Fighting against rejection
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Originally Posted by Kittyboo 
Lulu- I often think the same thing. Then I think well, my XA left his ex once, and she took him back....so maybe he's not THAT bad. Maybe he really is amazing with her since she took him back and wants to be with him so much....
then I read stories like above and it's a reality check. Granted, everyone's story is different, but there are so many other similarities...why would that be different.
then I read stories like above and it's a reality check. Granted, everyone's story is different, but there are so many other similarities...why would that be different.
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I think the thing that stands out most on this thread is that rejection is painful. So painful that we want to avoid it at all costs. Even if it means being with someone who we know is wrong for us. That we are sometimes willing to sacrifice our own needs and best interests just to avoid being rejected.
I've said before that most, if not all, of my self-destructive behaviors arose out of my fear of uncomfortable feelings. Rejection is pretty much at the top of the uncomfortable list.
L
I've said before that most, if not all, of my self-destructive behaviors arose out of my fear of uncomfortable feelings. Rejection is pretty much at the top of the uncomfortable list.
L
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From Kittyboo
he doesn't say anything bad about me....he actually comes across as a sincere caring man who never wanted to hurt me.
LOL! that happened me too. He tried that with someone he knew I was very sincere with. So this mutual person told me "he is not evil, he has never talked badly about you, he is a good person...just...too.... young"
Curious how the story changes according to the one listening to them! funny
they would make good actors and politicians. If they weren't in the bar.
he doesn't say anything bad about me....he actually comes across as a sincere caring man who never wanted to hurt me.
LOL! that happened me too. He tried that with someone he knew I was very sincere with. So this mutual person told me "he is not evil, he has never talked badly about you, he is a good person...just...too.... young"
Curious how the story changes according to the one listening to them! funny
they would make good actors and politicians. If they weren't in the bar.
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OMG, TC- LOL!!! I know
Too funny - Exactly the same thing, my mutual friend said to me "you know I gotta tell you, he really did sound sincere"
Yeah!! He SOUNDED sincere when he used to speak to me too! What a crock. I did say once before of I had an Academy Award, I would hand it over...for sure. It's incredible.
Too funny - Exactly the same thing, my mutual friend said to me "you know I gotta tell you, he really did sound sincere"
Yeah!! He SOUNDED sincere when he used to speak to me too! What a crock. I did say once before of I had an Academy Award, I would hand it over...for sure. It's incredible.
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I found out my hubby was talking all sorts of trash about me to everyone. And not all of them were trashy alcoholics. I found this out when I met his new boss's wife. I said something about how I heard such great things about her. She got such a look on her face. She told me later what he had been saying. The funny thing is that the people my husband drank with knew he was lying because they know and respect me.
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"sarcastically saying, "Oh, big man with the job and career."
To me this reeks of self hatred. Most active addicts (myself included in the past) project their own self hatred, fears etc. onto others... Especially those who love them because it is safe. Accordingly putting up concrete boundaries and not allowing yourself to be used abused is key (thanks for cutting me off mom and dad). Normal sane people get sucked in as the addict appears sane at first and unbalanced sick behavior only seems to emerge after a honeymoon period. That being said even when normal ( if there is such a thing) realtively bealthy relationships end, it natural and healthy (a good thing that means you're not a sociopath) to go through a perion of mourning for a while. Addicts seem incapable of this and jump from enabeler to enabler as quickly as possible without a period of reflection/ mourning as the primary relationship is with their DOC not the sig other in a relationship. It's as if you're really the boy toy/ mistress in to the addicts primary relationship. Just my 2 cents. Great thread, made me think in a good way.
To me this reeks of self hatred. Most active addicts (myself included in the past) project their own self hatred, fears etc. onto others... Especially those who love them because it is safe. Accordingly putting up concrete boundaries and not allowing yourself to be used abused is key (thanks for cutting me off mom and dad). Normal sane people get sucked in as the addict appears sane at first and unbalanced sick behavior only seems to emerge after a honeymoon period. That being said even when normal ( if there is such a thing) realtively bealthy relationships end, it natural and healthy (a good thing that means you're not a sociopath) to go through a perion of mourning for a while. Addicts seem incapable of this and jump from enabeler to enabler as quickly as possible without a period of reflection/ mourning as the primary relationship is with their DOC not the sig other in a relationship. It's as if you're really the boy toy/ mistress in to the addicts primary relationship. Just my 2 cents. Great thread, made me think in a good way.
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I am blown away by how all the stories echo the same things when it comes to the addict!
My XABF was always telling me that I expected too much, that what he had was NEVER enough, I always wanted more..quack quack quack!
