JoeVet

AW has been sober 3 weeks, She had her first DUI with 30 day license suspension. She gets the license back this week and wants her car back. It is currently chained up so she can't use it. Do I (1) give it back making it easier to fail, (2) set a sobriety time (must be sober for x weeks) or (3) just keep it chained. I am on foot now because she wrecked my car 4 times in the last 6 months. She has hit and damaged another car, a motorcycle and slammed into railings around the lake. She has been very irresponsible with driving and she is dangerous to others. I'm leaning to not giving it back and letting her continue to seek transportation from others. What did you do after DUI's or wrecked cars?

CAPTAINZING2000

tough call. I figured the law would be tougher there then here

Freedom1990

I have no pat answer for you.

After I got out of rehab, it was another month before my parents gave me the car back, and I understand why.

I had a fairly lengthy walk to work every day and back home. It didn't kill me.

That being said, when I relapsed after 4 years clean/sober, no one took the car away from me.

I'm damned lucky I didn't kill myself or someone else while I was back out there drinking.

suki44883

If it's her car, it is her car. If she gets her license back, she is legal to drive, right? I don't have any idea how they do things in Thailand, but if it's her car and she is legal to drive, I don't see how you would have the legal right to keep her car from her. You cannot control her. If she is going to mess up again, there is nothing you can do to stop that other than report her if you see her driving after drinking.

Learn2Live

JoeVet,

Thanks for sharing. I have been reading your posts and want to point out to you that although it is honorable that you are trying to do the "right" things in the situation you are in, it appears to me that you may be trying to control outcomes??? I'm truly sorry to say that there are no cut and dry answers to ANY of the questions I've seen you post. I note that you appear to be quite a logical person and invite you to consider that alcoholism is not logical in any form or fashion that I have ever noticed.

What I did after DUI's and wrecked cars was (1) tried my best to stop reacting to the alcoholic/addict, (2) tried to emotionally detach, and (3) attended Al-Anon. I also recited the Serenity Prayer over and over and over, likely every minute of every day for weeks, which amounted to probably ten million recitals. Eventually, I was able to let go.

I do have some questions for you: Do you feel responsible for making the "right" decisions for your spouse? For her sobriety? You appear to think that she is going to fail at this attempt at sobriety. Are you in some way trying to prevent that from happening? Why do you want to control what happens with her vehicle when she gets out?

naive

if it is her car only by deed and only her name on the insurance, then in my opinion, you have no right to withhold it from her.

if it is shared with both names, then i feel you do.

i feel it would be fair if she buys you out of the car if joint and hold/pay the insurance solely.

if she gets in it with drink in her, you can call the police.

naive

Freedom1990

I forgot to ask earlier, is she out of rehab already?

JoeVet

The car is bought and paid with my money. She has been a stay at home mom for most of our marriage. Her name is second on the title and insurance. She and the car are still in the United States. As I have legal rights to this car I feel that in the highly likely situation that she drinks and drives then I would be responsible for any accidents (deaths?) that may occur when she is passed out and driving. They found her passed out in the car, engine running and bottle of wine in her lap. She has wrecked our other car. "her" car is going to be used by my daughter when she returns to university.

Yes I am trying to control outcomes. She is trying to get sober and I am doing my best to help her with that goal. Is that bad? I do not expect her to succeed and this is her last chance. It is also not my fault if she fails. I will then know that I went beyond reason to try to save her before throwing in the towel.

While saying the serenity prayer is good, I don't have the luxury to allow my vehicles to be smashed by a drunk. I am still paying on them. I would also feel responsible if my cars were used in vehicular homicide. (Does this answer my own question?)

While I know that she is responsible for sobriety, I do feel I have an obligation as long as she is trying to do all in my power to help. I would like to see her succeed no matter the outcome of our marriage. Right now she is 100% dependent on me and I am trying to use that to help her. If it works, great, and if it fails then she will be on her own to feel the consequences. She will get her own apartment with free rent paid by the army until I either divorce or retire in four years. She will get part of my retirement pay as it is considered an asset by the courts. 26 years is a long time just to turn your back and hope for the best, especially when she claims to want sobriety and is working for it. I do have my eyes wide open and know the chances are small that she will someday get a ten year chip or even a one year chip. I know I am going to get ripped for writing this so bring it on... educate me.

CAPTAINZING2000

what state she in? many of them you have to have a machine put in after a DUI!

Still Waters

Both of your names are on the title, it's marital property, so she has as much right to it as you do. You will not be held responsible for her actions in the car, beyond the financial nightmare you'll have to pay should she wreck in it etc.

You cannot control her. You cannot control her. You are not in control of her.

If you cannot live with the thought that a car with your name on the title might be involved in an accident with her at the wheel, buy her a beater to drive and give it to her in her name only, or have the one she's in titled only to her.

There ARE things you can control, that's one of them.

Hammerhead

Joevet... Please know that I feel for you. This IS difficult. I recently divorced my ah and I had many of the same issues regarding the vehicle... I know where you're coming from... I stood to lose everything... he had nothing left to lose... so I hid the keys. I hid them night and day... always had them on me.... was it healthy?... heck no...

...the true realization of the craziness of hiding the keys... was a gift from HP... how can I spend the rest of my "one precious life" worrying about keys?... (accidents, DUI's, vehicular homicide, etc).... obviously my ah and I weren't on the same page... and that gave me a lot to think about.

