Codependent No More Book Study: Chap. 18 - WORK A TWELVE STEP PROGRAM
Go ask the Multivax
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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Codependent No More Book Study: Chap. 18 - WORK A TWELVE STEP PROGRAM Link to Previous Chapters: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2576384
Chapter 19 - To go up Wednesday Morning
Codependent No More:
How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
By Melodie Beattie
Book Study
CHAPTER 18 - WORK A TWELVE STEP PROGRAM
CHAPTER 18 - WORK A TWELVE STEP PROGRAM
Chapter 19 - To go up Wednesday Morning
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Synopsis:
Melodie explains here that she "unabashedly loves twelve step programs". Alcoholics Anonymous, Alanon, Alateen, Alatots (never heard of that one! Yes, for tots) etc... The programs help people to live contented lives. The steps are a way of life. The steps for codependents follow the Alanon program. They are as follows:
These steps are as written for Alanon. The descriptions are Melodies interpretations of them. Paraphrased (for copywrite issues) and simplified for this synopsis. Other feel free to expand on any of 'em! I took great care in NOT coloring any of them with my own ideas. - But, I'm not perfect. So point out it, if I did it.
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives become unmanageable. This is the first step because we have a difficult time accepting whatever it is we must accept. Alcohol had the control. It dictated our thoughts, our emotions, behaviors. Our lives. She says that if this step seems like giving it it is because we are surrendering to the truth. "When we quit trying to do the impossible, we are allowed to do the possible".
Step 2: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity - It shouldn't take us long to see we're CRAZY! That the way we've been living has been insane. She says "I needed to believe that the pain I was feeling could somehow be lessened". The way she did this was joining Alanon and listening to others who knew exactly what it was like and what was possible. This is a spiritual program. Not, religious, but spiritual. "We select and come to terms with a power greater than ourselves".
Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god as we understood him. - Having tried to turn it all over to other people, the "wrong" people, Melodie finally said, to her God "Take it, take all of it - who I am, what's happened to me, where I shall go, and how I'll get there." She says it everyday. This step tells us there is a purpose and a plan - "There is a purpose for our lives".
Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. - We take a good hard look at US. What are our charachteristics? We write down what we see. This step is where the real hard-work comes in. We root out and find the real cause for our resentments, hurts, angers, and even our good traits. (This is an extensive step, there's much more to read about this through the Alanon site).
Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. - Melodie explains that confession is good for the soul. We do not have to hide anything, anymore. We tell our darkest secrets of shame and remorse to a "trusted person SKILLED in listening to the 5th Step". We can now begin to heal.
Step 6: We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. - We decided to give up and get rid of all our outdated behaviors and attitudes.
Step 7: Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings. - Melody simply says "From my experience, humbly seems to be the key here". for this step.
Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. - Willingness to the key word in this step. We just need to become willing. This is a chance to take care of our earned guilt and should include our own names on it.
Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. Melodie says only this "This is a simple step in a simple program. Sometimes the simplest things help us feel happy"
Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. We watch ourselves. We regularly check our behaviors and attitudes. We ask ourselves perhaps at the end of the day, what we did right and what not-so right. If we were wrong, we say so. We know when to say "I was wrong, I'm sorry" when it's due. she ends with "The moral of this step story is: Dump guilt, if we get some, take care of it immediately.
Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with god as we understood him, praying only for knowledge for his will for us and the power to carry that out - Get quiet, detach, pray, meditate. Whatever it is that you feel brings you closer to your higher power. "god knows where we live" she says. "Ask him what he wants us to do, and then let go". She tells us to become sensitive to how he communicates to us.
Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. - "We will awaken spiritually" because of this program we'll learn to love ourselves and others. We will share our experience, hope, and strength with others who are suffering.
This would be FORVER long, even condensed. Here's the copywrite friendly link to read the whole thing:
Codependent no more: how to stop ... - Google Books
So basically, she went through what Alanon is like and what the meetings are like. How important they are! I am hoping that we who have gone to Alanon and have worked a 12 step program, can relate our own experiences. This could be a very enlightening thread!
Her final words in this chapter: "Go (to meetings) until you see the boat and the oars and you get happy. Go until the magic works on you. And don't worry - if you go long enough, the magic will work".
The chapter then has the following for us to review:
Alanon, is it for you?
Al-Anon - Is it for you?
Progression of a codependent personality (checklist), Adult Children of Alcoholics Steps & Are you an eating disorder codependent"
Codependent no more: how to stop ... - Google Books
Activities:
1.) Read over the above informative suggested readings
2.) If you are a candidate for any of the programs, look for meetings by calling the hotlines or try going to the following websites:
Alanon and Alateen:
Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen
Adult Children of Alcoholics
Welcome to Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.
Alcoholics Anonymous:
Alcoholics Anonymous :
Okay, this was another hard chapter. I hope I did it some justice!
