Do I help get AH into treatment?
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: where the hell am i and what am i doing here?
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Do I help get AH into treatment?
Hello. I'm new to the board, but have been lurking over the past couple of months. First of all, I'd like to thank you all for sharing your stories, struggles, thoughts, advice and experience. You have truly helped me find strength and perspective that has long since been buried beneath layers of denial, sadness, pain, anger and bitterness.
My story is not unlike many of yours. I have been married to an active A for 6 years and we've been together for nearly 13. He has drank during (and before) the entire relationship except for a period of time when we first got together where alcohol was replaced with other drugs. In the beginning, we were both hard partiers, but over the years, I passed through that phase while his drinking and drug use morphed into what it is now. My AH comes from generations of alcoholics and over the years, many times he has broken down, admitting he is an alcoholic, desparate for some kind of help. And over the years, I have been in denial, almost priding myself in my laid back attitude and level of tolerance I had for crazy, wild-haired behavior. But, it has gotten old. We're adults now and have a year old little son. And, I want better. In the past few years I have told myself that I chose this (eyes wide open...because I knew, even if I was in denial), and that I had to live with it. Deep down, I was afraid to address it head on because I knew if I asked him to choose me or alcohol, I wouldn't like his choice. But my little boy did not choose this, and he deserves better. About a year ago, my AH once again, admitted his problem and this time checked himself into detox. He spent 7 days there and was committed to getting a handle on his drinking. I felt like the scab that had formed over my heart over the years was ripped off. It was painful and scary, but I was filled with hope. Sadly, he never followed up on treatment and after about a month, albeit moderately, started drinking again. And since then, our marriage has fallen further apart (we're pretty much roommates) and I have come to the realization that it's not possible for me to work on our marriage while he's still drinking. I can't get past the anger, bitterness, etc. In the meantime, I've gone to a few al anon meetings, went to a few therapy sessions, So, now I'm 1 month into a 6 month timeframe I've given myself to either commit to/learn to live with the facts (I think it was here I read, "If you choose to stay with an alcoholic, accept that he will drink"), or will make the hard decision to leave and break up our family.
So, here is my current dilemna I would like your advice on. Last night my AH had a breakdown. He admitted that he was in real trouble and it was much worse than he was letting on. He was and had been drinking every night for he didn't know how long and was hiding/semi-hiding it...drinking after I went to bed. He doesn't think he can stop. But even more, he doesn't want our son to grow up to be like him, to have to endure the pain he lives with every day. That he would rather kill himself than let that happen. He even went to the point of writing a suicide note.
I have been practicing detachment, and since he had a few drinks before I got home and we started this talk, I didn't react. I didn't know how to react. I simply said he needed help and that I'm not equiped to provide him with the help he needs. That he can't do it alone, but he has to do it himself. I feel like maybe I was cold. And maybe I wasn't providing the help and support he needed, but at the same time, I believe he knows what he needs to do.
So, now what? I want to support him getting the proper treatment, but what does that entail? Do I provide advice, suggestions? Do I do nothing and see what he comes up with? Do I bring it up again? I know if he goes, I can be supportive by taking care of myself and our child, home, business, etc. while he works on getting better, but not sure what to do in the meantime. I want to be supportive in his recovery, but not supportive in his active substance abuse, but I'm not really sure where the lines are. I appreciate any advice.
Thank you for listening.
