They Are Opportunists, No Doubt
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
They Are Opportunists, No Doubt
op·por·tun·ist (pr-tnst, -ty-)
n. One who takes advantage of any opportunity to achieve an end, often with no regard for principles or consequences.
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opportunist [ˌɒpəˈtjuːnɪst]
n. A person who adapts his actions, responses, etc., to take advantage of opportunities, circumstances, etc.
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So I called my XA+A "BF" (if that's what you want to call him) because I have some significant work I need done on my house, in his line of work, and I told him, here is some work if you need work (he is self-employed and often looking for work). This actually was not MY idea, it was my current BF's idea to get an estimate from him, which made good sense for a number of reasons which I won't bore you with here.
I wasn't, in the least, worried about being hooked back into anything with him again, because I have always known what that would involve (see everyone else's posts about all the effed-up things these people do). I have known this person for 30+ years. Granted, I did take him somewhat seriously at one point a few years ago, so that when he said he wanted to be in a relationship I said OK and gave him a chance, with a "wait-see" attitude, KNOWING that it likely would not work because of his really bad addictions and alcoholism and all his past behavior which I was well aware of.
As some of you may recall, I had been involved in a charade of a relationship with him, not sleeping with him but tried to help him get sober (which he did, for a time, and he did clean up his life quite a bit). But then he wound up "dumping" me last year for the widow of his best friend who had just died. Yuck.
So, the point of all this is to tell you that XA+A drove out here first thing this morning, showered, shaved, deodorant, whole nine yards, thinking this was an invitation on my part for he and I to get back together. When I informed him that no, this wasn't such an invitation, he decided, through tears and "whoa-is-me," and "I really messed up," and "We have such a connection that I feel your presence when we are not together," etc, he didn't want the work. Can you believe that he sat here crying, telling me how much he loved me, and all the reasons we are meant to be together,and all this sentimental, magical crap; the SAME person who, while supposedly in a relationship with me, had sex with other people no less than three times? Do you think he actually BELIEVES the words that come out of his mouth? And when he drove away, do you think he kept crying or did it just stop as soon as he got in the car?
So now I know for certain that all he is in ANY relationship is an opportunist. He thought this was a way for him to get back in my house, have a cushy place to live, someone to "take care of" him, a soft place to land between benders, whatever. I cannot believe he cannot see what he has done to himself, what he has done and is doing to his life. The last thing I said to him was, "Please go to A.A." and he drove away. I guess he really doesn't see. I guess all that people are to him are to use for his own selfish purposes. How sad a life that is. I look at him and just feel pity. I don't even know if his tears were anything other than tears for feeling sorry for himself.
This is how they ALL are. We all need to accept and remember that. In many cases it hurts to know you have been used, or are being used, or have been used, but once you have gotten to a certain point in your Recovery, you see it for what it is and it doesn't hurt the ways it did before. You become "onto" them, and their games. It is sad to know just how many people are like this, who are affected by the disease of addiction.
I hope you all are well today. I am and I am grateful to my Higher Power for that. Thanks for listening.
n. One who takes advantage of any opportunity to achieve an end, often with no regard for principles or consequences.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
opportunist [ˌɒpəˈtjuːnɪst]
n. A person who adapts his actions, responses, etc., to take advantage of opportunities, circumstances, etc.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So I called my XA+A "BF" (if that's what you want to call him) because I have some significant work I need done on my house, in his line of work, and I told him, here is some work if you need work (he is self-employed and often looking for work). This actually was not MY idea, it was my current BF's idea to get an estimate from him, which made good sense for a number of reasons which I won't bore you with here.
I wasn't, in the least, worried about being hooked back into anything with him again, because I have always known what that would involve (see everyone else's posts about all the effed-up things these people do). I have known this person for 30+ years. Granted, I did take him somewhat seriously at one point a few years ago, so that when he said he wanted to be in a relationship I said OK and gave him a chance, with a "wait-see" attitude, KNOWING that it likely would not work because of his really bad addictions and alcoholism and all his past behavior which I was well aware of.
As some of you may recall, I had been involved in a charade of a relationship with him, not sleeping with him but tried to help him get sober (which he did, for a time, and he did clean up his life quite a bit). But then he wound up "dumping" me last year for the widow of his best friend who had just died. Yuck.
