tpen

I didn't buy a ticket to get on this train of hurt, anger and confusion. I'm mad that XAGF did not inform me of her problem early in our relationship. Now, I'm in love and addicted to her. I've attended Al Anon - but am growing more envious hearing others speak about their partner at home. I haven't talked to mine in over 30 days! I have prayed this last week and felt HP was at work and felt good however it worked out. Then I checked her myspace status yesterday only to find out she's just been back from paradise. I was feeling like my prayers were working and HP was at work, but guess not. So, I'm back where I started 10 days ago. I'm happy I haven't tried to phone, email or txt her, or even any of her friends. Very proud of that!

What I'm confused with now is why pray, why go to al anon meeting, why not just go date. After all, it was love maybe that wasn't there for her, not alchohol as the problem. I feel like this alchoholism vortex caught me and won't let go. Why do I have to be here, go to meetings, etc. I'd categorize this question as "Am I getting anywhere?".

I do believe in "Count it all joys the trials you face". Just don't like praying, believing, then feeling like it was worth nothing. I have never prayed for her to come back to me yet. My prayers have been for her to find HP.

I also feel like alot of you are getting frustrated with me too?

suki44883

If you keep checking out her business, you are going to continue to be disappointed. It is none of your business what she does, where she goes and who she chooses to do things with. You keep yourself torn up because you refuse to let go. I don't mean to sound so harsh, but you already know these things yet continue to set yourself up for disappointment. She is not doing this to you. You are.

Freedom1990

How do you know HP wasn't at work?

I'm really careful with my prayers. "Thy will be done, not mine."

Some of the things that happened to me before recovery were hideous, absolute nightmares. I thought they were the worst things possible.

Now, in retrospect, they were blessings in disguise. HP was indeed at work.

As for meetings, when I sit there listening for differences (ie., they have a partner, and I don't), I get nothing out of the meetings.

You made the conscious choice to look at her myspace page, no?

It takes time, and a lot of work, to heal from the effects of someone else's alcoholism.

It also takes patience and persistence.

Learn2Live

Life is voluntary tpen, no one MAKES you do anything. I think you have an external locus of control. THAT is why you go to Al-Anon, THAT is why you don't just jump right into a new relationship, THAT is why you look at yourSELF.

Yes, you did. And every day you wake up and decide whether or not you are going to buy another ticket and get back on that train.

Are you looking for some specific end result? Are you looking for immediate gratification? There is no pot at the end of the rainbow, you know that right?

celticghirl

That is very true suki. Tpen i am doing exactly the same thing,this past week my ex has been on facebook and his status was always referring to sex and women, this didnt bother me because i thought he is just pathetic and drunk,my problem is i could keep tabs on him this way even if what he was saying could be quite hurtfull,he has now not been on facebook since sunday and im now obsessing about what he could possibly be doing and again searching facebook to see if he has been on (NOT GOOD) - i know i will carry on doing it now because i want to,and untill i dont,then i will carry on feeling the way i do and so will you, go with your feelings and if you wanna check then you will anyway,but there will hopefully come a time when we wont,untill then im just gonna accept feeling the way i do untill i can find my own way out of it. I totally feel for you xx

tpen

I'm lost.........her HP has her back?

I knew I would get blasted from others on here about my feelings and beliefs. I accept my mistake of checking on her online status. I touched the hot stove. I still appreciate the support on here, it helps.

FindingPeace1

Aww! Give yourself a big hug! Give yourself some space. You are an addict (with her as your addiction) and judging yourself for it. The self judging doesn't help you.

You can go date. You can do whatever you want to. But you know that all your SPINNING and OBSESSING and JONESING is dysfunction that won't magically go away with a new woman.

You can change. You can grow. You can ease up.

But it takes work. And self-acceptance. And patience. And willingness.

Alanon isn't about her. It's about you finding peace with you. That takes work and humility and courage (that you HAVE!)

Keep at it. Have you read Codependent No More? That book helps me tremendously.

Maybe you could find a sponsor to support you through this. They could help guide you through the steps, too.

I'm not a 12 step nut or anything, but they seem to apply right now:

Do you believe you are powerless over this addiction to her and that your life is unmanageable?
I know you say you pray...do you believe a power greater than yourself can bring you to sanity?
Are you willing to turn this over to that higher power?

To find peace, I believe you have to (at some point) let go and fall into that higher power's arms.

Can you feel yourself clinging so tightly that your hands are white? So, so tightly.
You are clinging so tightly that every muscle is tight.

You can relax. You can let go. You can trust the universe. You are safe.

Take all that energy and start looking inward.
Why am I clinging so?
Why am I scared?
Who am I without her/someone in my life?
What do I want?
What do I need?
Why do I resist accepting myself as is?
Why do I resist accepting she is as she is?
Why do I resisit accepting life is as it is right now?

Keep coming here. We're here for you.

Hugs, Peace

IamSaved

tpen,

No one is 'blasting' you. You posted, you asked questions, and people here are merely answering your questions.

NO doubt, what you are going through is painful. It hurts, and its easy for people past where you are to tell you to let go. Just let go.

But HOW? How when you love someone? How are we supposed to just forget what we feel? How can they not love us? Aren't we loveable? Aren't we worth giving up the booze and drugs and porn for? Aren't we, that sacrificed so much FOR THEM, worth all that????

The answer is YES, you are worth ALL of that. You are worth finding a loving, caring, wonderful, kind, gentle woman to share your life with. You are worthy of being in a HEALTHY relationship.

