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Co-parenting with an A...fun fun fun

Old 04-19-2010, 07:58 AM
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Co-parenting with an A...fun fun fun

This week-end was the first visit AH had with DD after being served. Considering the fact that the last thing he said to me was "you're a liar and I plan on making DD hate you" didn't exactly make me look forward to taking DD to see him. My brain imagined all kinds of dramatic situations that might occur.

I decided to take my father with me to drop DD off, to prevent AH from saying anything nasty to me.

We got to his place around 12h30. I took DD into the building lobby to let her walk around, explore the space and remember where she was. She looked very unsettled. 10 minutes later I texted AH to tell him we were there. 5 minutes after that, I hear the door open a floor above and crazy clinking sound. I turn around to see my former DSS lugging a large recycling bin full of empty beer bottles down to the garbage room. I had somehow "forgotten" about how much AH drinks, but seeing that bin full of empties reminded me. It also saddened me to see that AH still makes his son clean up the remnants of his drinking.

Anyhow, DSS looked surprised to see me and asked when I'd gotten there. I responded that we'd been there for some time. He then realized he wasn't supposed to talk to me or that he hates me or something, and ran off. I thought he was going to tell his dad to come downstairs. Apparently not. I got a bit impatient so I went into the outer lobby and ran AH's doorbell several times. *then* he came down. Guess he was making me wait just to **** me off. When DD saw him, she looked petrified. She was frozen in place. AH didn't even try to make her comfortable; he just grabbed her, took her lunch bag from me and told me to text him when I came back. He also looked mightily peeved that my father was there (he HATES my father and has never forgiven him for "talking down to him"). It was 13h00.

I went to tango to get my mind off all this crap. I had myself a grand old time and danced for over 3 hours. At least there was some good parts in my day.

When I was on my way back, I checked my phone and realized that at 16h00, AH texted to ask me when I was coming back. Guess 3 hours of parenting time is too much for him.

I picked DD up at 16h30; she was dirty, moody and starving. All the tupperwares I had packed in her lunch were gone, but she was ravenous. I guess someone else ate the food I put in there or it was emptied out and forgotten. The rest of the night DD was so difficult and clingy, and again, she was super hungry. I wonder if AH even tried to feed her. To top it all off, I had myself the migraine of the century. Ugh.

I really hope things settle down soon. I'm not good at dealing with all this anticipatory stress.
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Old 04-19-2010, 08:05 AM
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That sounds horrible. You are actually going out of your way to accommodate him and he pulls this crap. Ugh. I wish my exGF was as accommodating as you are.
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Old 04-19-2010, 08:06 AM
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**{hug}}

It is so hard. The unreliability, the irregularity, etc., make it so much harder on the kids. I sometimes secretly hope that xah gets a job out of state (he is constantly applying) although I know that would devastate the kids and isn't really the best. He could also have them legally in the summer then and he couldn't do that unless he found a woman to live with him and take care of them, which scares the HELL out of me.
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Old 04-19-2010, 08:17 AM
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Duped...yeah, it frustrates me so much because I keep facilitating visitation for him. I prepare DD all Sunday morning. I make her nap while I drive her over to his place. I pack a lunch for her with some diapers. I make sure to play with her beforehand so she's is a better mood. I come pick her up afterwards and drive her home. Mind you, this isn't for *him* it's for DD. I'm afraid she won't have enough food (he eats junk), or that she'll sit in a poopy diaper for hours. As for the driving, well, I could insist that he come pick her up by subway and bus, but it would mean a lot of travel for DD, and she's still quite young. I figure that since I'm going towards AH's neck of woods for tango anyhow, I might as well drive DD over, but then I'm left to deal with frustration of my own doing because AH is being childish.

Once we go to court though, the judge will no doubt insist that if AH wants to see his child, he needs to get off his lazy @ss and come get her.

Thumper...I also wish AH would find a job out of province and leave. He used to talk about moving back to Ontario to get away from the evil French people here and all their prejudice, but then I forgot that AH is a lazy person and that he wouldn't move unless there was cushy job waiting for him or if another enabler took care of the move, just like I did 3 years ago.

OH, I forgot this detail; when I was walking into AH's apartment building, my former superintendant came to talk to me and finally got around to telling me how much he HATES AH It was actually quite funny to listen to him bluster about AH, how rude he is and how "he's already got a new girl in there!". Just a little nudge from HP to remind me I'm on the right path...
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Old 04-19-2010, 10:48 AM
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Originally Posted by nodaybut2day View Post
Duped...yeah, it frustrates me so much because I keep facilitating visitation for him. I prepare DD all Sunday morning. I make her nap while I drive her over to his place. I pack a lunch for her with some diapers. I make sure to play with her beforehand so she's is a better mood. I come pick her up afterwards and drive her home. Mind you, this isn't for *him* it's for DD. I'm afraid she won't have enough food (he eats junk), or that she'll sit in a poopy diaper for hours. As for the driving, well, I could insist that he come pick her up by subway and bus, but it would mean a lot of travel for DD, and she's still quite young. I figure that since I'm going towards AH's neck of woods for tango anyhow, I might as well drive DD over, but then I'm left to deal with frustration of my own doing because AH is being childish.

