Update on bad end of the week.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Update on bad end of the week.
Any questions about whether or not husband has relapsed are answered. After last week's display at work and the nasty phone messages that day, he was quiet this week until this morning. Last weekend I called him to give us the opportunity to talk while not at work and emphasize the boundary that he is not to try to talk to me at work. No surprise - he did not answer and left me a message two days later saying he was getting back to me. I let it go.
This morning he calls before work and curses me out b/c I won't pay for the divorce. Then says that I should understand why he is upset. I didn't continue the convo when the cursing started and hung up. At work he left part way through the day and left me alone. No doubt out for extra drink time. Reminded me of how he was before.
Feel like I emailing: " if you put as much energy into sobriety and our relationship as you do into arguing about money and drinking - we would be just fine."
I am posting mostly b/c I was surprised that he has taken such a step backward. I guess I got lolled into dreamland this past year while he was sober and trying to straighten his life out.
Just dissappointing and sad. Can't believe I am hearing the old stuff over again. One bright spot is that in the past I would not be able to go to work that day and would feel sorry for myself and try to engage him in a day long arguing session to correct him. Today, I did not engage, I let go, and went on to work. I went over what I would like to say to him but kept cutting myself off when it started. No tears, no sadness or self pity, no anger even! I was able to focus on my work and occ wondered what he is thinking?
Major changes for me. Yeah! Sorry for him that he has reverted and feeling some concern over what it will take this time to get his attention. Last time landed him in the hospital. Thought for sure it was enough. Guess not.
Asking for prayers.
This morning he calls before work and curses me out b/c I won't pay for the divorce. Then says that I should understand why he is upset. I didn't continue the convo when the cursing started and hung up. At work he left part way through the day and left me alone. No doubt out for extra drink time. Reminded me of how he was before.
Feel like I emailing: " if you put as much energy into sobriety and our relationship as you do into arguing about money and drinking - we would be just fine."
I am posting mostly b/c I was surprised that he has taken such a step backward. I guess I got lolled into dreamland this past year while he was sober and trying to straighten his life out.
Just dissappointing and sad. Can't believe I am hearing the old stuff over again. One bright spot is that in the past I would not be able to go to work that day and would feel sorry for myself and try to engage him in a day long arguing session to correct him. Today, I did not engage, I let go, and went on to work. I went over what I would like to say to him but kept cutting myself off when it started. No tears, no sadness or self pity, no anger even! I was able to focus on my work and occ wondered what he is thinking?
Major changes for me. Yeah! Sorry for him that he has reverted and feeling some concern over what it will take this time to get his attention. Last time landed him in the hospital. Thought for sure it was enough. Guess not.
Asking for prayers.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
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Anvil says it for me; this "man" is a total JERK.
Actually, jerk is being kind....only used it because if I called him what I really thought, I would have to go to confession today.
If you want it, and can afford to go for divorce yourself....go for it.
However he was the one screeching about getting it, so if you aren't in any hurry let him do it. But for God's sake do not hold your breath, waiting.
Well done with the way you now handle his behavior, and being able to go on with what you need to do. Not letting his actions sabotage your ability to think, work and cope.
God bless
Actually, jerk is being kind....only used it because if I called him what I really thought, I would have to go to confession today.
If you want it, and can afford to go for divorce yourself....go for it.
However he was the one screeching about getting it, so if you aren't in any hurry let him do it. But for God's sake do not hold your breath, waiting.
Well done with the way you now handle his behavior, and being able to go on with what you need to do. Not letting his actions sabotage your ability to think, work and cope.
God bless
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
I do not want to get his attention now, when I thought he was still sober I wanted to work on rebuilding our marriage. When he insisted on a D but wanted me to do it all I wanted him to realize that he has to do it. Now that I know he has relapsed, I am just expressing concern for him.
I haven't wanted a D and I don't really think he does either - it is a knee jerk thing that he says. However, I have thought that if he ever really did it - and I told him so - that I would cooperate. For myself, I have done it in the past but couldn't go through with it. I find that I consider it only when angry at him. If it is to be - I want to be at a place where I am not reacting but taking action in my best interests.
I find that we both have a lot of emotions going on between us that a D would not resolve at this time. I am working on myself so that I can move forward with positive emotion either way.