This one-sided obsessive behavior you are participating in is NOT healthy. It is NOT the relationship that God wants for YOU. Tpen, you told me you are saved. You, my dear, are a PRINCE of the Most High. A PRINCE! And God wants to give you love, agape love, love that is kind, gentle, never boastful. He is WAITING for you to get out of the way, so He can give YOU your heart's desire. God knows what is written in your heart Tpen! Get OUT of his way! He wants to prosper you. The only LOVE that is full and complete is the love we find in Christ. No human love can ever ever give us that. It can't, because human love will always fail us. It just will. God's love NEVER will.

Spend some time with your Father, the one that loves you so much. He wants to take your pain! Let Him!

Stop BUYING a ticket on the crazy train of madness. Stop checking her FB, her myspace. Stop worrying about her, only God can help her. You are not her saviour. You don't have the power. The Almighty One has and will work in her. He already is! He wants to work in you too!

You are so kind tpen. Stop giving away your kindness to someone that cannot return it. And doesn't want it. It's an exercise in futility. She has moved on. She doesn't want you. She doesn't love you, and she is never going to give you what you need. BUT there is someone out there that WILL! God has her all picked out for you! He has the right woman for you, let Him show you the way to her! And give up on YOUR wants, and be obedient to God. He will NOT fail you! Promise!!!!

Kerbcrawler

hey Tpen..sorry your on such a downer jus now..am sure time will heal things..easy to say i know..this place can be a wonderfull place of support most often..at times it can be a lonely place too..thing is you did buy a ticket for this train..we all do,one way or another..when you invest so much of everything in something,and it goes pear shape..its a heavy loss..though some point you gotta accept the deal an go through the greif,an healin process...then pick youself up an move on up...Good luck Fella..

HoopNinja

Tpen have you read any of Melanie Beattie's books. Codpendent No More was a good start for me. We may have been the way we are and that is why we wound up with our alcoholics. Having picked 2 alcoholics for husbands. . .well I had to admit something was definitely up with that. I often struggle listening to my HP because I always want control. It is when you finally give up that control and hand it over to your HP that things start to happen. They may not always be things you like but somewhere down the line you will know why they did. I recently talked to a friend who joined this thing called I am Second. I looked at it and although I did not join it made me realize I certainly am not first.

LaTeeDa

I hope you don't think I am "blasting" you but......

There is a guy I work with who is very religious. I have my own belief system which is independent from any organized religion. He sometimes says he will pray for me. I find it highly arrogant and offensive that he thinks he knows what is best for me.

Have you considered that maybe you don't know what's best for her, and that your energy would be better spent on figuring out what's best for you?

L

IamSaved

tpen

I love her and thus pray for her. I do that for my parents, friends and even strangers.

I was out-of-line on the "blasting" comment. Please understand I'm angry today at myself and most likely taking it out. This website had enlightened me on why I am where I'm at. It has made sense out of things I was confused about by reading others posts.

tpen

I take ownership in buying the ticket.

I am starting again at day 1, today of full NC. Since I did the online checking yesterday, it's so hard to fight it today. I've never had an addiction like this. It's "One day at a time", or 1 hour at a time again. I felt so, so strong last week!

Thanks everyone for reading, understanding and commenting.

Kassie2

Hi tpen,

I think only you can answer the question of why you are here and whether it is the place for you to heal from the wounds of this relationship.

I was most struck by your comment about praying to your HP and getting answers you don't like. It shows your pain and anger and I would say that taking it to your HP is about the best thing you can do b/c then you will heal.

It is only natural to have these feelings when a relationship has ended regardless of how or why. I think we have a hard time understanding the impact of the addiction on the person mentally, physically and emotionally. We want to think they are just sidetracked, when they really are impaired.

It was pointed out to me that it is a situation that can seem worse than a death b/c the person is still walking around. I can only suggest that when this happens, our job can be to look at what issues come up for us and begin to resolve them however we need to.

Keep talking, reading, listening, learning and praying. It will be clearer at some point to you.

Learn2Live

Good for you tpen for starting over! When I first got into Recovery, I often had to take it one minute at a time. You can do this. Keep trying.

coffeedrinker

Really good reminder

Ya know that country song about unanswered prayers? The singer thanks God for them.

Unfortunately, only hindsight sometimes shows us what we were trying to learn, but were too stuck in the weeds to see it at the time. You'll get there, Tpen.

Also, I truly believe that you are HERE, on this site (Friends & Family) for a reason. You BELONG here. The issues you are having with how she didn't love you enough, or right, and the pain of disengaging, and of settling, even wanting, someone who did not respect you enough to be faithful....all tells a tale about who you are. As mine does me, and many others here.

You are here to work out what needs to be worked out, in yourself. Agree with the others: it's about YOU, tpen.

Hammerhead

LET GO AND LET GOD!


As children bring their broken toys
with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God,
because He was my friend.
But then, instead of leaving Him,
in peace, to work alone;
I hung around and tried to help,
with ways that were my own.
At last, I snatched them back and cried,
"How can you be so slow?"
"My child," He said,
"What could I do?
You never did let go."


- Author: Lauretta P. Burns

Seren

Hi T,

I pray for the people I love, too. I don't know what is best for them, but I pray that they will be healthy, happy, and fulfilled in their lives. I do not pray that their happiness should look like my happiness.

LTD, I'm sorry that you feel that someone praying for you is arrogant. For the record, I disagree because I think most people pray in the same vein as I have described above. However, your coworker may come across as if his belief system is the only "true way", and that is sad.

I hope, T, that you are feeling a bit better this eveing.

Hugs, HG

LaTeeDa

Yep, he prays for me because I don't believe what he believes, and he believes his way is the only way.

I didn't intend to start a debate on religion, here. My point was that it's arrogant to assume you know what's best for others. Like my coworker assumes he knows what's best for me. Just like I once assumed I knew what was best for my AH.

I don't think praying for others is arrogant, if that's what you believe. Praying for others to see things your way or do what you want them to do--that's arrogant. And selfish. And codependent.

L