JoeVet

This post just makes me angry. You are upset now that you are sober enough to see the end results of the psychological (physical?) damage that you yourself inflicted upon this person. She is severely traumatized and is doing her best just to maintain each day. You do not hear when she says that for her sanity she needs to be alone. "I wish you were the **** out of my life" really doesn't leave any gray areas. What are you doing when she is working? Do you contribute. Do you work. Have you used money you earned to buy her a little sane time; a movie, dinner, a Hawaiian cruise. Or are you still at home being a reminder that all her hard earned pay is going to feed and house a disease? I am definitely projecting my own situation here as I am being told to seek counseling by my RAW. Sorry but I am going to rage for a while. I won't automatically trust that things have changed because you are sober three weeks, 5 months, 1 year. For the RA to suggest Al Anon or counseling is a bit like offering a band-aid to the 5 year old you just firebombed with napalm. Its hypocritical and you really don't understand the extent of the damage you've done. Is there any thing the RA can do to help this rage? I don't think so. Maybe time with lots of sobriety and groveling. Remember that the rage is sometime you put there. It is a protective shield. You can't remove it. I have no suggestions. I'm too mad to think about it.

KeepPedaling

Maybe not the groveling. Maybe patience, kindness, understanding, and sobriety would work?
JoeVet, I hope things get better for you soon. It sucks to carry around so much anger. It took a while for my anger to go away. I still get mad sometimes, but things are much better for me now.

Good post though. Seriously good example of the place we arrive at after being closely involved with an alcoholic. It's a dark, scary, hurtful, lonesome road to travel.

Catkill23

It's nice to get things out with people. This is what any type of meeting does. Grateful that I am not afraid to talk about feelings. It sucked to be mad at yesterday or regretful, the wrinching in the stomach was unbearable. Sucks that it takes hitting bottom to grow up and realize you don't need to drink to feel good. My best wishes to everyone that may ACCEPT the gift if you want it. Otherwise go get the gift someway else, or SOMETIME else. I guess you can wait longer if you need other people to show you what it is like, so you are not afraid what other people think.

wicked

JoeVet,
I am a recovering alcoholic, but boy do i get what you're saying. My ex was addicted, went to rehab with me while I was on active duty, then went right back in two weeks after rehab.
When we got back to the States, I was supposed to be supportive when he actually came home with a paycheck on Friday, instead of showing up the next afternoon with nothing to show for it after a crack binge.
If I showed annoyance in any way, I was a controlling bitch.
So, yeah, I get you there.
The waiting, the hoping, the shut off of my needs and emotions took years to get over.
It doesnt happen in eight months.
When he (the ex) wanted to get back together with me, I told him at least one year sober. He got this look on his face like "one year! never happen!".
I was supposed to be grateful for his attempt to get sober or his words to that effect.
Okay, that's it for me.
Beth

JoeVet,
I am an Army vet, are you a Marine vet?

Catkill23

So if I'm hearing correctly, after 1 year the controlled drinker of the family can say Hi and have a good day. Or is it Hi for the 356th day for some time, And have a good day sometime after that? Also what day would it be to get response to hello sweetie, when she calls? Not trying to sound like an ass, but just would like the timeline.

Bolina

It always surprises me when relationships survive active addiction and then recovery, even if both parties are working on themselves. The things that brought two people together often don't exist after all that turmoil and there is not much left that works as a partnership.

There is a LOT of ground to make up and to not expect resentment instead of gratitude is naive, at best. Listen to her instead of just because all of those things are just "givens". That's what should have been happening all along. You've a lot of missed time to make up, buddy.

wicked

I am going to assume you are not trying to sound like an ass Catkill.

A controlled drinker is much different than a recovering alcoholic, but I am sure you know that, being you have 8 months sober.
Congratulations on that, Catkill. That is fantastic!

When you are expecting anything from anybody besides yourself, you are setting yourself up for resentments, and as recovering alcoholics we both know what that means, correct? Right now, you sound a little resentful your wife is not grateful for your progress.

Would you be willing to answer Pelican's questions posted earlier in this thread?
You might be able to answer your own questions if you answer those honestly.

Beth

Kerbcrawler

hey joevet...i gotta a similar scenario my wife and i rarely speak..when we do, it more often than, involves arguing...which has led me to beleive silence is really golden..
and telepathy rocks... you got it...as far as dealing with the all important issues in life that require communication...the rest is quiet companionship..were we both mostly cant stand each others company...but we like to be around each other...anybody else relate here...also i think with your partners/hubbys/wifes, you try to hard you can appear to cheap...a little restraint an get em hungary again to your true worth...as no one should sell themselves too cheap...., my uk tuppence of thought.

CAPTAINZING2000

I was going to say lucky for you

My ex used the slient treatment when, she wasn't cussing me out like a sailor.

You didn't go into detail about what kind of amends you need to make to her.

I'm guessing you've tried to sit her down and calmly discuss your relationship? Or, have you suggested going to a marriage counsellor?

