Small update
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 139
Small update
So, my EXABF has been doing VERY well in his recovery.
Gone to see a therapist, continued to not drink, really becoming aware of who he was in the past and how he treated me and doesn't want to be that person anymore.
He and I had been starting to reconnect as friends. Having good conversations, not working toward a reconcilliation, just nice conversations as friends.
Last weekend I went to his place to pick up our son from his weekend with his Dad. After being there a short time I changed his diaper, and went to throw out a tissue in the garbage. EXABF knew where I was headed and called out my name, but he was too late. I had already opened the cupboard door and saw a beer can in the trash. I had promptly closed it, when he came, almost running out of the room. I made no mention of it that day. His life, his choice.
The next day I mentioned it. I told him that I saw the can, and that if he ever feels the need to drink, he can come to me and we can talk about it first if he didn't really WANT to drink but felt the NEED.
He thanked me, said he knew I saw it, and told me what had happened.
As I sit here now thinking about it, it's not making sense. Seriously, now that I'm thinking about it....
As you might remember he went to Florida for his Father's funeral. His Step-mother gave him his father's golf clubs. He brought the golf clubs home with him.
He told me that he played golf recently, and that another player noticed his bag was "leaking", it was then that he realized there were 3 beer cans in the bag. He said he took the leaking one out. Put one in his fridge and one in his cupboard. He later took the one from the fridge out, opened it, sniffed it, sipped it, said it tasted like crap and poured it out.
I chose to try and build trust, and not question it, and go along with it. After all, his life, right? But.....how'd he manage to get home from Florida on an airplane with 3 beer cans in a golf bag??? Is this possible? I'm not that familiar with luggage rules and regulations.
ANyway. Fast forward to last night. I needed him to watch out son, and he ended up watching my youngest daughter too. Very kind of him to do so, and I appreciated it very much!
Upon my arrival to his place to pick up the kids....I got a bit closer to him, gave him a little hug and looked up. He was looking away from me....it instantly gave me the impression that he was trying not to breathe on me. I had NO intention of going over there to smell him for booze, none whatsoever, because I was trying to build back that trust that was gone!
But before the hug broke he laughed and I smelled beer. I was STUNNED!
Again, didn't say anything.
Today, I'm having a HORRIBLE day and emailed him. In a weak moment I said "by the way, I smelled beer on you last night, what's up with that!?"
He said that he bought non-alcoholic beer. He said that this is a method he's trying, to get him through. As I think about it now, I guess it's like a smoker using those fake ciggarettes, or something like that.
But really? non-alcoholic beer?
I dunno...I do feel as though I've taken a giant leap back behind that wall I had built up.
I want so badly to believe him and trust him.....but I don't know if I can! These stories seem a little off the wall!
I know I shouldn't even be questioning him......I just don't want to be the one who trusts an untrustworthy person again!
I want to build trust, but....these stories! Do they seem legit to you?
3 random beers in a golf bag on the plane? Drinking non-alcoholic beer?
What?
Gone to see a therapist, continued to not drink, really becoming aware of who he was in the past and how he treated me and doesn't want to be that person anymore.
He and I had been starting to reconnect as friends. Having good conversations, not working toward a reconcilliation, just nice conversations as friends.
Last weekend I went to his place to pick up our son from his weekend with his Dad. After being there a short time I changed his diaper, and went to throw out a tissue in the garbage. EXABF knew where I was headed and called out my name, but he was too late. I had already opened the cupboard door and saw a beer can in the trash. I had promptly closed it, when he came, almost running out of the room. I made no mention of it that day. His life, his choice.
The next day I mentioned it. I told him that I saw the can, and that if he ever feels the need to drink, he can come to me and we can talk about it first if he didn't really WANT to drink but felt the NEED.
He thanked me, said he knew I saw it, and told me what had happened.
As I sit here now thinking about it, it's not making sense. Seriously, now that I'm thinking about it....
As you might remember he went to Florida for his Father's funeral. His Step-mother gave him his father's golf clubs. He brought the golf clubs home with him.
He told me that he played golf recently, and that another player noticed his bag was "leaking", it was then that he realized there were 3 beer cans in the bag. He said he took the leaking one out. Put one in his fridge and one in his cupboard. He later took the one from the fridge out, opened it, sniffed it, sipped it, said it tasted like crap and poured it out.
I chose to try and build trust, and not question it, and go along with it. After all, his life, right? But.....how'd he manage to get home from Florida on an airplane with 3 beer cans in a golf bag??? Is this possible? I'm not that familiar with luggage rules and regulations.
