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Trying to sort out my feelings about divorce..

Old 04-20-2010, 10:31 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Just for today....
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Trying to sort out my feelings about divorce..

I have been on an emotional rollercoaster since Friday.
I can honestly say for the first time in a long time I have managed to totally detach from stbxah and start focusing on me. Along this spiritual journey I have discovered some things about myself that are troubling

1. I believe I am addicted to drama. Since removing the focus from AH and putting it on myself I have had minimal worries. Of course the occasional financial worry, or something like that but nothing earth shattering. I don't feel right. I feel like I need to solve some sort of problem, or be in the mix of some kind of disaster. I have no idea what to do with myself. hence, I find myself searching out things to start fights about, or worry about. I have no idea how to fix that.

2. I am terrified about following in my parents footsteps, so much so that I obsess about it, turning a simple situation into a total mind game for myself. A brief history, my dad is a recovering alcoholic. been sober for 8 years. I have lived almost to the tee the same life my mom and dad lived. It is scary. When my parents divorced, they seperated for a year, my dad moved back in with us for 13 years, while they were still divorced, nothing changed and then they got remarried about 9 years ago...I am worried that I am going to do the same thing with my stbxah. Something as simple as my stbxah asking me if he wants to make dinner sends off red flags in my mind. We are living together during this, things have been fine and I would appreciate dinner after a long day at work, but does accepting this give off the wrong idea?

I have read posts from several posters who have gone through the same things I went through. One common thread between us is we always need that last bit of drama, that last "discovery" anything to help us justify why we are doing this. The best thing that happened to me was finding out the stbxah was cheating on me. This gave me the ammo to go out and file for divorce, because I had a "reason" now. Even though I had been unhappy for the last 4 years, I didn't feel I had a good enough "reason" to leave. Cheating would seal the deal, everyone would know that it had nothing to do with me, that he did the unthinkable, he cheated so noone would be mad if I left, and everyone would suppot my decesion. As long as stbaxh keeps on acting crazy, or I keep making discoveries along the way I can keep this divorce going without question, because he is a "bad person" and I don't deserve this. I am actually happy if he screws up, because this justifies my decesion. But when things are totally normal I feel weird. I don't feel like I don't want to be divorced, but I feel like I need "something" to keep it going. Does that make sense?

I addressed some of this on Sunday with stbaxh, I felt like I needed to let him know this divorce was going to happen. He replied, I know it is, believe me. Since detaching from him I think we both feel like a weight has been lifted. He stays out of my business and I stay out of his.

I am trying to pinpoint why I feel like this seperation has to be rotten, filthy and ugly for me to get through it. Shouldn't I be happy that we are getting along? The papers have been signed, default will be entered, meaning he did not get a lawyer to contest it, our judgement has been written up, we agree on visitation and child support, everything is moving along perfectly, better than I could have ever hoped for....so what gives with me?????
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Old 04-20-2010, 10:48 AM
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I think you'll find living apart settles a lot of the weird feelings. My xah didn't move out right away either and the anxiety was sky high. I hated when he was nice. I hated when he wanted to watch a movie, or eat together. It felt like a lie. It was a lie. It was tooooo weird. It lacked integrity. It was an action that was completely opposite of the reality and for a codie as used to acting opposite a feeling as I was to feel so much anxiety over this situation must have made it a very big deal, lol. We were not room mates or even friends at that point. We were getting a divorce and should have been separating our lives, not getting closer. He never did even half of that stuff 3 months prior. My case was different though because while my xah said he understood and accepted the divorce, he did not. He was trying to make everything go back to 'normal' and when he figured out it wasn't working, it came to a screeching halt.

I am not addicted to drama and love boring so I can't help there. It is mentioned in a lot of literature so I think it must be fairly common and I'm sure you'll get some good advice.
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Old 04-20-2010, 11:03 AM
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I have read posts from several posters who have gone through the same things I went through. One common thread between us is we always need that last bit of drama, that last "discovery" anything to help us justify why we are doing this. The best thing that happened to me was finding out the stbxah was cheating on me. This gave me the ammo to go out and file for divorce, because I had a "reason" now. Even though I had been unhappy for the last 4 years, I didn't feel I had a good enough "reason" to leave. Cheating would seal the deal, everyone would know that it had nothing to do with me, that he did the unthinkable, he cheated so noone would be mad if I left, and everyone would suppot my decesion. As long as stbaxh keeps on acting crazy, or I keep making discoveries along the way I can keep this divorce going without question, because he is a "bad person" and I don't deserve this. I am actually happy if he screws up, because this justifies my decesion. But when things are totally normal I feel weird. I don't feel like I don't want to be divorced, but I feel like I need "something" to keep it going. Does that make sense?
It makes sense to me....my "reason" was physical abuse, not cheating, but other than that I completely relate this. But my XAH has not come anywhere close to accepting things peacefully and drama free, and let me tell you, even though I consider myself someone who has problems with craving/creating drama, I wouldn't wish this amount of drama on my own worst enemy. Be careful what you wish for, is what I'm saying. If he's letting the divorce happen peacefully, don't rock that boat. Keep on keeping on, and try out for your local community theater if you don't have enough drama in your life.
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Old 04-20-2010, 11:24 AM
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Thumper,

YES. That is exactly how I feel. I just don't feel like it's right to eat together, or have him buy the family dinner, or I clean the house he works on the yard....it does seem to me like we should be working on "seperating" not working together. We even went bowling together on Saturday. We bowl on a family league once a month, May is the last month, so we thought what the heck, it's only 2 more months. This just doesn't seem normal to me..at all. He does make comments about staying, like when i say that door needs a new hinge, he says "well, I know how to do that, you might wanna consider keeping me around, I am pretty handy" and then laughs and assures me he is totally kidding. He seems very happy and relaxed without my head up hs butt all the time...
But I want to work more on the "seperating" part of the divorce....Of course it is good for the kids I guess. They still get both of their parents together for awhile longer.
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Old 04-20-2010, 11:50 AM
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Perhaps use this time to think about your idea of "working together".

You are "working together" to divorce in a friendly manner. It doesn't mean you have to spend all your time with him or fall in love again, but can you appreciate the congeniality and stay focused on the goal?
That takes serious work, but it is good work to do! It raises you to a high level of consciousness.

We are convivial AND know that we can't be married.
We can treat each other respectfully AND not be in love.
We can co-parent pleasantly AND not want to stay together.
We can even enjoy eachother's company AND not make good marriage partners.

You can do it.
His kindness and helpfulness does not erase his cheating on you or addictions.
Enjoy his good side and remind yourself constantly there are GOOD REASONS to not stay with him.

Hugs.
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Old 04-20-2010, 01:23 PM
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I hate to say it but I don't trust his acceptance or good graces one bit. I think it is denial at best or manipulation. Perhaps it is just to close to home and I can't separate the situations but just tread carefully and stay alert.
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