iwantcontrol

I've written out what I want to say to my ABF at the weekend, to finally get out what i've been trying to say for weeks. I'm tempted to just print it out and let him read it. What do you think?

I love you but I no longer want to be in a relationship with an active alcoholic.

I love the sober person you are at the weekend and how you were at the start of the day program you attended.

I find the strain of the weekdays very difficult to bear – when I don’t know whether you are drinking, where you are or who you’re with.

It is the constant lies that I am most fed up with – I never know whether to believe you or not. That leads me to question other things that you have said and puts doubts in my mind, leading to paranoia.

No matter how many times we have the same conversation about how your drinking is out of hand and you say you will do whatever it takes to get it sorted, nothing much changes. The way you drink that week might alter, but you still do it.

I am incredibly worried for your health – you are ill a lot and most of it is probably related to the drinking. If you carry on as you are it is probably only a matter of time before you have something seriously wrong with you.

I am in love with you but more correctly I am in love with who you are when you aren’t drinking, and in who you could potentially be all the time. That isn’t fair on either of us. Love means I need to accept you for who you are right now and while you are drinking I cannot do that. If this potential you never happens, we will have wasted both our lives.

The sober you is a lovely person – he is polite and helpful to people he knows and strangers, he is thoughtful and calls to see how I am, he likes to do things that make me happy, he keeps his house and himself clean and tidy, he is focused on getting back to work and makes important appointments, he is honest with me and keeps me informed about important things going on in his life, he is kind and cares about me.

The drunk you is a horrible person – he is arrogant, rude, doesn’t care how I feel, says nasty things to me, tells me he doesn’t want me anywhere near him, shouts at me and hangs up the phone on me, is completely obsessed with himself, makes stupid decisions about who to spend time with, gives his phone number out to dodgy people and women, gets involved with these dodgy peoples lives, doesn’t look after himself, lives in a horrible dirty mess, drinks in the morning, cancels important appointments, lies to me and others, is unreliable, manipulates situations to what he wants, and cares about no one but himself.

I am ready to make a bigger commitment to you but I can’t until you have this under control. It is time that you really made the decision – do you want me and sobriety or do you want to continue drinking, alone? It is your choice and I need you to make it soon. I can’t hold on like this anymore. I want to live together, marry you and have your children. If you want that too this is the time to do something about it.

I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who does hardly anything all week, gets drunk most days and spends time with people who really should be on Jeremy Kyle (an English version of Jerry Springer). I want to get the chance to show off the real you to my friends and family. I want us to be able to make arrangements together, and with other people, that I know will be stuck to. I don’t want to worry about which version of you is going to turn up to something, or whether he is going to show up at all. I think you want that too. Well unfortunately I can’t make it happen. Only you can.

This means putting all your energy into making recovery happen. If you want to go into residential rehab, that means getting the forms and appointments sorted out straight away, not keeping the forms for weeks before sending them off. It might mean going to meetings, or not cancelling your counselling appointments or asking the doctor for more help. Whatever it takes to get yourself off alcohol. No more half-hearted attempts.

The bottom line is: I no longer want to be in a relationship with an active alcoholic.

Any opinions welcomed! Not sure if I will say all of this but its what i want to say.

Summerpeach

I want: you're going to not like what I say, but this letter, though expressing your thoughts, it's very manipulative.
You are giving him an ultimatium which won't work

You can send him a letter saying "I love you very much and would do anything to help you, but I can no longer accept the pain your drinking brings to me and I have to end this"

You're always trying to control him and when I first started recovery, I did the same thing. It won't work

Sorry this is not what you wanted to hear

Summerpeach

Here are the do's and don't from Al Anon. They will help you

Here are the do's and don'ts from Alcoholism the
Family Disease pamphlet:

Do forgive
Do be honest with yourself
Do be humble
Do take it easy; tension is harmful.
Do play--find recreation and hobbies.
Do keep on doing your best, even when you fail.
Do learn the facts about alcoholism.
Do attend Alanon meetings often.
Do pray

Don't be self-righteous
Don't dominate, nag, scold or complain
Don't lose your temper
Don't try to push anyone but yourself
Don't keep bringing up the past
Don't keep checking up on the alcoholic
Don't wallow in self-pity
Don't make threats you don't intend to carry out
Don't be overprotective
Don't be a doormat.

