Being completely alone
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Being completely alone
I was just wondering if there is anyone out there who feels completely alone?
Obviously most here feel some kind of alienation from their AH, or A relationship, but I mean who also has no family who is really there for them, and has a couple of close friends who are supportive, but besides that feeling utterly alone...
and how you deal with that?
Obviously most here feel some kind of alienation from their AH, or A relationship, but I mean who also has no family who is really there for them, and has a couple of close friends who are supportive, but besides that feeling utterly alone...
and how you deal with that?
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
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I don't currently feel that way, but I have.
But we are both never alone and always alone.
On the one hand, there are always people who we interact with that we matter to. Whether we have close family or not.
When we are feeling down, it is easy to FEEL alone when there really is love and/or appreciation around us.
On the other hand, as they say, we come into this world alone and so we go out of it. But that is okay. Because while we are independent beings, we are part of the great world - at least that is how I look at it.
The Buddhists and the metaphysicists say that in truth, we are just energy and our energy (and molecules) and coming and going all the time, and all of that occurs in a closed system. They say we have carbon in us from Ceasar. That we breathe oxygen that was in Shakespeare.
So, I think about being a part of this whole universe and I feel more connected.
I journal about where negative (lonely) feelings are coming from, if I feel them. What stories do I have about being alone? What "evidence" do I have from my past that gave me the idea that I was totally alone? What happened to me to make me decide that? Those questions can help me see that that is a story I have told myself. That I just as well could have decided I am connected and then I would have walked around looking for evidence of that...
I think about being a part of my family and friend network.
I think about those people I matter to and have made a difference to.
And I try to FEEL how that feels.
I try to generate the good feelings.
There's this guy Robert Smith that teaches "Faster EFT" on youtube and he talks about making a happy journal that has 10 happy experiences written out in detail so you can go to it and remember those good feelings (like the ones when you felt connected) and develop those, since what feelings we develop get multiplied.
And therapy?
Besides, you're not alone. We are all here loving and supporting you!
But we are both never alone and always alone.
On the one hand, there are always people who we interact with that we matter to. Whether we have close family or not.
When we are feeling down, it is easy to FEEL alone when there really is love and/or appreciation around us.
On the other hand, as they say, we come into this world alone and so we go out of it. But that is okay. Because while we are independent beings, we are part of the great world - at least that is how I look at it.
The Buddhists and the metaphysicists say that in truth, we are just energy and our energy (and molecules) and coming and going all the time, and all of that occurs in a closed system. They say we have carbon in us from Ceasar. That we breathe oxygen that was in Shakespeare.
So, I think about being a part of this whole universe and I feel more connected.
I journal about where negative (lonely) feelings are coming from, if I feel them. What stories do I have about being alone? What "evidence" do I have from my past that gave me the idea that I was totally alone? What happened to me to make me decide that? Those questions can help me see that that is a story I have told myself. That I just as well could have decided I am connected and then I would have walked around looking for evidence of that...
I think about being a part of my family and friend network.
I think about those people I matter to and have made a difference to.
And I try to FEEL how that feels.
I try to generate the good feelings.
There's this guy Robert Smith that teaches "Faster EFT" on youtube and he talks about making a happy journal that has 10 happy experiences written out in detail so you can go to it and remember those good feelings (like the ones when you felt connected) and develop those, since what feelings we develop get multiplied.
And therapy?
Besides, you're not alone. We are all here loving and supporting you!
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I can feel a bit down and lonely, but thankfully not often, and certainly not as deeply as I did many times when living with my then super active abh.
Now I am living on my own, but in the same unit complex as he is, am alone often but NOT lonely.
I have interests, eg SR, making cards, doing wedding invites etc, generally keeping my brain active by surfing the net...(my God, haven't I had a few surprises???)...reading.
When I do feel lonely or down, I now start having a chat with Jesus....telling him my feelings, worries, hopes as if He were a friend beside me, in the flesh. Then I sit quietly for a bit, and let Him have his say. Trust me, I never get up feeling less than refreshed in spirit, and the loneliness having gone.
