What the F is wrong with me?!

Old 04-20-2010, 01:47 PM
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Unhappy What the F is wrong with me?!

So AXBF is sober today. Go figure. So now he is doing everything that was asked of him when I finally talked to a lawyer because I had no idea what to do with some things and some threats his family has tried on me... Which sucks all in itself anyways.

So now, I am sitting at work and I am having an anxiety attack. He called to tell me it would take him a couple of days to clean the unit out but he hopes to have it done by 3 because he has an interview. He agreed to me adopting his rabbit and said he would be by with a police officer sometime in the next few days to get the remainder of his things from my house.

So I should be happy right?!? This is coming to an end right?!? So why is it that I feel so damn awful?!

He has an interview which is a start and I was feeling bad because he didn't have a job, I have been asking him to clean out the storage unit so he doesn't lose all his things as I refuse to pay it another month and he is doing that, he didn't try to guilt me or make me feel bad or tell me he needed things which is a first and yet, I am here, feeling absolutely awful. Panicking.

Is it because I have this huge weight that is being lifted off my shoulders but I am scared it still is not the end? I sort of feel this is my problem. I have no hope that he will just go away this peacefully and I know as soon as he picks up the bottle again, whenever that may be, I will start getting the threats and the blame...

So why am I sad and anxious?! He sounded sad. He sent me a text last night saying he knows I hate him which I never responded to and I want to cry now and my heart is beating a million miles per minute and I feel like I have a weight in my chest that won't allow me to breathe properly.

Today was going well too...

I wish I had no emotions. It is too unbearable sometimes and this is when I become weak and stupid.
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Old 04-20-2010, 01:53 PM
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Honey, nothing is wrong with you. You are normal. It is easier to hate them and want to get away from them when they are being a-holes. It's harder when they appear sweet, remorseful and/or healthy.

I'm sorry it's a hard day. Just don't make your choices based on his fleeting good behavior when history tells you differently. (((hugs)))
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Old 04-20-2010, 01:55 PM
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Yeah, it's difficult but you did great not responding to the text. It's amazing how they can kick it into gear when they see that you have really had enough. Don't be fooled. He could have gotten a job before and he could have cleaned out the unit before and the only reason he says he is doing it now is to manipulate you into backing down. Don't fall for it. As you said, once he starts drinking, he'll turn nasty, but you will already be over the hump. Hang in there.
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Old 04-20-2010, 01:55 PM
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well mischa, we have a saying here: don't pay attention to what they SAY pay attention to what they DO.

i hope he does all those things but in my experience, my xABF would say just about anything when he sensed i was leaving. he rarely did any of them.

quack, quack, quack.

one day at a time. just get through today, mischa. continue to make your moves, such as cancelling the payment of the storage unit and notifying him of the deadline.

after that, it's really his affair. best for you to step back.

i wouldn't be surprised if he does NONE of those things. you might have to take some steps to get his stuff out of your house. i don't really like the idea of him coming there, even with a police officer.

is there an alternative place you can leave his things for him?

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Old 04-20-2010, 02:09 PM
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RIGHT. After ALL this time he is NOW going to change? Don't bet on it. He is FULL OF IT mishaco1.

And don't you fall for his manipulations and other crap. Turn your head away from him. He is filling you full of negativity and poison. He is TOO trying to guilt you, saying you hate him. Oh poor drunk baby!!! IGNORE HIS TEXTS! Don't talk to him. It's none of your business that he has a job interview. He is NOT sober. And he doesn't need to bring a cop to your house; what a con artist! AS IF he NEEDS a cop to come to your house, yeah right.

Of course you are having an anxiety attack. You are interacting with HIM, aren't you? Every single time I would TALK to my XA+ABF, I would have a panic attack. That is the point of going no contact. Just go no contact with him again please, and these will stop. No talking, no texting, no emails, no facebook, NO contact. They do EVERYTHING you talked about in your post to get you to REACT the EXACT way you are reacting. It is to weaken you and bring you back to him. Don't fall for it, take three deep breaths, and three GIANT steps back out of it.

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Old 04-20-2010, 02:16 PM
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That is what I think about that!

I think your feelings are normal. Even if he does do all that - good - it is what normal adults do. Take advantage of it while it lasts because I bet it won't last long!
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Old 04-20-2010, 02:19 PM
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Hi misha, sending hugs and support. Separations are tough especially when they have been traumatic or done great damage. Mourning is normal, is healthy and expected and needed. I personally wouldn't be alone with that guy. And I congratulate you for your decisions.

Master manipulators are like that.They will say or do anything just to get what they want. The only way to win? not playing. No contact.

Do you trust HP/God? work on your trust and fears of the future will subside. No one knows what will happen. But HP has your back and gave you bravery and intelligence to do what you did. Those traits will help you if you need to protect yourself in any future situation. Chances are he will see you are not joking and get someone else who will buy his BS. Gladly it will happen in an alternate universe where you no longer reside and gets further away each day that passes.

