sahmto4

and I am not sure what to make of it.

I asked him to leave yesterday. He did. Then came back to tie up loose ends and of course said some pretty nasty things. The things he said did not hurt me, they angered me, but I laughed it off.

He then left again and pretty soon called me. Told me in the past couple days he has realized he is losing everything. That he knows he can beat the demons. That he wants to hold off on a divorce, but respects my want and need to separate from him. Said he will stay at his brothers, (who is also and alcoholic), and come back every day to work (he works from home). He told me he will not push me, try to "talk" to me, call me, ask me to make him a sandwich, etc.

We both have issues. I told him I need to get well. For me, for the kids. I told him he needs to focus on him. The whole time he was saying, "I will do this. I will prove to myself, you, the kids, that I will do this. I will be the man you've always wanted me to be. Your dreams of the life you've wanted will come true."

He's gone 4 days without alcohol, but he did of course have the NA when he was upset with me. I feel like that's just a reason to hold on to the beer. He's gone a month before. I see nothing different this time. His words are only that. His actions never match up. How do I know he is not lying to me again. It's always been lies.

I sat my 4 children down last night and told them that I asked daddy to leave. I tried to explain best I could that he has a disease and that disease has caused me not to like him anymore. That he needs to seek help. Help himself.

Those 4 kids are as much as an enabler as I am. Dad says jump or get me a beer and they are doing it. I ask AH to do something for me, he then turns around and tells our oldest who is only 9 to do what I have asked of a man. And to please his father, he does it. I can't put my kids through this.

If he happens to beat the demon, as he calls it, that is great. But I feel I can NOT subject myself or the kids to this hell anymore. I wouldn't ask my kids to stand in the middle of a busy street and try not to get run over, so why do I ask them and myself to stay. WHY? I do love AH, however, I am not in love with him. I am not in love with the way life has ended up. I dread seeing him, hearing his voice, suffering. I deserve more. The kids deserve more. I have haven't cried in a long time. I have been angry. Mean. I have had walls up for some time. He can't not make me smile, laugh, cry, hurt. Yet things seem so hard. Why is this?

Off to call my counselor!

JoeVet

sahmto4, I know the anger you talk about. I think it is there to help you disassociate. Once he is gone I hope the anger goes with him. That anger is such a terrible thing that eats us up.

If his job is portable, why doesn't he take it to his new home? This sounds like a way of manipulating you in order to stay in the house. Working at home means working at his new home. Stick to your guns and kick him all the way out.

wanting

You don't have to make any decisions about divorce right now. Just focus on yourself and recovering. Don't worry too much about what he's doing. Time will tell whether he truly gets sober. Are you in Al-Anon? If I were you, I'd really look into it, because it can be so easy to put all our focus on the alcohol and the alcoholic, and the only way to change your life is to focus on YOU.

sahmto4

I am currently not in Al-Anon. I am just seeing a counselor now. I will definitely look into it. I only hear positive things. And all I need right now in life is positivity. I will hold off on the divorce, but I really want and need a separation. I can't take care of him, myself, and 4 kids right now. I feel like I am broken. I need to "fix" myself.

Thumper

I just wanted to lend you some support. I totally understand where you are at because I was in that same spot not to long ago. It is a hard spot to be in. I get the need to seperate and gain some space. I agree with JoeVet - he needs to work somewhere else. IME you will have NO peace if he is in the house. It gets *worse* once you begin to rock the boat.

nodaybut2day

I heartily agree with JoeVet...start by creating a space for yourself, AWAY from him and his madness. Make certain he takes his paperwork and computer/office equipment with him, and then there's no excuse for him showing up unannounced. Perhaps decide what your boundary is with regards to seeing him (as in: I only want to see you on such and such day, between 6 and 9, so you can spend time with your children, aside from that, I don't want any contact)...and then make certain he's aware of this boundary. If he crosses your line, decide what you will do about it.

When you've created a space for yourself and your children, it'll feel weird and empty at first, but I promise that you'll soon start to rediscover your relationship with yourself.

Counselling, Al-Anon, reading some Al-Anon literature, journaling, and maybe some nice martial arts to get out all that anger

I'm glad you had that talk and told your AH what you wanted. It's the first step.

Keep posting!

LaTeeDa

You sound like you are in much the same place I was when I separated from my husband. Counseling is good. Maybe see if you can go more frequently for a little while during this difficult time.

I think it would help very much if you could get some space from him. Coming every day to the house to work is not really separation, is it? Can't he work from elsewhere for a while?

Good for you for being honest with your kids. Let them know they can come to you if they have any questions, or feelings about any of this. (And don't be surprised if they get angry at you, my kids did. It's not personal, it's just that they have anger built up, just like you do, and need a safe person to let it out to.) Also, my therapist told me to make sure and tell them that NONE OF THIS IS THEIR FAULT. They need to hear that over and over. Kids automatically take on responsibility for things in their world.

I know what you mean about feeling broken. I hope you can get the space and time to heal. It does get better, really.

