Kittyboo

I recall a while ago there was a discussion about the feeling of rejection, and especially feeling rejected by someone who should be so grateful you care so much for them. I have been thinking a lot about this lately, and I think I just need to talk about it for myself. And hopefully it will end up offering some kind of comfort to others.

I'm much better off of course than where I was months ago. But i'm still processing this feeling of "being rejected by the reject". And I was thinking how the feeling of rejection can seap into us and make us cling to something that we don't really want in the first place. The rejector seems to become this idea of unattainable perfection...because we can't have them?

I think back to the few times I actually got to spend with my XA, and one specifically the morning after his drunken car accident. And he was standing in his living room (which is furnished like a 20 year olds first apt, he's 34... he used to say he was a minimalist and didn't need "nice" things). I was sitting on his couch, he was standing there in just boxers, looking pretty worn...and as I looked at him, I actually thought to myself "do I really want this for the rest of my life? Do I really want to be with him?"

I don't smoke, he smokes, I don't do drugs, I know he has done coke (though I don't know how much or if it's often), I don't really drink, he drinks...well, that goes without saying here. I don't want someone who lies to me, he lied to me...ALL of the time, I just didn't realize it. I don't want someone who is manipulative, he is manipulative. I don't want someone who could care less if I am hurt, he didn't care if I was hurt....atleast he didn't care when he didn't need me anymore.
He actually represents EVERYTHING that I DON'T want in someone.

But when he wanted his ex-wife back, all of a sudden, this temendous loss I felt was overwhelming. This feeling that there MUST be a part of him that is loving, good, caring, affectionate, honest, etc...because why would ANYONE be with him otherwise. Then being overwhelmed with the feeling that she was worth fighting for to him. That's really difficult to not take personally, like a wrenching pain that carves away your self-worth.
Then when I had seen pics of them together, there was always a beer in hand, and it just all made sense. For a moment...it all makes sense, for a moment.

The power of missing the person who they PRETEND to be is extremely powerful. I do NOT miss the man he actually is. But mourning the loss of everything I thought he was can be overwhelming.
And when you miss who you thought they were....it's so easy to imagine that the person they are with actually got the person you thought they were.
Last night I was remember how much I miss his voice, and miss the hours of conversation we would have, and how at the time they all seemed so normal, so sincere, so heartfelt. I haven't thought about his actual voice in months, and it hurt to think that now she gets to hear his voice....because he wants her to. And it's so easy to not think about all of the bad traits she is getting too.

I've just been thinking a lot about rejection, and how interesting it is that feeling as if I have been rejected by someone who I cared about so much, but who in reality represents all that I don't want for myself, can be so powerful that it seems to trump out remembering who he actually is, and causes such hurt that comes from the idea that now I can no longer be with him.

It's like fighting against the feeling of rejection.

Summerpeach

my ex rejected me and I was SHOCKED since he chased me down, was a full blown addict and like your ex, had nothing. He used to ask me for money. I always thought he was such a loser, but he was the guy that filled my time after a 15 yr marriage.

Then he left me and wow, talk about the feeling of rejection. It took me months to realize, I was not rejected, I was set free. My therapist explained, he could not live up to someone with a great job, very independent etc, so he leet go because he knew it was a matter of time that I would come out of my "fog' and reject him anyway.

These people reject themselves every day, so it makes sense they throw everyone else away.

Rejection is usually never personal.

I forgave my ex and you will too, once you realize, you got the best gift of all :-)

Kittyboo

Thank you Summerpeach-

Wow, I think I am super sensitve right now because I am packing up all of my things for my move....which I am SOOO GRATEFUL is right around the corner, but it is just a lot harder than I would like for it to be. I just have tears streaming down my face. blah!

The way your therapist explained it to you is actually the way my therapist explained it to me too. So there must be truth to it!!
You actually had a life with your A, mine kept me at a very calculated physical distance. I don't think he ever wanted me to see him in his "natural habitat".
When he came over to my apt...ONCE, I have very nice things, I am very together in that sense, and am extremely independent, he stayed for about 25 minutes before he bolted out. I literally heard his car peel out of the parking lot. I was just so hurt thinking he had to get away from me THAT fast??
I called him 40 minutes later and I could hear him using his inhaler over the phone, he said he had a panic attack (which with his anxiety disorder, and ptsd it's common for him)but clearly that visit with me triggered that in him. I almost feel like he thought I was "too together". When hey, I have my not so togetherness like everyone else too.

