PHIZ007

Dear SR friends

How is everybody doing? I haven't been around much lately....not sure why that is maybe because I am trying to work through a few things for myself. I love SR it keeps me sane but I just needed a little time out maybe! I have often thought of many of you on her and will do a little catching up on the posts today.

I am trying to figure out where I am heading....I know I want to leave but the whole process of leaving with three children I am finding very overwelming........I have no where to go to start with!

My family are all in the UK....I often imagine buying four one way tickets and just taking off! but thats not really fair on my children....my son is 9 and would be mortified if we just took off like that! So I am trying to work something out that is comfortable for us all (me and the kids I mean!). Ultimately I will return to the UK as I would love to be nearer my family....but it definately needs some planning. I can't just turn up on my parents doorstep as that wouldn't be fair atall - my mum is sick and dad is her full time carer.....I want to plan this and have some kind of independance....I have always been independant and always stood on my own two feet. I want to do what is best for myself and my three beautiful children and that is going to take a bit of thought. First step I am off to open my own bank account.......

The other thing I am struggling with is I love him I hate him all in the same sentence. I am not afraid of being on my own...I know I will be fine...I am not sure what I am afraid of maybe the unknown path ahead.

During the day he is kind, happy, fun and the sort of guy I love being round. At night he is withdrawn, drunk, verbally abusive, angry, depressed and downright awful to be around. I deserve better I want more! Ideally I wanted him to move out so the kids will still still have stability but I truly don't think thats going to happen....it will be me that has to leave.....

I know I am rambling! Almost putting it down on paper so I can work through it all. And I really want to read it as it really is. He is super good at being verbally outrageous at night and the next day selective memory (although I really don't think he doesn remember his brain is getting that pickled!) has erased it from his mind.......unfortunately it is never erased from mine! Last night I actually recorded him when he went into his rant just so I could play it back today to hear it in the cold light of day - and its awful! I would never allow anyone else to speak to me in such a rude disrespectful manner - and in the cold light of day nor would he!!

His mother is still trying to "Help' him...she doesn't live near us thank god!! But she sends us both messages telling us how she is doing things 'to help him".......she still doesn't get it the only person that can help him...is....HIM. If he wants to that is!! I do not bother to get involved in her nonsense anymore and that sure is a good feeling. They are a very dysfuntional family - she is like a child...still at the age of 70 ++ and as I have three small ones already I don't need to take her C*** on! She is always the victim!! So he was taught well.....I understand at times why he is the way he is but that doesn't mean I have to live it...right?!

I am avoiding all contact with her at the moment because she adds to my upset when she is always trying to rescue everyone but never focusing on herself! She is blinkered by religion....she lives, breathes and only fuctions for it and when her kids were little they were only ever allowed to do something if it was church related......she is an extremist and it has scary consequences! They all avoided the elephant in the living room and still to this day avoid anything that they can;t deal with....which is pretty much everyday life'

They all suffer from major depression but she never bothered to tell him about that...because that would be her dealing with life on lifes terms......
of course his alcoholism doesn't help the depression one bit!!

I am very grateful for the well balanced childhood I had - I was blessed and lucky. I love and miss my family very much...thank goodness for skype!!

I had no idea and no experience of alcoholism atall - and didn't have a clue I was marrying an alcohoilc untill several years later....when the penny dropped and I realised that none of this was normal.

I on the other hand am trying really hard to focus on myself and my three beautiful children because that i can do :0)

I guess I am just feeling a little lost right now.......I feel I come so far and then take several steps back.

Gosh sorry for the long old post.......it just kind of flowed!!.....Hopefully I will read this back later and see that I am making progress!

I found the thread recently about does anyone make it who stays (or something similar) very interesting....infact I think that is what has triggered all my emotion today...in a good way as I have some major decision to make.