The point I'm trying to make is you can do whatever you need to do to protect yourself... but why? (other than the obvious)... why stay in a relationship where you have to sleep with one eye open... so instead of asking "what do I do about her?".... try... just try asking yourself.... "what do I do about me?"

If she takes the car and she's drinking.... call the police.

suki44883

Yes I am trying to control outcomes. She is trying to get sober and I am doing my best to help her with that goal. Is that bad?

It's neither good nor bad. It is useless, especially with you being in Thailand and her being in the states. Her recovery is her own. You can be supportive, but that's about it. You cannot force anything. You are trying to exert control where you cannot. Yes, you are in a very difficult situation but with her living in one country and you in another, there's really nothing you can do since she does have a right to the car since her name is on the title.

Learn2Live

Ooh, tough call Joevet, especially given that she has no income of her own. But totally understandable that you don't want to expose yourself to that kind of liability or responsibility. I think either way you go with this, the folks here support you. You are in a tough situation. Take care.

Freedom1990

Thank God for the unconditional love and support I found in the rooms of AA.

I already felt like the biggest piece of steaming sh*t in the world when I first got sober.

I was a failure as a daughter, a failure as a wife, and a failure as a mother.

My first few meetings all I could was hang my head and barely squeak out my name when it was my turn.

I couldn't make eye contact with anyone.

No one there told me I couldn't do it. No one told me my chances were slim.

What those people did was offer me a solution, and told me to work it a day at a time.

They even suggested 5 minutes at a time when I was really struggling.

They encouraged me, and showed me that they were doing it, and so could I.

I followed their lead. I worked/still work the 12 steps, got a sponsor, sponsor others on the rare occasions we have another female in our group, and I'm active in service work.

Should you be wary of your wife's recovery? I think that's normal. However, it appears from what I've read so far you really do expect her to fail.

Maybe she will. Maybe she won't.

I'd really recommend you getting the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie if you don't have it.

JoeVet

Didn't think of this. Massachusetts has a program that is required after the second DUI. This is her first DUI. The previous 4 crashes were in Thailand and didn't involve reports. I am looking into having such a device put into the car. All the information about them are concerning state programs. There is little about buying and installing it yourself. Found only one site with a price and it was $1200. Wonder if it would decrease her insurrance cost?

LaTeeDa

For me, the more I contemplated the "small" decisions, the more it pointed me to the "bigger" decisions. IF you are considering divorce or legal separation, and you are worried about the financial implications of it--then this decision about the car is really part of that decision. The more I learned about how I could be liable in a civil lawsuit if he chose to drink and drive and injure or kill someone, the more it became clear to me that I needed to protect my assets. Maybe this isn't just about the car, but about what to do to protect yourself in general?

L

barb dwyer

I worked in insurance a long time.
It won't decrease costs.

They've been coming sown HARD on dui's for over ten years now
(the insurance industry... or racket however you look at it)

MY opinion is -

if it's your car it's your call.

You might call about teh breathilizer -
the state might work with you

regarding installation.

This is more one of those 'consequences'
that we learn about in recovery.
We drank
there's consequences.

I'm fairly unbending on the topic of drunk driving
my boyfriend and his best friend died in 2003.

So I say fine lock it up and get her a bike.

Bernadette

While saying the serenity prayer is good, I don't have the luxury to allow my vehicles to be smashed by a drunk. I am still paying on them. I would also feel responsible if my cars were used in vehicular homicide. (Does this answer my own question?)

I think it does!

I like what LTD said about small decisions pointing to larger ones.

good luck-- peace-
b.

coffeedrinker

i have a different opinion to express -- it's not an answer, but this is my experience:

when my xabf wanted to stop using heroin last year, he wanted to get on methadone maintenance. while waiting for his intake appt, he bought off the street. he wanted me to hang onto it, to dole it out, because he couldn't trust himself. i also picked up all of the cash he had - many hundreds of dollars - on the table in front of him while he was organizing it, and put it into a savings account. it took him MONTHS to get it right - was messing with his doses, buying extra, and shooting it on weekends. i was still in crazy control mode, and kept calling him on stuff that didn't "feel" right, or that i strongly suspected he was doing "wrong".

he later told me that when he was so weak, and not getting it right, kept trying to do things his way, that me doing some of those things actually helped him. he knew i cared about his sobriety, and he got tired of trying to outsmart me, sneak around, and was glad he didn't have his hands on his money.

however, it made me crazy.

i think if we can have a hand and offer support it's positive. the thing is, where is that line? how much do we want to make ourselves crazy, or keep banging our heads against the wall, in an effort to "help" ?
i have learned much, and i know i will NEVER go back there.

so, balance. and discernment. what is acceptable assistance and what is overly controlling?

my addict is so messed up, and for him, it was baby steps. he is now clean from everything except rx meds, for 8 months. it took a lot of support from a counselor at his clinic to give up the needle fixation. he is proud of the distance he has gone and knows not what tomorrow holds, but that he never wants to shoot dope again.

about the car:
marital property; it is both of yours. i think you're the one that should have a vehicle, esp given that she destroyed yours, yet she still has one? that is counter-intuitive to me. can the vehicle be sold, so that you can purchase one where you are at?

the bottom line, is that you don't have faith in her to stay sober - maybe with good reason - and that she is in charge of whether or not she does.

what is "helping" is always muddy for me. (these good people here have taught me alot, tho :day6 )