Melodie explains here that she "unabashedly loves twelve step programs". Alcoholics Anonymous, Alanon, Alateen, Alatots (never heard of that one! Yes, for tots) etc... The programs help people to live contented lives. The steps are a way of life. The steps for codependents follow the Alanon program. They are as follows:
These steps are as written for Alanon. The descriptions are Melodies interpretations of them. Paraphrased (for copywrite issues) and simplified for this synopsis. Other feel free to expand on any of 'em! I took great care in NOT coloring any of them with my own ideas. - But, I'm not perfect. So point out it, if I did it.
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives become unmanageable. This is the first step because we have a difficult time accepting whatever it is we must accept. Alcohol had the control. It dictated our thoughts, our emotions, behaviors. Our lives. She says that if this step seems like giving it it is because we are surrendering to the truth. "When we quit trying to do the impossible, we are allowed to do the possible".
Step 2: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity - It shouldn't take us long to see we're CRAZY! That the way we've been living has been insane. She says "I needed to believe that the pain I was feeling could somehow be lessened". The way she did this was joining Alanon and listening to others who knew exactly what it was like and what was possible. This is a spiritual program. Not, religious, but spiritual. "We select and come to terms with a power greater than ourselves".
Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god as we understood him. - Having tried to turn it all over to other people, the "wrong" people, Melodie finally said, to her God "Take it, take all of it - who I am, what's happened to me, where I shall go, and how I'll get there." She says it everyday. This step tells us there is a purpose and a plan - "There is a purpose for our lives".
Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. - We take a good hard look at US. What are our charachteristics? We write down what we see. This step is where the real hard-work comes in. We root out and find the real cause for our resentments, hurts, angers, and even our good traits. (This is an extensive step, there's much more to read about this through the Alanon site).
Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. - Melodie explains that confession is good for the soul. We do not have to hide anything, anymore. We tell our darkest secrets of shame and remorse to a "trusted person SKILLED in listening to the 5th Step". We can now begin to heal.
Step 6: We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. - We decided to give up and get rid of all our outdated behaviors and attitudes.
Step 7: Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings. - Melody simply says "From my experience, humbly seems to be the key here". for this step.
Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. - Willingness to the key word in this step. We just need to become willing. This is a chance to take care of our earned guilt and should include our own names on it.
Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. Melodie says only this "This is a simple step in a simple program. Sometimes the simplest things help us feel happy"
Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. We watch ourselves. We regularly check our behaviors and attitudes. We ask ourselves perhaps at the end of the day, what we did right and what not-so right. If we were wrong, we say so. We know when to say "I was wrong, I'm sorry" when it's due. she ends with "The moral of this step story is: Dump guilt, if we get some, take care of it immediately.
Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with god as we understood him, praying only for knowledge for his will for us and the power to carry that out - Get quiet, detach, pray, meditate. Whatever it is that you feel brings you closer to your higher power. "god knows where we live" she says. "Ask him what he wants us to do, and then let go". She tells us to become sensitive to how he communicates to us.
Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. - "We will awaken spiritually" because of this program we'll learn to love ourselves and others. We will share our experience, hope, and strength with others who are suffering.
Working the Program:
This would be FORVER long, even condensed. Here's the copywrite friendly link to read the whole thing:
Codependent no more: how to stop ... - Google Books
So basically, she went through what Alanon is like and what the meetings are like. How important they are! I am hoping that we who have gone to Alanon and have worked a 12 step program, can relate our own experiences. This could be a very enlightening thread!
Her final words in this chapter: "Go (to meetings) until you see the boat and the oars and you get happy. Go until the magic works on you. And don't worry - if you go long enough, the magic will work".
The chapter then has the following for us to review:
Alanon, is it for you?
Al-Anon - Is it for you?
Progression of a codependent personality (checklist), Adult Children of Alcoholics Steps & Are you an eating disorder codependent"
Codependent no more: how to stop ... - Google Books
Activities:
1.) Read over the above informative suggested readings
2.) If you are a candidate for any of the programs, look for meetings by calling the hotlines or try going to the following websites:
Alanon and Alateen:
Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen
Adult Children of Alcoholics
Welcome to Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.
Alcoholics Anonymous:
Alcoholics Anonymous :
Okay, this was another hard chapter. I hope I did it some justice!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: FL
Posts: 194
Originally Posted by Alizerin 
Synopsis:
Melodie explains here that she "unabashedly loves twelve step programs". Alcoholics Anonymous, Alanon, Alateen, Alatots (never heard of that one! Yes, for tots) etc... The programs help people to live contented lives. The steps are a way of life. The steps for codependents follow the Alanon program. They are as follows:
Melodie explains here that she "unabashedly loves twelve step programs". Alcoholics Anonymous, Alanon, Alateen, Alatots (never heard of that one! Yes, for tots) etc... The programs help people to live contented lives. The steps are a way of life. The steps for codependents follow the Alanon program. They are as follows:
"We admitted that we were powerless over others--that our lives had become unmanageable."
The rest of the steps are identical to the original 12-steps of AA.
Here's the official link to CoDA for those who are interested:
Welcome: CoDA Home Page
I watched the movie but since alcohol(ism) has not been part of my experience, I had a hard time relating to what was shown. And probably why I have a hard time relating to others when I attend Al-Anon meetings (due to no CoDA meetings nearby.)
