nothing changes.
It's time for you to detox from him. Live the example you want him to see by moving forward and leaving the drug behind.
Blessings to you,
Alice
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
First of all, welcome to SR!
I'd like to make a couple of suggestions. Check for Alanon or Naranon meetings in your area for you to attend and start healing. Alanon is more widely available.
Get your hands on a copy of the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Another good read is "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. Those were both eye-openers for me.
When I left my EXAH, because I refused to address my codependency issues, I continued making the same mistakes over and over for the next 13 years, only with different men.
At best they were emotionally unavailable, and at worst, emotionally abusive.
I hope you continue to post here, and know that you are among friends.
I'd like to make a couple of suggestions. Check for Alanon or Naranon meetings in your area for you to attend and start healing. Alanon is more widely available.
Get your hands on a copy of the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Another good read is "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. Those were both eye-openers for me.
When I left my EXAH, because I refused to address my codependency issues, I continued making the same mistakes over and over for the next 13 years, only with different men.
At best they were emotionally unavailable, and at worst, emotionally abusive.
I hope you continue to post here, and know that you are among friends.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 83
Ditto on Al-Anon. This forum is great but it is never a substitute for real face-to-face support from others who have gone down the same road as you.
If he stopped using drugs and committed to a permanent clean and sober lifestyle, then maybe couples counseling would be a start, but until then it is nothing but a waste of your hard earned $$$, and any marriage counselor worth his/her salt will tell you precisely that.
Although your urge to be there for him is a noble one, please remember that you are not powerful enough to make him stop using or keep him clean if and when he makes that decision. Only he can do that, and the only people who can help him are other recovering A's who have been in the same situation. That is not meant to minimize your significance to him, it is just an inalienable fact when it comes to addiction.
An enormous red flag that went up for me was your admission that even though he has quit heroin he is still drinking and using pills, and he has not fully abandoned the idea of returning to heroin at some point in the future. If this is true then I can assure you with absolute certainty that he has not hit his bottom yet, and still has much further to fall. If this is the case, are you willing to allow his consequences to become your consequences, which is what will likely end up happening?
In a perfect world, love would outlast the tough times. Unfortunately the world of addiction is anything but perfect.
MZ
If he stopped using drugs and committed to a permanent clean and sober lifestyle, then maybe couples counseling would be a start, but until then it is nothing but a waste of your hard earned $$$, and any marriage counselor worth his/her salt will tell you precisely that.
Although your urge to be there for him is a noble one, please remember that you are not powerful enough to make him stop using or keep him clean if and when he makes that decision. Only he can do that, and the only people who can help him are other recovering A's who have been in the same situation. That is not meant to minimize your significance to him, it is just an inalienable fact when it comes to addiction.
An enormous red flag that went up for me was your admission that even though he has quit heroin he is still drinking and using pills, and he has not fully abandoned the idea of returning to heroin at some point in the future. If this is true then I can assure you with absolute certainty that he has not hit his bottom yet, and still has much further to fall. If this is the case, are you willing to allow his consequences to become your consequences, which is what will likely end up happening?
In a perfect world, love would outlast the tough times. Unfortunately the world of addiction is anything but perfect.
MZ
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
worry.Should I give it my all or let it go?
I would think in 7 years... you've probably already given as much as you possibly can....
His addiction is about HIM
You staying in an unsatisfying and unhealthy relationship is about YOU
I'll reiterate what Serenebynow said
the three c's, as they are known in alanon
you didn't cause it
you can't control it
you can't cure it
SR is a wonderful place... and many here know exactly how you feel. Keep coming back!
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
"Should I stay or should I go?" GO !!!!
" I am codependent."
Working on yourself and specifically this issue
is how you will grow, learn and find happiness.
" I have never dealt with addiction so I am very new to this"
No, you have been at it for at least the 7 yrs. you have been with the bf
Let go. Couples therapy won't matter if he is an addict and you a codie.
There is a saying, scratch any an addict an there is a codependent under the surface.
Go your way and fix yourself. You will be much better off than another 7 trying to fixx him.
" I am codependent."
Working on yourself and specifically this issue
is how you will grow, learn and find happiness.
" I have never dealt with addiction so I am very new to this"
No, you have been at it for at least the 7 yrs. you have been with the bf
Let go. Couples therapy won't matter if he is an addict and you a codie.
There is a saying, scratch any an addict an there is a codependent under the surface.
Go your way and fix yourself. You will be much better off than another 7 trying to fixx him.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Those words were mine 23 years ago. Guess what--I stayed and he's still actively alcoholic. I'm not second-guessing my choice to stay, I'm just pointing out that your life can go by in a flash and you're still rattling those same questions around in your head a quarter of a century later.
Today is the day that is going to make your life better.
Today is the day that is going to make your life better.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Welcome to SR. I hope you will make this one of your stops while at the computer. There is a wealth of information here. And support.
You asked "should I give it my all?" I'd like to ask you, what would you be giving you all to? Can you articulate this? I - and we - would like to help you see what it is that you want. Then we can move to the next question.
You asked "should I give it my all?" I'd like to ask you, what would you be giving you all to? Can you articulate this? I - and we - would like to help you see what it is that you want. Then we can move to the next question.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 2
Thank you all for your helpful responses!!! Many of you mentioned that I have been dealing with this for awhile and am not truly new to this. And you are all very right, I was in denial for the longest time. I guess I am just unfamiliar about how to properly deal with these situations. My gut is telling me to get out of the relationship but i'm having trouble going through with it. I am going to get help for my codependency. And hopefully my xbf will get help for his issues. Right now I am thinking that couples counseling would be a waste of money. And coffeedrinker, I would be giving my all to making our relationship work. But I am starting to realize that he and I both need to work on ourselves individually before we can be happy together. Thank you all again for your support.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: pacific standard time
Posts: 289
Originally Posted by worry 
But I am starting to realize that he and I both need to work on ourselves individually before we can be happy together. Thank you all again for your support.
and i believe in love, and miss him very much.
just trying to keep the focus on other things. and i come here when i feel alone.
meetings are a bigger help than i ever expected...
thanks for coming here, you aren't alone, and i love the group hug icon too
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 56
Originally Posted by worry
But I am starting to realize that he and I both need to work on ourselves individually before we can be happy together.
I think you are definately on the right track.
Read and educate yourself as much as you can about this condition.
I think you know alot more then what you think you do.
Stay strong, look out for No. 1 (thats YOU) and let us know how you go
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