sahmto4

So again, we fight. He's mad. I'm mad. I tell him I am done. He of course threatens me with closing the checking account. I am a SAHM, AH is the breadwinner, which makes him KING of everything. I am so upset. Stomach is in knots. Ugh- I wish he would just leave.

Pelican

Welcome to the family!

I recommend talking with a lawyer. You can visit most lawyers for a free counseling session. Get some idea of what your legal rights are.

As a sahm with 4 children, he will have to give you financial support. How much is based on a scale set up by the courts of your state.

Summerpeach

do you have any support?

I know this dance by the way

Pelican

Then tell him. Say what you mean and mean what you say, but don't say it mean.

Earlier today he texted you that he was going to his brother's or to start staying in his office. Instead of accepting his decision, you challenged him with questions of why. Why ask questions you know the answers to?

Try being honest with yourself and then be honest with him.

If you want some time and space to yourself, let him know that you need some time and space to yourself. Ask him to make other arrangements for a few days and then you can discuss your options after those days.

I did this with my AH. I left first. Then we talked later and I asked him to make other living arrangements so that the children and I could stay in the home with our critters. By letting him know what I needed, he was able to make arrangements.

sahmto4

I did not mean to challenge him. I knew he wanted me to come talk to him. I couldn't. I had a baby and 3 toddlers I was watching. I can't just "talk" whenever he feels it is convenient for him. I know he was trying to get a rise out of me. Yesterday we talked for about 6 hours. Not once did I feel he was sincere. Like many other times.

I have started filling out papers for assistance. I make $240 a month watching kids part-time. I will contact an attorney tomorrow. He will say it's not true, but he loves the fact that I am a stay at home parent with no money. He knows I will have many hard times coming. I will keep our heads above water- NO MATTER WHAT. We won't be spending a dime on alcohol, so that will help. I won't have him taking the debit card out of my purse, making $300 drunk bets and losing while I am asleep. That will help.
My oldest knows what is going on and he is happy about it. I knew he would be if he is anything like me at his age. It's like a ton of bricks lifted.
But now the hard part, as he is packing up, he is slamming things, throwing things, and making snide comments.
I will be OK. My kids will be more than OK. We will make it through this.

Pelican

Can you and the children leave for a little while?

They don't need a front row seat to his drama.

Freedom1990

Times were really tough for awhile when I left my EXAH, and I had an eight year old daughter (not his) at the time.

I was making minimum wage as a CNA when I relocated.

I took advantage of any help there was out there.

I received food stamps, a medical card for my daughter, and SRS helped pay my childcare expenses.

I wouldn't trade those times for living with an active alcoholic.

The journey has been worth it!

Hadassah

I, too, am a sahm of 3. Have been at home for 12 years. It's scary, I know to contemplate life on your own. My AH left us about a month ago to go live with his parents. Best day of my recent life!
I am still unemployed, but have put together a resume', am taking an on-line course so that I can get a good job soon. In the meantime, I will be looking for something to help pay the bills.
You need a plan... we both need to see a lawyer, how about we do it together? Say, by Monday we will both have contacted a lawyer and either gone to see him/her, or have an appointment. Just like you I have been urged to do take this step and I just need a push.
I know what your going through, all the blame, everything wrong in his life is my fault, even though he mentally, and emotionally left this marriage a long time ago. He did agree to go to counseling, I have no idea why. He spends all his time complaining about me to anyone who will listen. I am done.Words don't fit the behavior.
Make a plan and start implementing it so that you are not still in this situation in a year or two. I wish now that I had actually done some of the things that I thought about doing last year. Like putting some money away. Oh, well . I am doing something now. Hope you will too. God Bless, H

sahmto4

I will be calling one in the morning. I need to take care of the kids. He has already said he will make sure that none of it is spent on me. Not sure how he plans on that. But whatever. He said it is time for me to have responsibilities. I'm sorry. I've taken care of EVERY thing for 8 years since I became a SAHM. I have worked while he drank day and night and couldn't hold a job, I take care of the house, the yard, the kids, the car, everything. He is what I read here: A lazy Alcoholic. He never cared for the kids when they were babies b/c he didn't do babies. Ugh.
I also have the papers for housing, food stamps, and wic. I just need to finish filling them out and get them back. Which I will also do tomorrow.
So much anger. I'm sorry, I am rambling.

coffeedrinker

you sound resolute. you sound like you are resourceful. i have faith in you!

it sounds as though alot of what this man says is b.s. the expecting you to be the one to fix the problem (it is shared, by the way) and this thing about no money will be spent on you -- recognize it for what it is -- him trying to coerce, manipulate, bully you.

he does not wish to quit drinking. it scares the crap out of him. he loves it above all else right now - that's the nature of the disease. if he didn't, he would not prioritize it over his family.

maybe stop engaging with him for awhile; that should help stop some of the chaos and him slamming around like an angry grizzly. you don't HAVE to go and "talk" to him, you don't have to.

hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

sahmto4

>>>this is just a vent<<<
He came back to print something off for work. Why he didn't do it in the morning when he's working....beyond me. Asked me to help install a printer on his computer...I didn't. How hard can it be to insert disc and read directions.
I tried really hard not to talk to him. Of course he tried fighting with me and getting under my skin. As he walked out he asked how I was going to take care of kids. And told me that I have been nothing but a welfare mom for the past 10 years. I know that was said to **** me off. We've been married for almost 10 years. I worked through the first 2. I want to scream. I didn't. I want to cry, but I can't. Instead I chuckled as he walked out the door. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

kittykitty

Good for you for not reacting to his lashes... I'm proud of you.

Consider the source: Don't you believe anything he says to you!

So easy for me to tell someone else this.... argh

barb dwyer

This is getting a rise out of me because -

he obviously knows that he is wrong - or he wouldn't be coming home in the middle of the day to check on you.

but he's rubbing it in that you're his hostage.

he's systematically taken all the avenues for you to escape
(he thinks) and now he's just rubbing salt in it.


that really ticks me off.

naive

hi sahm of 4-

with my alcoholic, it became obvious to me that he wanted to create a situation where i had no exit. that's part of the control bit.

but we always have options. i managed to move out with 5 dollars to my name. i had to ask for help from friends, family, social programs and that is what i did.

you can do it too.

try to not engage with him and his baiting to upset you. you have other more important things to do! and certainly, he can set up the printer himself or go to the library to print what he needs. you have your hands full with 4 children.

you can do this. make your plan and execute it one step at a time.

oh, i also want to add that leaving is a dangerous time and it might be best to keep your plans to yourself. mine became violent when i left, so keep yourself safe.

naive

Hopeless417

I don't have advice for you. I just want you to know that I could have written this. Hang in there.

coffeedrinker

CAN he close the checking account? Do you have your appointment? How can you protect YOUR assests, because that money is just as surely yours as his.

Also, my attorney told me that (in my state anyway) I would not be displaced. If I wanted to stay in our house, with the kids, I would be permitted to. There are protections for people in your situation, they were created for spouses who don't wish to be fair when splitting up.

suki44883

How are you going to take care of the kids?? Really?? Aren't they his kids, too? Is it worth it to him for them to suffer just because he has a stick up his a$$???