I wish this peace and contentment to you all, who feel lonely and down right now.
God bless
Now I am living on my own, but in the same unit complex as he is, am alone often but NOT lonely.
I have interests, eg SR, making cards, doing wedding invites etc, generally keeping my brain active by surfing the net...(my God, haven't I had a few surprises???)...reading.
When I do feel lonely or down, I now start having a chat with Jesus....telling him my feelings, worries, hopes as if He were a friend beside me, in the flesh. Then I sit quietly for a bit, and let Him have his say. Trust me, I never get up feeling less than refreshed in spirit, and the loneliness having gone.
I wish this peace and contentment to you all, who feel lonely and down right now.
God bless
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Thanks to you both
I ask because I was majorly triggered today with my feeling of being completely abandonded by family. I'm disowned by my father, and just have come to terms with the fact that my mother has never been there for me, left me to my father and went on to raise two other daughters who she has close relationships with. Essentially I have realized I have no real parents.
Well, the 2 people who have been very important to me are my fathers sister and her husband. They are both really caring and adored people. They have shared an amazing life and I have always looked up to them. Well, I feel I have always been the black sheep in the family always searching for a connection but never figuring out how. I've tried to constantly get it through relationships and constantly reaching out.
I had been planning to spend Christmas with them last year, and they cancelled on me telling me that they're plans had changed and they were going to spend it with their son and his wife. Which I understood....but at the time I was still going through the loss of my XA, and holidays are just hard overall....so it was a difficult holiday being alone, but I sucked it up.
I am moving from here in 3 weeks and they have known that I was planning to spend a couple of days with them. I told her how important it was to me to see her, and I couldn't wait.
After being in therapy for almost a year I have come to terms with so much, and I wanted to tell her how much my relationship with them meant, what I had realized about my life...etc. Just the other day I told her this was so important.
Today I get the call that they mismarked their calendar and they are going to Florida with friends, and she's backed out on them before and she just can't do it again. And she's sure I can find a hotel to stay in on my move.
I WAS SO HURT! I just couldn't even believe it. This feeling that ONCE again, I get trumped for someone else.
I expressed my hurt....then out of nowhere she starts to tell me how it was my choice to move here and want someone who didn't want me...and I have to take responsibility and etc... and how it just seemed like I was running away from here and I should have thought about staying here because I have a great therapist.
I COULDN"T EVEN FORM WORDS!
ALL I HAVE BEEN DOING THIS PAST YEAR IS TAKE RESPONSIBILITY!!! All I have been doing is coming to terms with every decision I have made for 34 years, and why I ended up where I did.
Mostly she went into the relationship with my XA, but that's not even why it was so important for me to see her... it was because of ALL of the family issues I have felt, and to get to tell her how much they meant to me. And running away??? I have talked with my therapist about this, and I am MISERABLE here...I have no one I really know, I have been depressed, it contains such bad memories for me here, and I have never thought about suicide before in my life...but I went through that here, and I am NOT going to stay somewhere just to make a point. I feel moving to where my friends are, continuing with school and surrounding myself with people I trust is the healthiest thing I can do for myself. I know I can survive, but I am not going to be unhappy while surviving!
I felt a completely sense of blame shifting. She knows it's a REALLY crappy thing to do to me, so she projected all of this crap on to me to make herself feel better about backing out from seeing me.
I have done nothing but try so hard to fit into MY OWN family, and it just doesn't happen. I said to her one of the things that hurt me most was that over X-mas when she told me they were spending it with their son, I said I understood and I would never ask that they not.... and her response at the time was " well, there's no way we wouldn't, we have to spend x-mas with him"....
I said to her today...but "no one says they have to spend christmas with me". This stuff has just been building up and it hurts so much.
On top of it all, she is one of the reasons my father doesn't speak to me.....it's just a long story. But I just have realized that I literally have no emotionally supportive family to turn to.
I'm sorry, i'm so drained tonight. Thinking that they were there for me no matter what was something that felt so good. And they aren't...they are there for their tennis playing neighbors for a whim Fla vaca before they go off to Europe for a month, but no they can't maybe be there for me when they know how alone I have been. Actually, they don't know.....they cannot even fathom how I have felt because they have never had to feel this way.
