Wife and I don't speak

Old 04-23-2010, 01:46 PM
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"What are you doing when she is working? Do you contribute. Do you work. Have you used money you earned to buy her a little sane time; a movie, dinner, a Hawaiian cruise. Or are you still at home being a reminder that all her hard earned pay is going to feed and house a disease?"

I Do understand what you are saying and yes every situation is different. I have been working all along. I took medical leave to go to treatment and went back to work when I got back. I get home from work, grab a quick bite to eat and go to a AA meeting. I am lucky if she is home by the time I get back home from the meeting..and yes there is always something for her to eat. Even when I was drinking, I came home from work, cooked, cleaned you name it. When I got done, I sat and drank til she got home and dinner was ready.

No I am not making an excuse, yes I know I caused a lot of pain. I understand that all should not be "peachy". But the anger goes beyond me. She shows it at work, with her dad and especially at me. There are deeper problems than just me.

Sorry if I caused any anger with anyone...
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Old 04-23-2010, 01:55 PM
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You don't get the anger, Scott? Really? What does your sponsor say when you tell him that?

I take it you don't understand the "givens" thing, either..... Not to mention the fact that you were unavailable when you were drunk and now unavailable because you are out at meetings. Yes, it sucks, but is much more of a sucky situation for her.

There's no quick fix. I take it you have gone over this in your recovery in relation to your drinking behaviors. Same applies here. Except you've also got a real live human being to deal with.

Some of you guys on here sound like you don't like your wives much anymore. Why is that they were good enough for you to allow them to hold the fort whilst you got on with whatever it was you had to do when you were drinking and now you have no patience for them?
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Old 04-23-2010, 01:58 PM
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One day at a time Catkill. Focus on YOU, your sobriety, your recovery. Let Go and Let God. Breathe. It is an ugly dynamic, yes, in the alcoholic marriage so try not to repeat it and have patience, be patient, be kind. Stay on your side of the street; let her clean her own side. Keep going back.
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Old 04-23-2010, 02:19 PM
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Scott and Catkill....boy, do I know and feel the emotions you are describing...but,
these would best be answered by other recovering alkies.

Catkill..you refer to your wife as a controlled drinker..it almost sounds as though you are jealous that she can drink...or can control it...and is not an alcoholic. My hubby drinks, but, he isn't an alcoholic. I had to get sober, and work my program, remembering that I am powerless of alcohol, mine, his, everyones. I am also powerless over people, places and things.

In Al-Anon we are taught the three C's...we didn't create it, cause it, and we can't control it. Just think , that is the way our loved ones have come to grips with our drinking...they are processing all of that, and poof, we want them to give us a break?

Time....things I must earn, IMHO is the biggest factor in healing....5 or 8 months is wonderful in recovery terms for the alcoholic and should not be dismissed. But, our validation for lack of a better word comes in our recovery rooms. To the loved one/non-alcoholic..that is blip on the timeline of their lives of recovery..
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Old 04-23-2010, 03:32 PM
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Thank you for this thread. I have learned much.

I used to post the same question here and in the AA forum, that's a great suggestion from the poster above. To see both sides of the dance.



How does it feel when you love life and want to share it, yet your partner is unavailable?

How does it feel when you say "hello honey" and you get nothing?

How does it feel to expect normal things from a partner yet get nothing?

How does it feel to have any efforts ignored?

How does it feel to want to embrace spontaneity yet have to wait?

How does it feel to face these feelings without any substance to hide or forget them?



What an irony, it seems you are now tasting how life has been like for her.




I wish you all the best in your journey and hope you keep recovering.
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Old 04-23-2010, 03:37 PM
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I'm confused. Who is the controlled drinker? Cat or Cat's wife?

The original post is from a recovering alcoholic with questions about his wife. So who is the controlled drinker?

I am a recovering alcoholic and a recovering (ex) spouse of an alcoholic. I understand what it means to be the alcoholic in a marriage and what it means to be married to an alcoholic.

Have you tried calling your wife by her name instead of general nicknames like sweetie or honey? I prefer to be called by my name. It is respectful. Terms of endearment are okay if there is a bond of intimacy and trust.

