Codie behavior or am I too sensitive?
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Codie behavior or am I too sensitive?
ok, I need some 3rd party (honest) feedback from you guys... and I know you are great at that 
! Sorry for such a long post.
So I've been staying at my friends for the past month. She took me in and wouldn't accept me paying much for living here, as she was still using the guest room/office that I was staying in and had most of her stuff still in the room (I got half the closet for my clothes). So now we decided to make it an official roommate situation (since she needs the money and I need a place to stay) for the next 2 months. She's very clean (nothing wrong with that - it works for me even though I might not be as clean if it was my own apt.) and is very proud of her apt. (it's her first very own apt. and she decorated it really well).
So we agreed that since I'll be paying rent now (not half, half, but I think a fair amount given that my room is smaller), she'd take her desk and office stuff out and will switch it for a dresser she isn't using. The room looks great and she has really nice furniture and an amazing, expensive bed and I am very, very grateful for that, as I hardly have any furniture myself. We also agreed that I will keep my bathroom clean (as in no stuff on the counter, etc) because it is also the bathroom guests will use.
Now to the issue I had. I have been looking for some used furniture the past few weeks, because I'm still thinking I might get my own, small apt. in a few months, if AH won't follow through with getting sober, and in that case I'd need furniture. I told my friend that the few pieces of furniture I have now, I could store at my in-laws, since they offered (and the furniture I have really isn't all that pretty). Then I found a dresser I absolutely love and that looked like it was in very good condition and would match her furniture. I told her about it and she was excited for me, then asked where I would put it. I told her I'd figure it out if I do end up getting it. This morning she wrote me a nice email, saying that she would enjoy having me live here, etc. and at the very end she said that she would prefer it that I didn't bring any furniture into the apt., as the apt. is already fully furnished and that she understands that I may want to bring my own furniture because she was in a similar situation, but what she did then was store it, so she'd prefer me do the same thing (store it).
To be honest, I was a bit irritated after reading her email. BTW I didn't get the dresser today, because someone else was faster than me and bought it before I got to look at it. But I think the reason I was so irritated was that it seemed a little controling. She had told me to be very careful with her furniture (i.e. put little pads underneath vases etc. if I was to put them onto her shelves, so that they wouldn't get scratched)... I completely respect that and don't have a problem with it. BUT I feel that if I'm paying rent then the decision as to what other items I put into the room should be left up to me. Chances are I wouldn't even want another piece of furniture in the room, as it may look crowded, but I would want to be able to make that decision myself and not feel like tiptoeing around her in my own room. Her telling me I wouldn't be able to triggered some sense of: my things aren't good enough for her, this is her room not mine - "her apt. - her rules", and her way is the only right way. Now, I don't think she intended it that way, but that's how it feels to me. BTW, I don't think she ever had a relationship with an addict, but she was in a relationship with an emotionally unstable person a few years ago, in which (from what she's told me) I believe she was acting very codie.
I was thinking of talking to her after work. What are your thoughts? I know I'm hypersensitive right now, because of everything that's going on - and a few years ago I would have probably just brushed it off and it wouldn't have seemed like a big deal - but I have enough resentment and anger in me as it is (because of AH) and would like to avoid adding on to that. I also feel like talking about things that bother me, would be a step forward (voicing my opinion, sticking up for my needs - or am I just acting ungrateful and selfish?). Am I just completely overreacting or is what I'm saying at least making some sense?
! Sorry for such a long post.So I've been staying at my friends for the past month. She took me in and wouldn't accept me paying much for living here, as she was still using the guest room/office that I was staying in and had most of her stuff still in the room (I got half the closet for my clothes). So now we decided to make it an official roommate situation (since she needs the money and I need a place to stay) for the next 2 months. She's very clean (nothing wrong with that - it works for me even though I might not be as clean if it was my own apt.) and is very proud of her apt. (it's her first very own apt. and she decorated it really well).
So we agreed that since I'll be paying rent now (not half, half, but I think a fair amount given that my room is smaller), she'd take her desk and office stuff out and will switch it for a dresser she isn't using. The room looks great and she has really nice furniture and an amazing, expensive bed and I am very, very grateful for that, as I hardly have any furniture myself. We also agreed that I will keep my bathroom clean (as in no stuff on the counter, etc) because it is also the bathroom guests will use.