When he went back to his ex who was 20 when they met, and 24 now....he said to me "she accepts me, she knows what it's like to live with me."
That said it all really....she DOES accept him. And she DOES know what its like to really be with him. I never got that chance. So yes, essentially, Im left with what I IMAGINED it would have been like with him.

I forgive him. I want nothing to do with him, but I forgive him. I'm still hurt over him calling my feelings for him psychotic, when to me they were just real. But I know I will get over that pain too.
The emotions are so conflicting....i'm so hurt over the way I allowed myself to be treated and furious, but still so hurt that there is no goodbye. I came here for someone who I thought was real, and there's no hug, no goodbye, no you were important to me. I know those are ideal thoughts, but one's that just hurt right now.

But thank you for your words!

Duped

It's funny, I'm starting to wonder, how many people on here actually had their SO/Ex A chase them? Mine wrote me love letters, did most of the pursuing etc. It's almost like they smell a victim or something. Anyone else get that feeling sometimes? Then when they finally realise they can't use/control/push you around, well, you're as good as done.

Because that's the distinct feeling I've always got in my relationship.

I'm not really shocked my ex eventually rejected me, she never treated me very well much to begin with. I was really only ever a wallet to her I think in hindsight.

One of the last arguments we had, she kept saying that I think that I am better than her and then she proceeded to attack me, sarcastically saying, "Oh, big man with the job and career."

So that might confirm what your therapist said.

tpen

Mine XAGF also chased me and indicated I would lead the family in prayer, and be a man of God to her kids. So many words and promises that first 4-6 mths. Then, wam it was gone and became accusations that I was comparing her to then when I would say I miss those "lifting and touching comments". What I realized more and more, is they were simply words, not actions.

I still remember them so vividly, the comments and praising my committment to HP. I've never had that in any relationship and felt so open with her spiritually. In the end, my committment to a HP was turned against me and was called a "martyr". Wow, who is this person? All I can attribute it to is the sickness of alcholism.

Kittyboo

Duped
In the beginning yes, my XA was like Prince Charming....so he chased me in a sense. But he was also newly separated from his now again GF. Huge red flag which I had no idea would come back to haunt me later.
When I look back on it, I realise I was someone who he used as his soundboard, he was emotionally devistated and I helped pick his ego right back up.
He would say just enough to keep me hooked...but never offering it all. And I fell for it all, because I admit, I wanted to be with him, so I let A LOT slide, and also attributed a lot of his distant behavior to ptsd.

It's so funny, you're right, the moment they know they can't really control you, and I think with him, especially the moment he realized that I viewed his drinking as an issue...it was within that same week that his ex miraculously appeared back in his life.
The night of his car accident he admitted to me he was an alcoholic, and wanted to stop, in tears. I discussed with him the idea of rehab, and stopping and I would be there to help him through it.
By the next day he was saying that he could control his drinking, and didn't need to stop. 2 days later, the communication with his ex was full blown out in the open.
He told me that she was trying so hard to get him back, that she had realized what she lost....but there is NO way I think that is true...I think he fought to get her back, while lying to me about it.
It wasn't until their relationship was concrete again that he decided to be "honest" because he had to be. He was moving her here.

I mean the sequence of events is just so in my face screaming the motivation behind it. Like you, I should not be shocked I was rejected, I was never treated very well...I was just a tool for him to use as a shoulder to cry on when he needed it.

Duped

That sounds similar to me - the first 4 or 5 months were fine. She kept saying how she 'wanted to settle down'. Wrote me tonnes of letters, professed her undying love for me, asked me to marry her...kept saying how she admired my Christian upbringing, and noting how we both 'shared the same values'....then it all stopped. Once I moved in and was paying the bills, it became a different story.

I have no doubt had I not left, it would have just kept getting worse. I lasted less than 3 months living with her.

tpen

I was also complimented with how beautiful a birthmark was on me. Never before had I heard any person say that! I was like, oh my, how comforting. Looking at it now, XAGF was simply playing with me to love and accept her even more. In the last one year, I had never even heard her mention it again. Almost like three people in one. 1) Chaser, praiser; 2) Manipulator, liar; and 3) Cold, Oblivious to feelings.

Duped

Yep. Same here. Everything was fine until I questioned her drinking. Then the final about face occurred. I was instantly her enemy. Then all her enabler friends, including her ex bf who had drug problems, whom was very instrumental in her downfall and subsequent rehab stint, well, he somehow cajoled his way back into her life.

Duped

Heh.