- SomeoneElse
My story is not unlike many of yours. I have been married to an active A for 6 years and we've been together for nearly 13. He has drank during (and before) the entire relationship except for a period of time when we first got together where alcohol was replaced with other drugs. In the beginning, we were both hard partiers, but over the years, I passed through that phase while his drinking and drug use morphed into what it is now. My AH comes from generations of alcoholics and over the years, many times he has broken down, admitting he is an alcoholic, desparate for some kind of help. And over the years, I have been in denial, almost priding myself in my laid back attitude and level of tolerance I had for crazy, wild-haired behavior. But, it has gotten old. We're adults now and have a year old little son. And, I want better. In the past few years I have told myself that I chose this (eyes wide open...because I knew, even if I was in denial), and that I had to live with it. Deep down, I was afraid to address it head on because I knew if I asked him to choose me or alcohol, I wouldn't like his choice. But my little boy did not choose this, and he deserves better. About a year ago, my AH once again, admitted his problem and this time checked himself into detox. He spent 7 days there and was committed to getting a handle on his drinking. I felt like the scab that had formed over my heart over the years was ripped off. It was painful and scary, but I was filled with hope. Sadly, he never followed up on treatment and after about a month, albeit moderately, started drinking again. And since then, our marriage has fallen further apart (we're pretty much roommates) and I have come to the realization that it's not possible for me to work on our marriage while he's still drinking. I can't get past the anger, bitterness, etc. In the meantime, I've gone to a few al anon meetings, went to a few therapy sessions, So, now I'm 1 month into a 6 month timeframe I've given myself to either commit to/learn to live with the facts (I think it was here I read, "If you choose to stay with an alcoholic, accept that he will drink"), or will make the hard decision to leave and break up our family.
So, here is my current dilemna I would like your advice on. Last night my AH had a breakdown. He admitted that he was in real trouble and it was much worse than he was letting on. He was and had been drinking every night for he didn't know how long and was hiding/semi-hiding it...drinking after I went to bed. He doesn't think he can stop. But even more, he doesn't want our son to grow up to be like him, to have to endure the pain he lives with every day. That he would rather kill himself than let that happen. He even went to the point of writing a suicide note.
I have been practicing detachment, and since he had a few drinks before I got home and we started this talk, I didn't react. I didn't know how to react. I simply said he needed help and that I'm not equiped to provide him with the help he needs. That he can't do it alone, but he has to do it himself. I feel like maybe I was cold. And maybe I wasn't providing the help and support he needed, but at the same time, I believe he knows what he needs to do.
So, now what? I want to support him getting the proper treatment, but what does that entail? Do I provide advice, suggestions? Do I do nothing and see what he comes up with? Do I bring it up again? I know if he goes, I can be supportive by taking care of myself and our child, home, business, etc. while he works on getting better, but not sure what to do in the meantime. I want to be supportive in his recovery, but not supportive in his active substance abuse, but I'm not really sure where the lines are. I appreciate any advice.
Thank you for listening.
- SomeoneElse
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
Hi there SomeoneElse. And welcome!
First off, I think your reaction is fabulous! Mega-full of recovery from the off.
My motto these days is "wait to be asked". Recovery is always more meaningful if we (or they) get there on our own. It's hardly hard to look up about AA or call an insurance company. Well, it might not be easy but it really is simple. And sometimes that hurdle is the difference between coercion and committment.
Don't know if that helps. It would be nice to have a road map, no?
First off, I think your reaction is fabulous! Mega-full of recovery from the off.
My motto these days is "wait to be asked". Recovery is always more meaningful if we (or they) get there on our own. It's hardly hard to look up about AA or call an insurance company. Well, it might not be easy but it really is simple. And sometimes that hurdle is the difference between coercion and committment.
Don't know if that helps. It would be nice to have a road map, no?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,907
Welcome to SR! Glad you found us.
I think you did exactly the right thing. You are right that he has to do it himself and now that he has "come clean" to you about hiding the extent of his drinking, he doesn't have an excuse not to get that help if he truly wants it. Like bolina said, it's not that difficult to get information on treatment or AA or whichever road he chooses to take.
I also like that you gave yourself a six-month timeframe to make your decision on whether or not to leave. That is so much healthier than giving a timeframe to him. You sound like a pretty smart woman and sounds like you will be fine, regardless of the eventual outcome.
