Acceptance?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
For me it would be so hard to move on with my life, when the person I ended a relationship was still living in my home, which would mean I couldn't really move on with my life. So maybe you've accepted that it's ended, but it hasn't ended?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Thank you all. This has been a best day for me in a very long time. Talking to my D and your comments about it gave me one after the other aha moment 
Everything seems so much more clear to me. There is a saying in my language, I don't know if you have it in english, that says: You can't see the forest for the trees.
But today it feels like I can acctually see the forest.
Which is making me question my decision in regard to having my AH stay with us.
But I think it's best to give that some more time.
As he doesn't seem to be well at all. Lost some more weight, hardly eats anything, his stomach a bit more bloated, and has this redish-gray color in his face. Today he came home, went straight to the couch and was passed out a minute later (didn't appear like he was drinking at all). Few minutes later I looked at him, and his body was in a such a strange position, I thought he was dead. Took few minutes for me to realize he wasn't, and than for the first time instead of agonizing over it, I took kids and we went out and had great time.
I wasn't forcing myself to do it, I didn't feel horrible, I just figured he's a grown man, I told him he should see a doctor, he refuses and there is nothing I can do about it, but there is so much I can do for kids and me. And it was truly that simple.
And honestly if he doesn't do something really, really soon about it, he'll probably die really, really soon.
And now I'm thinking I should have left him long time ago, and I'm also thinking I don't want to have him here any more, and all of a sudden in all honesty I can say (maybe I've said it before but this time I acctually feel it to the last inch of my soul) I see no reason whatsoever to have any of this in my life any more!... except for one reason:
If he is to leave now and he ends up dead soon, than kids are very likely to blame me for it. Because for them it would be like daddy was fine, and than mum made him leave and than he died.
So I'm not going to make any decisions just yet, I'll focus on repairing relationship with my kids and work on myself. maybe this sounds cold but I'll wait to see if this time he ends up in hospital again or worse, and I'd say it's a matter of days, and I'll take it from there. What I'm thinking and feeling right now (but since it is new I'll give it more time), if they manage to patch him up in hospital I'm not having him back here.
Thank you again for stirring some of your wisdom my way, your help was tremendous (and also for putting up with my misspellings and bad english - who of you would ever thought I'm a writter but honestly I'm not this bad in my own language)
Everything seems so much more clear to me. There is a saying in my language, I don't know if you have it in english, that says: You can't see the forest for the trees. But today it feels like I can acctually see the forest.
Which is making me question my decision in regard to having my AH stay with us.
But I think it's best to give that some more time.
As he doesn't seem to be well at all. Lost some more weight, hardly eats anything, his stomach a bit more bloated, and has this redish-gray color in his face. Today he came home, went straight to the couch and was passed out a minute later (didn't appear like he was drinking at all). Few minutes later I looked at him, and his body was in a such a strange position, I thought he was dead. Took few minutes for me to realize he wasn't, and than for the first time instead of agonizing over it, I took kids and we went out and had great time.
I wasn't forcing myself to do it, I didn't feel horrible, I just figured he's a grown man, I told him he should see a doctor, he refuses and there is nothing I can do about it, but there is so much I can do for kids and me. And it was truly that simple.
And honestly if he doesn't do something really, really soon about it, he'll probably die really, really soon.
And now I'm thinking I should have left him long time ago, and I'm also thinking I don't want to have him here any more, and all of a sudden in all honesty I can say (maybe I've said it before but this time I acctually feel it to the last inch of my soul) I see no reason whatsoever to have any of this in my life any more!... except for one reason:
If he is to leave now and he ends up dead soon, than kids are very likely to blame me for it. Because for them it would be like daddy was fine, and than mum made him leave and than he died.
So I'm not going to make any decisions just yet, I'll focus on repairing relationship with my kids and work on myself. maybe this sounds cold but I'll wait to see if this time he ends up in hospital again or worse, and I'd say it's a matter of days, and I'll take it from there. What I'm thinking and feeling right now (but since it is new I'll give it more time), if they manage to patch him up in hospital I'm not having him back here.
Thank you again for stirring some of your wisdom my way, your help was tremendous (and also for putting up with my misspellings and bad english - who of you would ever thought I'm a writter
but honestly I'm not this bad in my own language)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: WI
Posts: 195
I relate a lot to your story. We’ll have been married 25 years in one more month.
I realized with my spouse that the more he drank, the more I couldn’t stand pretending we had a relationship. It got to the point that I realized we were repeating the bad parts of my childhood (and his).
