Inviting reflections on the movie
 

I found the movie jammed packed with information and enlightenment. Thought I would start a place for people to share their reflections and questions from it.

For me, I think I really saw Alanon in a different way which is much more helpful than my experience of it. I found the balance between coping with the fall out of the illness and moving forward in a healthy way.

I also saw something in the A that I didn't fully get before about his search for a way to stay sober.

The last thing was the quote at the end - this is not a situation where logic can offer any understanding nor resolution, it a thing we understand and resolve with our hears.

I also loved when they quoted Lois at the end, I can't find it! It was along the lines of:

"The heart understands in ways that the mind cannot." ? ?

Err, I wanted to touch on a couple facts not in the movie. Bill W. and Lois had a roller-coster marraige. He had affairs before and AFTER sobriety. One long term mistress who lived nearby that Lois was aware of.

I enjoyed the movie. But it did gloss over and make their love look all shiney and perfect. They were, in fact, just like most of us. Their marital issues did not go away, he did not become the perfect husband.

However, they did endure.

What does this mean then?

In my situation it would mean to call her, to try to talk things through. Since one month ago, I have been following my mind. Very confused and looking for insight on this statement of hers.

IMO I prefer that they didn't muddy the movie with any of Bill's affairs, it would have drawn the focus away from it's purpose.. the creation of Alanon.

Also, I didn't think the movie made their love look all shiny & perfect.. In fact at one point near the end I recall Lois saying that the issues didn't go away just because the alcohol did.

tpen - I know that the movie would probably reignite some confusion. I would have you consider some facts: you are not living together, not legally bound, very far apart, don't know what happens during the week, you are not financially dependent, don't have kids together, the only connection is emotional. I am not making light of that connection but that is your real issue.
Another point to consider is that Lois made it clear that she was making a choice - one that others did not support. She obviously had a purpose and was able to realize that purpose in founding alanon - but things could just as easily not turned out that way.
Hope that helps to sort out.

When I look at the choices Lois made I am very clear that she did not have an ideal relationship nor a good one most of the time. She clearly did much of the work in maintaining the relationship and she made it clear that it was a tough choice for her that at times she couldn't carry out and left.

Whatever her reasons for staying, I can only admire her strength and determination not to let this illness take his life and her life away permanently. Defects and all, I saw it as a reminder of the choices we make, the reasons we make them, and hope.

I saw the hope when she began alanon meetings - she could have held onto her negative thoughts and emotions, but what I liked was how she listened to thev A's and their laughter and saw how we miss out on that part of recovery for ourselves by continuing to do the same things we did during their addiction. They change and we change.

She was blessed to have the opportunity to turn her experience into a positive influence that has lasted for generations. It could have easily gone a different way but it didn't. I think the message for us is to find our ways to turn our experience into a positive path forward as well, however we see that happening.

I haven't watched the movie yet - I have it taped because I want to watch it ALONE!

I didn't want to watch it with my BF last nite. He understands and supports my participation and membership in Al-Anon but I knew it would probably bring up a lot of things about my past and I didn't want that to happen around him.

If fact you know I'm not even sure I want to watch the movie. I am very grateful to Lois - feel a connection with her as I am a recovering thrower also (she threw shoes, I have thrown many cordless phones - ha ha ha)

But I also know that she made the choice to stay in what I perceive as unhealthiness for the "Stand by her man" and I made the decision to leave. She was willing to stay, I was not. For some reason, I feel guilt over that. I feel less than. I feel like a failure.

I know that these are unrealistic and untrue feelings - I know in my head I made the correct and healthiest decisions for ME and she made the healthiest decisions for her.

I guess, today I just keep on keeping on - One day at a time.

Reminding myself - what is my truth, my path, my choices may not be anyone else's - They are my HP's way for me, just as Lois' HP directed hers.

PINK HUGS to all,
Rita

Glad the movie was made... definitely puts the topic front and center for some folks that are in the dark.

I definitely picked up on the rationalization and founding of Alanon and that was a good thing to see put into explanation via the story line.