Mine used all the flattery you could imagine. Made me feel special and important.

Now she gravitates between 2) and 3). If 2) doesn't work, then she moves to 3).

She only fully gave up when she finally realised I refused to budge anymore. She said, "let's be friends" as a way to try and rope me back in. When I said, "No thanks" she became number 3) and has remained more or less that way ever since, only breaking the silence to slander me every now and then.

Ho-hum.

Summerpeach

Kitty, I didn't have a life with this guy. He was the guy I "hung out" with after my 15 yr relationship ended.
He never lived with me. Heck, I never even slept at his house.
He was a "filler" for 2 yrs.

Kittyboo

I am actually born cathiloc, though I admit I don't go to mass every Sunday I have adopted more of a spiritual view...
anyway- in the beginning before my XA really knew that, he played up the catholicism, he told me how when he was over in Iraq, he really started to pray (which I have no doubt to be true) but he went on to tell me how he actually converted to catholicism afterwards. Which I no longer believe.
Later, we would talk more about spirituality, and like me THAT seemed to be the path that he agreed most with.

His gf's family is extremely religious (well, besides the drinking and cussing they all do). It's just all such a hyprocritical environment.

Kittyboo

Oh Summer- i'm sorry- I got confused, I thought you were married to him for 15 year. I get it now.

tpen

In November when I broke up with her due to trust issues. Her reply also was "lets be friends". Funny how it's all the same. I eventually went back as I gave in to her repeated txt messages. Txt messages? How immature, why not drive 5 hours and say sorry?

I tell you, when your in the fog, there is no sense of direction and you see a bush or tree and cling to it. Once out of the fog, every rise, draw, shiny, dull object is viewed much, much clearer.

Kittyboo

Yep. Same here. Everything was fine until I questioned her drinking. Then the final about face occurred. I was instantly her enemy. Then all her enabler friends, including her ex bf who had drug problems, whom was very instrumental in her downfall and subsequent rehab stint, well, he somehow cajoled his way back into her life.

Duped - totally get it! Isn't it just amazing how anyone who was involved in their initial downfall all of a sudden seem to be the only one's who they think can "save" them? Atleast that's what mine said.

Kittyboo

I cut off communication with mine when his ex entered the picture again. I was just immediately triggered with distrust and I knew something wasn't right...no matter what he said.
But he tried to say at first that he wanted to be her friend but didn't want her back. We stayed in each others lives for another month as distant friends. I realize that he was even more distant because he was actually putting all of his energy into getting her back... there was no longer a need for me.

Hey, mine couldn't even drive 10 miles up the road to have a convo with me, and totally blew me off when I asked him to have one last lunch with me. Hurt hurt and hurt!

So he never actually tried to be my friend once he got her back. I got the occassional blocked call, which I knew was him as I heard friends in the background. But that was it.
Until the drunk email he sent in the beginning of Feb sending his "sincere apology" and wanting to be friends. But never saying one word to me again.
Once again setting me off emotionally until we finally had it out via text a couple of weeks ago...then of course is when I got blamed for it all, and the ending of our friendship.

Friendship??...right.

Duped

I wonder if it's that this person can save her, or that she needs him to say, "there, there, it'll be alright, here, have a shot of whiskey/wine/beer, let's snort a line."

Whatever it is, he began to kiss her arse again and I was gonzo.

There's two sides in her life - all her enablers = buddies
Anyone who questions her drinking or has their lives together (good job, marriage etc) = enemy

Duped

I went back to mine 3, 4 times. Who knows what I was thinking. She would snake charm me back. Then she would do something heinous and I would realise that nothing had changed.

Duped

Man, they all follow the same patterns, don't they?

Her ex started emailing her, pledging his undying love for her.....and she was lapping it up. I asked her why the communication all of a sudden, and she would simply say, "YOU KNOW HOW TO PUSH MY BUTTONS, DON'T YOU". The next time, she said, oh, well, he's been ill and had a heart attack, so I was just sending him my best wishes.

Meanwhile she had joined his band's site on FB and on myspace (this was when I was still rabidly codie and checking up on her all the time).

But really, if she had really been intent on recovery, she would have iced the loser. Instead, they're buddy buddy again, and she thought somehow that I was stupid.

Jadmack25

I think the therapists were correct, you were too much woman for these weak men to handle.
I also believe they knew that their way of life, would eventually turn you off, and you would say goodbye to them, so they got in first.

Seen that and heard it a few times before from clients and their exs.

God bless