The unhappiness I felt about our relationship remained. I had imagined it would be different once I accepted it, but the emptiness was the same. For the longest time, I admonished my husband regularly regarding his behavior that I found unacceptable believing he would either decide to leave (I was a student) or he would change (I wasn’t following Bill’s recommendations (AA’s letter to wives). It just didn’t resonate with me, and I decided I needed to follow my gut if I were to progress through this.
I stayed, too, for many reasons. Besides that we had 3 children before I began seeing how alcohol was impacting our lives, my oldest daughter (19) who was 14 at the time said she would stay with her dad if I left. I could see that would be disastrous as she had a rebellious nature at that time. My husband was so highly functional (and hid everything as well as destroyed the empty bottles religiously) that I had no way to prove he was unfit to be around our children (I guess all his exercise and vitamin supplements helped him in this regard as well). His tolerance was high; as of recent I knew he could drink 20 ounces of vodka in 45 minutes or less and no one but I would know the (subtle) difference; then he’d fall asleep (or pass out) by 8 pm. No DUI’s, no bars, no missed work, etc. Grant it, I knew not to provoke him or speak to him while he was drinking.
I could detach, I did detach, and often. I could minimize and ignore the pain. I hadn’t forgotten how to have fun with friends and family. Funny thing was, at times I think I believed that if I did everything well, it would make up for what our relationship lacked. But the fact was my husband was (and maybe still is) oblivious to the pain our disconnectedness caused me, and there is nothing I can do to change that. Through the grace of God, I was able to steer clear of any pity party by forging ahead with the vision I had and by keeping my chin up. I have a lot to be thankful for and my attitude I also contribute to God’s grace.
As fate would have it, despite that I’ve stashed a large sum of money, purchased most everything I need to move out, and asked God for his assistance in finding employment, etc., (just finished college) my husband is 10 days sober, going to AA, has a sponsor, and has purchased 5 books so far to help him on his journey. Either a miracle has begun to take place, or this will be a temporary reprieve which I will enjoy while I can (so far, so good). I believe I realize more now than ever before how I have zero control of this moment. Yet I’m enjoying what I can. After 6 and ½ years, I can breathe a sigh of relief. This is a beautiful moment in time whether it lasts or not. Best wishes to you and your circumstances ((((hugs)))). ~Terry
I realized with my spouse that the more he drank, the more I couldn’t stand pretending we had a relationship. It got to the point that I realized we were repeating the bad parts of my childhood (and his).
The unhappiness I felt about our relationship remained. I had imagined it would be different once I accepted it, but the emptiness was the same. For the longest time, I admonished my husband regularly regarding his behavior that I found unacceptable believing he would either decide to leave (I was a student) or he would change (I wasn’t following Bill’s recommendations (AA’s letter to wives). It just didn’t resonate with me, and I decided I needed to follow my gut if I were to progress through this.
I stayed, too, for many reasons. Besides that we had 3 children before I began seeing how alcohol was impacting our lives, my oldest daughter (19) who was 14 at the time said she would stay with her dad if I left. I could see that would be disastrous as she had a rebellious nature at that time. My husband was so highly functional (and hid everything as well as destroyed the empty bottles religiously) that I had no way to prove he was unfit to be around our children (I guess all his exercise and vitamin supplements helped him in this regard as well). His tolerance was high; as of recent I knew he could drink 20 ounces of vodka in 45 minutes or less and no one but I would know the (subtle) difference; then he’d fall asleep (or pass out) by 8 pm. No DUI’s, no bars, no missed work, etc. Grant it, I knew not to provoke him or speak to him while he was drinking.
I could detach, I did detach, and often. I could minimize and ignore the pain. I hadn’t forgotten how to have fun with friends and family. Funny thing was, at times I think I believed that if I did everything well, it would make up for what our relationship lacked. But the fact was my husband was (and maybe still is) oblivious to the pain our disconnectedness caused me, and there is nothing I can do to change that. Through the grace of God, I was able to steer clear of any pity party by forging ahead with the vision I had and by keeping my chin up. I have a lot to be thankful for and my attitude I also contribute to God’s grace.
