My AH is going to rehab Monday...need advice, please :)

Old 04-24-2010, 02:05 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 16
My AH is going to rehab Monday...need advice, please :)

So my husband has been on a very downward spiral since I left in December. He's a wreck, he's gotten to the pointwhere he's failed to show up for work for the past two weeks. He called yesterday and said he's ready to go to rehab. Very fortunately, my aunt is the director of a rehab facility that is covered by our insurance. He has called his clients and told them the truth and we've got it set up to check him in on Monday and he says he'll stay as long as they recommend. I'm crossing my fingers that that's the truth.

I know it's his responsibility, but I would like to help him figure out his bills for the next month. Does anyone have any experience dealing with creditors, landlords in this situation? I'd like to try to get him out of his lease if possible and maybe get a deferral on his other bills. Is it just best to be honest?

I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, I know this may not work but I hope that it does. Thanks so much for any advice...
HopelessWife is offline  
Old 04-24-2010, 02:10 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
My advice is, let him figure out his bills for the next month himself and busy yourself with YOU.
Learn2Live is offline  
Old 04-24-2010, 02:22 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 16
Removed
HopelessWife is offline  
Old 04-24-2010, 04:41 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Recovering Nicely
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
((((Hopeless wife))) I totally agree w/learn2live. I know it sounds cold and callous, especially when you AH wants the help, but having been there, done that with my RAH and daughter, you need to leave it to them to do the work. Think about it, rehab is easy. I know they don't make it sound like it, but hey, if you could go away for a month, talk to counselors and in groups all day about what a mess your life has become, and walk away with the tools to handle life on life's terms, wouldn't it be great!!!! but A's make it sound like it's torture!!! Oh, poor them, and you don't know what they have to go thru.... well what about what you've had to go thru???? If it were me (and it was) let him do the work and you work on you. JMHO.
queenteree is offline  
Old 04-24-2010, 05:27 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
peaceful seabird
 
Pelican's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
You posted this 3 weeks ago:

I am at the end of my rope with my AH. I thought moving away with our son would knock some sense into him. It seems to have done the opposite. He's been drunk every day that he's not working, just a complete wreck. I don't know what's wrong with him. The doctor gave him an anti-depressant and he's been drinking Vodka with it, which has caused all of these hallucinations/paranoia.

It's not even my husband on the phone. I called him earlier and one of his friends picked up the phone and said he came to get my AH out of the house so that they can go to a party. It must be SO nice to be going to a party on Saturday night. That used to be me...a few years ago, living in SF, I was much thinner then, I had friends, I had a job I loved. On a night like this I'd be out having fun. Do you know how long it's been since I really relaxed and had fun? I don't think I've ever gone to a party/bar with my husband and not felt sick with worry the entire time.

Here I am on Saturday night tucked into bed with our 2-year-old watching Sprout while his daddy is out at a party. How did my life come to this? I am sick of it. He keeps saying he wants to get a place down here to visit us on the weekends and work on being a family. But I just can't live with him. I look at my little boy and I think of how great it is when his daddy is sober and they spend time together. And how I wish I could give him a 2-parent home like I intended. I feel like I failed him big time when I married someone knowing they had alcohol issues. If I had only known it could get this bad. He's drunk every day for the past 2 weeks...Vodka at 11AM. Maybe my leaving him didn't help him but it's what I had to do. Now maybe he'll never get treatment.


Then later that same day:

I'm crying a lot tonight! The response I got when I called to check on him was "F*C* OFF!!!!" And it just hit me, I don't want to spend one more day being treated this way. I'm a GOOD mom. I love my son more than anything. And I've always loved, supported, taken care of my husband. But if he think's I'm going to remain the punching bag, he's wrong. How can he respect someone who takes that crap from him?

My sis and I went and planted trees last Saturday with a Voulunteer organization. It felt wonderful. Time to work on me, and having fun with the little guy, giving him the best that I can. I'm done worrying about someone who actually just threatened to divorce me because I called the police to check on him during one of his drinking sessions.


I agree with the other posters. Let him handle his financial and legal affairs all by his big, grown-up self. Time to stop taking care of your husband.
Pelican is offline  
Old 04-24-2010, 07:41 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
coffeedrinker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
you left because you wanted some sanity. you wanted to protect your tender son, and yourself, from the world of hurt that was waiting for you in your own home.

now your husband has had a moment of clarity. but i think that if too much is handed him, in the way of assistance, greasing the skids for his new life, that it just backfires. it's not scientific, or anything i can even articulate very well, but i've seen that happen more than once - it's like the consequences of their actions -- if they weren't painful enough to really change their life, they don't really change their life.

hands off. keep building your safe life with your son. perhaps he will turn things around and then you can think about being a family again. it sounds like he wanted to do a little something when you first moved, now he realizes he needs to do a little more. but the reality is he needs to do a lot more.
coffeedrinker is offline  
Old 04-24-2010, 08:02 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
today4me
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
Continue as you are and keep moving forward. What you are doing (letting him be) is working for you and for him. Nothing comes easy and there is still alot of work. Let him figure things out. You still love him and he knows that. You don't have to hold his hand.
tpen is offline  
Old 04-24-2010, 08:19 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
get it, give it, grow in it
 
Spiritual Seeker's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Without taking on any of his debt or cleaning up any wreckage from his addiction, in my opinion I would step in and do the little things with his immediate financial situation to help it get stalled like you thought of.
Making phone calls or helping him figure out his insurance to get them to pay for rehab. may be beyond him at this point in time,. Luckily, what he is capable of is getting help.
Once he is stable he can then take back his responsibilities.

He is willing to go inpatient and work on his addiction, it is okay to let that be his sole focus for awhile so he has a chance at recovery. If he is the father of your child
you hope he gets well whether you go back to him or not.
Do what feels right.
Go to al-anon for yourself.
Spiritual Seeker is offline  
Old 04-24-2010, 08:30 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 93
I agree 100% with previous posts. I think you need him to take charge of his own responsibilities. If you weren't here...he would have to. The more people he tells, the more he is accountable for his actions, whatever they may be.

AH should tell his landlord, etc. the situation and deal with what is to come. You can't protect him and you can't baby him. He is an adult.

Recently I've been in the same situation...wanting to help STBEX but 'detaching' because I've been disappointed too many times. I've put too much energy into fighting his battles for him when he should have been fighting them himself. If he really wants the help and is true to following through with treatment, he'll find a way...as well as the 'compassion' and understanding from others who are also willing to help in his treatment.

Best of luck to you...when you feel you need it...come to SR. You'll get the support you need to stay strong.
rdy4change is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:28 AM.