Now to the issue I had. I have been looking for some used furniture the past few weeks, because I'm still thinking I might get my own, small apt. in a few months, if AH won't follow through with getting sober, and in that case I'd need furniture. I told my friend that the few pieces of furniture I have now, I could store at my in-laws, since they offered (and the furniture I have really isn't all that pretty). Then I found a dresser I absolutely love and that looked like it was in very good condition and would match her furniture. I told her about it and she was excited for me, then asked where I would put it. I told her I'd figure it out if I do end up getting it. This morning she wrote me a nice email, saying that she would enjoy having me live here, etc. and at the very end she said that she would prefer it that I didn't bring any furniture into the apt., as the apt. is already fully furnished and that she understands that I may want to bring my own furniture because she was in a similar situation, but what she did then was store it, so she'd prefer me do the same thing (store it).
To be honest, I was a bit irritated after reading her email. BTW I didn't get the dresser today, because someone else was faster than me and bought it before I got to look at it. But I think the reason I was so irritated was that it seemed a little controling. She had told me to be very careful with her furniture (i.e. put little pads underneath vases etc. if I was to put them onto her shelves, so that they wouldn't get scratched)... I completely respect that and don't have a problem with it. BUT I feel that if I'm paying rent then the decision as to what other items I put into the room should be left up to me. Chances are I wouldn't even want another piece of furniture in the room, as it may look crowded, but I would want to be able to make that decision myself and not feel like tiptoeing around her in my own room. Her telling me I wouldn't be able to triggered some sense of: my things aren't good enough for her, this is her room not mine - "her apt. - her rules", and her way is the only right way. Now, I don't think she intended it that way, but that's how it feels to me. BTW, I don't think she ever had a relationship with an addict, but she was in a relationship with an emotionally unstable person a few years ago, in which (from what she's told me) I believe she was acting very codie.
I was thinking of talking to her after work. What are your thoughts? I know I'm hypersensitive right now, because of everything that's going on - and a few years ago I would have probably just brushed it off and it wouldn't have seemed like a big deal - but I have enough resentment and anger in me as it is (because of AH) and would like to avoid adding on to that. I also feel like talking about things that bother me, would be a step forward (voicing my opinion, sticking up for my needs - or am I just acting ungrateful and selfish?). Am I just completely overreacting or is what I'm saying at least making some sense?
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I think talking to her would only be you trying to change her.
Do I think you should be able to bring a dresser into a room you are renting? Yes.
Am I renting to you? No.
Darn it all!
This is one more lesson that people are just what they are and the power we have is to choose to be around them or not.
Sounds like this place will be good short term for you, but not long term.
Whether she is being controlling or fair, it doesn't feel good to you and that's what counts!
Hugs,
Peace
Do I think you should be able to bring a dresser into a room you are renting? Yes.
Am I renting to you? No.
Darn it all!
This is one more lesson that people are just what they are and the power we have is to choose to be around them or not.
Sounds like this place will be good short term for you, but not long term.
Whether she is being controlling or fair, it doesn't feel good to you and that's what counts!
Hugs,
Peace
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
Thanks for putting it into perspective for me - anvil! I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today - I have the day off and it's the first time since I've moved out that I've been completely alone (no one around at all) for the entire day, so I think everything is just now starting to catch up with me - I'm not feeling all that great today (and make matters worse, yesterday was my last counseling session - so I guess everything just kinda seems to come crashing down).
You are right though - it is her apt. - and this is supposed to be temporary, at least for now (her relatives might come and stay here for a month in June, and afterwards we said we might decide to make it a longer term thing - or not, depending on the situation). I guess, I'm just craving to be myself and it felt like I'm not supposed to. Maybe my expectations of renting out a room are different - a lot of times if you're renting a room, you are able to make it your own - and I guess in a way that is what I'm missing. For example, my mom is renting out my old room (it came furnished, but the girl that's renting from her, moved things around, bought some of her own furniture, etc. So even though she's using all my furniture she is able to organize and decorate as she pleases as long as she doesn't damage anything). BTW, I wasn't suggesting bringing a ton of furniture with me (or putting my own furniture into any of the shared rooms - dining, living room, kitchen). Ha, I know I went back to arguing my case now - I do see where you and my friend are coming from though - gotta keep that in mind - and I guess I'm trying to change and control things that are out of my hands. She stated very clearly what she wants and I can either be ok with it or change the things I have control over (i.e. myself, my situation). Thanks for letting me ramble on here - it helps me see clearer!
