Learn2Live

You have to teach yourself how to BE WITH yourself. Then you will no longer feel lonely when you are alone. Of course you will be able to "find" someone else. And actually, it is when you become so comfortable being with yourself that you don't NEED someone else to be with that you are able to LET GO of the worry about whether or not you will find the "right" person and that's when the "right" person shows up. Hope this makes sense. My point is, the sooner you get comfortable being alone, the sooner you are able to let go of your worry and fear about finding the right person, the sooner the right person will show up. Sounds mystical and magical but it's not. Time to get started

Kittyboo

Learn, well said.
I can say I certainly am comfortable with being "alone". I've been alone my entire life; lived alone, never had a "real" relationship. And undoubtedly one of the reasons I clung to this one so much and why it was so devistating to me to lose. It was the first one that seemed REAL to me.
Turns out it wasn't.

What I am trying to do is learn how to find happiness within myself and not look for someone else to complete me (ooohhhh...the missing piece!lol) Especially not look for it in a man...this is most definitely been one of my problems throughout my life.
I do want companionship, I want someone who wants to do things with me who I want to do things with too. But I understand that sacrificing my emotional needs just to have that is NOT EVER worth it.

Learn2Live

Many people have said, and continue to say, that what completes a human being is their spiritual life. That no other human being can complete you. Many people have also said that addiction is a spiritual disease. These things make sense to me now because I finally started working on my spiritual life just the last year or so, thanks to an old friend who is an alcoholic and addict who came back into my life and I tried to "help." See, so our Higher Power delivers these people and these opportunities to us to help us become the most well-rounded people we can; we get personal life lessons delivered to us in the form of other human beings and the challenges they bring us. Don't miss out on those opportunities

Kittyboo

I am working on my spiritual life as I type!!! So true. I'm actually currently doing a research essay on spirituality and God. Surfaced out of my own search for it....and thanks to my relationship with my XA. Soooo true!

wanting

I regret that I DIDN'T leave...a year ago when I wanted to. He begged, cried, promised, pleaded, etc. so that I wouldn't leave. I've been through hell since then. Most of you know my XH had an affair with my friend and left me for her. It hurts me to think of where I'd be today if I had just left when I first wanted to. But I guess it's all part of my journey, and now I know when I want out of something, I'm out.

transformyself

I"m not seeing one person confess to missing their A after a substantial period away. Interesting. I too am relieved and excited to see what I can do on my own. It's lovely.

RollTide

If I had it to do over I would do it sooner. The farther away I get from his drama the happier I am. Life is good now.

stella27

I am not sorry. The longer I am away (8 months now), the more I see the positive changes in the children's behavior, the more stable and peaceful our home and our schedule, the kinder our voices to each other, the more authentic our fun times...

it's bliss.

I do miss:
someone to change the outdoor light bulbs
someone to fill up my car and put air in my tires
Having another set of eyes to watch the baby

but that's about it. None of it worth staying for.

BuffaloGal

I threw out my aexh, I regret it. Our marriage counselor said the marriage could be saved; maybe it could, maybe not. I'm sorry I acted in anger, it was a stupid thing to do. I was motivated by the desire to strike back.

He told me to divorce or not was a decision we should have made together, and I've come to realize that he was right. Of course, his decision to act on his addictions no matter how it affected me figured into my choice to leave the marriage. It went both ways.

However, that regret hasn't prevented me from having a happy and fulfilling life on my own.

queenteree

I didn't leave him, he left me. Boy, was I upset, I should have been the one to leave after all these years and things he did. He cleared out his IRA, the bulk of our retirement, left me with a stack of months overdue bills (that I was not aware of) ... but I made it thru it. My son told me "mom, instead of crying over what would have happened eventually, relish in the fact that he is no longer here and you have peace" and he was right. I am now back with him (and he is in recovery for almost 6 mos) , but those 6 mos that he was gone were the best months of my life ... need I say more!

newlife24

I love this! Perfectly said. Couldnt have done it any better. This puts me at peace truly. Thank you so much.

Jess01

I left after 3 -4 months of seeing my ex A. Although not as long as some, it was still a difficult decision. However, I feel sensational and happy about my choice. I didnt realise how much he was brining me down.
I feel like a massive weight has been lifted and Im so much more at peace with myself.

alanonicnov2008

I have moments where I miss little things...then I got on the phone with him today mr. self-absorbed. Wo boy. I can't believe I did that for almost 2 years. He was talking about his 4th step and went on and on about how his parents did this and that to him and that's why he is the way he is...and all I kept thinking is here we are, today you are 40, and you are using every opportunity to avoid connecting with me.