And, another one to remember:
Don't be too hard on yourself!
All this is taken from " Alcoholism the Family Disease"
Use them they work!

coffeedrinker

i agree with summerpeach.

but i also think it's ok to send that letter. i would not try to say all that to him, he'll stop listening after the first sentence.

if you feel you need to say all that, then go ahead. but the bottom line is he knows that you love the "good" him. writing all the detail out is redundant.

remember, if you send the letter, it is for YOU, not to try and force him to choose sobriety.

barb dwyer

Do yourself a favor and only write this part.
An alcoholic in their disease
doesn't have the concentration capacity
necessary to read all you've written here.

In all my years bartending I learned one thing thoroughly -

put it on a bumper sticker.

Bartenders talk loud and slow
Say short sentences
and use small words.

An alcoholic can't handle anything more than a few words.

Keep this version for yourself.
Because the person you're really talking to
in this letter ....
is yourself, hon.
It's so very hard to put that
last teen thread of hope
that they're going to suddenly transform
into the person we imagined they could be...
to once and for all put that hope down and walk away.

But I think ... that's where you're really standing.

I'm proud of you doing all the work and growth needed
to get here.
Congratulate yourself
however sad the immediate seems to be
it is STILL ... quite an accomplishment.

And maybe it's good for me to tell you
that you' re that much closer
to never having to go through anything like this again.

What *I* see in this letter
is a woman giving herself permission
to become better.
To ask for more from life
than disappointment and deceit
masquerading as love

and a woman who is ready
to give herself permission to be happy on her own.

That's huge.

Hammerhead

Barb is right...


That IS the bottom line... nothing else matters.

This fits nicely on a bumper sticker...

Remember the 3 C's

You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CONTROL it
You can't CURE it

...and sure as heck... we can't love, talk or write it out of them.

Take care.

((hugs))

suki44883

The letter is good, but only for the fact that you are actually putting your feelings down on paper. I see that as progress. However, he isn't going to read all that. He already knows all those things and still prefers to drink. You are hoping he will change after reading the letter and that, in all likelihood, won't happen. You keep giving him chances and nothing changes. Sending that letter is just giving him another chance and the opportunity to twist your words and manipulate you. You are still trying to control him. If you are truly done, then be done.

iwantcontrol

thanks, mixed views then. I will shorten it a bit and take out the ramblings. I do want to say all that but you're right that he'll probably stop listening after the first few sentences. He doesn't want to hear any of it after all.
I appreciate your opinions - it is more for me getting all that out of my head, but I do want to tell him the important bits too, then the ball is in his court. It's not trying to be manipulative - i do want him to choose drinking or me though. If it comes across as manipulative I may have to change it.

coffeedrinker

but he has already chosen drinking. what about his choice are you not understanding?

Mambo Queen

My experience tells me that your ABF probably will SAY he chooses YOU after reading that letter (probably--sometimes they can be brutally honest too) but then shortly afterwards, his actions will not change to reflect that. And you will have then probably felt so happy that he "chose you" that you will continue to ignore his bad actions for a few more weeks, months, etc....when you get up the nerve to write another letter like this. And this cycle will continue round and round for as long as you let it. That's what happened to me, anyway. I was always sucked back in as soon as his words said, "This is it, I want to be sober, I can't lose you, please don't divorce me..." but his actions never matched up.

Summerpeach

I cannot tell you how many long letters I wrote my RABF like this. And Barb said something in the post above that was a total revelation for me "An alcoholic can't handle anything more than a few words"

A aha moment for me right there. I used to think my words would help him understand but all they did was give him ammo to twist my words and thoughts and he would actually turn it around on me.