You are right though - it is her apt. - and this is supposed to be temporary, at least for now (her relatives might come and stay here for a month in June, and afterwards we said we might decide to make it a longer term thing - or not, depending on the situation). I guess, I'm just craving to be myself and it felt like I'm not supposed to. Maybe my expectations of renting out a room are different - a lot of times if you're renting a room, you are able to make it your own - and I guess in a way that is what I'm missing. For example, my mom is renting out my old room (it came furnished, but the girl that's renting from her, moved things around, bought some of her own furniture, etc. So even though she's using all my furniture she is able to organize and decorate as she pleases as long as she doesn't damage anything). BTW, I wasn't suggesting bringing a ton of furniture with me (or putting my own furniture into any of the shared rooms - dining, living room, kitchen). Ha, I know I went back to arguing my case now - I do see where you and my friend are coming from though - gotta keep that in mind - and I guess I'm trying to change and control things that are out of my hands. She stated very clearly what she wants and I can either be ok with it or change the things I have control over (i.e. myself, my situation). Thanks for letting me ramble on here - it helps me see clearer!
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Originally Posted by FindingPeace1 
I think talking to her would only be you trying to change her.
....
This is one more lesson that people are just what they are and the power we have is to choose to be around them or not.
....
This is one more lesson that people are just what they are and the power we have is to choose to be around them or not.
Ha, I guess I'm the controlling one (or maybe we both are? and that's why things are going the way they are).
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
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Great post, Lotus.
Is it less about the furniture and more about your feelings? Is it that her request made you feel like she feels she is more important than you are? Do you feel dissed maybe?
One thing I have had to learn over the years is when to be quiet and when to confront someone with something. You know the saying, "choose your battles"? This is your FRIEND who offered you her place to stay temporarily, NOT some person whose "Unfurnished Room for Rent" ad you answered off Craigslist or the newspaper.
When I KNOW I am hypersensitive, aggravated, tense, or whatever, I have learned to "go to my room" both literally and figuratively. Sometimes, what this means is, I keep my mouth shut and look for what I REALLY need. It may be that I am hungry, tired, need quiet, or even need a vacation from work. This just happened the other night. I was SO ANGRY at my BF for Lord-Only-Knows-What he was saying and doing that I wanted to explode. He really didn't DO anything to me, he was just trying to live his life the best way he can, and I have had to teach myself how to recognize that even though what he was doing was aggravating the $hit outta' me. So, I got up from the table, finished my dinner in front of the computer, and went to bed and STAYED there until the next morning. It worked. I felt better after getting some down time and some sleep, we did not have an argument or fight, and I did not have to be ashamed of myself the next day for accusing him of anything or for yelling at him for something stupid.
I do not think THIS is the relationship for you to "stick up for" yourself. This is about compromise. I honestly think your feelings were a little hurt and that's what you are upset about, not about sticking up for yourself.
No, I do not think you are acting ungrateful or selfish. Like I said, I think it's something else, that is, hurt feelings.
No, I don't think you are overreacting.
Yes, you are making sense to me.
The way you feel is completely understandable. What I had to teach myself in this situation is to be able to maturely accept what Anvil posted above, and to investigate mySELF and OWN my own feelings, my side of the street.
Take care. Go home and hug your friend. :ghug3
Is it less about the furniture and more about your feelings? Is it that her request made you feel like she feels she is more important than you are? Do you feel dissed maybe?
I was thinking of talking to her after work. What are your thoughts? I know I'm hypersensitive right now, because of everything that's going on - and a few years ago I would have probably just brushed it off and it wouldn't have seemed like a big deal - but I have enough resentment and anger in me as it is (because of AH) and would like to avoid adding on to that.
When I KNOW I am hypersensitive, aggravated, tense, or whatever, I have learned to "go to my room" both literally and figuratively. Sometimes, what this means is, I keep my mouth shut and look for what I REALLY need. It may be that I am hungry, tired, need quiet, or even need a vacation from work. This just happened the other night. I was SO ANGRY at my BF for Lord-Only-Knows-What he was saying and doing that I wanted to explode. He really didn't DO anything to me, he was just trying to live his life the best way he can, and I have had to teach myself how to recognize that even though what he was doing was aggravating the $hit outta' me. So, I got up from the table, finished my dinner in front of the computer, and went to bed and STAYED there until the next morning. It worked. I felt better after getting some down time and some sleep, we did not have an argument or fight, and I did not have to be ashamed of myself the next day for accusing him of anything or for yelling at him for something stupid.
I also feel like talking about things that bother me, would be a step forward (voicing my opinion, sticking up for my needs - ...