I did have expectations, I did have dreams, I did have future plans. He couldn't plan any farther than his next 6 pack. We have been NC for almost 3 months now. It's a blessing. No texting, no online presence, no drunk phone calls...although I will admit in the beginning I WANTED him to validate my worth in our relationship. That my leaving was devastating to him somehow. I wanted to know that HE MISSED ME.
Since I never got that, I heard from friends he's still at the bars, still drinking, so nothing has changed for HIM. But life has completely changed for me! Praise God!
It made me laugh about the 34yr old living in an apt decorated like he was a broke college student. OMGosh, my A was the same way. Can we say Van Halen and Bruce Lee pictures in the living room? Crappy hand me down furniture, and he had a TWIN BED when I met him. The man is 40yrs old, sleeping on his bed from 8th grade! WTH was I thinking right???
When I pressed him that we get a Queen Bed (which we did!), he couldn't understand why that was a big deal!? SERIOUSLY????
All the signs, red flags, alerts, were so present, and I chose to ignore them all! This thread is awesome, and I am grateful that I no longer have to live my life being less than!
My XABF was always telling me that I expected too much, that what he had was NEVER enough, I always wanted more..quack quack quack!
I did have expectations, I did have dreams, I did have future plans. He couldn't plan any farther than his next 6 pack. We have been NC for almost 3 months now. It's a blessing. No texting, no online presence, no drunk phone calls...although I will admit in the beginning I WANTED him to validate my worth in our relationship. That my leaving was devastating to him somehow. I wanted to know that HE MISSED ME.
Since I never got that, I heard from friends he's still at the bars, still drinking, so nothing has changed for HIM. But life has completely changed for me! Praise God!
It made me laugh about the 34yr old living in an apt decorated like he was a broke college student. OMGosh, my A was the same way. Can we say Van Halen and Bruce Lee pictures in the living room? Crappy hand me down furniture, and he had a TWIN BED when I met him. The man is 40yrs old, sleeping on his bed from 8th grade! WTH was I thinking right???
When I pressed him that we get a Queen Bed (which we did!), he couldn't understand why that was a big deal!? SERIOUSLY????
All the signs, red flags, alerts, were so present, and I chose to ignore them all! This thread is awesome, and I am grateful that I no longer have to live my life being less than!
today4me
Join Date: Apr 2010
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Originally Posted by IamSaved
I am blown away by how all the stories echo the same things when it comes to the addict! My XABF was always telling me that I expected too much, that what he had was NEVER enough, I always wanted more..quack quack quack!
Mirroring again?......She claimed I was expecting too much and was always needy. I just wanted to be heard about an issue/problem I was having.
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I feel a little silly right now because I'm sleeping on a twin bed right now, but it's only temporary - I had to leave and bolted with only my bare necessities, and ironically, my exagf has the lovely two bedroom two floor apartment with the nice sunny deck and I'm stuck in an apartment at a family member's house. But I'll bounce back. I've had a lot of expenses with lawyers and for my child of course.
I may not be living at Trump towers but I have my sanity.
I may not be living at Trump towers but I have my sanity.
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I just posted in another thread but I had an expereince today. My rejection feelings were helped today when I cam across another A who was drinking. I swear it brought me back and I am not sure I care that much that he rejected me anymore..Funny how these things work
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Originally Posted by Duped
I feel a little silly right now because I'm sleeping on a twin bed right now, but it's only temporary - I had to leave and bolted with only my bare necessities, and ironically, my exagf has the lovely two bedroom two floor apartment with the nice sunny deck and I'm stuck in an apartment at a family member's house. But I'll bounce back. I've had a lot of expenses with lawyers and for my child of course.
I may not be living at Trump towers but I have my sanity.
I may not be living at Trump towers but I have my sanity.
His entire condo reflected how much he didn't care about himself, or his environment. His lack of self respect in his home should have been another red flag. I now have a beautiful apartment, with all new furniture...and I am SURE if he came over, he would have nothing but criticism about my stuff, because, according to him, "You are so much better than me, and nothing I have is good enough for you."
tpen, thanks for the nice welcome back. It's nice to be missed!
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Originally Posted by tpen
Thanks IamSaved as I hadn't heard from you lately.
Mirroring again?......She claimed I was expecting too much and was always needy. I just wanted to be heard about an issue/problem I was having.
Mirroring again?......She claimed I was expecting too much and was always needy. I just wanted to be heard about an issue/problem I was having.
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Originally Posted by IamSaved
Duped, I only meant it in the context of my X. I am sure you do NOT possess any of the stunted qualities that my X did. Sleeping on a twin bed in your circumstances is TEMPORARY at best. My X had the same bed since he was 12 yrs old??? Yeah, I think that's a little stunted, don't you?