So, the point of all this is to tell you that XA+A drove out here first thing this morning, showered, shaved, deodorant, whole nine yards, thinking this was an invitation on my part for he and I to get back together. When I informed him that no, this wasn't such an invitation, he decided, through tears and "whoa-is-me," and "I really messed up," and "We have such a connection that I feel your presence when we are not together," etc, he didn't want the work. Can you believe that he sat here crying, telling me how much he loved me, and all the reasons we are meant to be together,and all this sentimental, magical crap; the SAME person who, while supposedly in a relationship with me, had sex with other people no less than three times? Do you think he actually BELIEVES the words that come out of his mouth? And when he drove away, do you think he kept crying or did it just stop as soon as he got in the car?
So now I know for certain that all he is in ANY relationship is an opportunist. He thought this was a way for him to get back in my house, have a cushy place to live, someone to "take care of" him, a soft place to land between benders, whatever. I cannot believe he cannot see what he has done to himself, what he has done and is doing to his life. The last thing I said to him was, "Please go to A.A." and he drove away. I guess he really doesn't see. I guess all that people are to him are to use for his own selfish purposes. How sad a life that is. I look at him and just feel pity. I don't even know if his tears were anything other than tears for feeling sorry for himself.
This is how they ALL are. We all need to accept and remember that. In many cases it hurts to know you have been used, or are being used, or have been used, but once you have gotten to a certain point in your Recovery, you see it for what it is and it doesn't hurt the ways it did before. You become "onto" them, and their games. It is sad to know just how many people are like this, who are affected by the disease of addiction.
I hope you all are well today. I am and I am grateful to my Higher Power for that. Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Thanks for posting this, Learn. Very timely. I'm supposed to meet with my recovering AH today to discuss our respective recoveries and our family (or lack of being one). I'm meeting with him because I need/want to hear whatever it is he has to say before I can feel certain I'm ready to follow the path I've been considering since just before he went into treatment just over month ago.
It's nice to have a reminder about his tendency to take advantage of any one who will keep a roof over his head and put up with his self-delusions and lies.
Thanks, again, Learn!
It's nice to have a reminder about his tendency to take advantage of any one who will keep a roof over his head and put up with his self-delusions and lies.
Thanks, again, Learn!
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Be strong uncertainty. Take everything he says with a grain of salt and remember, actions speak louder than words. Here's to a happy and prosperous future for you!!!
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Yes, it is so very sad. He has been gone for hours and he just called me from home, crying, saying how much he loves me and how I am the only one for him, and how special we are, and he cannot stop thinking about me and it's been a year. I don't know what to say to him. He asked me what can he do for me to give him another chance? This is just so sad.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
I really love your post Learn. Well, not that you are going through it, but the perspective. 
I imagine that my XA said much of what your XA said to you, to his ex to get her back. I mean he did tell me that "he'd rather die than be without her and they are meant to be"... I have no doubt that he cried to get her back and expressed undying love.
Sometimes I think I still question myself as far as his actions and wonder if he was being "honest" about his feelings (maybe he was in his own mind). I often wonder if I just really put so much focus on his drinking as a reason to ease my own pain of "losing" him, when it is clear he is an alcoholic with a dual diagnosis.
I often wonder if he really is different, because he always seemed to be so self-aware, and so intelligent when it came to his own actions. It never seemed like he made excuses.
But then I remember the manipulations and lies, atleast the one's that I am sure of. And know that I apply "magical thinking" to him. Either way, he was still a complete jerk to me and never a real friend....except when HE needed it.
Your post is every interesting to me because it allows me to see the perspective of the women who do have their ex's come back and cry and beg and say they are the only woman they will ever love and will ride into the sunset with you, and know that it is all just a manipulation.
I admire your strength. And I suppose this is just what happens when you finally accept who they are and KNOW that you do NOT want their bs in your life, and especially don't buy into their bs anymore.
Thanks for posting!
I imagine that my XA said much of what your XA said to you, to his ex to get her back. I mean he did tell me that "he'd rather die than be without her and they are meant to be"... I have no doubt that he cried to get her back and expressed undying love.