Have you tried to cut back on your joking with your wife? I prefer to be spoken to in an adult manner. Jokes are for cutting up. It is passive behavior to say everything with sarcasm and it is insulting to have every comment followed by "I was just kidding". I like the simple rule that I learned here at SR:
Say what you mean, mean what you say but don't say it mean.
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Old 04-23-2010, 03:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Catkill23 View Post
So if I'm hearing correctly, after 1 year the controlled drinker of the family can say Hi and have a good day. Or is it Hi for the 356th day for some time, And have a good day sometime after that? Also what day would it be to get response to hello sweetie, when she calls? Not trying to sound like an ass, but just would like the timeline.
Did you give her a timeline when you were being a hurtful alcoholic?
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Old 04-23-2010, 03:58 PM
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My perspective, having been married to an alcoholic for 18 years:

Being married to an alcoholic is like living life in a constant state of anxiety. You never know what's going to happen. You're always trying to prepare for the next crisis, anticipate the next emergency, prevent the next disaster, or clean up the latest mess. Hypervigilance is what my therapist called it.

While I was spending all my time sticking my fingers in the dike trying to prevent the flood, I was building up a huge amount of anger and resentment. However, I had no time to deal with it because I was on constant alert, not to mention taking care of all the responsibilities of TWO people, because he was taking care of zero of them. So, all that anger got stuffed down and buried in favor of just surviving.

So, I think at some point, it all has to stop. Whether the alcoholic gets sober, leaves, or dies--or the spouse leaves, the crises eventually end. THEN is when I finally had a chance to stop and breathe. And what did I find when I did? All that anger I had been stuffing! Man O' man, there was a lot of it, too. It came rushing right back like a tidal wave. In fact, for some time, it was more like intense, burning rage, than just merely anger.

It took me a good long time to work through all of that, and I have to say, if he had been pushing me to let it go and pretend like things were just fine, it would have only made it worse.

L
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Old 04-23-2010, 04:08 PM
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Even though this isnt my thread, I just wanted to thank EVERYONE for their shares. Since I was the crazy wife rejected by the A and replaced now this gave me so much comfort. I have guilt about how angry I was but this helps so much knowing it happens to a lot of us. And what little contact we have he always refers to me as being crazy and it hurst me. Too bad my AH couldnt stick with his recovery and believe in our marriage and believe in me. He is missing out on a good thing now that I am in recovery..I hope that doesnt sound conceited. I meant it funny but truthfully. BIG hugs to all of you for making the beginning of a scary weekend for me bearable.

Lulu
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Old 04-23-2010, 04:47 PM
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Great thread. I have learned much from each post. My wife and i are together again after being divorced 5 yrs (had been married 13). We talk, we share, I go to meetings, she is considering Al-anon. I work with my sponsor with the things I can't readily share with her. I found this out the hard way! In the beginning, after we got back together, we were all about sharing everything, not a good idea. There were things she could simply not understand or identify with. We COMMUNICATE! In the past we didn't, the cloud of denial hung thick in the atmosphere of our lives.

I work with young men with addiction and behavioral problems. It is my way of giving back and learning a new profession. My wife is a RN and together we do well. We have certain boundaries about money and responsibilities. We work together towards a better life together. I take responsibility for my actions, past and present. She has every right to be mad, skeptical, etc. We keep our eyes open and live each day to the best of our abilities. Some are better than others, for certain. But we have been given a rare gift, for which we are both grateful.

When people get married because they think it's a long-time love affair, they'll be divorced very soon, because all love affairs end in disappointment. But marriage is a recognition of a spiritual identity.
Joseph Campbell


Maybe this will help a little.

Peace
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Old 04-23-2010, 05:35 PM
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So you were an alcoholic for 8 years? 8 years of lies, broken promises, insults, self pity, blame, selfishness, betrayal. Day after day. 2,920 days.

She is entitled to 8 years of mistrust, wariness, resentment, and anger. She's ENTITLED to 8 years of working through her anger and disappointment with you. You owe it to her.

She tolerated your god awful behavior for 8 years, why wouldn't you tolerate her sulking for 8? Well, she lived with worse for 8 years. As bad as you think her behavior is now, yours was worse.

She stuck by you. Why can't you do it for her? Because it affects the quality of your life, because it's a drag to live with? It's okay to trash her life, but it's not ok for her to trash yours?

What if you stick by her with understanding for 8 years and let her heal as she did with you...and then start expecting a good marriage. There is a huge cost to treating people poorly, huge. Do you just want to declare bankruptcy and walk away, or are you willing to pay your debt to her? With the pay off being a good marriage eventually, maybe a long time eventually.

If you knock the chip off your shoulder (that expectation that she'll be so grateful that you are now sober, a hero who conquered alcohol that she'll cover you with hosannas), maybe she'll heal faster. She doesn't owe you anything but what you earned--which was 8 years of mistrust and pain.