As fate would have it, despite that I’ve stashed a large sum of money, purchased most everything I need to move out, and asked God for his assistance in finding employment, etc., (just finished college) my husband is 10 days sober, going to AA, has a sponsor, and has purchased 5 books so far to help him on his journey. Either a miracle has begun to take place, or this will be a temporary reprieve which I will enjoy while I can (so far, so good). I believe I realize more now than ever before how I have zero control of this moment. Yet I’m enjoying what I can. After 6 and ½ years, I can breathe a sigh of relief. This is a beautiful moment in time whether it lasts or not. Best wishes to you and your circumstances ((((hugs)))). ~Terry
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
24years, for a whole day I've been thinking about what you wrote. And I'm glad that it seems the things are starting to get better for you, but in the same time wondering if that is to happen to me (him wanting to get help) I honestly don't know if I'd have it in me to get my hopes up again.
Because I did it so many times before, whenever I saw signs of any improvement on his side, or he made some promisses or did quit for a while. Each and every time I was over the moon, I thought this is it, this is what I've been waiting for all along, we are saved. Needless to say every time he didn't deliver I ended up being more crushed than I was before the "impovement" started, and had to start building my strenght from the beginning.
I admire you for your willingness to give it yet another try, now that you've already made all arrangments to leave.
All of this is making me think whether my attitude is wrong, have I become too bitter and too damaged by this whole deal, as doing all this soul searching and embracing honesty (to myself in all acpects of my life) in a past few days I came to realize deep inside I'm convinced my AH will never stop and recover, and not only that but also I find when reading other people's posts about hoping thier A might change, I'm thinking yeah, right, BS. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying that you should do this or that, I'm truly glad for the new prospects in your life, I'm just questioning myself and how healthy/unhealthy my attitude is.
And also there is another issue I'm thinking about. I was never much of a believer, I was brought up an ateist. Over years I did start to believe in some kind of HP, which for the lack of better term, I call life. And also, I always believed if you do good and right it will return. And now thinking about everything that was happening due to AH alcoholism, I realize that all that time I had this strange equasion in my mind, like: the worse things became I secretly took it more as a sign that it has to get better afterwards. So I hanged in there. Does that make any sense to any of you?
And only now I have this kind of a revelation: Life was trying to teach me I should take care of myself. As before I kept thinking, since I've being putting up with so much, how come my reward is missing? I was adapting myself more and more to the situation, like: I accepted he's drinking, ain't I great for it, so where is my reward?, and than things just kept on getting worse (he started getting sick), and than I'm all hurt and feeling betrayed by life. Or sometimes he'd do better for awhile and I misstook it for my reward, but soon enough it all went bad again. And I felt cheated on and betrayed again, not only by him, but by life too.
And only yesterday it struck me I had my rewards all the time, I just didn't see it. My rewards were the horrible times as they were there to teach me something very important: that I should take care of myself, that I should make my life better, that I can't have it better if I don't make it better, and it's not anybody's job but mine. No one is going to look after me if I don't do it myself. Putting things that way it even became clear life almost went out of its way to teach me that.
Thinking about it brings this image to my head: this life/HP is all around me, and keeps giving me all this signs and clues while it keeps thinking to itself: Honey, how come you don't get it yet? What else do I need to push your way to make you understand?
And this is how the last two days went for me I kept on thinking and thinking, like after years in a dark tunnel I have managed to switch on a light and can finally see the things for what they are, and I'm coming to all these Aha conclusions, and than I sum it all up in a one sentance, only to realize it to be something I've read here so many times before. Lol.
Because I did it so many times before, whenever I saw signs of any improvement on his side, or he made some promisses or did quit for a while. Each and every time I was over the moon, I thought this is it, this is what I've been waiting for all along, we are saved. Needless to say every time he didn't deliver I ended up being more crushed than I was before the "impovement" started, and had to start building my strenght from the beginning.
I admire you for your willingness to give it yet another try, now that you've already made all arrangments to leave.
All of this is making me think whether my attitude is wrong, have I become too bitter and too damaged by this whole deal, as doing all this soul searching and embracing honesty (to myself in all acpects of my life) in a past few days I came to realize deep inside I'm convinced my AH will never stop and recover, and not only that but also I find when reading other people's posts about hoping thier A might change, I'm thinking yeah, right, BS. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying that you should do this or that, I'm truly glad for the new prospects in your life, I'm just questioning myself and how healthy/unhealthy my attitude is.
And also there is another issue I'm thinking about. I was never much of a believer, I was brought up an ateist. Over years I did start to believe in some kind of HP, which for the lack of better term, I call life. And also, I always believed if you do good and right it will return. And now thinking about everything that was happening due to AH alcoholism, I realize that all that time I had this strange equasion in my mind, like: the worse things became I secretly took it more as a sign that it has to get better afterwards. So I hanged in there. Does that make any sense to any of you?