And the air will be more fresh, the sun will be more bright and the flowers will be more colorful.

Its just a tunnel, there's light at the end. Much light, love, compassion, peace, forgiveness, smiles, growth, great moments and presents that were always yours- you just didn't want to unwrap them then. But now its time to receive all that is good. ALL the good that life has in store for you. Why? easy, because you deserve it.

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Old 04-20-2010, 02:30 PM
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The ol switch and bait routine.... I've been thru it too... I'm sure a lot of us here have... but I can only speak for myself.

Sure enough... my exaH said for a full month he was coming to get his stuff and didn't show... he said what he said to pull my chain... that's called manipulation.

I learned here that at least one year of sobriety is the only thing to consider as being a "real change"... and in reality it should be at least two years...

I remember reading on here... can't remember where.... but the alcoholic/addict needs us more than we need them and they WILL DO ANYTHING to keep us under their thumb... it's called "the dance". Show him how big girls dance.... bee bop right on down the road.... waving your hands in the air... wave them around like you just don't care.

Please remember that when you hear the quacking.

Take care of YOU.
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Old 04-20-2010, 02:49 PM
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Thank you. I guess I just have a hard time sorting through these painful emotions. They overpower me a lot. And then I start to feel so bad. I start to wonder if he is okay or if he is sad... But why? He says I hate him and that he is sad and he cares about me. But that is such BS and I know it. Yet, I still feel so sorry for him because I love him and I don't want to hurt him. He HURTS me daily so why the F--- do I care!? I really truly hate this.

Anvil - you are right. It is about time he has an interview, it is about time he gets his crap because he knows I will not pay it now that I have been in contact with a lawyer. But Naive also hit it on the nail - I know he is working on the unit now but is he going to get drunk tomorrow, not go to the interview and not get the rest of it cleaned out?! Who knows. So I think my anxiety stems from not knowing what to expect. It is like I am happy he is doing this IF it gets done but I am not sure it is really going to get done because I have no idea when his next drink will be... (I could care less about the interview because it's not my problem, but the storage unit is in my name so I want that done)

And then I start to go back in my brain and think that I am making the wrong decision. When I am feeling crappy about something, my lovely brain likes to remind me of all the good times... All the fun, all the promises, all the plans we had for the future. I miss talking to him (or so my brain tells me) and I miss seeing him or touching him...

Naive - there is really not an optional place for me to leave his things. When I say he has nothing, I literally means he has NOTHING - except for what somebody in my other thread so kindly pointed out (can't remember who it was but THANK YOU) his abusive brother, mother and father. He has not one friend, no car, no house, no job, nothing. And the only place I could take it to would be his parents house and I am more afraid of them than I am of him. Since there is a restraining order, the cops need to come with him to get his things - I would be okay with that.

Stella - you are SO right. I think I would much rather him treat me like sh*t all the time. Then I could just go on being angry with him and not caring... But that is where the manipulation comes into play.

My emotions are conflicting... I feel bad, I want him in my life and I love him and it hurts but then I am so angry and so frustrated with the binging and the lies and the manipulation and I want him nowhere near me.

Sometimes I feel crazy...

I went outside (It's cold) and I got on my deathboard which just happened to be in my car (deathboard = snowboard with skateboard wheels attached to it). This is some new, crazy, scary, fun hobby I am picking up... Of course, being almost 30 and not fearless, I don't do anything fancy and I am scared to go faster than walking speed but it cleared my head a bit - made me forget for a bit and I got some fresh, brisk air. I can't concentrate on him when I am trying to concentrate on not breaking my arms, legs or pelvis! I need to remember to do things like this in order to make my emotions go into something else other than him...
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Old 04-20-2010, 04:13 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
here's a bit i want you to think this "man" who has no job, no car, no house, not even a pot to **** in, can ALWAYS find a way to fund his next drunk or high......isn't that amazing? can't get his act together and do the regular day to day stuff like most other grown ups, BUT you can bet dollars to donuts he'll be clutching a bottle of something within the next 24-48 hrs or so.........

WHAT does that TELL you about the core of this man? why IS IT that no one WANTS to be a part of his life? as you go thru your hours and days please reflect on what is it you truly FEEL towards him......was there something intriguing about having this homeless vagabond who NEEDED you so much? was it that Bad Boy rebel? was it even the constant threat of abandonment that made the moments he DIDN'T leave so precious?

what does he HAVE to offer you? what does history tell you? what do the FACTS tell you?

You are absolutely right. It is hard for me to accept though. But I know what you mean. He has noting and yet, he is still drunk all the time. Funny how that works.