Truly, the only person I can count on is myself.
Thanks for letting me ramble. The emotional closure of packing up and leaving is still high, and now just this today was another rug pulled out from under me.
I ask because I was majorly triggered today with my feeling of being completely abandonded by family. I'm disowned by my father, and just have come to terms with the fact that my mother has never been there for me, left me to my father and went on to raise two other daughters who she has close relationships with. Essentially I have realized I have no real parents.
Well, the 2 people who have been very important to me are my fathers sister and her husband. They are both really caring and adored people. They have shared an amazing life and I have always looked up to them. Well, I feel I have always been the black sheep in the family always searching for a connection but never figuring out how. I've tried to constantly get it through relationships and constantly reaching out.
I had been planning to spend Christmas with them last year, and they cancelled on me telling me that they're plans had changed and they were going to spend it with their son and his wife. Which I understood....but at the time I was still going through the loss of my XA, and holidays are just hard overall....so it was a difficult holiday being alone, but I sucked it up.
I am moving from here in 3 weeks and they have known that I was planning to spend a couple of days with them. I told her how important it was to me to see her, and I couldn't wait.
After being in therapy for almost a year I have come to terms with so much, and I wanted to tell her how much my relationship with them meant, what I had realized about my life...etc. Just the other day I told her this was so important.
Today I get the call that they mismarked their calendar and they are going to Florida with friends, and she's backed out on them before and she just can't do it again. And she's sure I can find a hotel to stay in on my move.
I WAS SO HURT! I just couldn't even believe it. This feeling that ONCE again, I get trumped for someone else.
I expressed my hurt....then out of nowhere she starts to tell me how it was my choice to move here and want someone who didn't want me...and I have to take responsibility and etc... and how it just seemed like I was running away from here and I should have thought about staying here because I have a great therapist.
I COULDN"T EVEN FORM WORDS!
ALL I HAVE BEEN DOING THIS PAST YEAR IS TAKE RESPONSIBILITY!!! All I have been doing is coming to terms with every decision I have made for 34 years, and why I ended up where I did.
Mostly she went into the relationship with my XA, but that's not even why it was so important for me to see her... it was because of ALL of the family issues I have felt, and to get to tell her how much they meant to me. And running away??? I have talked with my therapist about this, and I am MISERABLE here...I have no one I really know, I have been depressed, it contains such bad memories for me here, and I have never thought about suicide before in my life...but I went through that here, and I am NOT going to stay somewhere just to make a point. I feel moving to where my friends are, continuing with school and surrounding myself with people I trust is the healthiest thing I can do for myself. I know I can survive, but I am not going to be unhappy while surviving!
I felt a completely sense of blame shifting. She knows it's a REALLY crappy thing to do to me, so she projected all of this crap on to me to make herself feel better about backing out from seeing me.
I have done nothing but try so hard to fit into MY OWN family, and it just doesn't happen. I said to her one of the things that hurt me most was that over X-mas when she told me they were spending it with their son, I said I understood and I would never ask that they not.... and her response at the time was " well, there's no way we wouldn't, we have to spend x-mas with him"....
I said to her today...but "no one says they have to spend christmas with me". This stuff has just been building up and it hurts so much.
On top of it all, she is one of the reasons my father doesn't speak to me.....it's just a long story. But I just have realized that I literally have no emotionally supportive family to turn to.
I'm sorry, i'm so drained tonight. Thinking that they were there for me no matter what was something that felt so good. And they aren't...they are there for their tennis playing neighbors for a whim Fla vaca before they go off to Europe for a month, but no they can't maybe be there for me when they know how alone I have been. Actually, they don't know.....they cannot even fathom how I have felt because they have never had to feel this way.
Truly, the only person I can count on is myself.
Thanks for letting me ramble. The emotional closure of packing up and leaving is still high, and now just this today was another rug pulled out from under me.