His entire condo reflected how much he didn't care about himself, or his environment. His lack of self respect in his home should have been another red flag. I now have a beautiful apartment, with all new furniture...and I am SURE if he came over, he would have nothing but criticism about my stuff, because, according to him, "You are so much better than me, and nothing I have is good enough for you."
tpen, thanks for the nice welcome back. It's nice to be missed!
His entire condo reflected how much he didn't care about himself, or his environment. His lack of self respect in his home should have been another red flag. I now have a beautiful apartment, with all new furniture...and I am SURE if he came over, he would have nothing but criticism about my stuff, because, according to him, "You are so much better than me, and nothing I have is good enough for you."
tpen, thanks for the nice welcome back. It's nice to be missed!
I was merely reflecting on my own situation and my drive (and impatience) to make it better
today4me
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
Originally Posted by Duped
You very likely were needy - because addicts like to keep us needy. That's how they ma You gave her love and support and got little back - because they are incapable of giving anything back. What you were needy for was all the love and power you originally handed over to her, of which she leeched from you like a parasite, and only gave back mere morsels.
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Originally Posted by lulu1974
I just posted in another thread but I had an expereince today. My rejection feelings were helped today when I cam across another A who was drinking. I swear it brought me back and I am not sure I care that much that he rejected me anymore..Funny how these things work
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Again, such great thoughts!
ElegantlyWasted, this stuck out to me...
Most active addicts (myself included in the past) project their own self hatred, fears etc. onto others... Especially those who love them because it is safe.
I find that interesting because when my XA expressed to me that my mind was "psychotic to think I had a relationship with him"...and "you are clearly insane", well, those same things he used to say about himself. He really would criticize himself because of his ptsd.... he would make reference to how much the term "f'd up vets" really bothered him...because that's how he felt about himself.
He would tell me that the person who ends up with him gets someone who's really "f'd up in the head".
I reflect sometimes I feel like he would say certain things to me so that I would almost walk on eggshells around him, I would never want to push him too far because of how bad he felt about himself. Manipulation maybe.
He would also talk about a friend of his who drank too much and he didn't even want to hang around with him anymore. He would put this "friend" down, speaking as if he was above him and handled himself better.....but he very much acted like the friend he spoke about.
When you said "especially those they love because it's safe..." can you expand on that? I'm just curious as to why it's safe from your point of view.....
A couple of points have been made too about taking them back and then finding out they haven't changed.....well, I have an interesting perspective I suppose I should be grateful for, atleast in my situation.
When my XA left his ex, they obviously didn't see each other. Now, I have no idea what he said to get her back....but it was enough that he is completely accepted back into her family, and to get her to leave them and move 1500 miles away to be with him, removed from everyone she knows.
He must have said quite a bit about how he got his act together....
Well, being that I was the one who had contact with him while they were apart, I most certainly know he was NOT really working on himself all of that time. He found a shoulder to cry on....MINE. And he continued to drink every single night he was away from her. He lied to me, used me, (and I let him, I always feel the need to throw that in as I accept my part), he did coke atleast once that I know of as he admitted it, he slept with other girls.... and do you think that he admitted ALL of this to her as he begged her to come back?
Being that he lied to me about taking her back initially, he doesn't exactly display the characteristic of honesty.
So she could very well have thought that he had really really been changing..... when I know for a fact, he didn't work on himself at all.
Though she drinks with him, I don't really think that's her main concern with him, atleast not yet.
I forget that sometimes....that I saw him through his separation period.....and he did not return to her a better man.
And to the thoughts about all of the red flags that were seen beforehand, but not acknowledged. I am right there with you!! And my lesson...pay attention, and listen to your gut always.
ElegantlyWasted, this stuck out to me...
Most active addicts (myself included in the past) project their own self hatred, fears etc. onto others... Especially those who love them because it is safe.
I find that interesting because when my XA expressed to me that my mind was "psychotic to think I had a relationship with him"...and "you are clearly insane", well, those same things he used to say about himself. He really would criticize himself because of his ptsd.... he would make reference to how much the term "f'd up vets" really bothered him...because that's how he felt about himself.
He would tell me that the person who ends up with him gets someone who's really "f'd up in the head".
I reflect sometimes I feel like he would say certain things to me so that I would almost walk on eggshells around him, I would never want to push him too far because of how bad he felt about himself. Manipulation maybe.
He would also talk about a friend of his who drank too much and he didn't even want to hang around with him anymore. He would put this "friend" down, speaking as if he was above him and handled himself better.....but he very much acted like the friend he spoke about.