...or am I just acting ungrateful and selfish?).
Am I just completely overreacting
or is what I'm saying at least making some sense?
The way you feel is completely understandable. What I had to teach myself in this situation is to be able to maturely accept what Anvil posted above, and to investigate mySELF and OWN my own feelings, my side of the street.
Take care. Go home and hug your friend. :ghug3
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Phew... am I glad I posted here!!!
Thanks L2L! I guess I've gotten used to reacting all the time when I was with AH and I am still learning to first think (analyze why I feel a certain way, look at the situation clearly) and then act! I will take your advice!! All three of your advice! Thank you so much for pointing me in the right direction and helping me analyze my own feelings and behavior!
Thanks L2L! I guess I've gotten used to reacting all the time when I was with AH and I am still learning to first think (analyze why I feel a certain way, look at the situation clearly) and then act! I will take your advice!! All three of your advice! Thank you so much for pointing me in the right direction and helping me analyze my own feelings and behavior!
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I had similar issues with my Ex best friend when I stayed with her temporarily. Initially, I pushed rent money on her as I thought it was appropriate to pay my way and since she had lost her job, I thought she needed the money.
She, too, wanted to control a lot of what I did and was very anxious about my being there.
Eventually, she wanted more money for my living there as her unemployment was running out, but rather than come to me to work something out she demanded I pay up or leave.
I was all to familiar with walking on eggshells and dealing with erratic behavior from my XABF and did not want to continue down that road so I suggested a compromise where I paid through the month what I had been paying and help her prepare the house for a formal renter before leaving.
It wasn't but a couple of days later that she came to me stating she could not handle the situation and I had to leave in the next four days.
I left and haven't spoken to her since.
Looking back, I think I understand our different views over the situation. I viewed the arrangment as my renting a room from her as an individual with needs and purpose in life expecting to have privacy in my own area with my own things and to have respectful use of common areas with the home.
I believe she saw it as keeping a guest in her house that, because of the extended visit, would have to pitch in on the expense to run the house.
I see a great divide there. Her anxiety over having anyone in the home was palpable. I think the idea that a guest was there rather than a renter (to her, meaning a stranger) made it only partly acceptable. Her lack of control over her surroundings was more than she could bear.
Since leaving, I have rented a room-suite in a house. The owner rents out more than one room in the house actually. Mine was only partially furnished. I have my own furniture and belongings here. My pets are here with me. I work, I have friends and family over. I come and go as I pleased. I respect the common areas of the house and help keep things neat and in repair as does the other roommate (well, he's another story). No one comes into my room without an invitation and I don't go into anyone else's.
It is a landlord/renter arrangment with a signed lease. I think it's that relationship that makes it work for me. I'm not a guest oustaying my welcome in someone's space, I'm an autonomous person who shares a home with others.
Just my thoughts.
Alice
She, too, wanted to control a lot of what I did and was very anxious about my being there.
Eventually, she wanted more money for my living there as her unemployment was running out, but rather than come to me to work something out she demanded I pay up or leave.
I was all to familiar with walking on eggshells and dealing with erratic behavior from my XABF and did not want to continue down that road so I suggested a compromise where I paid through the month what I had been paying and help her prepare the house for a formal renter before leaving.
It wasn't but a couple of days later that she came to me stating she could not handle the situation and I had to leave in the next four days.
I left and haven't spoken to her since.
Looking back, I think I understand our different views over the situation. I viewed the arrangment as my renting a room from her as an individual with needs and purpose in life expecting to have privacy in my own area with my own things and to have respectful use of common areas with the home.
I believe she saw it as keeping a guest in her house that, because of the extended visit, would have to pitch in on the expense to run the house.
I see a great divide there. Her anxiety over having anyone in the home was palpable. I think the idea that a guest was there rather than a renter (to her, meaning a stranger) made it only partly acceptable. Her lack of control over her surroundings was more than she could bear.
Since leaving, I have rented a room-suite in a house. The owner rents out more than one room in the house actually. Mine was only partially furnished. I have my own furniture and belongings here. My pets are here with me. I work, I have friends and family over. I come and go as I pleased. I respect the common areas of the house and help keep things neat and in repair as does the other roommate (well, he's another story). No one comes into my room without an invitation and I don't go into anyone else's.
It is a landlord/renter arrangment with a signed lease. I think it's that relationship that makes it work for me. I'm not a guest oustaying my welcome in someone's space, I'm an autonomous person who shares a home with others.
Just my thoughts.
Alice
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