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Location: new york
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I have my days where I feel completely alone and it brings the anger and disappointment back. I do this once a week while sitting in my chemo chair. I see all the sick ones like me with loved ones around them. Men holding their wives hands, women getting juice for their husbands and then....there's just me.... I'm going through a time now that I feel so used and manipulated. It's been almost 9 months since he left the first time and almost 5 months without him completely but the pain for me is still there. Not because I miss him but because what I had turned out to be a lie. I try to stay calm and sane for my kids' sake but it's hard. I have a few close friends but my family is so far away and his family has ousted me as well. I guess knowing that your love was wasted is a hard pill to swallow. I for the most part am happy but it's those chemo days.....the night before and the day of.............I cry. I have a hard time talking to God. My life has been so hard and I've tried to be nothing but a good, caring person but I am constantly tested and I am reaching my breaking point. I am physically, mentally and spiritualy drained...............
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Ladyhawk - I just want to give YOU a hug!!!
I have my days where I feel completely alone and it brings the anger and disappointment back
This is very true....after my convo today I came home and cried for, what felt like, hours.
In my despair I also remembered that my XA didn't want me, and I have my pillow to hug while i'm feeling hurt, and he has his girlfriend to comfort him.
I have a hard time talking to God as well, and I really was trying to work on my connection with my HP for a while, it's days like this that reminds me I still have A LOT of work to do.
I have my days where I feel completely alone and it brings the anger and disappointment back
This is very true....after my convo today I came home and cried for, what felt like, hours.
In my despair I also remembered that my XA didn't want me, and I have my pillow to hug while i'm feeling hurt, and he has his girlfriend to comfort him.
I have a hard time talking to God as well, and I really was trying to work on my connection with my HP for a while, it's days like this that reminds me I still have A LOT of work to do.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
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I do it to myself though! Funny, I'd been talking to a friend about my daughter today and I just got off the phone from her calling me.
Some people have to have people around them all the time. Actually, I'd rather have one or two real close friends than hundreds of acquaintance.
I can relate what you're saying from a father's point of view instead of the child.
Can you just call your mom or dad and just talk at all. Something as simple as I love you? It never hurts to leave the door open a crack
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You know what, I wish it was that easy.
I wrote my father a couple of months ago....opening up the lines of communication.... and NO response.
Keep in mind this is after tellling my father that I was sexually abused by my step father and his response being "I can't believe I now I have to deal with knowing this, and I can't believe that you didn't trust me enough to tell me when you were a child".
Ummmm yeah...
and my mother, we do speak, but my mother is as emotionally closed off as anyone else. She's childish and I choose to no longer allow her negativity to bring me down. She, while also not forming any kind of real relationship with me, her own daughter, as brought some 20 something year old man into the "family" and chosen to name him as her son and buy him birthday and christmas gifts and call him and see him.... and do I get that motherly attention?.... no.
Still want to tell me to reach out? I am DONE reaching out. Reaching out is all I have done my entire life, and in doing so putting up with A LOT of mistreatment.
There are usually more than one reason why someone may decide to not reach out to certain people...those are a couple of mine.
My therapist really helped me to see that I have been my own parent my entire life. I never had parenting from them, and I will not continue to be their parents...they were supposed to be mine.
I wrote my father a couple of months ago....opening up the lines of communication.... and NO response.
Keep in mind this is after tellling my father that I was sexually abused by my step father and his response being "I can't believe I now I have to deal with knowing this, and I can't believe that you didn't trust me enough to tell me when you were a child".
Ummmm yeah...
and my mother, we do speak, but my mother is as emotionally closed off as anyone else. She's childish and I choose to no longer allow her negativity to bring me down. She, while also not forming any kind of real relationship with me, her own daughter, as brought some 20 something year old man into the "family" and chosen to name him as her son and buy him birthday and christmas gifts and call him and see him.... and do I get that motherly attention?.... no.
Still want to tell me to reach out? I am DONE reaching out. Reaching out is all I have done my entire life, and in doing so putting up with A LOT of mistreatment.
There are usually more than one reason why someone may decide to not reach out to certain people...those are a couple of mine.