I think you did exactly the right thing. You are right that he has to do it himself and now that he has "come clean" to you about hiding the extent of his drinking, he doesn't have an excuse not to get that help if he truly wants it. Like bolina said, it's not that difficult to get information on treatment or AA or whichever road he chooses to take.
I also like that you gave yourself a six-month timeframe to make your decision on whether or not to leave. That is so much healthier than giving a timeframe to him. You sound like a pretty smart woman and sounds like you will be fine, regardless of the eventual outcome.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I think your reaction was right on, cold or not. Don't do ANYTHING for him that he can do for himself. That includes getting him information about rehabs, finding AA meetings, getting a ride to meetings, whatever. If he asks for help with something, make sure it is something he is physically or cognitively incapable of doing himself. "I don't have time," is not a valid reason for not being able to do something.
It is only when we make the effort to help ourselves that we truly grow. If he really wants sobriety, he will go get it for himself. Anything else is just his disease fooling him and those he manipulates.
It is only when we make the effort to help ourselves that we truly grow. If he really wants sobriety, he will go get it for himself. Anything else is just his disease fooling him and those he manipulates.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
what to do in the meantime?
get on with your own recovery.
i don't know how many times i've heard from my alcoholic after a particularly bad session how he was going to get help. that he would quit drinking. that he would go to couples counseling.
but, once i had nursed him back to health and he was feeling better, he just went back on the drink. and the whole cycle would repeat.
take care of yourself. i'll second the advice from l2l above "don't do anything for him that he can do himself".
it's hard, i know, but he's a grown man. surely, he can pick up a phone book and get to AA without your handholding.
get on with your own recovery.
i don't know how many times i've heard from my alcoholic after a particularly bad session how he was going to get help. that he would quit drinking. that he would go to couples counseling.
but, once i had nursed him back to health and he was feeling better, he just went back on the drink. and the whole cycle would repeat.
take care of yourself. i'll second the advice from l2l above "don't do anything for him that he can do himself".
it's hard, i know, but he's a grown man. surely, he can pick up a phone book and get to AA without your handholding.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
i think it is fairly common to fall into a very deep pit - of despair - and come to grips with your alcoholism when, or right after, you've had a hard night of drinking, a big binge, had a consequence, etc. but when the light of day shines, and the head clears a bit, the old behavior comes right back.
so...it's one thing for him to say he's in trouble, and really believe it! it's an entirely different thing, for him to act upon that admission, and do something about it.
you question about finding a rehab:
did he ask that you do that? i know he said he's in trouble, and he's scared out of his mind, but did he say what he's gonna do, or ask you to do something?
so...it's one thing for him to say he's in trouble, and really believe it! it's an entirely different thing, for him to act upon that admission, and do something about it.
you question about finding a rehab:
did he ask that you do that? i know he said he's in trouble, and he's scared out of his mind, but did he say what he's gonna do, or ask you to do something?
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: where the hell am i and what am i doing here?
Posts: 19
Thank you for your encouragement and advice. We haven't talked about any of it today. I just asked how he was feeling and let him know I would listen if he wanted to talk. He said he wasn't up to it and I left it at that. You're all right. He knows where to find AA meetings, detox facilities and a couple of treatment places if he's interested.
@coffeedrinker - "i think it is fairly common to fall into a very deep pit - of despair - and come to grips with your alcoholism when, or right after, you've had a hard night of drinking, a big binge, had a consequence, etc. but when the light of day shines, and the head clears a bit, the old behavior comes right back."
that is so true and I've seen it with him before...actually a few weeks before he went to detox last time. Once he sobered up he said, "oh, I was just being melodramatic", when in reality what he was/is feeling is fear.
And regarding finding rehab. No, he didn't ask. He didn't offer any solutions. (I don't include threatening to kill himself a solution.) I didn't offer anything either. (I don't think). I simply stated that he was right and that he needed help. That his 'trying to stop drinking' and not being able to didn't make him a failure. That his best chance of getting well is to get professional help/treatment. And that there was nothing I could do to make him better.