L

RollTide

samtoh4,
I was married for over six years and my xah was a binge drinker. Life was good before I married him. Life was good when he was sober. But I always knew that another binge was coming so after a while life wasn't so good even when he was sober. I asked him to leave last fall and he said the things that your husband are saying and I agreed to separate. That didn't last a week. He kept coming back to my house drunker than ever and driving to get here. The last time I put him to bed, called the lawyer and went the next morning and filed for divorce. I told my husband that if he ever came back here again I would call the police and then seek a restraining order. I had FINALLY had enough. Looking back I don't know why I put up with so much for so long. I do still love him and do things with him occasionally. Last week we were supposed to do something together and he wasn't able to go because he was on a binge. Thank goodness I was away from it and it didn't derail my life as it always had in the past. I cannot tell you the peace and contentment that I now feel. I am no longer waiting for something bad to happen (as it always did). His choices are his alone. I love him and pray for him but for my on sanity I cannot be a part of his insanity.

I wish you the best. This board helped me through some of the darkest hours. I lurked for a long time before I ever posted. I started AlAnon nearly a year ago and found a local group where I feel at home. It's one of the best things that I could have done for myself.

Learn2Live

I totally get this sahmto4: You have every RIGHT on Earth to get distance from him so that you can take care of YOU.

sahmto4

My oldest daughter, almost 5, told AH today that I had talked to her and the other kids about why I asked him to leave. He is here right now working. So he is now upset with me that I didn't wait to talk to them when he was around. My youngest son asked where his father was, I sat them all down and told them I asked him to leave. I tried explaining alcoholism to them easiest as possible. He is upset with me. Said as their dad, he should be the one to talk to them. I told him I was not going to lie, hide, or wait for his timing anymore. AH says to me, "Can't you see why this bothers me?" No, I can't. You've had years to tell them why you do the things you do. They know that the beer you consume changes you, they do not know that you are not well. I took control. I answered questions I would hope they never had to ask. I did it! I do not feel bad that he wasn't here. He can talk to them on his own time.

nodaybut2day

This is JMO, but I feel that there is no "perfect" way to tell a child about divorce and alcoholism. There is going to be anger, confusion, sadness, fear, no matter what we do as parents to try to soften the blow. I'm glad you talked with your children, and I encourage you to keep that dialogue open, so that they feel they can come to you with questions or reflections. And yes, your AH is going to be mad about what you did because he wasn't there to placate, minimize or blame-shift.

coffeedrinker

sahm,

you will get a ton of support here.
mine: i, too, loved but was no longer in love, with my xah. too much water under the bridge, too much resentment, too much a lot of stuff. we had a really pretty amicable divorce, have never fought once since that time (4 years) and see each other every so often. but i gotta tell you, if he comes into the house, i bristle. i just wait for the moment when he has left. he always asks, and always has a reason, is respectful, so that's not it. i just DONT WANT HIM AROUND ME.

work: i too think that he NEEDS to do his work at whatever his new home is, or rent office space. it sounds as though there aren't money problems. it is a power play, as i see it, which he may not even be aware of (that he's doing it).

children: along with telling them in whatever words you choose, that this is not their fault, please also let them know that they, and you, will be alright. let them know how this will affect THEM. children (the younger the more so) are egocentric by nature; they need to know what will change - for them - and what will stay the same. that you will never leave them (if that is true, and i feel it is - but we cannot lie to them). their feelings of security and wellbeing are paramount. i would not give them details that are between you and their dad; keep it to their stuff.

his sobriety: of course, you do not know if he will really get, or stay, sober. it sounds as though that no longer matters. but you do not need to go there now. take this a step at a time. it sounds like you are.

naive

sahmto4-

good for you. like you said, he had years to explain to them.

any reason why he has to work from the home? can he take his business elsewhere so you can have some space?

naive

Pelican

Your AH can still have his own talk with the children. He can talk to them and tell them his side.

However, I believe he won't follow through with a family meeting. He was quacking. Quacking at you to make you feel guilt. Projecting his own guilt for not talking with his children.

You are the parent the children will go to for honest answers. Good on you for taking the time to speack with them about the changes you are making!

NoelleR

"...He is upset with me. Said as their dad, he should be the one to talk to them. I told him I was not going to lie, hide, or wait for his timing anymore. AH says to me, "Can't you see why this bothers me?" No, I can't. You've had years to tell them why you do the things you do. They know that the beer you consume changes you, they do not know that you are not well. I took control. I answered questions I would hope they never had to ask..."

When I read that you had a talk with your children, my first thought was, "Goodonya, sistah sahmto4," and that the reason for your talk with them because your youngest son asked where he was....? How sad is that; kids, huh, they don't miss a thing.....

....but when I read about his angry response.....well, how typical....! He wasn't in control (in the driver's seat, so to speak) any more.....poor, pitiful him...............HAH....!

You just keep up the good work, grrl; you keep working on you, so you can be there, as the 'adult'/'parent', for those kids.......and to be the best sahmto4 you can be...................


(o:
NoelleR