My therapist really helped me to see that I have been my own parent my entire life. I never had parenting from them, and I will not continue to be their parents...they were supposed to be mine.
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Both sets of grandparents are passed.
My aunt and uncle who I felt I was closest too is who this thread is initially about...the 2 I have looked to for the most support, and in doing so have been completely let down.
I have family aquaintances...but the best way to describe it is when it comes to holidays, I am not expected anywhere.
My aunt and uncle who I felt I was closest too is who this thread is initially about...the 2 I have looked to for the most support, and in doing so have been completely let down.
I have family aquaintances...but the best way to describe it is when it comes to holidays, I am not expected anywhere.
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My grandfather (my father's father) was the man I cared about the most... and he and my father didn't speak up until his death. There was no resolve and my father did nothing but bash him to me and the only thing he was concerned about was the amount of the will.... that was the beginning of the end of my relationship with my father. I couldn't stomach his absolute distain for his father, and I couldn't appreciate him trying to get me to literally hate my grandfather.
So he chose to disown me when he felt I was disloyal because I refused to get info about the will to him.
I imagine as a father, you would probably go about things differently.
My father is a narcissist...diagnosably. His main concern is money and presenting himself to have it. If you had money, he bragged he was your friend...
Yet wouldn't even buy me lunch when I came through town because he cou'dn't "afford" to, but wanted to go and show me his PLANE in the same day.
It is impossible to have a loving relationship with a man like that.
I was born into complete dysfunction and I have somehow made the "best" of it. In many ways I am very fortunate. I am a true survivor, sometimes I don't know how.
So he chose to disown me when he felt I was disloyal because I refused to get info about the will to him.
I imagine as a father, you would probably go about things differently.
My father is a narcissist...diagnosably. His main concern is money and presenting himself to have it. If you had money, he bragged he was your friend...
Yet wouldn't even buy me lunch when I came through town because he cou'dn't "afford" to, but wanted to go and show me his PLANE in the same day.
It is impossible to have a loving relationship with a man like that.
I was born into complete dysfunction and I have somehow made the "best" of it. In many ways I am very fortunate. I am a true survivor, sometimes I don't know how.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
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ouch that is tough.
for years, I tired to stay away from the family gatherings. I have a very large family. I've spent a few Thanksgivings at a gambling casino. Hardly anyone is there on Thanksgiving
for years, I tired to stay away from the family gatherings. I have a very large family. I've spent a few Thanksgivings at a gambling casino. Hardly anyone is there on Thanksgiving
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My therapist told me once that she actually is amazed that I never became a drug addict, or a prostitute, or abused alcohol.....
I don't know either.
I guess the addiction I deal with is complete co-dependency on relationships and has been looking for a man to fill a void. Looking at my histiry I understand why, i'm just so ready to change that!
I don't know either.
I guess the addiction I deal with is complete co-dependency on relationships and has been looking for a man to fill a void. Looking at my histiry I understand why, i'm just so ready to change that!
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I'm alone, but don't feel alone. My kids are grown and have gone their own ways... I have my pets here at home with me. They are good company!
I work with other people during the day, and have a few longtime close friends... but no real family - my folks have passed on, no siblings. A few distant relatives, but they live so far away I don't see them but maybe once a year.
Honestly, I don't feel lonely. After so many years of pure hell, I am enjoying the solitude very much. Maybe that is odd. :-)
I wouldn't run from another relationship, but find myself content where I am just as it is right now. I've had time to heal, time to find myself a bit more - which is a good thing for me, as I've felt like I'd lost myself long ago in the wake of my X's addiction tornado.
You know, there are many lonely people in the world, many elderly people in nursing homes that never get any visitors, people in the hospital that have no family - and kids too that need a mentor. Plenty of ways to fill that void if you are feeling "left out" - all you need to do is take that step and volunteer. The benefits are great!
I work with other people during the day, and have a few longtime close friends... but no real family - my folks have passed on, no siblings. A few distant relatives, but they live so far away I don't see them but maybe once a year.
