great weekend
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
great weekend
Hey, all! I wanted to share some nice news...
So on Th. a new friend of my H invited us to weekend camping. (Yes! A friend! Is he hanging out with this guy 'cause I said something about him being isolated? Or because this guy is uber persistent? Who knows! Now, I think this guy likes alcohol an awful lot...but he is super nice and I like his wife, so I am going with it...)
This type of "last minute" stuff rubs my H wrong, usually, but he agreed to go - waffling and saying maybe just one night (I packed for two nights because I wanted to go for two!) I am usually the last min. type so I didn't mind at all.
Sat morning, people got up slowly and poked around the campfire chatting; it was really nice. There were 10 of us altogether. My H got more and more ancy. He likes to get up and go in the morning. He said (privately to me) it reminded him of being a kid on family camping trips and wondering why everyone was wasting the day. I laughed in response (feeling happy to chill out with everyone). He told me he didn't like me laughing at him. I told him I wasn't and felt great to hang out. (In other words, I didn't let him bother me.)
There were 3 groups going out - one biked, one drove and birded, and one hiked. My H didn't want to go with any of them. They were his friends and it felt a bit weird to go with them (without him), and while I would have rather hung out with the group, I placated him and went with him. (I'm learning!)
We drove around a birded all day and when we got back to the campground, he wanted to go hiking (since we had been sitting all day). This is his M.O. he likes to be moving and outside on the weekend. Sitting and inside (even in a car) makes him frustrated and restless. (He sounds like such a punk! LOL! He is a lot of fun, too!) I agreed I could get out a bit, so we went for a walk; besides, only 2 of the whole crew were back yet. After a bit, I realized I was done! I told him so nicely and started heading back. (Look at me go!)
He was frustrated. He had all these things to say -
No one is back yet...
We spent hours last night with them...
Don't you want to be active and healthy?
Why not just a little more?
Aren't you having fun?
I thought you liked hiking...
We really ARE very different...
I was untouched by all of it. I realized he is uncomfortable with others. I think he was overstimulated by the group. He was escaping a bit and all that talk was avoidance. (not my problem)
As we walked back, I told him I LIKED the way I was.
Getting invited (last minute) by a 50 yo couple reminded me you can be spontaneous and live a great life (just like they are doing).
I like my spontaneity.
Seeing 8 other people chilling on Sat. morning reminded me moving slowly on the weekend is a GREAT way to be.
I like taking it easy and moving slow sometimes.
And while that is all true, I like that he
a. likes to jump out of bed and go
b. likes to do active things
c. likes to plan ahead
d. likes to spend time with just me
His way is just fine. And my way is just fine. And we are different. And that is fine, too. I am not lazy or flighty or whatever because I am the way I am. I think he is so HIS WAY that I judge myself right along with him (why can't I move quicker, plan ahead, blah, blah, blah). Well, that's just bull.
I told him I benefited from his strengths. He gets me to jump out of bed earlier and use more of my day. He gets me to be active when my natural inclination might be to be more sluggish. He gets me planning.
AND sometimes I don't want to and THAT is fine, too!
My work is to be clear with him (even when it goes against what he wants) that what I want matters, too.
I told him to continue hiking alone if he didn't want to stop! (WOOHOO!) Of course, he didn't want to go alone and was grumpy about it while he followed me back...but the next morning, he let me sleep in and went on a solo hike with the dog (good for him!) and woke me with a kiss when he got back.
We stayed two nights. We had a really nice time. He was more aware of my needs than normal for the rest of the trip - really going out of his way to check in with me. He even apologized for being a grump these last 6 months, saying he was angry.
I still am learning where compromise lies and if I assert myself without compromise, I feel selfish and inflexible, but I think that isn't true. I think, for the most part I DO compromise and SOMETIMES I don't want to and EVEN IF where I am inflexible bumps up against his inflexible, that doesn't mean I have to give in.
It feels uncomfortable, but it makes me feel good to honor ME!
Hugs
FP
So on Th. a new friend of my H invited us to weekend camping. (Yes! A friend! Is he hanging out with this guy 'cause I said something about him being isolated? Or because this guy is uber persistent? Who knows! Now, I think this guy likes alcohol an awful lot...but he is super nice and I like his wife, so I am going with it...)
This type of "last minute" stuff rubs my H wrong, usually, but he agreed to go - waffling and saying maybe just one night (I packed for two nights because I wanted to go for two!) I am usually the last min. type so I didn't mind at all.
Sat morning, people got up slowly and poked around the campfire chatting; it was really nice. There were 10 of us altogether. My H got more and more ancy. He likes to get up and go in the morning. He said (privately to me) it reminded him of being a kid on family camping trips and wondering why everyone was wasting the day. I laughed in response (feeling happy to chill out with everyone). He told me he didn't like me laughing at him. I told him I wasn't and felt great to hang out. (In other words, I didn't let him bother me.)
There were 3 groups going out - one biked, one drove and birded, and one hiked. My H didn't want to go with any of them. They were his friends and it felt a bit weird to go with them (without him), and while I would have rather hung out with the group, I placated him and went with him. (I'm learning!)
We drove around a birded all day and when we got back to the campground, he wanted to go hiking (since we had been sitting all day). This is his M.O. he likes to be moving and outside on the weekend. Sitting and inside (even in a car) makes him frustrated and restless. (He sounds like such a punk! LOL! He is a lot of fun, too!) I agreed I could get out a bit, so we went for a walk; besides, only 2 of the whole crew were back yet. After a bit, I realized I was done! I told him so nicely and started heading back. (Look at me go!)
He was frustrated. He had all these things to say -
No one is back yet...