And only now I have this kind of a revelation: Life was trying to teach me I should take care of myself. As before I kept thinking, since I've being putting up with so much, how come my reward is missing? I was adapting myself more and more to the situation, like: I accepted he's drinking, ain't I great for it, so where is my reward?, and than things just kept on getting worse (he started getting sick), and than I'm all hurt and feeling betrayed by life. Or sometimes he'd do better for awhile and I misstook it for my reward, but soon enough it all went bad again. And I felt cheated on and betrayed again, not only by him, but by life too.
And only yesterday it struck me I had my rewards all the time, I just didn't see it. My rewards were the horrible times as they were there to teach me something very important: that I should take care of myself, that I should make my life better, that I can't have it better if I don't make it better, and it's not anybody's job but mine. No one is going to look after me if I don't do it myself. Putting things that way it even became clear life almost went out of its way to teach me that.
Thinking about it brings this image to my head: this life/HP is all around me, and keeps giving me all this signs and clues while it keeps thinking to itself: Honey, how come you don't get it yet? What else do I need to push your way to make you understand?
And this is how the last two days went for me
I kept on thinking and thinking, like after years in a dark tunnel I have managed to switch on a light and can finally see the things for what they are, and I'm coming to all these Aha conclusions, and than I sum it all up in a one sentance, only to realize it to be something I've read here so many times before. Lol.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 97
Sesh, you wrote:
[/QUOTE]And this is how the last two days went for me I kept on thinking and thinking, like after years in a dark tunnel I have managed to switch on a light and can finally see the things for what they are, and I'm coming to all these Aha conclusions, and than I sum it all up in a one sentance, only to realize it to be something I've read here so many times before. Lol.[/QUOTE]
This is exactly what keeps happening to me, too. I feel like a wise observer could have summed things up for me many months ago, but it wouldn't have sunk in. And still wouldn't! It's humbling, and really makes me believe that "progress not perfection" is where it's at. For me, it's a process, with lots of circling around and revisiting.
And there's a real difference between me saying I believe something, and me really accepting, understanding, and applying it. It feels so different to me. I guess I've just going to keep on keepin' on...
1234
[/QUOTE]And this is how the last two days went for me
I kept on thinking and thinking, like after years in a dark tunnel I have managed to switch on a light and can finally see the things for what they are, and I'm coming to all these Aha conclusions, and than I sum it all up in a one sentance, only to realize it to be something I've read here so many times before. Lol.[/QUOTE]This is exactly what keeps happening to me, too. I feel like a wise observer could have summed things up for me many months ago, but it wouldn't have sunk in. And still wouldn't! It's humbling, and really makes me believe that "progress not perfection" is where it's at. For me, it's a process, with lots of circling around and revisiting.
And there's a real difference between me saying I believe something, and me really accepting, understanding, and applying it. It feels so different to me. I guess I've just going to keep on keepin' on...
1234
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
I guess if we could change people to be what we want them to be, the world may be perfect for us.
Its really simple and it took me some time to accept this.
Now that I think of it, sitting back waiting for someone to change is like - waiting for my partner to whisk me off into the sunset on a romantic holiday. Simple I know that is never going to happen! and I would have to organize that one myself. haha.
Its like someone who puts up with their partner cheating or doing something we dont like, each time, waiting, hoping that it will never happen again.
Do we really want to live like this??
Its really simple and it took me some time to accept this.
Now that I think of it, sitting back waiting for someone to change is like - waiting for my partner to whisk me off into the sunset on a romantic holiday. Simple I know that is never going to happen! and I would have to organize that one myself. haha.
Its like someone who puts up with their partner cheating or doing something we dont like, each time, waiting, hoping that it will never happen again.
Do we really want to live like this??
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
Keep in mind, how your daughter feels about the situation at age 11 and how she feels about it when she has the maturity and perspective of an adult may not be the same. There's a post here somewhere about how children love both parents, so they get angry at the parent they know is stronger; the one who can take it. That's generally not the alcoholic. My daughter, who's slightly younger than yours, takes out her rage on me from time to time, but the few times I've asked her if she'd rather live with her alcoholic dad and his girlfriend all the time, she's said no. She loves and defends her dad... but she leans on me. She really doesn't like it when I have even one glass of wine; it scares her. My spot in her life is the sober parent.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
I'm getting closer and closer to make a decision to end my marriage. But yet I hesitate.