I agree, this is a spiritual program. Not a religious one. I'm not and never have been religious. But I have always been a spiritual person. And my spirituality has grown tremendously since I started my 12-step journey. Curiously, it was through 12-steps that I actually figured out I was agnostic. And they work just fine for me!
Ali, you did a great job with this chapter!
I was getting worried that the birds might show up!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Well, Alizerin, it looks like it's just the three of us!
And to be honest, I am more compelled by the early chapters than the later ones, too.
Why?
Well, for me, it is easier to be validated. In the early chapters Melody says, "you probably are feeling this, this and the other. It hurts."
YES! YES! You understand me! I feel desperate for validation.
In the later chapters, she says, "do this, this, and the other"
Ohhhhh! That's hard work! I don't WANT to! You mean I have to stop being upset and sitting on my hiney and change MYSELF? AHHH!
Not to mention, the whole 12 steps are here (wow, that's a lot!)
And maybe people feel proselytized to about 12 step meetings? Don't know.
So, here we are.
~~~
And the steps?
Step 1 is so huge (in a good way). She says, "My denial, my bargains, my efforts to control, my rescuing, my anger, my hurt, my grief propelled me to this place...When will I learn to quite fighting lions?" And that's it, isn't it? How many times have a had to read, "You can't change him. You can't change him. You can't change him" on this board (written to my own posts and to others)?
So many times.
The loop of "Idon'tlikethis...maybeIcan...maybehewill..." is endless and fruitless, yet so seductive. I wonder if I perfer it because it requires no action - no work.
Letting it go is something. Sometimes I feel like I have a MONSTER of a fight in me working to hold on to the endless loop.
Other times I can shift with one breath.
~~~
I don't do the traditional God idea. My HP is the greater Universal Wisdom. There is the small me that fears and clings and the greater me or the Deeper me that is in ease and trust and freedom. That's the voice I try to trust and release into.
~~~
In practice, I got hung up on 4. Overwhelmed by my own stuff. (Just like my husband didn't want to listen to me saying I was afraid of him being an alcoholic? LOL! Yep! JUST like that except I am avoiding myself only)!
I need to get back on the horse.
~~~
Progression of a Codie:
* born in a dysfunctional family and learned to "care" to find self worth
* failed to cure parents so will cure others
* finds overdrinker who is "needy" so controls
* Begins doubting own perceptions and wants to control drinking/expression to show decisiveness (ewww)
* makes pleas/threats
* judges self
* attempts to control (emotionally)
* shows anger/disappointment re. the overdrinker's/undercommunicator's promises
* takes pivotal role in communications
* fights
* appears angry much of the time (from what he says)
* becomes sick and tired of being sick and tired
I am in the right place. I have that much clear!
ps thanks for continuing to put so much energy into the book study!
And to be honest, I am more compelled by the early chapters than the later ones, too.
Why?
Well, for me, it is easier to be validated. In the early chapters Melody says, "you probably are feeling this, this and the other. It hurts."
YES! YES! You understand me! I feel desperate for validation.
In the later chapters, she says, "do this, this, and the other"
Ohhhhh! That's hard work! I don't WANT to! You mean I have to stop being upset and sitting on my hiney and change MYSELF? AHHH!
Not to mention, the whole 12 steps are here (wow, that's a lot!)
And maybe people feel proselytized to about 12 step meetings? Don't know.
So, here we are.
~~~
And the steps?
Step 1 is so huge (in a good way). She says, "My denial, my bargains, my efforts to control, my rescuing, my anger, my hurt, my grief propelled me to this place...When will I learn to quite fighting lions?" And that's it, isn't it? How many times have a had to read, "You can't change him. You can't change him. You can't change him" on this board (written to my own posts and to others)?
So many times.
The loop of "Idon'tlikethis...maybeIcan...maybehewill..." is endless and fruitless, yet so seductive. I wonder if I perfer it because it requires no action - no work.
Letting it go is something. Sometimes I feel like I have a MONSTER of a fight in me working to hold on to the endless loop.
Other times I can shift with one breath.
~~~
I don't do the traditional God idea. My HP is the greater Universal Wisdom. There is the small me that fears and clings and the greater me or the Deeper me that is in ease and trust and freedom. That's the voice I try to trust and release into.
~~~
In practice, I got hung up on 4. Overwhelmed by my own stuff. (Just like my husband didn't want to listen to me saying I was afraid of him being an alcoholic? LOL! Yep! JUST like that except I am avoiding myself only)!
I need to get back on the horse.
~~~
Progression of a Codie:
* born in a dysfunctional family and learned to "care" to find self worth
* failed to cure parents so will cure others
* finds overdrinker who is "needy" so controls
* Begins doubting own perceptions and wants to control drinking/expression to show decisiveness (ewww)
* makes pleas/threats
* judges self
* attempts to control (emotionally)
* shows anger/disappointment re. the overdrinker's/undercommunicator's promises
* takes pivotal role in communications
* fights
* appears angry much of the time (from what he says)
* becomes sick and tired of being sick and tired
I am in the right place. I have that much clear!
ps thanks for continuing to put so much energy into the book study!
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