Short and to the point sentences do work best. But it took me MANY letter like IWant's to realize this

Summerpeach

Here is a quote that someone sent me and it's helped me put things into persepctive

"With humility comes the willingness to stop trying to control or change other people or life situations or events ostensibly 'for their own good'. To be a committed spiritual seeker, it is necessary to relinquish the desire to be 'right' or of imaginary value to society. In fact, nobody's ego or belief systems are of any value to society at all. The world is neither good nor bad nor defective, nor is it in need of help or modification because its appearance is only a projection of one's own mind. No such world exists"

nodaybut2day

I also wrote many such letters which were thrown back in my face as attempts at blackmailing and manipulation. Eventually I stopped trying to convince AH that I was right and he was wrong. To this day, he still believes I'm wrong about him.

suki44883

When you are done, you are done. Done trying to convince them to stop drinking. Done trying to make them choose. Done letting what they do affect you. Done trying to have the last word. When you are done, you are done.

stella27

Done letting his choices determine my quality of life.

littlefish

I was going to say exactly what Barb suggests: just use that one line.

Why? For all the reasons already given.
That one line says it all.
Trying to develop the theme that there is one nice person and one bad person is really straying from the point: he is the same person, all the time, he is an alcoholic, all the time, even when he is not drinking.

Even when he is sober and supposedly nice, he still has the monkey on his back.

Sadly, if he is young and oh, stubborn, he may drink for many more years.
Ultimatums might work for a little while, but, he has to want to quit for himself.

iwantcontrol

all great points, thanks. It probably doesn't matter to the end result whether i tell him all this stuff or not, but I feel i need to. Like I said, even if it changes nothing, i feel the need to get it out. i'm tempted to use that one line though, about not wanting to be with an active A. It does say it all. If he wants to talk about things then I can always expand on it, and i've worked out my own feelings now so I know what i could say.

mamboqueen - that does sound a likely outcome. I have to protect myself against that happening - against me allowing it to happen and him to treat me that way.

Thumper

I like this line: The rest of the letter is filled with manipulation tactics and gives him about a thousand ways to keep this dance going with is words. It is near impossible to out manipulate an alcoholic try as we might

Like others said I think it is good to write those things out because it gives clarity and it is nice to get feedback on things. I don't think anything you wrote is wrong and are things many of us have felt/thought before. It is all heart felt and honest and reasonable.

If you want to give an ultimatum (which is sounds like you do - and that is OK) I would suggest something a little more concrete.

For instance. "The bottom line is: I no longer want to be in a relationship with an active alcoholic. Look me up after you have 6 sober months of active recovery." Then take a break from one another and see what happens.

LaTeeDa

As was said above, I think it's a really good thing to write all this down. Getting things out of my head and down on paper always helps me think more clearly.

That said, I would encourage you to hang on to that letter for a while. Maybe a week or two. And during that time, try to get really, really honest with yourself about your motivations. What do you intend this letter to accomplish? Is there an outcome you are expecting or hoping for? What if you don't get the results you seek? Are you setting yourself up for more pain? Are you giving him ammo to use against you in the future?

I was locked in a power struggle with my husband for years. I always thought if I could just "win" then it would all be fine. He would see the error of his ways, comply with my wishes, and we would all live happily ever after. Does that sound familiar in any way to you?

There is no "winning," with alcoholism. He will not be done drinking until he is done drinking. Regardless of you, or your dreams, or your love for him, or any of it. I once asked my husband of 18 years, father of my two children to choose between me and beer. He chose beer. Are you prepared for that outcome?

L

iwantcontrol

lateeda - i think holding on to the letter for a week might be a good idea and would give me some space to get my head straight i guess. what you wrote does sound familiar, and i'm not sure if i'm prepared for him to choose drink but surely that would be better than being trapped in this limbo.

If he chooses me but his actions dont follow, then I will have to gain the strength to leave the relationship. I desperatley dont want it to be over but i desperately dont want it to remain how it is either. Sometimes when he has claimed this time he will really give up it has lasted mere days and he has done nothing to help himself. He is still hanging onto those rehab referral forms but is getting them signed by his dr on Friday apparently. Then he will send them off. If he really is serious about rehab then that is a good sign. ANy more of his excuses and i think i'll recognise them as excuses this time.

I haven't spoken about me much here but I am still reading threads on here, reading codep no more again, trying harder at work to focus on what needs doing, doing lots of exercise and hobbies etc. I haven't seen many other people except my family but a lot of my time is filled up. I dont just lounge around if he is with me and feeling unwell any more, i get on with what i need to. That is better. But its still not enough.