@coffeedrinker - "i think it is fairly common to fall into a very deep pit - of despair - and come to grips with your alcoholism when, or right after, you've had a hard night of drinking, a big binge, had a consequence, etc. but when the light of day shines, and the head clears a bit, the old behavior comes right back."
that is so true and I've seen it with him before...actually a few weeks before he went to detox last time. Once he sobered up he said, "oh, I was just being melodramatic", when in reality what he was/is feeling is fear.
And regarding finding rehab. No, he didn't ask. He didn't offer any solutions. (I don't include threatening to kill himself a solution.) I didn't offer anything either. (I don't think). I simply stated that he was right and that he needed help. That his 'trying to stop drinking' and not being able to didn't make him a failure. That his best chance of getting well is to get professional help/treatment. And that there was nothing I could do to make him better.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 26
SomeoneElse, I have to agree with all the posts so far, you've got your head on striaght girl and it will serve you well! The only thing I would add, since you have questions about the disease and how recovery works, is to check out and AA meeting and pick up some of the literature but at a meeting you'd be able so "see" what real recovery looks like and recovering addicts are more than happy to remind you you're doing the right things and when you're hearing bs ;-) and they know what they're talking about.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
hello
Welcome to SR. I hope you find the information and support you seek.
once i let go of responsibility for "doing for" and helping my Ex A life became a lot simpler.
I verbalised my personal boundaries, decided what the consequences of violated boundaries were and after 3 cycles ( breaking up reconciling) of being to lenient on the consequences I got tough on myself and stuck to the boundaries. It was like being set free.
Previously I had said i dont want to live with XYZ behaviour but I never followed it up with what action I would do if he didn't respect my boundaries. I read the stickies here and the recommended books and never looked back. Literally
For me leaving him was always better for the kids than living with him as an alcoholic.
Welcome to SR. I hope you find the information and support you seek.
once i let go of responsibility for "doing for" and helping my Ex A life became a lot simpler.
I verbalised my personal boundaries, decided what the consequences of violated boundaries were and after 3 cycles ( breaking up reconciling) of being to lenient on the consequences I got tough on myself and stuck to the boundaries. It was like being set free.
Previously I had said i dont want to live with XYZ behaviour but I never followed it up with what action I would do if he didn't respect my boundaries. I read the stickies here and the recommended books and never looked back. Literally
For me leaving him was always better for the kids than living with him as an alcoholic.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Just wanted to say I agree with everyone, you're doing the right thing.
What I regret the most in my relationship with my AH is always trying to help him sort out his mess, arranging everything when he said he thinks maybe he has a problem and needs to do something about it, every time I'd put myself right down on the floor and did everything he should have been doing himself. In years I've realized by doing his I deprived him of responsibility of taking charge of his own life and well being. And also doing all this, trying to make him understand he has a problem, helping him to solve it, arranging doctors and counselling, I finally realized it is an one actor drama, he was just like a dammy on the stage...
Now I know much better, but unfortunatelly by now he has reached the point that is very likely too late for him. His health is bad, he's still in denial and I don't believe it is likely he'll ever get well.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think it's my fault he is where he is right now, but I'm also aware my helping was everything but a help...
Wish you well.
What I regret the most in my relationship with my AH is always trying to help him sort out his mess, arranging everything when he said he thinks maybe he has a problem and needs to do something about it, every time I'd put myself right down on the floor and did everything he should have been doing himself. In years I've realized by doing his I deprived him of responsibility of taking charge of his own life and well being. And also doing all this, trying to make him understand he has a problem, helping him to solve it, arranging doctors and counselling, I finally realized it is an one actor drama, he was just like a dammy on the stage...
Now I know much better, but unfortunatelly by now he has reached the point that is very likely too late for him. His health is bad, he's still in denial and I don't believe it is likely he'll ever get well.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think it's my fault he is where he is right now, but I'm also aware my helping was everything but a help...
Wish you well.
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