KittyP

Hi, I'm new here and from reading through some of the threads I guess I'm in a semi-decent place compared to a lot of the posters. The background is that my husband of 4 years (together 8) is an alcoholic who has just started feeling his way around recovery. He has pretty much always had a drinking problem but it basically got worse year after year. For a long time we were both able to explain it away by deciding I was paranoid because I wasn't much of a drinker, but when I lost a baby (our first) a couple of years ago the extent of his problem became clear. For years I'd been carrying him, cleaning up after him, putting him to bed when he passed out, making excuses for his drunkenness to our friends. But once I was too sad to do all that for him it quickly became clear how bad his behaviour had become. After a couple of months and a particularly awful christmas period I told him he needed to face the fact that he had a problem and that I was so serious I wasn't willing to try for another baby until he dealt with it. Luckily a couple of our friends had also become concerned about his drinking that christmas and decided to talk to him about it too, so that backed me up.

Initially he tried to quit, but kept failing and became a really nasty person at times. He was always attempting to start arguments in order to justify his drinking binges. He would go through a nasty withdrawal and as soon as the worst of the sickness would pass he would knock back a litre or two of neat vodka. After a while I left and stayed away for a few months until he faced up to the fact that he had a serious problem and saw a doctor and got a counsellor. Once he did that I moved back home.

Since then it's been a long hard road. Unfortunately the counsellor he had initially was awful. Switching from vodka to beer was one of her solutions. My overall impression was that she was quite an enabler and no good at handling such a serious problem. After that he got referred to a psychologist who specialises in alcoholism through his doctor who was great. Unfortunately two days after his first appointment with her he took a prolonged accidental overdose of paracetemol and suffered liver and kidney failure. Which saw him in the ICU and on dialysis, luckily he has suffered no long-term damage but it was an absolutely terrifying time.

Since then he's been up and down. He applied for a job in our home country, which he got and decided to move home. He has told his family and a number of our friends about his drinking and has done a residential detox. While he was in detox I moved us back here so he could just pack his bag and get the plane straight home. Unfortunately the volcano in Iceland put paid to that idea and he had a long train and ship journey during which he forgot to take his medication, Camperal, and he got off the ship drunk. For the last few days he's been well and is now on his way back from a new doctor his gp here has referred him to. I'm not sure if it's a psychiatrist/psychologist/other.

But the thing is I feel broken. I feel that for the last two years I've just been dealing with crisis after crisis. (My grandmother died, one of our dogs lost a leg and I've been in hospital in this time too.) I don't feel I've had time to deal with one issue before getting hit with another. I've just moved our entire lives from another country by myself and I'm exhausted. And in the last few days he keeps pointing out things which I forgot to pack or he can't find and I want to punch him. I'm terrified he will arrive home drunk in a few minutes, especially as he is driving and we have plans to go to a garden centre once he gets back which means I have to get into the car once he arrives. I'm shaking at the prospect, I don't want to make him feel like he's back in detox but I seriously want to ask him to take a breathalyser test before I see him drive.

I'm just so very tired. A sympathetic friend mentioned that the next few months will be really hard and I just want to run away from it. I literally feel as if I have nothing left. Yet I know that the best way to help him recover is to ease him into a normal sober life. I keep telling this to his friends and family (especially his mum, who is making this all about her) but I'm not sure I have the ability to be normal right now. I want to cry all the time, or just sleep for a month. And I'm so frightened that we aren't on the end stretch at all.

bookwyrm

From what I've read, the best thing for his recovery would be for you to let him be an adult, responsible for his own choices and dealing with the real world. Cushioning him from life is enabling, something we codependents are very good at. No wonder you're tired, being responsible for 2 adults!

Have you read through the sticky posts at the top of the forum? There is a huge amount of information and experience there. I found them really eye opening. Another recommendation I'll make is the book Co Dependent No More by Melody Beattie.

It really does sound as if you need to take the focus away from him and start looking at you. What do YOU need right now? Maybe getting a check up by a doctor would help? I was referred to counselling by my GP and it has helped me enormously. Can you take a break and stay with family or friends - even if it is just to spend a week sleeping?

Stick around and keep posting.
:ghug3

Freedom1990

Active alcoholism sucks the life out of everyone in its path.

I felt broken for a long time, even after I left my EXAH.

The problems was I never addressed my broken-ness, and I repeated the same pattern over and over with different men.

It isn't your job to 'ease' him into sobriety.

I also speak from the side of a recovering alcoholic, and when I got out of rehab, I found myself the single mother of an 8 year old and the sole provider.

I was on foot because my parents had taken my car (and rightfully so), and by God, I found a job within a week of being out of rehab.

I walked to work every day for a month until I got my car back. I paid my bills and took care of my daughter.

There was no 'easing' me into sobriety.

It was up to me to be active in my recovery, and to be a responsible productive member of society.

I am also the mother of an active addict/alcoholic, and I do her no favors by trying to make things easier for her....been there, done that, got that t-shirt and I will do that no more.

She's an adult.

I no longer live with active alcoholism in my home.

I no longer engage with unhealthy men.

I am no longer willing to be sucked dry from someone else's disease.

You have a right to peace of mind.

You have a right to take care of yourself, and let the other adults take care of themselves.

I hope you continue to post, and know you are among friends! :ghug3

coffeedrinker

welcome to sr!

i think you will know instantly, or soon, if he has been sober. i didn't get why because he missed his med, he was drunk? he missed his medication, so he decided to have a few drinks??

sounds like the detox just got him off alcohol for a few days, but nothing really changed. i hope this isn't the case. just take care of yourself, do a lot of reading, make your own good friends, and keep coming here.

gmc

Take care of yourself. I hope everything turned out as well as it possibly could (within your circumstances) when he got home. I wish you wisdom and discernment and after that, peace and serenity.

Gabby

Kassie2

Welcome,

I can't add much to what has already been said. This IS TOUGH for all, but not a time to make decisions outside of keeping yourself safe and as well as possible.
I wanted to let you know that there is a Friends and Family meeting on Sat nites at 9 p.m. EDT and there is an a chat room for F&F as well (alano room) There are a few ways to get someone to talk to in real time vs these forums.
Go into chat and ask if anyone would talk to you in F&F or PM someone who posted on your thread perhaps you could ask in advance and finally I have just put a thread out asking someone to meet me there who is online now.
This is new support for F&F and has been wonderful for the worst of days and nights.

I also emphases what is said about reading available at the top of the forum called Stickies.