I think I keep holding onto how it was before he was in the motorcycle accident a year and a few months ago. I mean, he was a kind man with friends, a job, his son, etc. He drank, but nothing out of the ordinary. A few drinks here and there. He had been laid off and was trying to hold jobs down and then started to work a steady job and then he got in the accident, got drunk all the time, got physical, lost his job and well, the rest is history. We were together for two years of the "good" days and then he got in the motorcycle accident and turned into a raging alcoholic.

And I still hold onto a lot of anger because of that but it would have happened eventually. Something would have turned him into the raging alcoholic he is today. And what if we would have been married or had kids of our own? I couldn't imagine having to do this with a child to worry about or divorce papers to try to get signed. Hell, I can't even get him to clean out the storage unit that has all of HIS stuff in it.

I need to take it day by day and I need to remember these things and I need to figure out a way to get the thought in my mind that he can go back to the way he was someday. But even if he did, we would not be a part of each others lives so I really need to stop. It shouldn't matter at this point what happens to him but it is hard not to care and not to worry.
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Old 04-20-2010, 09:24 PM
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So thats what that feeling is in my chest, when my AXBF shows up at my house... a panic attack. I know how you feel mishaco. What a horrible feeling. I can't even think straight when that happens to me, my head feels like it's going to explode.

I take deep breaths and repeat the serenity prayer over and over. That helps me.

My ex couldn't afford to give me $20 a month for the cable bill, but had no problem spending $40 every couple of weeks for a bag of pot, or drinking Jim Beam over the weekends at bars. I feel so stupid when I look back at it now, what the heck was I thinking, making excuses for why this was okay??

But I learned from all of it, as you are now. These experiences with him will shape the rest of your life, helping you to realize what is and what isn't acceptable for you. I'm really holding tight to the idea that all of these lessons I learned from the mistakes I made with the man will lead me toward healthy relationships in my future. Now I know what i do and do not deserve. And indirectly, I have him to thank for that.

Stay strong, take care, and keep riding that board!!!
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Old 04-21-2010, 06:34 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
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quote ((I can't concentrate on him when I am trying to concentrate on not breaking my arms, legs or pelvis! )) :rotfxko

Oh my goodness, so much for me suggesting the use of meditation, reading, yoga and other ways to take concentration off the A.

I bet this works very well, as I would be too scared to think of anything else but keeping my old bones, still attached and where they belong.

Panic attacks are no fun, and the physical aspects can really terrify someone into thinking they are having a heart attack, or suffocating.

My sister cannot go into a supermarket, shop or shopping mall for more than 5 minutes before she sweats up, and gets a wild look on her face, and out she goes, like a rabbit from a hole. She keeps to herself and avoids people, even those she has known for years, holing herself up at home with her bottles of wine. Mum and I have our hearts bleeding for her, and can do nothing.

I hope your man does as he says, Misha but, like others here will be surprised if he does.

God bless
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Old 04-21-2010, 06:52 AM
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I guess I just have a hard time sorting through these painful emotions. They overpower me a lot. And then I start to feel so bad. I start to wonder if he is okay or if he is sad... But why?

Just as the alcoholic has turned to booze repeatedly to cope with pain and emotional strife, so we codies will try to focus on the A instead of sitting with our own pain, our own faults, our own problems! You start feeling bad and then you start wondering about him. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Pretty classic really, so don't beat yourself up.

But nothing changes if nothing changes so what little plan can you make, and stick to, that will get your mind to stay focused on you?

I found the serenity prayer helped a lot. And keeping my own little list of dreams to achieve or even simple "to do" stuff handy.

Also, allowing myself to feel MY feelings. Mine. Not think about if he is hurting or changing or drinking or not drinking. Just deep breath and feel what I am feeling right now in the moment.

When I was first breaking codie habits of mind I found it helpful to write out my little plan for the day. Then no matter what BS came up from any quarter I just stuck to my plan.

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Old 04-21-2010, 07:09 AM
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Just as the alcoholic has turned to booze repeatedly to cope with pain and emotional strife, so we codies will try to focus on the A....

Amen, Bernadette! So very right. My "drug" has ALWAYS been the man in my life.

To escape from my own "stuff" ?? It never feels like that's what I'm doing. But there must be truth in it, since I've heard it so many times.

To elevate my status as "the good one", "the higher functioning one", "the better-than-you" one. Ooh, ouch. Maybe.

This is what I'm experiencing. (I can't even believe it)
I am starting to very slowly stop wanting to run to him, to be with him in the night (that one's harder), and to "help" him when he's having an issue. I have gone from "I have never loved any man as strongly as I love you" (still true) and "I will miss you every day for the rest of my life" to being able to visualize a future that I don't.

It's scary and encouraging both. The loyalty to him, to the notion of us being so right for each other, is strong.

But you'll get there, Mis. Right now, this is THE MOST INTENSE PART. One day, one moment at a time, one foot in front of the other. Humans always want to escape pain. It's painful!! But it DOESN'T last.

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