Honestly, I don't feel lonely. After so many years of pure hell, I am enjoying the solitude very much. Maybe that is odd. :-)
I wouldn't run from another relationship, but find myself content where I am just as it is right now. I've had time to heal, time to find myself a bit more - which is a good thing for me, as I've felt like I'd lost myself long ago in the wake of my X's addiction tornado.
You know, there are many lonely people in the world, many elderly people in nursing homes that never get any visitors, people in the hospital that have no family - and kids too that need a mentor. Plenty of ways to fill that void if you are feeling "left out" - all you need to do is take that step and volunteer. The benefits are great!
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Originally Posted by Kittyboo 
Both sets of grandparents are passed.
My aunt and uncle who I felt I was closest too is who this thread is initially about...the 2 I have looked to for the most support, and in doing so have been completely let down.
I have family aquaintances...but the best way to describe it is when it comes to holidays, I am not expected anywhere.
My aunt and uncle who I felt I was closest too is who this thread is initially about...the 2 I have looked to for the most support, and in doing so have been completely let down.
I have family aquaintances...but the best way to describe it is when it comes to holidays, I am not expected anywhere.
Originally Posted by Kittyboo
My therapist told me once that she actually is amazed that I never became a drug addict, or a prostitute, or abused alcohol.....
I don't know either.
I guess the addiction I deal with is complete co-dependency on relationships and has been looking for a man to fill a void. Looking at my histiry I understand why, i'm just so ready to change that!
I don't know either.
I guess the addiction I deal with is complete co-dependency on relationships and has been looking for a man to fill a void. Looking at my histiry I understand why, i'm just so ready to change that!
What do you do to fill up your days? Got any hobbies?
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Anvil - 
Captain- I am currently in school about to enter my junior year in college... I have goals I am working towards.
Honestly, this past year was one which was surrounded by my choice to move to give a relationship a chance with an A, who I didn't know was an A until I got here, then dealing with losing him, then dealing with everything in my life I have needed to come to terms with. That has been my painful hobbie this year...and one I needed to take up.
In a month I will be back in my home state, near my closests friends, and getting my social life back. My sister is in med school and we are getting a place together which will be really good for me.
Captain- I am currently in school about to enter my junior year in college... I have goals I am working towards.
Honestly, this past year was one which was surrounded by my choice to move to give a relationship a chance with an A, who I didn't know was an A until I got here, then dealing with losing him, then dealing with everything in my life I have needed to come to terms with. That has been my painful hobbie this year...and one I needed to take up.
In a month I will be back in my home state, near my closests friends, and getting my social life back. My sister is in med school and we are getting a place together which will be really good for me.
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kitty,
i am sorry you've had a tough day. it sounds very, very painful. you can sit with your sadness for awhile, but don't let it define you - i already know that you don't!
sometimes, the very best "family" we can have, is the one we create. you are moving soon - you can make a family when you get there and start establishing new relationships. i have started inviting some outsiders over for thanksgiving and it's a wonderful feelings.
peace,
i am sorry you've had a tough day. it sounds very, very painful. you can sit with your sadness for awhile, but don't let it define you - i already know that you don't!
sometimes, the very best "family" we can have, is the one we create. you are moving soon - you can make a family when you get there and start establishing new relationships. i have started inviting some outsiders over for thanksgiving and it's a wonderful feelings.
peace,
today4me
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
I'm with you 100% on feeling lonely. I've been that way for 4 years!!! Finally, after this relationship ended I've realized I need friends and need a life. I can say it's getting easier, definetely.
Hang in there and listen to others on here. I have......somewhat.... and it is helping.
P.S. I had a wonderful bite to eat with a woman tonight with hopes of just a good talk. Turned out, it was a great talk. Nothing changed on my end, still love my XAGF but am realizing there's more to life than worrying about her. Step 1 accomplished and it was a breeze.
Hang in there and listen to others on here. I have......somewhat.... and it is helping.
P.S. I had a wonderful bite to eat with a woman tonight with hopes of just a good talk. Turned out, it was a great talk. Nothing changed on my end, still love my XAGF but am realizing there's more to life than worrying about her. Step 1 accomplished and it was a breeze.
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