ANyway. Fast forward to last night. I needed him to watch out son, and he ended up watching my youngest daughter too. Very kind of him to do so, and I appreciated it very much!
Upon my arrival to his place to pick up the kids....I got a bit closer to him, gave him a little hug and looked up. He was looking away from me....it instantly gave me the impression that he was trying not to breathe on me. I had NO intention of going over there to smell him for booze, none whatsoever, because I was trying to build back that trust that was gone!
But before the hug broke he laughed and I smelled beer. I was STUNNED!
Again, didn't say anything.
Today, I'm having a HORRIBLE day and emailed him. In a weak moment I said "by the way, I smelled beer on you last night, what's up with that!?"
He said that he bought non-alcoholic beer. He said that this is a method he's trying, to get him through. As I think about it now, I guess it's like a smoker using those fake ciggarettes, or something like that.
But really? non-alcoholic beer?
I dunno...I do feel as though I've taken a giant leap back behind that wall I had built up.
I want so badly to believe him and trust him.....but I don't know if I can! These stories seem a little off the wall!
I know I shouldn't even be questioning him......I just don't want to be the one who trusts an untrustworthy person again!
I want to build trust, but....these stories! Do they seem legit to you?
3 random beers in a golf bag on the plane? Drinking non-alcoholic beer?
What?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
Elsie, please go back and read some of your old posts. You say he is doing well in his recovery, but it sounds to me like he is still drinking....maybe not to the extent he was, but he appears to still be drinking. I just hate to see you have expectations of him and be disappointed again. I'm just afraid that he is fooling you, or trying to. That's not to say he doesn't WANT to be sober, I just wonder if he wants it badly enough.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
just from my own experience -
100% of the people who drank 'near beer' as a substitute.... went back to drinking within 6 mos.
100%.
I watched. I made note of it.
This from bartending almost ten years.
So it wasn't just one or two people...
over the years - rough estimate:
I'd say it's closer to one HUNDRED people alltogether.
'Near beer' DOES contain alcohol. Just like those 'flower remedies' and things called 'tinctures'. just in case anyone here is into herbal stuff.
You have to look long and hard to find NON alcohol remedies.
100% of the people who drank 'near beer' as a substitute.... went back to drinking within 6 mos.
100%.
I watched. I made note of it.
This from bartending almost ten years.
So it wasn't just one or two people...
over the years - rough estimate:
I'd say it's closer to one HUNDRED people alltogether.
'Near beer' DOES contain alcohol. Just like those 'flower remedies' and things called 'tinctures'. just in case anyone here is into herbal stuff.
You have to look long and hard to find NON alcohol remedies.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
oh i know what it feels like to be blindsided. it opens up a world of hurt - sends us back to where we were when we felt out of control.
what you said about trying to rebuild trust:
reminded me of trying to build a house on sand, not the firm foundation of rock.
you are also doing what i have done many times: asking him to use you as his go-to person, his sponsor, his higher power. that is not your role. if he wanted to come to you when he felt like drinking, he would have. that's what his brothers in the program are for.
he still believes he can do sobriety his way. he is wrong. he is fooling himself; don't let him fool you as well.
what you said about trying to rebuild trust:
reminded me of trying to build a house on sand, not the firm foundation of rock.
you are also doing what i have done many times: asking him to use you as his go-to person, his sponsor, his higher power. that is not your role. if he wanted to come to you when he felt like drinking, he would have. that's what his brothers in the program are for.
he still believes he can do sobriety his way. he is wrong. he is fooling himself; don't let him fool you as well.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
sounds to me like he's drinking again.
one thing i've noticed is that lies are very complicated while the truth is simple.
that story about golfbag is quite complicated.
so, you are a recovering alcoholic and you find two unopened beers in your bag. do you :
A. throw them away
B. put them in your fridge
C. open one and try it
hmmm.
naive
one thing i've noticed is that lies are very complicated while the truth is simple.
that story about golfbag is quite complicated.
so, you are a recovering alcoholic and you find two unopened beers in your bag. do you :
A. throw them away
B. put them in your fridge
C. open one and try it
hmmm.
naive
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 129
That sucks Elsie, I think many of us have been in the postion of having the rug pulled out from us like that. Your hope gets built up as they work the steps and make progress, then bam.
Hang in there and we are all praying for you.
Hang in there and we are all praying for you.
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