Please read, needing some advice and support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: chicago
Posts: 5
Please read, needing some advice and support
I will make this as short as possible. I have been living with my abf with 7 years. He moved in with me, and I wanted to take care of him. When he moved in he had nothing, no cell phone, electricity, or gas. Well as I look back I see all the mistakes I have made. Not only is he an alcoholic, he has major major anxiety and depression problems. He has no self esteem and has completely tore me down. I do understand that I allowed myself to be torn down as well. I am not blaming him.
So, here we are, him still not working (he's a bricklayer)... and my job gets relocated to denver. I decided not to go but looky looky, i have accumulated 30,000 of debt during these 7 years on credit cards. I have no choice but to go home to my mom (i am 36 years old and it's not easy). He knew this 2 months ago... and has doing nothing about it. He still calls all the time. He tried quitting drinking for 40 days, but is right back at it and says he wants to drink himself to death. I know i am enabling him. I just need to know how to end this, when I really don't want to.. so i am thinking i am the one that actually needs the help.
So, here we are, him still not working (he's a bricklayer)... and my job gets relocated to denver. I decided not to go but looky looky, i have accumulated 30,000 of debt during these 7 years on credit cards. I have no choice but to go home to my mom (i am 36 years old and it's not easy). He knew this 2 months ago... and has doing nothing about it. He still calls all the time. He tried quitting drinking for 40 days, but is right back at it and says he wants to drink himself to death. I know i am enabling him. I just need to know how to end this, when I really don't want to.. so i am thinking i am the one that actually needs the help.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
The only way to end it is just do it. Why would you stay with someone who is costing you so much money? He is using you and if you leave, he'll find someone else to use. If he wants to drink, there is nothing you can do to stop him but you don't have to allow him to drag you down into the gutter with him.
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
"so i am thinking i am the one that actually needs the help."
This was very wise to say. I'm a recovering A. However, he drinks like my mother it sounds like. She had that gallon of Popov by her bed at all times. It's terrible to watch. :-(
This was very wise to say. I'm a recovering A. However, he drinks like my mother it sounds like. She had that gallon of Popov by her bed at all times. It's terrible to watch. :-(
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Who is buying him the vodka?
Who is doing his laundry?
Who is doing his cooking and cleaning?
If you are,.......Stop. He is an adult and can cook, clean, wash and shop.
How about you? Have you started going back to Alanon meetings? Have you read "Codependent No More" yet or done the excercises for each chapter?
Who is doing his laundry?
Who is doing his cooking and cleaning?
If you are,.......Stop. He is an adult and can cook, clean, wash and shop.
How about you? Have you started going back to Alanon meetings? Have you read "Codependent No More" yet or done the excercises for each chapter?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
You sound like you are seeing the issues (hooray!). Can you call and ask for that job in Denver and GO?
Get your support network (friends/family/us) in line to back you as you separate. That way, when you feel weak and want to call him, you can tell us about it!
Many people on this board recommend no contact. Get your stuff, get going, and stop trying to explain, get him to understand, get along with him, get him to agree.
As Lateeda (another poster here said recently), there IS no comfortable choice when leaving someone.
So accept that it is painful AND it is best for you.
Consider consumer credit counseling services. They are free and can help you start to dig your way out of debt.
Hugs, Peace
Get your support network (friends/family/us) in line to back you as you separate. That way, when you feel weak and want to call him, you can tell us about it!
Many people on this board recommend no contact. Get your stuff, get going, and stop trying to explain, get him to understand, get along with him, get him to agree.
As Lateeda (another poster here said recently), there IS no comfortable choice when leaving someone.
So accept that it is painful AND it is best for you.
Consider consumer credit counseling services. They are free and can help you start to dig your way out of debt.
Hugs, Peace
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Hello to you Spuds.
Not being funny really, but I think Denver looks wonderful for you to get away from this selfish brat.
Stay with him much longer and you will end up as french fries, as he drinks himself into the grave, and you into deep poverty.
Yup!! I also would ask who is providing HIS necessities of life, HIS comfortable lifestyle and who is buying the booze????
If him, good....let him move out and do it elsewhere....if YOU are doing it, then STOP doing any more for him. If he wants to eat, wash, have clean clothes, and drink his vodka....let him do it for himself, and you get out of his way.
God bless
Not being funny really, but I think Denver looks wonderful for you to get away from this selfish brat.
Stay with him much longer and you will end up as french fries, as he drinks himself into the grave, and you into deep poverty.
Yup!! I also would ask who is providing HIS necessities of life, HIS comfortable lifestyle and who is buying the booze????
If him, good....let him move out and do it elsewhere....if YOU are doing it, then STOP doing any more for him. If he wants to eat, wash, have clean clothes, and drink his vodka....let him do it for himself, and you get out of his way.
God bless
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Hi spuds welcome to SR
as you can see - we jump right in with both feet sometimes.
You know - we get so caught up in these relationships-
we forget we can just ...
leave.
We think we have all these responsibiilities -
all these moral duties
(hee hee I said 'duty")
(which is not going to be funny unless you watch Family guy)
ok sorry -
we think we have all these cemented ties
when the truth is - we don't.
I hope you'll read the stickies here, and use some of the links to decide
if this is somethi8ng you're going to repeat - something yo've done all your life -
and something you want to change.
again - welcome aboard!!!
as you can see - we jump right in with both feet sometimes.
You know - we get so caught up in these relationships-
we forget we can just ...
leave.
We think we have all these responsibiilities -
all these moral duties
(hee hee I said 'duty")
(which is not going to be funny unless you watch Family guy)
ok sorry -
we think we have all these cemented ties
when the truth is - we don't.
I hope you'll read the stickies here, and use some of the links to decide
if this is somethi8ng you're going to repeat - something yo've done all your life -
and something you want to change.
again - welcome aboard!!!
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