Catkill23

I do realize I was an *******. Im only 5 months really after the 3 clearing the fog. from the 50 or so responses of my question it sounds like there is no answer. We were a family for 8 years now, and I say "we" because it was just not me in the relationship. I'm doing what I need to right now, there was a lot of **** done the past 8 years that I guess the controlled drinker had no part in the marriage. I ruined it. Thank God he is giving me a chance to breath right now and love life.

wicked

Why do you keep referring to a controlled drinker?
Are you in a program of recovery?
Have you looked at the responses to your original post?
Yours is the 30th post in this thread, so there are not 50 or so responses.
Now, it sounds like denial and blamshifting.
It was just you in your relationship with alcohol catkill and there is no getting around that. 8 times 12 is 96 months. you have had some clarity for five months. do the math catkill. think about it.

Beth

LaTeeDa

Sounds like you have a lot of expectations for HER behavior, now that you've gotten sober. She is who she is, and she will do what she needs to do, regardless of what you want or expect her to do. You can't control her.

Maybe try an Alanon meeting or two in addition to AA?

L

Bolina

Are they AA meetings you are going to? Bit confused about the controlled drinking thing...

Of course there are answers. They require humility, amends and true remorse, though. The continuation King Baby act ain't gonna get you too far. I understand that "I am doing what she wanted and it's STILL not good enough" reaction. But perhaps you don't understand my point about "givens" up there. None of us get people supplicating because we are doing what we are supposed to be doing.

When you understand exactly what has gone on during your drinking days (for you and her), have truly listened with an open heart to what she has to say and are willing to make amends, then you are ready to re-enter the marriage. Until then, just focus on your recovery.

Catkill23

good points, I don't really expect anything. Actually now that I think about it I really like it when she yells at me, at least I know I am alive. I do like this so I should go to AlAnon I think. I think when I was drinking I would just yell back and I guess she liked it, but now I am in the opposite situation. I do need AlAnon.

ANEWAUGUST

Hi...I am an alcoholic, and I am a wife.

I can only share what my experience as been.

I became as my sponsor likes to say a "no good drunk woman" years ago. Through a series of events, and the Grace of God, I was sober for a number of years I thought I was cured of my alcoholism. I did some online recovery work, and other spiritual programs. During that time I learned:

Alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages.

My first year or so sober, even though my husband and I were living in the same house physically, mentally we were seperated. The conversations I wanted to have, well, I forfeited the right to have them when I want them when I was drinking.. I had to let my husband come to terms with
our marriage, and my drinking in his own time, in his own way, when he was ready.Just as I became sober when I was ready. Alcoholism is disease based in selfishness and self will. Just because I got sober doesn't mean everyone else has healed from the damage I inflicted. None of die from the conversation not had..but, we can die from alcoholism.

I did eventually slip, and this time, I knew I needed others to help me, face to face. I found my way into the rooms of AA, by the Grace of God.

I am learning how to make living amends to the people I harmed in my life. Though this is a selfish time in recovery, it is not self centered. Sobriety doesn't give me the right to impose my timeline or will on others.

I also journal...sometimes I journal the conversations I would like to have had, but, just can't write now.

I realized I could lose my husband, my family still..my sobriety doesn't guarantee anything.

However, with a sponsor and by working the steps, I know that I can remain sober, one day at time. My sponsor reminds me fo the crap my loved ones put up with while I was active..I need to hear that, to be reminded that though I am sober again a few months..I drank for alot longer.


Just sharing my experience...wishing you the best in your recovery.

Peace

queenteree

Catkill, While I think it's great about your sobriety, IMO, you have a long way to go in your recovery ... you are still at the stage where you want what you want when you want it! Recovery is not about instant gratification!

Kerbcrawler

:sorry guys..was actually referring to catkills original post with response...joevet i read your story this week and have striking similarities...heck you read the first post then go through the sometimes 20 or more replys..and can lose the original post...that and early Alzheimers kickin in....

Bolina

Awesome post, anvil.

ANEWAUGUST

Catkill...

You may want to pose your question over in the alcoholism, and/or alcoholism 12 step
forum...to find out what other alcoholics have experienced.

Freedom1990

Actually, in our recovery from codependency, we take responsibility for our feelings, or at least that's been my own personal experience.

It's not up to the RA to fix what I'm feeling. It's up to me to fix what I'm feeling, and let the RA continue his/her journey in recovery.

My 32 year old addict/alcoholic daughter isn't in recovery, and probably never will be.

It isn't her job to fix my internal damage for the havoc she threw into my life before I detached. It's my job. If I wait for apologies and groveling from her, I'll be waiting a long time, and even if that did happen, it wouldn't fix me internally, guaranteed.

I understand the rage you are feeling because I went through that for about 2 years after I got clean/sober and left the EXAH. The more I thought about what he had put me through, the more angry I got.

At some point I had to start the process of recovery on the other side of the fence, as one who had/has loved ones in active alcoholism/addiction.

1 was teetering on the precipice of losing my own sobriety because the rage was overwhelming.

I pray at some point you will become willing to release that rage before it eats you alive, and find serenity and a quiet heart.

I did, and I am grateful for that.