Absolutely no ability to connect.

Another alcoholic I dated could connect verbally, but could not be physically in my presence for any length of time.

Intimacy problems folks. No, I'm not sorry.

PrettyViolets

I did not have any regret leaving the alcoholic. I was just sad to not be able to be there for my best friend, my best buddy. I am human though, and there was only so much I could do. It was more important for me to set boundaries. I was not in love with the alcoholic that drove me crazy. I was love with the sober guy who wanted to be the best he could be, who had a job, who was financially responsible, and who was loyal--I was in love with the guy who was completely there (emotionally and mentally) and knew how to love me.

sparklinbluz

Reading these stories made me realize - there is alot of relationships that could of been healthy and wonderful if it wasnt for that demon called alcoholism - My A left me after a year sobriety to find himself - but I know the love we had for each other down to our souls would of survived if it wasnt for this most destructive disease. All our other problems would of been non existant or easy to commit to working on if not for his lifelong alcoholic road before and after he met me. I always supported him to get better but I am learning now there were things I did that I am seeing now should of been handled differently. I miss my best friend and always will.

CashFan

not me, first hubby (my sons dad) altho Im dreaming heaps about him, no regrets. Hubby number 2, standing by him cos he is so ill, there is no love tho, just duty.

CashFan

Bad for me to say that, yes there was love, but the drinking from both husbands, abuse, mental abuse, but yes, I still love both of them. Leaving first one was good for me, but in my heart, I still love him. Still love current hubby too. Makes me a dumbarse.

Learn2Live

Not sure why we humans put so much weight into our "romantic" relationships. It's kinda' weird if you think about how much we put ourselves through just to keep our emotional attachments to another human being. It is so illogical how we keep putting our hand on that hot stove. The older I get the more emotionally distant I get, the more I think perhaps my "love feelings" are fading into apathy. It's weird too how I've gone from one extreme (clingy, in-love, needing) to the other (independent, self-sufficient, aloof). I KNOW there is a happy medium SOMEWHERE, but for some reason I think I skipped over it. What was it I read, though? That in order to get to INTERdependence, one must go through COdependence first, then INdependence. I am sure that I was Codependent the first 30 years of my life, and have been Independent for 10 years now. I hope it doesn't take too long for me to get to Interdependent because I think that sounds like a wonderful way of relating and I'm kinda' runnin' out of time

NoSpaceCamp

tPen, I don't think you're the odd one out. Let me tell you just a bit about me.

6 months ago I ended my relationship with an active alcoholic and sometimes drug addict. It desperately needed to end and I know it was the right choice.

For a while, I was in heaven. Finally free, he was nothing to me - seeing him was like seeing a friends BF instead of my ex of 9 years. Then, as my isolation and loneliness became apparent, as I realized how little life I had apart from him, he started to look attractive. I re-entered the "where is he / what is he doing / maybe he'll discover how great I am and return as a perfect person to me" thing.

It was then I started al-anon. I have only been going about a week, so I'm not a serene bastion or anything. But... one thing that occurred in this short period of time was that I thought to myself, "well, if I just use al-anon properly, he and I can be together and be *happy* because now I'll have the tools to be happy". I spent a day or two thinking like this. I wanted him back and everything would be great because now I have the magic answer of how to behave.

Then, something reminded me of what it was like. Something reminded me of the hurt, the resentment, the losses - of who he is, and for today, I know I deserve better. But, even now, 6 months after the fact, knowing intellectually this is the right way, I'm literally mere days away from the space you're in - and there is no guarantee I won't be back.

Don't act on it, remind yourself you deserve better, reach out in a healthy way - you have a wonderful life waiting for you, which you can only discover when you let the past go and focus on you.

HoopNinja

Like others I wish I had left earlier. He hurt our family so much and now we are trying to heal and him not being around is making that possible.
My life is more peaceful. I moved into a new house with my 2 kids 2 weeks ago and lived with my sister and her husband for a month before that. Prior to that we were waiting for the house to sell--it took 8 months and during that time STBXAH was allowed in the house from 9-5 every day because he convinced the court he was self-employed and needed to be there. Just his presense was enough to cause tension and stress because he would always be there when we got home.
Within 2 weeks of being at my sister's house I could notice the difference in my kids. The tension and stress was gone because the source of it was gone. No more walking on eggshells. No more, gee will we be able to buy groceries because the money was spent on booze and drugs. No more screaming, fighting. No more drama. I have to say, it is nice to live a peaceful life.