HoopNinja

I found out yesterday that STBXAH is trying to take half my pension. I work for the state so he does not only get half the money--he gets half the time I have worked. I have worked there for 20 years so it will be like I have only worked 10 years at my highest wage and like he has worked 10 years at my highest wage.

I have been crying for the last 24 hours. I know it is only money--but I worked hard those 20 years and supported his alcoholic, drugged out butt and he did nothing--yet he still gets half of my pension. This is the man who has 2 faces--Mr. Church Music Director and then Mr. Musician (the alcoholic, druggie). So his church friends know nothing about who he really is (of course) and his other friends would never rat him out (it's in their official code of ethics I think).

I am trying hard to give this one over to my HP but am having a hard time. It is hard to have worked so hard and even at times worked 2 jobs (because he would not work) so we would not lose the house and the kids could have presents for birthday and Christmas. He spent my money on his booze and drugs and now he is taking even more.

I guess the depths of how morally and ethically wrong this is is hitting me hard. Why is it I work hard and he does nothing (it is not like he stayed home to take care of the family and house) yet he still gets all that I have worked for.

I am having a really hard time with this. I just fired my current lawyer and got a new one because my current (now previous) lawyer was acting like road kill and just letting all this happen.

I just need to vent. I am sad, sad, sad and mad, mad, mad.

Today I get an email from the previous lawyer that he forwarded from STBXAH lawyer saying I am threatening to throw out STBXAH things I am storing if he does not come and get them by Friday. The bum would not take anything so I had to so the new owners could have their house. I told him to come and get his stuff and he would not. I am not obligated to store his stuff. I am no longer enabling his horrific behavior (yet others are)--and I am coming off as the bad person. I guess this is what hurts me the most. I have always lived my life honestly. Have I had a few bumps along the way--yes, but I stood up, admitted I was wrong and made things right. One of the things I try to get my kids to understand is the importance of honesty and integrity--and it kills me that stbxah holds himself out as being the most honest ethical person in the world in his church community. To them, I am the evil one and I am getting everythihg I deserve. What did I do? I decided to divorce a violent alcoholic/drug addicted man who refuses to get help and instead to take care of my kids and me. Yet I am being judged as the one in the wrong. Maybe I am too sensitive but my heart hurts tremendously. I know I am doing the right thing. I have not cried like I am now in forever.

wicked

Wife2Kids,

What does your new lawyer say?
This certainly doesn't seem fair, and I am with you being mad, mad, and mad some more.
Surely, there is proof of the ex's less than stellar performance as a provider?
I am thinking of you, and wishing you fairness in your settlement.
Bless you for working for the State, whatever State it is!
Beth

LaTeeDa

Unfortunately, in community property states, that is how it works. There is nothing fair about it, but it's the law. It is morally and ethically wrong of him to take it, but he doesn't sound like a very moral or ethical person.

I totally relate to being sick to your stomach over it. I feared my husband would do the same to me, and he could have, but in the end we negotiated an alternative. I agreed not to pursue child support in exchange for him agreeing not to pursue my pension or the equity in the house (which turned out to be very little after the real estate crash). Of course, these agreements were not outlined in the settlement, because it is not allowed in my state to trade property for child support. We just had to agree that we were not dividing the pension and he was not paying child support. We couldn't say one was in exchange for the other.

My heart hurts for you because I know that if he is determined to do this, he can. I'm so sorry.

L

Thumper

I am so sorry. I totally understand your feelings. The extra kick in the gut is when they go on and on and make you look like the bad guy.

I don't have a pension but he got 100% of my 401K that I have been building for 16 years. I am 41yo single mom of four kids 11yo and under - with zero retirement.

I did not take on any of his school loan though so that is something. It isn't fair, but I'm over it mostly because I'm so damn happy it is behind me.

Sending you strength to get through the next few months.

NYC_Chick

I'm do sorry. I never married my A, so I can't relate, bit just wanted to say sorry and my thoughts are with you. Hugs!

HoopNinja

LTD-I do live in a community property state--so it makes no difference that he is a wortless sloth (and that is being mean to a sloth to use a sloth as a comparison).

He is Mr. Passive Aggressive--so he let me be very reasonable about everything until we hit this point-then BAM--oh, I forgot to let you know but I am going to scr** you to the wall and take as much money from you as I can.

Maybe I should charge him $1000/day for storage fees. . .

I may have some recourse in recouping it by forcing him to pay more child support (and thus forcing him to actually get a job). In this state you can opt not to get your child support from your ex-spouse and have them send it directly to the state--and when they don't the state pursues them, garnishes checks if necessary, does tax intercepts, takes away their driver's license and in the end tosses them in jail.

I am hoping that my new attorney will be able to do something so even if he takes half I have enough money left for life because also since I am the custodial parent he does not have to pay any childcare. So even though I work and need my kids to be in child care--and he does not watch them (which quite honestly is a good thing)--he does not have to pay one dime for the childcare.

