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Letting Go - no online checking

Old 04-19-2010, 08:57 PM
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today4me
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Letting Go - no online checking

Tonight I am giving a beautiful XAGF to the Lord to look over. I cannot keep doing what I am, and expecting it to be good for me, or for her, even though she doesn't know I look! So, I will miss her seeing her online presence as that was the only connection I had to her.

My prayers will be for her to find a HP and the right path in life to take. I miss her kids tremendously today as I teared up twice observing children playing. I am ready for this and have heard it from you, friends and my own sense. I WILL take one day at a time.
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Old 04-19-2010, 10:03 PM
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good for you and what wonderful progress. a true testament to what a wonderful person you are.
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Old 04-19-2010, 10:33 PM
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Welcome to Day1 of No Contact.

Its tough but its for the greater good.

You got a connection with her that goes beyond this life. The time will come when you see this connection as gifts she gave to you. One day you'll know this was an angel God sent you to be closer to grace and gratitude... to better understand what is Real and True and Worthy.. and what is not.

You got all the lessons you learned while with her, and while mourning what was.
You take her with you. (This was what my therapist told me..).

I insist you are doing very well, I tortured myself with contact for months and there you are going NC in a few days.

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Old 04-20-2010, 06:05 AM
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today4me
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 View Post
I insist you are doing very well, I tortured myself with contact for months and there you are going NC in a few days.
This is the first time in any relationship where I have let go. I usually call, write letters, or basically beg the person to reconsider. I hope it turns out good either way, me going on in life, or her finding God and sobriety. I know I'm not supposed to think that, but I do. I miss her.....
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Old 04-20-2010, 06:15 AM
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TC is right. She is with you, and the lessons still being learned will carry you into the next phase of your life. One day, you will see so much more than you are able to right now. That's what I'm also hanging onto for myself.
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Old 04-20-2010, 07:33 AM
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Everyone in this thread has given you great advice, tpen.

I remember my first bad breakup, almost 10 years ago (alcohol was not involved, but cheating was), I did like you, though back then it was a lot easier to hide online, not all the social networking. Still, I recall just sending e-mail after e-mail, even handwritten letters, and trying to get contact and interactions. In the end it never left me feeling any better, only worse.

This time, the first thing I realized I had to do was disconnect it all. Facebook, instant message clients, etc. Some people recommend changing e-mail and phone numbers too. I didn't go that far. It sounds like you still have some sort of hope of reconciliation. Not being against it is ok, but carrying hope it will happen will slow recovery. But if you keep your same e-mail and phone number, you can at least know if that if she REALLY wanted to recover and call, she had a line in, just DO NOT WAIT FOR IT TO HAPPEN.

Now that you have stopped checking her online status, it will be easier for you to move on. You have no idea how much better it will make you feel when you have ZERO contact with her all day. It makes such a difference.

Good luck, cheering for you.
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Old 04-20-2010, 11:24 AM
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Tpen, I just want to congratulate you on your strength.

You sound like such a caring, loving amazing individual...and no doubt, deserving of a woman who can match what you have to offer her.
I also truly believe that you will find all you deserve on your journey. None of us should ever settle for less...and next time we won't.

Sending you warm thoughts and hugs!
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Old 04-20-2010, 11:28 AM
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((tpen))

no matter what you and your HP will be ok - even better than ok!!

HUGS, (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity)
Rita
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Old 04-20-2010, 02:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Hammerhead View Post
I remember reading on here... can't remember where.... but the alcoholic/addict needs us more than we need them and they WILL DO ANYTHING to keep us under their thumb... it's called "the dance".
From another topic.....but struggling again today since it day 1 full no contact. What's doesn't my XAGF need me more than? Or, will it come when she's done with experiment #1 BF?

Sure just wish HP would zap her into recovery seeking mode.
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Old 04-20-2010, 02:50 PM
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Tpen...I read that today too, and for a sec I actually felt really bad because it was just a reminder that my XA didn't need me at all....but certainly needed someone else, and fought to keep her around.
I know I know, it's a blessing. Today it's just hurtful.

I don't get it. I'm so tired of thinking about it. Gosh, I wish my move was done with!
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Old 04-20-2010, 02:52 PM
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I am lonely for her yes, and I am weak again. I feel proud for NC, but want to express my loneliness for her on this post. You all have been supportive and I'm moving forward. I just miss her.............and it is selfish.

How do I/we know that other plans don't include me? I can hope and believe can't I and still move on with fixing myself? I can let go and let her live her life, but still love her. It's hard everyone...........I'm doing the right things, going to al anon, joining a golf club, volunteering. Just still love her and hope the best for her. Maybe it's not fully letting go then.
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Old 04-20-2010, 06:17 PM
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Tpen,

I am with you and can only tell you that I have had those same struggles but they will lessen with time. She was a big part of your life and despite the cheating and alcohol, you loved her anyway and you got used to her being a part of your life, and thought she would always be there. It is a major life change and a big adjustment.

And likewise, it is hard to fully let go and accept the fact that your relationship is over. But it may very well be. In fact, the present fact is, your relationship is over. And even if she is allowed back into your life (and this is all YOUR decision, not hers, should that chance come), your relationship will never ever be the same again. It is changed forever.

Still, I think the hard truth I have had to face in my situation, and you face in yours, is that our exes find it easier to run from the truth than face it. In getting into a new relationship, it's a "fresh start" to them, one without guilt, admission of problems, a person who has not seen their darkest sides, a person they do not have to look at and feel the guilt over what they have done to you. It, much like the alcohol, is their escape.

What works in your favor, with NC, aside from giving you a break, is that they WILL remember the fond happy times in your relationship as time goes on, probably even right now. Memories are strong. Unless you fought all the time, and I don't think you did, the new person does not have the benefit of the life you led together. Sure, they can make new memories, and in time those may be fonder to her than with you (yes, it happens unfortunately) but the idea of NC is that by then, you will feel the same way and be moving on in your life as well.

Very tough times right now, as it's hard to let go of them, and the past, and imagine a future of never seeing them again, but it is a reality we must face, at least for today.

Stay strong.
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Old 04-20-2010, 08:42 PM
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today4me
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DMKK - I like you. It's obviously because you say the right things that I want to hear. I respect others comments just as much too. Thank you for saying that as reading it just rings true and I do believe that is exactly what is going on. I just have to keep the mind busier I guess. I have to be patient with time also, and should not accept things to be easy and to "let go" overnight.

I cherish those good times and believe you are correct. I am super-duper proud of the man I was to her and her kids. I did have faults too, trust me. But, I admitted them and was eager to work on them.

Last night at Al Anon I was like in awe of where I was going and what doors were opening in my life. I'm here and there is no turning back, I want to learn more about this disease, but also improve myself to care better for me. There were times early in the relationship where I had every right to say, "no" and get up walk out and drive home. I was too afraid too because it would cause strain, or make her break up with me. That is a huge mistake and I learned a hard lesson on self respect.
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