ShockedGF

It's been awhile since I last posted but I do come here often to gain ESH from all of your posts.

My situation hasn't changed much since going NC with exRAB. After receiving the angry and blame shifting email, I cut contact. He used a friends phone to send a single text to me on a day he knew I had an important and nerve racking doctor's appointment - it also happened to be his birthday. It simply said that he was thinking of me and knew everything would be ok. I made the mistake of responding with a "thanks for thinking of me and have a happy birthday" text. Haven't heard from him since - that was almost a month ago. I had been feeling okay until I touched that hot stove again. His lack of response stung and set me back a little. I’ve since realized that NC is serenity for me. That if you keep touching a hot stove, it’s gonna burn.

I've been going to Al anon meetings and reading lots of literature but I'm mostly in observer mode - it's what I'm comfortable with for now, same as on this board. I am feeling stronger but still struggle with episodes of overwhelming anger and deep sadness. They aren’t as frequent as they were and for this I’m very thankful. When I’m in those places, I’ve found that listening to AA speaker tapes helps me somehow. To hear the struggle gives me a sense of compassion for the disease – for him I guess. I listen and wonder if the same types of feelings swirl around in his head. Hell, I wonder if he’s still sober. I realize that his recovery is his business but I do still care about him.

I read all your posts about how a lot of your A’s continue to chase you long after you’ve ended the relationship. I admit that I often wonder why he doesn’t try to contact me. It can add to my sadness when I go there in my head so I replace that thought with thoughts that perhaps he is working his program and respecting my boundaries is a sign of his progress. It makes me feel better in the moment and allows me to move on with my day.

I just want to thank you all for helping me so much. Your experience, strength and hope are invaluable to me and I am beginning to really KNOW that I’m going to be okay. I wasn’t so sure there for awhile.

TakingCharge999

Hi ShockedGF!

A sick part of me also got envious even, because others tried to contact after breaking up and mine went NC.

Then I remembered I was the one who requested NC. And it was something he respects.

Then I saw all of the ones contacted were having a difficult time and more often than not, got sadder, angrier, etc. and I got grateful I got NC from his part. And that I meant it too -FINALLY also after many false starts- and block him and get away from everyone that slightly reminds me of him. Even people who shares his first name LOL.

Now its a blessing he doesn't try to contact me.
Because something horrible is clinging to his shoulders.




Maybe your ex became aware of how much he hurt you and realized the only good thing that he could do for you was get out of your life.

I'm glad your ex is recovering. Mines is probably partying. In any case it has nothing to do with our worth.



That is why its a breakup... its hard to say goodbye, but honestly after a year and a half I know it hurts less to just let go. Its also a sign of love, to let go, let others be free and find their way.

Only God knows what will happen tomorrow meanwhile take good care of you!

coffeedrinker

and sometimes i feel like
"what if he stays sober, and kind of hits his stride pretty soon, where he's just taking off, going full speed ahead with his recovery, making pals, etc etc." i was waiting and waiting for that, and now that i've left, what if THIS is the month, year, or season, that it happens? i think that might sound sick, because of course i want the best for him. but i wanted to be around to reap the rewards of that best.

thanks for sharing, gf. i like the analogy of a hot stove.

tpen

Very good post.....I feel the same. I believe if we want to think positive, we can, and it can better our days. However, it's that internet (satan) that allows some of us to check up on them. Then the mind works its negative magic and wham you feel like crap.

I believe time answers everything. Patience is what I hear from God when I pray to him. I don't know what that means, but atleast he is instructing me. NC - seems to be the best as it sets a course that we control. Not that I want control, but atleast it stops the pattern of fighting every so often.

Ceres

:ghug3

ShockedGF

Coffee I have the same thoughts. I was fantasizing a lot that he's going to get it together and we'd end up living happily ever after. I shared that with a friend at a meeting and she reminded me that when someone shows you who they are, you need to believe them. She told me that of course there was a chance that he'd work a program and become the man I wished him to be but did I really want to put my life on hold for that maybe?

Tpen, been reading your posts and recall having all of the questions and feelings you are having. All I can tell you is with time, it does get easier. I thought I was coming out of my skin the first several weeks but it's getting better every day. I'm doing things I enjoy and not worrying about his drama. With a little distance I've realized that what I miss isn't the him I actually had - it was the guy I wished he'd be.

So for fun this evening I had dinner and saw a movie with a friend. Let me save you all $10 and tell you that The Back Up Plan took up 2 hours of my life I can never get back! Luckily the popcorn, junior mints and company were good!

TooMuchSunShine

Wow ShockedGF I think you are a wise, insightful woman that knows herself well and you're gonna be just fine when it's all said and done ;-)