Gina23

This is my first post. I am just like any other ex around here I'm sure, but I'll give you the details anyway... Was in a 7 year relationship with a woman that ended in mid-2008. I didn't understand alcoholism at the time and was brought up very tough-love, so I still don't quite understand that it's a disease. I can hear my parents harping on me that diseases are just excuses for people not wanting to deal with the real world. We don't get sick, we just adapt. The whole time my ex was becoming more and more of an alcoholic I dismissed it as "the easy way out" and thought - this is something she'll get over eventually. Well, she didn't. Bottles hidden all over the house, and the lies... oh the lies. I almost thought I was going crazy. She was in the middle of her medical residency when the addiction took full hold. So, we've been split up for almost 2 years at this point. However, we continued living together until July of 2009. The last year we were living together, albeit broken-up romantically, she went into her first rehab stint. When she came back I had bought a house and moved out. She got her own apartment, not too far from my new house and she started a new relationship almost immediately. I didn't hear from her for 3-4 months while this relationship was hot and heavy. She finished her residency and got her medical license. I thought things were getting better for her and was happy for her... I began to see the dynamic of our relationship was classic co-dependency and educated myself on why things played out the way they did. I still continue to educate myself on co-depency to this day. We didn't talk other than an occasional "hi" for almost 5 months and I began to think we could possbily form a friendship someday.

However, last Christmas she relapsed... and she relapsed big time. She was drinking 5th and 5th of vodka and spent night after night in the ER after falling and breaking her jaw and nose. I went over there to the apartment and seeing blood all over my old furniture was something out of a horror movie or CSI. It was extremely traumatic for me. When she got out of the hospital she went back into rehab. Rehab seemed to be going well - I didn't hear from her for a long while. She got back into Denver last Friday.

She has already relapsed multiple times. She has broken her hand after punching a concrete wall and threatening suicide. I want out. That's all. I want to be far, far away. The co-dependent part of me says "you're such a bad person... walking away from a friend in need... is this what you would want your friends to do to you?" But, the part that has healed just wants to run away. I work full time and am in a healthy dating relationship with a new woman. We live active lifestyles and keep very busy. However, my phone rings. ALL NIGHT LONG. 1 AM, 3 AM, 5 AM. I turn off the ringer, but I have 5 new voicemails by morning. It doesn't keep me up because the ringer is off, but the new woman I'm dating is starting to get frustrated.

I don't know what to do to make it stop. At this point I'm not responding, not answering, not texting, not chatting, nothing. This is the first time I've ever not responded.

What would you do if you were me?

Thanks for any advice.

Thumper

I'd keep not responding forever. I'd also change my phone number.

Ceres

You could file a harrassment report. But Alcoholics are crazy and it might not deter.

Personally, I think she'll get over it. I did this to a man when in my 20's. Eventually we move on to a new "target" as we'll give up when ignored and can't stand being alone. The best thing you can do for her as a caring friend, is to completely let her go.

stella27

You already know that you can't help her, right? Maybe you could write a short letter that says "I wish you all the best, but I am not able to be your primary support in your recovery." and then block her phone number from your phone?

NYC_Chick

I would just continue to ignore her. I broke up with my ex alcoholic boyfriend for good in February, 2009. He had another girlfriend way before that, but continued to try to contact me up through august, 2009. My therapist told me even telling him I did not want to speak to him let him know I was paying attention. She will eventually find a new target. Maybe show the new person in your life this site. Most alcoholics read from the same playbook.

Good luck!

posiesperson

Oh Wow, Gina, I'm so sorry.

I've not been in this exact place but I can still bet good money that until you firmly shut the door and don't open it again, your ex isn't going to get it. I'm sorry she's hurting, but it's not anything you can help her with. I'm sure she's loaded up with all kinds of phone numbers, rehab contacts, AA friends, perhaps a sponsor, etc. for support that she can call if she is ready to get sober for good--even in the middle of the night.

I know it's so incredibly painful to release someone with whom you've shared so much, but this could totally derail your life if you let it. I like stella's idea of writing a short note and then closing the door on it, moving ahead with your new and joyful love.

posie

Gina23

Thanks all, that's what I needed to hear. I will not respond. It really hit home when some of you mentioned "new target"... that makes perfect sense. I'll keep educating myself and reading these boards. So far, they are very helpful. Thanks again all.

Freedom1990

Good for you on educating yourself on alcoholism and codependency both.

My EXAH also continued to pursue/harass me after I left him, but he eventually moved on to someone else, thank God.

With your ex having been through rehab twice, she certainly has the tools for recovery, but has made the choice to not use them.

If nothing else, keep her in your prayers. I did with my EXAH for years.

Gold

Hello welcome to SR
In answer to your question.
If you cant block her number from your phone get a new one.
The relief will be wonderful. You deserve the freedom. So does your new partner.

TooMuchSunShine

I have to agree with all these posts Gina and welcome to SR. If you don't answer anything your new lady should be fine and just be frustrated you're having to go through this, at least that's how I would look at it. I get the bad kind of frustrated when the men I've dated in the past don't have boundaries with crazy women, ex's etc.

A new phone did wonders for me when my XAH was divorcing ME but still harrassing the **** out of me. Believe me you don't want pictures of her and her new man or the nasty comments about how they're so much better off without you once she's found someone new - it made me laugh but it made me sad too and yours sounds like the vindictive kind like mine.

I finally filed a restraining order but just like Alizerin mentioned it can and did make the crazy making with my ex worse. I would only do that if you truly fear for your life. Completely ignoring him did the trick and boy did he try some nasty/scary stuff to get me to respond.

I have this dream, really like a movie I've watched with other characters in it I don't know; my A recovers, years down the road through a series of amusing events he has the opportunity to apologize to me for all that he did and we start a friendship that makes up both happy and we walk off into the sunset, if you will, to a future unknown but bright. But I must STRESS, I don't know the people, they are unknown to me at this time, a possible future of many; I focus on what's right in front of me, MY recovery (everyone who's been with an A needs it I think), treating others the way I would want to be treated and helping where I can.

I wish you the best of luck and welcome to SR. There are many here that are wise, sensitive and willing to help you through the rough patches. I respect you for asking for help and advice.

Learn2Live

Welcome to SR.

It's difficult, I know, because it feels like you are letting someone else down. You have morals and a kind heart, and when you see someone suffering, you want to help them. You THINK you CAN help them. But you know you can't, right? THEIR answers are not for US to find for them.

It is beneficial to understand that if you do what feels naturally like "helping," you are actually hurting the person you love. Each and every one of us (including and especially alcoholics) needs to learn how to stand on our own two feet. We each of us need to learn that WE CAN DO IT, that is, we should and we can take care of ourSELVES. And we need to try and we need to succeed on our own. As a witness, it feels counterintuitive to just stand by and watch someone flailing around like a fish out of water. But we have to trust our Higher Power that he is in control, and that everything is as it is meant to be for our loved one.

It hurts to let go but we have to. Al-Anon helps. Take care of yourself. You are doing the RIGHT thing by not answering.

gmc

My humble suggestion is to have a serious conversation with your higher power and tell your higher power that you are putting your ex in his/hers/it's hands because you cannot carry the burden anymore and you need relief from it.

My mom did something a bit dramatic along these lines: She took my addicted sister into church one day, held her hand, and then told her, "I brought you here to tell you that I am putting you in God's hands and to ask him to watch over you because I can no longer do it".

It was interesting to me because from there on out, my mom really felt as though it was no longer in her hands. I am not saynig do something drastic like this, but maybe a frank conversation with your higher power about your need to turn her over might help!