When you said "especially those they love because it's safe..." can you expand on that? I'm just curious as to why it's safe from your point of view.....
A couple of points have been made too about taking them back and then finding out they haven't changed.....well, I have an interesting perspective I suppose I should be grateful for, atleast in my situation.
When my XA left his ex, they obviously didn't see each other. Now, I have no idea what he said to get her back....but it was enough that he is completely accepted back into her family, and to get her to leave them and move 1500 miles away to be with him, removed from everyone she knows.
He must have said quite a bit about how he got his act together....
Well, being that I was the one who had contact with him while they were apart, I most certainly know he was NOT really working on himself all of that time. He found a shoulder to cry on....MINE. And he continued to drink every single night he was away from her. He lied to me, used me, (and I let him, I always feel the need to throw that in as I accept my part), he did coke atleast once that I know of as he admitted it, he slept with other girls.... and do you think that he admitted ALL of this to her as he begged her to come back?
Being that he lied to me about taking her back initially, he doesn't exactly display the characteristic of honesty.
So she could very well have thought that he had really really been changing..... when I know for a fact, he didn't work on himself at all.
Though she drinks with him, I don't really think that's her main concern with him, atleast not yet.
I forget that sometimes....that I saw him through his separation period.....and he did not return to her a better man.
And to the thoughts about all of the red flags that were seen beforehand, but not acknowledged. I am right there with you!! And my lesson...pay attention, and listen to your gut always.
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It was incredibly healing for me to know this happened to you, too Kitty. In fact I believe we are the same person. It made a difference in my day. Its great we can compare notes and know it was not a unique situation! In my case I "let him have" all the mutual friends. Very healing.
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to get her to leave them and move 1500 miles away to be with him, removed from everyone she knows.
around here they say alkies dont have relationships, they take 'hostages'
and so the cycle repeats, too bad she went back for more hell to ensue.
around here they say alkies dont have relationships, they take 'hostages'
and so the cycle repeats, too bad she went back for more hell to ensue.
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alkies dont have relationships, they take 'hostages'
TC- i've read that before. It certainly makes me think of him and her. I mean, I make a lot of assumptions about their relationship I suppose that I really have no idea about. But I take into account that the actions he displayed with me are absolutely in the textbook of standard alcoholic behavior.....so chances are his actions are not so different with her.
I think that's one of the reasons exactly why he "loves her"....I did find it interesting that he wanted her to move here. And no doubt he used his fabulous new job as the catalyst to prove that he could provide for her here.
I remember him telling me that the problems between them were caused by HER family and HER friends... they were always meddling, and if they would just stay out of it they would have been fine.
WOW!! Remembering that now it's just like lightbulb! He most certainly wanted to isolate her and keep her away from everyone she knows. He would complain about her ex boyfriends and how she would get drunk and go and see them and that would cause problems too..... it's always EVERYONE ELSE who caused all of THEIR problems.
What a drama filled relationship.
I feel for her though. Knowing what I know now about addictions and the life that goes with it. She's so young, and actually very talented musically from what I understand. He will suck the life out of her.
And I am not afraid to admit here now....the sickest thing of all that I would sit here and think about months ago..." But why am I not worth taking as a hostage???"
That's how much of my self-worth I attributed to him. God, I am so glad I am getting past that, and gaining my ground and strength back!
TC- i've read that before. It certainly makes me think of him and her. I mean, I make a lot of assumptions about their relationship I suppose that I really have no idea about. But I take into account that the actions he displayed with me are absolutely in the textbook of standard alcoholic behavior.....so chances are his actions are not so different with her.
I think that's one of the reasons exactly why he "loves her"....I did find it interesting that he wanted her to move here. And no doubt he used his fabulous new job as the catalyst to prove that he could provide for her here.
I remember him telling me that the problems between them were caused by HER family and HER friends... they were always meddling, and if they would just stay out of it they would have been fine.
WOW!! Remembering that now it's just like lightbulb! He most certainly wanted to isolate her and keep her away from everyone she knows. He would complain about her ex boyfriends and how she would get drunk and go and see them and that would cause problems too..... it's always EVERYONE ELSE who caused all of THEIR problems.
What a drama filled relationship.
I feel for her though. Knowing what I know now about addictions and the life that goes with it. She's so young, and actually very talented musically from what I understand. He will suck the life out of her.
And I am not afraid to admit here now....the sickest thing of all that I would sit here and think about months ago..." But why am I not worth taking as a hostage???"
That's how much of my self-worth I attributed to him. God, I am so glad I am getting past that, and gaining my ground and strength back!
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