I know this is not the life I want. I don't want him the way he is now, I want him the way he was before he started drinking. I'm still in love with that man but unfortunatelly he's not here any more. So I can't have it and it's simple as that.
I agree completely with you that when older my D is not going to feel the way she feels now. But, I don't even know if I can explain this right, if I was to leave him now, she's going to be affected by it from the perspective she has now, and I worry that might be a bigger blow for her than growing up with an A. Because I kind of feel if I was to leave and move on with my life, AH stops being my problem but it doens't stop being my kids problem. So in a way I'm home free, while my kids are still stuck with it. I'm afraid they might resent me for it, and also I feel it's not fair on them, like being thier mum it's my job to carry thier burden (of course it's AH's job too, but ... you know how that is going).
I want my kids to grow up happy healthy people, and I know that depends on the choices I make. And yet I don't know what the right choice is, or even is there still a chance at all to make one. As whatever I do I can't change the fact their F is an A. I just want to choose the lesser evil for them, and I don't know what that is.
I'm constantly obsessing about this, which is quite strage as since I grew up with an AF one would think I should know what to do. my mum never left him, and i don't resent her for it (she was really detached from him) nor I resent my AF. I don't think I'm here today because of him. I can't tell if I'd be better or worse off if she did leave him.
I know the general opinion here is that is better to not have kids growing up with AF, but I can not help myself from wondering How can we know for sure? How can we know for sure that having their AF drinking himself to death somewhere else (inseted in our family home) is going to scar them less?
I can tell, in this line of thinking, I'm missing something important and I don't know what that is...
I really don't know what to do.
I know this is not the life I want. I don't want him the way he is now, I want him the way he was before he started drinking. I'm still in love with that man but unfortunatelly he's not here any more. So I can't have it and it's simple as that.
I agree completely with you that when older my D is not going to feel the way she feels now. But, I don't even know if I can explain this right, if I was to leave him now, she's going to be affected by it from the perspective she has now, and I worry that might be a bigger blow for her than growing up with an A. Because I kind of feel if I was to leave and move on with my life, AH stops being my problem but it doens't stop being my kids problem. So in a way I'm home free, while my kids are still stuck with it. I'm afraid they might resent me for it, and also I feel it's not fair on them, like being thier mum it's my job to carry thier burden (of course it's AH's job too, but ... you know how that is going).
I want my kids to grow up happy healthy people, and I know that depends on the choices I make. And yet I don't know what the right choice is, or even is there still a chance at all to make one. As whatever I do I can't change the fact their F is an A. I just want to choose the lesser evil for them, and I don't know what that is.
I'm constantly obsessing about this, which is quite strage as since I grew up with an AF one would think I should know what to do. my mum never left him, and i don't resent her for it (she was really detached from him) nor I resent my AF. I don't think I'm here today because of him. I can't tell if I'd be better or worse off if she did leave him.
I know the general opinion here is that is better to not have kids growing up with AF, but I can not help myself from wondering How can we know for sure? How can we know for sure that having their AF drinking himself to death somewhere else (inseted in our family home) is going to scar them less?
I can tell, in this line of thinking, I'm missing something important and I don't know what that is...
I really don't know what to do.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: too close to the fire
Posts: 173
- Sesh,
- Because I grew up in so much chaos and dysfunction I am very capable of making any mess look pretty. I do not know how to speak with respect to your situation but I sense you may struggle because you are scared of the unknown, tired of the fight and willing to settle because you can not see really how your decision should affect anyone negatively? Perhaps if your Mom left you wouldn't have been attracted to an alcoholic and with having said that, is this something that you wouldn't mind your daughter coming to you saying Mom, what do I do? Call me crazy but denial is an almost magical thing. Codependance exists because we are uncomfortable making/putting ourselves first. You have to believe that you matter which is not selfish, by the way!
- Just because I write this does not in any way indicate that I can actually take my own advice, because I am taking my time leaving but I have learned that my kids will not do as I say they will only do as I do.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Sesh, I know what a struggle this is..and how hard it is to make a decision when there is no 'good' decision to be found.
I do not have the answers to your questions regarding on what is best for the kids. I still don't know. In the end I could not detach. I could not be a good mom in my situation and so my decision to leave was for the best because now they are getting one good parent, where before they had an alcoholic parent, and a crazy parent.
I do not have the answers to your questions regarding on what is best for the kids. I still don't know. In the end I could not detach. I could not be a good mom in my situation and so my decision to leave was for the best because now they are getting one good parent, where before they had an alcoholic parent, and a crazy parent.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