I haven't wanted a D and I don't really think he does either - it is a knee jerk thing that he says. However, I have thought that if he ever really did it - and I told him so - that I would cooperate. For myself, I have done it in the past but couldn't go through with it. I find that I consider it only when angry at him. If it is to be - I want to be at a place where I am not reacting but taking action in my best interests.
I find that we both have a lot of emotions going on between us that a D would not resolve at this time. I am working on myself so that I can move forward with positive emotion either way.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: central texas
Posts: 146
JERK. he's a broken record, and it's the only record he's got, so i wouldn't spend tooooo much time thinking he's gonna play another tune any time soon.
I had to laugh at this quote. I have one of these Jerks myself, and he has the same broken record
I had to laugh at this quote. I have one of these Jerks myself, and he has the same broken record
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
If it is to be - I want to be at a place where I am not reacting but taking action in my best interests.
This jumped out at me. What a great way to look at the situation.
If a divorce doesn't feel right to you, for whatever reason, then let things just be.
When I started recovery I wasn't all too sure I wanted to separate from my XABF. I just wanted to be happy and at one time I was happy with him. I didn't believe that separation was the answer....but....I didn't think staying together the way things were was best for me either. Alot of my decisions were driven by emotions of the day, for sure. As I proceeded through recovery I started to detach my emotions from his addiction-driven behaviors and I found I was able to see what I wanted more clearly.
The answers for me did come in time as they always do if I keep faith and focus on myself. I realized that I did want to separate from him and there was no indecision in it, no debilitating heartache (disappointment yes, sadness for his condition yes). It just was what it was.
I think the decision to move foward on your own or not, to stay or to go etc. will all come in time. You are doing what you need to do to be open to whatever will be.
Best to you!!
Alice
This jumped out at me. What a great way to look at the situation.
If a divorce doesn't feel right to you, for whatever reason, then let things just be. When I started recovery I wasn't all too sure I wanted to separate from my XABF. I just wanted to be happy and at one time I was happy with him. I didn't believe that separation was the answer....but....I didn't think staying together the way things were was best for me either. Alot of my decisions were driven by emotions of the day, for sure. As I proceeded through recovery I started to detach my emotions from his addiction-driven behaviors and I found I was able to see what I wanted more clearly.
The answers for me did come in time as they always do if I keep faith and focus on myself. I realized that I did want to separate from him and there was no indecision in it, no debilitating heartache (disappointment yes, sadness for his condition yes). It just was what it was.
I think the decision to move foward on your own or not, to stay or to go etc. will all come in time. You are doing what you need to do to be open to whatever will be.
Best to you!!
Alice
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Yes, since being here at SR I have been more aware of my own knee jerk reactions and how every decision I made was being driven by my reacting.
Often I regretted my decisions and occ not. I have been trying to catch my reactivity and trying something different. I started making decisions based on my awareness level of the physical reaction of my body. I decided that my body won't lie to me. My mind will, my emotions will, but the body can't lie. If I think of one decision and tension comes up - then I know I have to look at the decision. If I feel relaxed, then I know it is good for me. Don't know if this will work for everyone.
This came from a combination of factors, like having migraines, neck and shoulder pain, generalized anxiety or tension. I noticed when we lived together I was always walking on eggshells, being anxious and tense a lot of the time. I would get migraines when we argued. But w/o him around, some of these things continued so I started to pay attention to who I was talking to or what I doing which clued me in on certain behaviors or streams of thought that were not working for me.
Often I regretted my decisions and occ not. I have been trying to catch my reactivity and trying something different. I started making decisions based on my awareness level of the physical reaction of my body. I decided that my body won't lie to me. My mind will, my emotions will, but the body can't lie. If I think of one decision and tension comes up - then I know I have to look at the decision. If I feel relaxed, then I know it is good for me. Don't know if this will work for everyone.
This came from a combination of factors, like having migraines, neck and shoulder pain, generalized anxiety or tension. I noticed when we lived together I was always walking on eggshells, being anxious and tense a lot of the time. I would get migraines when we argued. But w/o him around, some of these things continued so I started to pay attention to who I was talking to or what I doing which clued me in on certain behaviors or streams of thought that were not working for me.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 97
Originally Posted by Kassie2 
I started making decisions based on my awareness level of the physical reaction of my body. I decided that my body won't lie to me. My mind will, my emotions will, but the body can't lie. If I think of one decision and tension comes up - then I know I have to look at the decision. If I feel relaxed, then I know it is good for me. Don't know if this will work for everyone.
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