Sometimes I think I still question myself as far as his actions and wonder if he was being "honest" about his feelings (maybe he was in his own mind). I often wonder if I just really put so much focus on his drinking as a reason to ease my own pain of "losing" him, when it is clear he is an alcoholic with a dual diagnosis.
I often wonder if he really is different, because he always seemed to be so self-aware, and so intelligent when it came to his own actions. It never seemed like he made excuses.
But then I remember the manipulations and lies, atleast the one's that I am sure of. And know that I apply "magical thinking" to him. Either way, he was still a complete jerk to me and never a real friend....except when HE needed it.
Your post is every interesting to me because it allows me to see the perspective of the women who do have their ex's come back and cry and beg and say they are the only woman they will ever love and will ride into the sunset with you, and know that it is all just a manipulation.
I admire your strength. And I suppose this is just what happens when you finally accept who they are and KNOW that you do NOT want their bs in your life, and especially don't buy into their bs anymore.
Thanks for posting!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
L2L - great reminder of how we stop remembering after some period of time the complete lack of logic these A's have, and the unreasonable, incredible thoughts that they have.
I haven't seen or talked to my STBX-AH outside of court/legal situations for 5 months. It used to be every moment of every day that I ached for the pain of losing him and our marriage. For the most part, after the AH-HA moment when I realized I wasn't missing him, but rather who he pretended to be at first, and my dream of who I wanted him to be... now I only rarely miss him.
But occasionally, I have conversations with him in my mind. They're always logical and reasonable and end up with us hugging and agreeing that, although we love each other, we can't be together. Then we stop the divorce battle, shake hands and each go our merry way.
N-O-T !!!
You reminded me that I will never, EVER have a reasonable conversation with him. Even if he were to go into recovery today, and we were to meet again in x years, I can't imagine him being reasonable or logical. And without Extreme Divine intervention, not even recovery will happen for him, much less a reasonable conversation in x number of years. No, having conversations with our XA's, in most cases, is not a good plan. It's very sad. The pain of complete loss is great. No wonder we suffer and mourn.
The good news is... I AM learning, growing and healing. I DO have great hope for my own future. Nothing worth having comes without hard work and often struggle. I am worth the work. As we all here are.
Thanks for the reminder, L2L!
I haven't seen or talked to my STBX-AH outside of court/legal situations for 5 months. It used to be every moment of every day that I ached for the pain of losing him and our marriage. For the most part, after the AH-HA moment when I realized I wasn't missing him, but rather who he pretended to be at first, and my dream of who I wanted him to be... now I only rarely miss him.
But occasionally, I have conversations with him in my mind. They're always logical and reasonable and end up with us hugging and agreeing that, although we love each other, we can't be together. Then we stop the divorce battle, shake hands and each go our merry way.
N-O-T !!!
You reminded me that I will never, EVER have a reasonable conversation with him. Even if he were to go into recovery today, and we were to meet again in x years, I can't imagine him being reasonable or logical. And without Extreme Divine intervention, not even recovery will happen for him, much less a reasonable conversation in x number of years. No, having conversations with our XA's, in most cases, is not a good plan. It's very sad. The pain of complete loss is great. No wonder we suffer and mourn.
The good news is... I AM learning, growing and healing. I DO have great hope for my own future. Nothing worth having comes without hard work and often struggle. I am worth the work. As we all here are.
Thanks for the reminder, L2L!
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I think the best part about SR (and Al-Anon) is that they both allow for one person's pain and suffering to not go to waste, that is, to give others perspective too. Kinda' like recycling bad experiences for a common good, LOL. Thank you so much for your kind replies, they all made me feel just a little better. I am still sad though, and somehow I KNEW that I shouldn't have called him even though it was for work. I likely made it harder for him, and his life is already difficult enough. I still don't know what to believe.
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
It doesn't matter if my life - single - goes on to find that magical carpet to take me out of whatever mood/place I may be in. I just thank my lucky stars that I'm away from all that and I finally got onto them. I like my peace, serenity, my life just as it is. 
opportunist = carpetbagger, go getter, ingrate, timeserver, self seeker.
opportunist = carpetbagger, go getter, ingrate, timeserver, self seeker.
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