We spent hours last night with them...
Don't you want to be active and healthy?
Why not just a little more?
Aren't you having fun?
I thought you liked hiking...
We really ARE very different...
I was untouched by all of it. I realized he is uncomfortable with others. I think he was overstimulated by the group. He was escaping a bit and all that talk was avoidance. (not my problem)
As we walked back, I told him I LIKED the way I was.
Getting invited (last minute) by a 50 yo couple reminded me you can be spontaneous and live a great life (just like they are doing).
I like my spontaneity.
Seeing 8 other people chilling on Sat. morning reminded me moving slowly on the weekend is a GREAT way to be.
I like taking it easy and moving slow sometimes.
And while that is all true, I like that he
a. likes to jump out of bed and go
b. likes to do active things
c. likes to plan ahead
d. likes to spend time with just me
His way is just fine. And my way is just fine. And we are different. And that is fine, too. I am not lazy or flighty or whatever because I am the way I am. I think he is so HIS WAY that I judge myself right along with him (why can't I move quicker, plan ahead, blah, blah, blah). Well, that's just bull.
I told him I benefited from his strengths. He gets me to jump out of bed earlier and use more of my day. He gets me to be active when my natural inclination might be to be more sluggish. He gets me planning.
AND sometimes I don't want to and THAT is fine, too!
My work is to be clear with him (even when it goes against what he wants) that what I want matters, too.
I told him to continue hiking alone if he didn't want to stop! (WOOHOO!) Of course, he didn't want to go alone and was grumpy about it while he followed me back...but the next morning, he let me sleep in and went on a solo hike with the dog (good for him!) and woke me with a kiss when he got back.
We stayed two nights. We had a really nice time. He was more aware of my needs than normal for the rest of the trip - really going out of his way to check in with me. He even apologized for being a grump these last 6 months, saying he was angry.
I still am learning where compromise lies and if I assert myself without compromise, I feel selfish and inflexible, but I think that isn't true. I think, for the most part I DO compromise and SOMETIMES I don't want to and EVEN IF where I am inflexible bumps up against his inflexible, that doesn't mean I have to give in.
It feels uncomfortable, but it makes me feel good to honor ME!
Hugs
FP
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
No. He brought a 6 pack (insisting when he purchased it, it was to "share"), which he drank over 2 nights.
His friend that invited us got slurred speech from drinking on Fri night. Others drank, too, although not to excess.
My H's drinking didn't cause problems, but if you read back in my history, it never has directly.
It is the sneaking and lying which is bad for me and his over-drinking to manage depression which I assume is bad for him.
His friend that invited us got slurred speech from drinking on Fri night. Others drank, too, although not to excess.
My H's drinking didn't cause problems, but if you read back in my history, it never has directly.
It is the sneaking and lying which is bad for me and his over-drinking to manage depression which I assume is bad for him.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Quote from FP1: (( It feels uncomfortable, but it makes me feel good to honor ME! ))
What a lovely weekend, and how wonderful that you now can say what you feel for you, and allow him to do what he is happy doing.
Using each others foibles, ways and ideas as a battleground to decide who is "right" and who is "wrong", leads to anger and nothing decided.
Appreciating differences, working with those differences, compromising sometimes, and taking turns to lead the way, can really make changes in areas of previous conflict.
Don't worry about the strangeness of asserting who you are and what you want, it can be uncomfortable if it is something new, and like new shoes take time to be worn in.
I am not a fan of compromise, as it usually means both are disappointed and neither gets what they want.
I hope you and your hubby, manage some more of these pleasant times together.
God bless
What a lovely weekend, and how wonderful that you now can say what you feel for you, and allow him to do what he is happy doing.
Using each others foibles, ways and ideas as a battleground to decide who is "right" and who is "wrong", leads to anger and nothing decided.
Appreciating differences, working with those differences, compromising sometimes, and taking turns to lead the way, can really make changes in areas of previous conflict.
Don't worry about the strangeness of asserting who you are and what you want, it can be uncomfortable if it is something new, and like new shoes take time to be worn in.
I am not a fan of compromise, as it usually means both are disappointed and neither gets what they want.
I hope you and your hubby, manage some more of these pleasant times together.
God bless
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Thanks, Jadmack!
Captain, he talks about it often (aka: we should go get a beer or come over for a glass of wine). Makes jokes about it (aka. him seeing me in the morning with a glass bottle full of water: what's in that bottle?? You're startin' early with the Clear, huh? Hahaha)
We have only been out once, went to his house once and a two night camping trip, and he has drank each night.
Who knows.
Again, I recognize it is not something I can control and is not my business.
He bikes with my H, which is great.
He actively pursues my H for a friendship (which is necessary to be friends with him).
He and his wife are nice.
That's all I know.
Captain, he talks about it often (aka: we should go get a beer or come over for a glass of wine). Makes jokes about it (aka. him seeing me in the morning with a glass bottle full of water: what's in that bottle?? You're startin' early with the Clear, huh? Hahaha)
We have only been out once, went to his house once and a two night camping trip, and he has drank each night.
Who knows.
Again, I recognize it is not something I can control and is not my business.
He bikes with my H, which is great.
He actively pursues my H for a friendship (which is necessary to be friends with him).
He and his wife are nice.
That's all I know.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Aww, yea! We camp all the time.
This was our first group camp trip ever! I was really excited.
We are in a new town. We don't know many ppl. I have no job and feel isolated. I was thrilled to be out with others.
This was our first group camp trip ever! I was really excited.
We are in a new town. We don't know many ppl. I have no job and feel isolated. I was thrilled to be out with others.
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