I was not impressed with the notion that Lois stuck by her man to the point of complete financial and emotional devastation.... obviously her choice. I appreciate that the movie is about her and her life... I hate to think that some folks will literally "romanticize" the idea that if you stay everything will work out... because sometimes it doesn't... sometimes they die.... sometimes they get well and leave.... etc.

Loved that they included the 12 steps at the end and supported the steps with footage/action.... powerful.

My 2 cents worth.

I guess I thought it was an "Okay" movie. A little too "Hallmark" but that's what it was - A T.V. movie. So as far as T.V. movies go. It was fine! I just don't think I'll be buying it.

I too thought the movie was a bit cheesy. I wish it would have been made more "big screen" like and less "lifetime channel" but very glad it was made at all. I know what a big fight is like, and you get somewhat out of control and lose touch with how you're really behaving. But it just seemed so over-the-top dramatic, with her pouring the vodka down her throat.

She actually behaved quite counter to what our program is about - an irony that I just thought of - and I was kinda mad when she sold her wedding ring. Like they were showing "That's what a really great woman would do".

I found myself getting tired of hearing the word "sober" over and over again. Anyway, glad it was made, wish it was better written.

I liked the movie. I saw a lot of myself in it. I saw a lot of my AH in it. It made me sad. They had to go thru so much to get to a good place. I admire her determination and realize it was her choice. We each have a choice.
I have some guilt feelings over leaving my ex. But he emailed me and was very drunk last night and it bothers me because I know he drove home drunk. So sad as he had a taste of sober life and then reverted.
In my marriage I can say my husband has many underlying issues. I think he cant stay sober because he cant face those issues. He likes to keep everything inside. There is nothing else I can do....

I am grateful for them both. She was a code but where would we all be today if she hadn't been? He was a womanizer, but I am glad she got royalties from the Big Book after he died for years. Some people think she was a fool. Divorce was taboo back then and now we know about boundaries and codependence. I am grateful for them both.

I liked the movie overall, but it dredged up yucky feelings. What I didn't like:

1. Louis serving constantly, like cookies to the meeting guys, always being a doormat, losing everything financially, but still serving.
2. The statement about being worried about him, if he's drinking etc. and he doesn't "even have the decency to die." (Because it hits way to close to home.)
3. Her mother warning her she could become bitter for being robbed of her life if she stayed. (She was robbed of her life, overall.)
4. That the movie implied that something great can be gained by staying with an AH. Since the book has been written, the meetings are going on, what great thing can happen to me or anyone else if we stay? Will somebody buy me a country estate?

I agree with ST Francis and want to add that everything inher life was about him, even al anon. That makes me sad for her, but she chose to be a martyr. He sounds like a egocentric jerk.

Lois
 

There was something said in the beginning about each alcoholic affecting 4 people. In my own life that number needs to be multiplied exponentially! I enjoyed the movie, mostly because it was like a public service announcement. 80 years ago she needed help, but because she was a Codie, all it appeared she could do was help him. Her own pain and suffering was parked in a long line outside her door with their own pain. Once she realized that all the other wives had been thru the same type of thing as she had, the seed of this knowledge, spawned the recovery movement for thousands of friends and families of Alcoholics.
I hope to see meetings pick up in numbers. Just like Bill knew about the importance of helping others suffering, I feel the need to share recovery. I need to see that in my life. Less insanity, more recovery!

Times have changed. Back then, divorces weren't as common. If Bill was as bad as we assume he was, in today's society, would Lois stuck by him?

You are so right captain - Divorces were very uncommon back than and the women much more repressed. Lois wasnt the only one who stuck by her man there was a whole lineup of cars out front that house. Today I dont think it would go down like that at all. Women were suppose to put up with whatever and cater to their man.

Even though the movie was a bit cheesy, I like the way they portrayed it to be all about him until she found "her" and her group. Everytime they talked it became about him until the end when she had the gumption to say "I'm talking about ME now Bill." We have to remember that back in those days, it was unheard of for a woman to leave her husband. They were cast out, talked about, ridiculed etc; I am SO glad it is a different world now. :)