Thank you to my SR friends for your love and support along the way - How are you guys all going? Phiz

lulu1974

So sorry you are going through this. The decision sometimes takes some time to make. I have been in circles for ever now.. I prayed so much to my HP and continue to do so. I think I finally surrendered. But I was a pro at letting go and then taking it back. Take your time with your decision but be careful for you and your kids..
I am religious too and this was such a hard choice. I am a sinner though and I will get divorced and i will ask God for forgiveness.
Keep coming here...it will help...

PHIZ007

Thanks Lulu....your support is so appreciated!

And gosh I hope I didn't mislead anyone regrading the religion thing - I have no problem about religion atall........my MIL is an extremist about it and there is nothing balanced about the way she enforces religion upon everyone!...to me thats not what the Good Lord meant atall....so I hope thats how it came across....

Take care guys... Phiz :0)

mishaco1

Wow Phiz! I admire how strong you are.

I'm new here and I have found so much support and when I read this it brings tears to my eyes. I've dealt with the sober in the day, raging drunk at night. And to me it was a total mind f$%^! (Until he just became the raging drunk all the time)

You sound so strong and so in tune with yourself it brings me a lot of hope and to be doing it with three beautiful children -

It's ok to take several steps back once in a while. It happens to us all. It seems you are taking more steps forward than backwards!

Nice to meet you!

wicked

:ghug3

PHIZ,
so glad to hear from you.
you seem to be sorting it out well.
i wish i knew the aussie term for that!
Beth

posiesperson

Hey phiz,

Sending you big hugs, my friend. As you know I ended my relationship but it took TIME, and meditation, and really connecting to the wounded and vulnerable places in myself...I had to find out that I didn't want to show those vulnerable places to my exA anymore. It was hard, but I am honestly so much stronger for it.

Today I realized that in my relationships over the past 22 years I wasn't technically alone, but have always felt lonely. Now that I'm NOT in a relationship, I'm alone but NOT lonely. Isn't that interesting? All my worst fear is not an issue. I'm even enjoying being alone. As I read your story I really felt those "loneliness" feelings, and wondered if you feel the same way. There is no way through it but through it, you're doing your very best, and it's great. I hope you're taking some time and space to do some things that you really like to do...?

Thinking of you,
posie

Jadmack25

Dear Phiz, sorry you go thru the nice Dr J during the day and awful Mr H after a few drinks.

As I said in another post a while back, both are the same man, the nice is him when sober because his mindset is programmed this way....the nasty is let loose, as control lessens under the effect of alcohol.

It is so much harder for you, with family in the UK, and your mum in ill health....

A woman I knew slightly from Alanon, left her A 5 years ago, and took ages and lots of money, to get legal ok to take her kids for a visit to see old folk in Yorkshire, as her A said she wouldn't bring them back.

She said they stayed in UK for 6 months as her dad was very ill, then died and her mum needed her, but finally she came back to Aus.

She said she missed here and kids couldn't wait to get back....funny thing was that when they made up a petition to come "home" to Qld, on the list of reasons for coming....dad made it in at number 8, behind beach, footy and friends etc.

I wondered if you would be legally allowed to leave here, as dad would not exactly be able to have visitation etc easily. Do hope that you can get over to see family and friends, even if only for a visit.
In my prayers of course.

And Lulu, this is for you and others who have been terrorised by religion or religious bigotry.

WE ARE ALL SINNERS, you, me, your neighbour, the gas man, the queen, Mr Obama, the pope and uncle Tom Cobleigh and all.

Choosing the man you did and marrying him was a mistake, not a sin.
Knowing he has alcohol trouble, is abusive and treats his wife like sh*t is a sin.

Deciding you cannot live in the hell and chaos of your alcohol fued marriage is not a sin.
Continuing to drink and making your marriage a chaotic hell is a sin.

Leaving a marriage, in fear of your sanity and life is not a sin.
Causing your wife to fear for her sanity and life is a sin.

Marriage is a contract between 2 people, made before God, where each promises to love, respect and care for the partner.

Marriage is NOT a contract WITH God, where the above promises have the words, "unless I am drunk and then I can do as I please, yell abuse and belt the cr*p out of my partner and/or kids."

