Something I'm worried about but haven't mentioned
 

Yes, I used the word "worried" even though I'm not supposed to use it or do it.

This is the dark cloud I seem looming in my future.

See, he's in school (or was) and is supported by financial aid. If he fails at school, he will no longer have any funding, which means he'll probably end up with nowhere to live, very soon (the quarter will be over in early June).

If this happens, I have NO doubt he will show up at my door, crying, telling me he totally screwed up, that he'll never drink again, if I just help him out til he gets on his feet, etc.

I know I'll have to say, "No". So when I say, "no", I'll feel horrible and guilty and awful. If I say "yes", I'll feel horrible, and awful, and really stressed out.

The thing is, I don't want to do either. I don't want to have to deal with that situation. I just want to heal and move on. That's what I want.

In the past, I would have just moved out of the state. I'm a runner.

this seems like a lot of projection into the future to me, keep pedaling. early june is a long time away.

try to stay present and let the worries of the day be enough for the day.

who knows what could transpire in the next 6 weeks in your life?

naive

Thanks Naive. You're right. I just hate that looming feeling I get sometimes. It's like you know you've got this horrible exam waiting for you at the end of the quarter and the pressure of it always seems to be there...lurking.

I need to shake it off.

Yep focus on now!

In the meantime practice practice practice saying no to others when they should be doing for them selves to curb any Codie habits :)

Saying no will be hard. For a few days.
Saying YES will keep you in this drama until you have to kick him out - which will be like #1. So you might as well say no in the first place.

I have three active alcoholic aging and impoverished brothers who I have a codependent relationship with.
I dread contact with them because it usually includes a request for a handout.

Something you might consider is that you may not be his only source. I was surprised to find out that my bros ask for money from just about everyone. (!!!!!)
It's their game.

I am not suggesting that your ex has other gf's, but I have seen my bros develop codependency everywhere and with anyone, anytime. Their friends, other relatives, take your pick.

In other words, you may not be the last gas station on the highway. So, I wouldn't worry about that.

The other thing is that if you help him, you may just be prolonging the misery and preventing the effect of the consequences he seriously may need to feel. Hitting bottom is what brings many people to the door of recovery.

can you run interception? Like loss control ? what would be the worst to happen if you made it clear to him that showing up on your doorstep is not an option.

I do this a lot - worry about things that haven't happened yet or may not happen yet. It's a tough habit to break.

I like this advice.

I also think that if you have NO CONTACT with him at all in the next weeks, it will be more unlikely that he shows up on your doorstep.

I also know it will be hard to say no but you can do it and you'll feel better about yourself when you do. Don't break no contact and you wont' even have to say no. If he shows up on your door step refuse to answer it. If he causes a ruckus, call the cops to have him escorted away. Seriously. Just don't let him cross your line.

I had to do it too so I know it isn't easy - and my lousy xah didn't take it well, kept begging, and spoke to the kids about it blaming me for the fact he can't eat.

OMG - Poor 47 year old college educated man can't figure out how to eat. Wah wah wah.

I'm in a mood today, lol. Basically I'm just saying it is probably unlikely to happen anyway but if you are prone to worry - just make a plan for how you'll handle it. Make the plan now, when there is no high emotion to confuse you, and then set the worry aside. You've already solved it :)

The blame never stops. My ex just loves portraying herself as the victim. I am sure her behaviour is calculated - she made being around her so unbearable that anyone would flee - then she would say - "See, he abandoned me." "He's not supportive." (This despite the fact that I shelled out thousands of dollars in stuff for our daughter). Then she would proceed with the emotional blackmail regarding. She even resisted setting up my child support payments so she could continue to play the victim and continue on the dole. She went so far as to not put my name on the birth certificate in order to make it harder on me.

No is a complete sentence. I love that line. Try thinking of it that way. And call the cops if HE ever thinks there has to be more to say. :)

You must be quite unwilling to be sucked back into the drama of his life. He made these choices. He has to live with the consequences of those choices.

Live your life, and don't worry about what you can't control. If he shows up, have a plan of attack. If he doesn't, you've wasted all this energy worrying about something that never happened!

Prayers and hugs to you! Stay strong sister! You can do it!

Don't Borrow From Tomorrow

ha ha, thumper. good one! thanks for the laugh and the perspective.

naive

Weirdly, a few hours ago, someone was frantically buzzing the call buzzer to my place (I live in a security building). I have no idea who it was. I didn't answer.

Good for you for stepping back from that buzzer, KP.

Anyone you'd want to answer the door for wouldn't have been leaning on the buzzer like that. ;)

I am perfectly safe and loved
right now
in this moment
All is for my greater good
I experience love wherever I go.

Try that. Just keep saying it.

EXCELLENT suggestion. There's something about human nature that makes letting someone know AHEAD of time easier on both people involved.

Consider this real time. Would it be easier to contact him now and say what Insulated suggested; "showing up on my doorstep is not an option"?

Or turning him away if he actually shows up.

Great suggestion, Insulated!

The only way to make it clear would be to contact him and I've been nc with him for weeks and weeks now.

Living in and breathing through the present moment...one day at a time KP, you and me both