naive

ok catkill. i'll tell you the secret.

what i would have liked from my alcoholic would have been:

1. that he recognized the trauma i suffered thru his drinking

2. that he made amends, perhaps through a letter. i wouldn't need this over and over again, but one sincere letter recognizing the baby he abandoned, the cheating, the violence, the heartache watching him suffer, the lies

3. i would want him to state to me that he understands that trust is earned and then go about earning it by being honest and vulnerable

4. i would like if he romanced me through thoughtful actions

5. i would like it if he made a real effort to establish new activities that we could do together, such as hill walking or gardening or tennis. then, i would like it if he did those things rather than just promise it.

6. i would like him to write a no contact letter to anyone who he slept with behind my back and show it to me and we could post it together

7. i would like it if he went to counseling once a week with me, to address my resentment and anger at everything that has happened

8. i would like it if he did his half of the housework and MORE, to make up for me holding the fort for so long

9. i would like it if he could snuggle in bed, without asking for sex, rather, wait until i was ready again

10. i would want him to pay me back the money he owes me, without my asking for it


see, catkill, a woman is like a flower....they bloom and open up in the right conditions...

be vulnerable, thoughtful, helpful, sincerely sorry and give her ALL THE TIME SHE NEEDS.

naive

catlovermi

My addition to an excellent "laundry list."

You simply cannot shortcut, cheat, trade, or buy trust. You have to earn it. And the law of human nature is that, once trust has been damaged, it's a lot more expensive to earn back.

It. Just. Is.

CLMI

DesertEyes

Ok folks, the original question(s) have been answered several times. Ya'll are starting to repeat yourselves and go in circles. Can we move on to other threads? There's plenty other folks in need of support and experience.

Mike
Moderator, SR

Thumper

That is an individual answer but some clues: Love, hope, responsibility, commitment, children, fear, financial reasons, insecurity, co-dependence.

It is hard to say if they are more important. Perhaps they are part of a life she built in order to cope with the dysfunctional marraige she was in, perhaps she is afraid to give up her other connections because she doesn't trust the promise of what her 'new' marraige might be, maybe there are other things going on. We don't know her, it is impossible to say for her specifically.

.

It may be more about not trusting the change. Fear of putting all our eggs in a basket that historically has resulted in nothing but fear, loss, and pain is a powerful thing. Our alcoholic partners spent years training us that we can't trust them. Most of us learned that lesson well, so well we don't trust them or ourselves.

Security. Emotional safety. Not things you can put in a box and hand her. Have you two discussed marriage counseling? A good counselor, one familiar with addictions, will be worth a million dollars.

To be honest that doesn't really make any sense to me. That is either projection or just something specific to your wife.

Yes, well we all find our own and I may respectfully suggest you don't sound all that peaceful in this thread. I understand the sorrow/frustration at a relationship that isn't going well but your focus is so much on her rather then yourself. My husband was not sober for any length of time so I can't really compare but I think it is safe to say that continuing to focus on yourself, and being true to yourself, your recovery, and your honest feelings is the best way to show your wife what she is missing. Showing your strength is the best way to give her security. Staying on your side of the street is the best way to provide her with emotional safety. If my husband would have done that I would have been eternally greatful.


Control of some sort is almost always an issue.


The secret is to focus on yourself, your recovery, your responsibilities. By responsibilities I mean responsibilities as a recovering alcoholic, a husband, a father, an employee, a homeowner. Be responsible for yourself. Personally, when my husband focused on me, it felt like he was making me responsible for him.

At the beginning of every day, or every morning and afternoon, ask yourself what the right thing is. Do that. Don't confuse the question with wondering how your wife will react - that is manipulation and manipulation destroys emotional safety. Just do the right thing and it will all pan out.

Thumper

Oh yes, sorry - when I started my post yours wasn't there yet.

Summerpeach

Amen, my boyfriend conducted himself in order to kill my trust and he wonders why I don't trust him and refuses to acknolwdge that he did behaves in ways to kill the trust.

Summerpeach

Mike, this is a great thread though, even if the questions were answered, the information in here is great!

ANEWAUGUST

Catkill...I still wonder, and others have asked..do you have a sponsor?

My husband and I were big party people when we first met. Alcohol was at the center of social life. Young, married, doing well, no children...life was good.

What happened years later is that I crossed the line into alcoholism.Genetics, etc., whatever...it happened.

Now..that changed our relationship totally...I was very, very resentful at first at my husband. He could still drink, he wasn't an alcoholic. Almost all of our friends drank...we were presented with many challenges.

First things first...I had to get sober, and learn to live. I had to take the focus off of him, and put it on me.

This is simple program, but, not easy. Our emotions are all over the place. We look at the way our lives were, and are, face alot of questions.

Still...it takes time., and if you are in the program, a sponsor can help you navigate thru these emotions right now.

First things first...work your recovery..don't be a resentful recovering A...
be a respectful recovering A...

Disappointed2

Boy- what I would do to get my husband to be 100% sober for any amount of time- I dreamed of the things we would do, how I would show him I was proud of him, how happy I would be all evening, and how we would move together past the yucky years.
Yes, as a wife I am angry, bitter, in turmoil for his choices and what he's doing to our family, but his drinking is the only thing I hate.
I don't know your entire story, but if your wife was like me....wanted sooooo bad that you would change and get sober, then she should be relieved that you are back to your real self. Marriage is for better and for worse...sometimes we need to go thru the worse stuff first. Good luck- maybe you could check out my first post for advice- this is my first day on any site.
Disappointed2