Divorce is the formal, legal way of ending a marriage, where one of the partners has broken their promises, refuses to amend behavior, and so the contract is null and void.

I know that some churchmen howl about the sanctity of marriage etc, and look on divorce as an act of the Devil, some even ignoring abuse and violence altogether as even a reason for leaving.

I look at this outlook as similar to those churchmen, who demanded that woman refuse anything to stop pain during labour, because the old testament says a woman shall suffer pain in childbirth. Queen Victoria told these creeps where to go thank God.

I hope you both get your dearest wishes and have you in my prayers.

God bless

PHIZ007

Thanks for the support my dear SR family.

It was good to hear from you all.

Jadmack your post me smile in places too! All my children have UK passports already and it wouldn't be unusual for us to head back without Dad...I often have in the past as due to work commitments etc he doesn't usually come over for aslong. The problem (of which there are a few right now!!)...the main problem being the cost of the flights.....I was hoping to go back in November for two months....but finding the $15,000 to do so is a bit tricky!! believe it or not he is working very hard in order to earn the extra money for the UK trip!!

I always rent a house when I am there as we can't stay with anyone for that amount of time!! The odd night here and there is fine but two months just wouldn't work. So my plan is actually if we can make it I will go mid November with the three.......he was then going to join us at christmas....but the truth actually is I don't want him to! I want to have two months without him to be able to think clearly. It is very hard to be clear about everything when you are still living with active A and the chaos that that all brings.....right now I have to stay...but I am planning and thinking ahead!.....I truly feel if I got to the otherside (the UK I mean!) I wouldn't come back!

I love living here, in the beautiful climate and I do have a lovely life outside of him....I have good friends, I have a busy life and I do lots of things I enjoy BUT being in the UK with my long term friends and my family would definately be a good thing....thats how it feels for now anyway....but of course the grass isn't always greener!

and Posie I do understand the lonely bit - I am lonely in my marriage but actually outside of that I am not atall lonely - I have three beautiful children, great friends, a family (in the UK) who I love dearly, a gorgeous sister with 3 beautiful nephews - I am truly blessed in many many ways - but life is tough being married to and living with my AH and being so so far away from my family.

I feel I have pretty much bought my children up by myself.

Love Hugs and blessings to you all!.....the love and support and honesty on this board is truly wonderful. Phiz XX

naive

well, phiz. i am sure that you do know that if you got to the UK, separated from him, you and your kids would be entitled to housing and benefits until you get on your feet.

just reminding you. you do have options.

naive

sesh

Hi Phiz,
I really hope you'll manage to organize it all and spend two months in UK away from your AH. I'm sure the time and distance would make everything much clearer for you.

I know how you feel when said you feel you have pretty much brought up your kids yourself, I feel the same, but as hard as it may be to do, I believe that's creating a very strong bond with your children. I'm positive about it, as my dad was an A too, and my mum has done the same thing for me and my brother, and the relationship we have with our mom is amazing. I'm 37, my brother 32 and to this date all 3 of us are so close, always there for each other. We both grew up to be very responsible, good, honest people and I'm sure all of it is because her endless love and sacrifices she made for us, that we respect more than anything else in the world. And also the fact AF was never there for us made us appreciate her even more. Her love and caring made up for everything our dad was not giving us. My dad has past away 11 years ago at the age of 53, due to alcohol related helath problems, but I have managed to forgive him for everything and let go of all bad emotions. I just feel sorry for him, for the fact he was unable to do better with his life, but it's his loss. I believe this to be healthy attitude, and I'm convinced I was able to reach it thanks to the way my mum has raised me.

My point here is really even if living with active AH, you can still raise your kids well.
And saying all this I have to add I dind't marry an A because my dad was one, the simple fact is my H wasn't an A for the first 5 years of our marriage (and I know the signs, believe me I'd have known), but sh** happens, but that's another story...

I can already see I have a kind of a same bond with my kids, and I just hope I'll keep up a good work.