Once we go to court though, the judge will no doubt insist that if AH wants to see his child, he needs to get off his lazy @ss and come get her.

Thumper...I also wish AH would find a job out of province and leave. He used to talk about moving back to Ontario to get away from the evil French people here and all their prejudice, but then I forgot that AH is a lazy person and that he wouldn't move unless there was cushy job waiting for him or if another enabler took care of the move, just like I did 3 years ago.

OH, I forgot this detail; when I was walking into AH's apartment building, my former superintendant came to talk to me and finally got around to telling me how much he HATES AH It was actually quite funny to listen to him bluster about AH, how rude he is and how "he's already got a new girl in there!". Just a little nudge from HP to remind me I'm on the right path...
He is indeed a mad man! I would be over the moon to have a woman like you.
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Old 04-19-2010, 11:02 AM
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This is a crazy idea, but what if you required him to pick her up and got someone he doesn't know to ride the bus/subway with them and "spy" to see how he is?
Is that just too sneaky?
I just read your posts and wonder if your daughter is safe...
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Old 04-19-2010, 11:36 AM
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anvil, I understand what you're saying--and I've got a rather large soapbox of my own, but until we go to court (May 3rd), I need to keep up visitation to "keep up appearances" and show my good faith. My lawyer advised me to just do what I've been doing for the past few months, but no more.

If he does show up to court, the issue of transportation will specifically be brought up, because he is making NO effort whatsoever to see his child. If I were to tell him that I'm ill and cannot get out of bed to bring her to him, he would a) ask that my mother or father bring her, or b) cancel altogether, rather than take the subway himself to come see her. So yah, I get that he needs to step up, but right now I just want to lay lown until we go to court. 2 more visits to go until we do...
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Old 04-19-2010, 11:53 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
just me personally, i think you FACILITATE way too much and i don't think it's a good experience for your daughter if she returns crabby filthy and hungry after THREE HOURS. don't let your fear of him rule your decisions regarding your DD. blow him off next time, say NO not this week, postpone delay......he's a lousy father, and a very poor influence on her, to say nothing of completely irresponsible. my very personal opinion on the matter is that he ONLY claims to want time with her to yank YOUR chain.

stay neutral, do NOT react, avoid and side step him and quit making it so damn easy for HIM. at your expense and that sweet lovely little girl. being a FATHER is not an entitlement, it's a privilege. and he's done nothing to EARN that privilege......
Heartily agree. Leaving a small child with a grouchy, lousy excuse for a dad, is the pits. Stuff his visitation rights in a bag, and tell him to shape up or go to hell.
Treating his D this way is wrong, and the fact he is on the phone shortly after to hand her back, YELLS at me that it is you he wants to goad, to pull into line and she is the means to that end.

Let him know you are disgusted with how she was returned to you, and if she is in that state again, he can apply for visitation to a judge.

I hope he moves a long way from you, and soon .....just not to Aussie please.

God bless
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Old 04-19-2010, 12:01 PM
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I hope he moves a long way from you, and soon .....just not to Aussie please.
You could put him on the special Jadmack Torture oops! i mean Retraining Program!
The JRP to make a man out of him!

Noday,
I hope he will give up soon, I have a feeling he will. Sadly, he has not given up his first love, alcohol, and any interruption in that schedule will soon be pushed aside.
Your daughter has you. That is excellent for her. Keep doing the next right thing.
Beth
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Old 04-19-2010, 12:03 PM
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This does sound awful. I am so sorry that you are in this position, but...Can't you keep records of going there?
Idea: If you go there next time, and your dad or anyone else comes with you. Give him 10 minutes to come down. If he does not, have the doorman make note of it. Do not wait around for him. When you go to court you can show that you made a good faith effort to bring his d to him.
I don't know. It is really hard when they come home all whacked out, and you don't know what they did, saw, or heard. Or ate!
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Old 04-19-2010, 12:19 PM
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I keep a running journal of ALL contact that occurs between AH and I, specifically regarding visitation (missed, late, shortened, etc). It dates back to before I left AH. If he does show up in court, I plan on bringing it with me to point out that he has not shown any interest in being part of his daughter's life since her birth.
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