I should have moved to a different state. . .

queenteree

I, too, can kind of relate to what you're saying. My RAH's IRA was the bulk of our retirement. I worked hard, didn't contribute much to mine cause his had "matching" when he was working. After he lost his job due to his alcoholism, he transferred it to an IRA. When he left me this Sept., he proceeded to take out most of it and blow it on alcohol, gambling and living the high life, whatever he wanted. Boy, I cried for days over that, knowing now I could not retire for a very long time, if ever.
But to tell you the truth, it is what it is, and there's always gonna be another mountain and uphill battle, and sometimes you have to lose. Losing money is really no comparison than losing peace of mind. Have faith and good things will come. This happened for a reason, yet unknown, but for a reason.
Hugs

Jazzman

Nothing fair about divorce. Getting married to M then getting divorced 5 years later cost me close to 100K, after I totaled everything up. I'm still paying on a 40k equity loan I call "my stupid tax". Remember lots can be negotiated like in LTD's example. Maybe when he sees what his CS payments will be he'd be willing to rethink the retirement?

I see absolutely no reason at all to get the State involved in anymore of my relationships.... ever again.

LaTeeDa

Well, just because you've been reasonable up till now, doesn't mean you can't change your mind. It's not a settlement until EVERYTHING is agreed on. I told mine if he wanted to be a weasel and go for half my pension, I was going for MAXIMUM child support, including reimbursement for half the health insurance, and any other thing I could possibly ask for. (check w/your lawyer) Mine decided that waiting another ten years to collect on my pension was not worth paying maximum child support RIGHT NOW.

Do what you can, then let go of the outcome. I was resigned to that being the cost of getting him out of my life and finances for good. A high price to be sure, but worth it.

L

HoopNinja

I do remind myself how much it would have cost me (and the kids) both emotionally and financially had I not filed for divorce.
I have to say yesterday a friend used a phrase to describe STXAH quite well--an emotional and monetary vampire.

HoopNinja

L you are right. . .some times I fall back into doormat mode and I do not need to be a doormat. Time for a meeting.

LaTeeDa

My therapist told me "once they find out they can't have the love, they want the money." She was so right.

L

Jadmack25

If this is the law, that you have to hand over half of your hard earned, to this pathetic excuse for a husband, father and man....then I think the law is an


an so are the idiots who enacted it in the first place.

I am totally astounded.

God bless

LaTeeDa

Well, I do understand why the law is the way it is. It's to protect the non-working spouse (usually the woman who stays home, takes care of the house, and raises the children). Prior to community property laws, many stay at home moms were left destitute after divorce. The spouse with the career (usually the man) would get to keep everything he earned, including the pension, and the non-working spouse would get nothing for all the years spent supporting him non-monetarily.

It's absolutely fair--in the above scenario. Unfortunately, like most laws, it is applied across the board (blind justice, you know) and, in the case of marriage to an alcoholic, it becomes completely unfair and unjust.

I hope those who are not married yet, but think they can have a future with an alcoholic will read this thread. Having a relationship with an alcoholic has many costs, and not all of them are emotional.

L

Jadmack25

Thanks LTD, I should have been clearer, but I was so startled I couldn't think.

I get the original idea re stay at home mums, and in fact I was on a committee here, to push for the stay at home mother"s care of kids and house etc, to be treated as her contribution to family life as validly as her spouse's monetary contribution.

What I do not get is, that someone who because of their addiction does not contribute to family, in fact causes such chaos and misery that his wife is forced to leave him....is then entitled to snatch at her pension money.

If a person cares for the house, cooks, cleans and rears their children, then they are due a share of the monetary benefits from their spouses employment.

If someone is a violent drunk and druggie, and this behavior is the main reason for the marriage breakdown....why should they benefit for their addictive abuse, while their spouse is penalised for having been abused and having endured bad behavior.

This seems so dumb, and maybe it needs some looking at, in view of the enormous increase in addictive marriages ove rthe last few years.

God bless

JoeVet

I'm currently debating divorce and RAW. If I do divorce she gets half of my military retirement. In this case I'm not as upset because she put in good 20 years as my partner. I'll be upset if she goes after the pay I earn after divorce and retirement. I she could potentially say it was her support that got me the degrees that earn me my money and is entitled to future earnings. If I stay overseas and earn money outside of the US, can she touch it?

Thumper

It probably differs by state but where I am at anything earned/aquired before the date of marriage and after the date of divorce belongs to the earning individual. Anything between the dates is community property. That includes debt so if you are considering divorce then I would *file it* before stating it and as part of that they can add a line that neither spouse can do anything major between the date of filing and the date of the divorce.

So - I can't go and drain our accounts and I also can't go get a loan for a new car, or charge 10K on the credit card, and expect the other person to pay half. Without that clause - you are on the hook.

This is for my state.

hadenoughnow

I am lucky that in my state there is equitable distribution and that the conduct and moral fitness of the persons involved CAN influence property division and alimony as well as child custody.

When I filed PEH threatened to try and get alimony and I reminded him that I had many years of bank statements and party store receipts to show exactly where any alimony would be spent (on booze). I split everything 50/50 (not that he deserved it but my attorney told me that is what he would end up with anyway) with exah and told him that hell would freeze over before I paid him alimony.

He of course did not want to pay me child support (after all he never had to support our child while we were married!) but the judge would not agree to that at all so exah has to pay it, of course he does not pay what he is supposed to but it does give me leverage when he tries to give me any grief (when you owe CS you owe it FOREVER).

I knew that if I stayed married to exah he would eventually lose or quit his job (early retirement was his big dream) and I would have to pay $$$ to get out.