Give her all the time and understanding she needs. She'll come around, and probably a lot faster than 8 years. Just don't add to your debt to her by having attitude now. If it was too late, she'd be gone. It's not too late. You can still have the marriage you and she thought you'd have when you fell in love and committed to each other. But you have a lot of amends to make and she has a lot of healing to do.

It's not just about you.

If you clearly understand the amount of damage you've done, you'd let her heal at her own pace and seek to understand from her point of view. If you give her her turn, give her her due, you can have the rest of your lives together in a good strong marriage. Isn't that worth a year or two or three?

And yes, btw, she is very grateful that you aren't drinking any more.
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Old 04-23-2010, 06:38 PM
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I am learning so much, and am reminded of so much with this thread.

Noconincedence, yours is a wonderful example of recovery can work.

Bucyn..at first when I started reading your post I thought, boy that is a harsh tone to open with. But..that was my alcoholic self reacting. You are sooo right. Not that I have forgotten any of the h*ll I caused..but reading your passionate response is a reminder of what damage I can cause by not working my recovery program and making a living amends to my loved ones.

When newly sober and in recovery one can tend to get rather puffed up...we need to be deflated and remain humble and sincere. Any other emotion will not bode well for our recovery.
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Old 04-23-2010, 07:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Bucyn View Post
So you were an alcoholic for 8 years? 8 years of lies, broken promises, insults, self pity, blame, selfishness, betrayal. Day after day. 2,920 days.

She is entitled to 8 years of mistrust, wariness, resentment, and anger. She's ENTITLED to 8 years of working through her anger and disappointment with you. You owe it to her.

She tolerated your god awful behavior for 8 years, why wouldn't you tolerate her sulking for 8? Well, she lived with worse for 8 years. As bad as you think her behavior is now, yours was worse.

She stuck by you. Why can't you do it for her? Because it affects the quality of your life, because it's a drag to live with? It's okay to trash her life, but it's not ok for her to trash yours?
So true. But I can't help but think, "Dang, she should have just walked away. It's so not worth it."

I for one, am so so glad that I walked away. I can't help but feel like 90% of sober alcoholics remain the selfish whiney self-absorbed babies that they were when they were drinking. It's not like people ever get thanked or appreciated for sticking around and suffering the alcoholics. More importantly, save the precious few couples, it's not like they ever achieve even the most tattered, fragile bond of true intimacy. They get the exact opposite.
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Old 04-23-2010, 07:09 PM
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Bucyn is cool like Elvis.
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Old 04-23-2010, 07:26 PM
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Originally Posted by KeepPedaling View Post
Bucyn is cool like Elvis.
Agreed on the cool like Elvis.
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Old 04-23-2010, 08:01 PM
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Thank you all for the wisdom. I'm here for the longhaul if she wants. She's has all the space in the world, just wanted to get ideas on her thoughts as I don't get them from her. This helps. One last question, I never say anything to her about doing anything. She rarely comes home, works out of town, travels with friends. Should I act like I care and say something like are you going to work? Or is that invading space. Just want to if I can ask her any questions, don't want to invade anything. I think it is nice, but don't want her to be mad that I don't ask her anything also. It's hard for me to know if I'm making her mad by letting her do whatever she wants without any thought of it. Or does she want me to act concerned.
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Old 04-23-2010, 08:12 PM
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Or does she want me to act concerned

I don't have a ton of wisdom in this area here, and I know you are getting feedback from many who have experienced much more than I have, but as far as you "acting" concerned...
I don't want my husband to ACT anything....I want the feelings to be genuine and sincere. I have found that in alcoholic relationships it is anything but genuine or sincere. So maybe enough with the "acting".
IMHO- what you can do is love her now, truly just love her. It's her choice if she wants to continue the relationship.
And if you are doing the best you can, honestly can, then it's your choice if you want to continue the relationship or not as well. It's not a one way street for either of you.
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Old 04-23-2010, 08:21 PM
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Or does she want me to act concerned.
Catkill,
Just my experience, but it would be best to be honest with her.
"Letting" her do whatever she wants?
Was she doing all these things while you were drinking? Were you concerned then?
I think you should say or ask anything you want, just have no expectations when she answers.
Keep doing the next right thing Catkill.

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Old 04-23-2010, 08:23 PM
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just confused, some girls don't like to be asked any questions and I know the fragile nature of being loved. Some run away when they feel loved, so I thought maybe not showing love might work. Sounds wierd but just stating the facts. It sounds like if I just keep doing what I'm doing I'm fine, in 96 months or so we should be fine.
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Old 04-23-2010, 08:24 PM
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Have you discussed the idea of couples counseling??
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