A new start for me and my boundaries
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A new start for me and my boundaries
After quite an upsetting and defensive thread I posted last week, I said I had a lot to think about. Well I have been doing a lot of thinking, and I’m feeling positive about myself today. I spent the weekend with ABF as usual and it was pretty good. I’m not sure anything much is changing with him, but for me, the start of a new week is the perfect chance to have a fresh start of my own. This is purely for me.
I am under no illusions that he is going to stop drinking anytime soon, or that things are magically going to be OK for him, but I can make things better for me. I have said it so many times, but I don’t want to be around him when he is drunk, I don’t want to talk to him extensively on the phone and I certainly don’t want him in my house. Sometimes he’ll call when drinking and be open about it, and I can tell he is down and just wants to talk to someone. Other times he is quite rude and it is a lot easier to avoid him then because he usually upsets or angers me. If he is reaching out because he’s upset and lonely, I may talk to him to make sure he’ll be OK and doesn’t need to call the hospital, and then I’ll leave him to it. I haven’t been “rescuing” him lately (not for months) by going round to his as soon as he is drinking, but I have sometimes turned up knowing that he is drunk, simply because we had plans.
I’ve worked out that for my own wellbeing I need to try to cut down the amount of contact I have with him during the week when we aren’t together. I need to stop calling him throughout the day unless it is really important, and if I think he is drinking, then definitely don’t call him back. He will sometimes keep calling me over and over if he’s drunk (having forgotten he’d only just called), and while it is kind of sweet that he’s thinking of me, it is quite disruptive to whatever i’m doing. I will have to think of a way of politely telling him i’m busy or something. Then there are the times when he goes to dodgy people’s houses and i don’t know who he’s with or what he’s doing. That I just need to learn to deal with, for now. If I can accept that he loves me and wouldn’t cheat on me, then I must put those thoughts out of my head and let him go through it without me. He’ll know that it hurts me but for my own protection I need to try to get on with my own life. This time I really am going to try harder to achieve this.
As for the long term, I think I need to set a date for myself to review the situation properly. I want to say the end of June, but I’m going to say July – if he hasn’t entered a recovery program by then (or there hasn’t been some sort of miracle) I will have to tell him I think we should either end it or take a break until he is in recovery (giving him one last chance to do something to sort things out). I think that is fair. I have no plans for telling him this deadline - he knows it is a matter of urgency, so it doesn’t seem necessary to tell him. It depends how much he wants us to work as to whether he seeks help by himself or not. There are rumblings about rehab but I’m not sure if anything will come of it – nothing happened last time it was mentioned.
I know it will be hard for me to ‘let him go’ and to live my own life without worrying about him and checking up on him, but I don’t want a relationship where I have to do that. I don’t want to have a boyfriend I can’t rely on to turn up to something sober. He has to choose recovery for himself and I am going to give him the space and the chance to do just that. If he doesn’t choose recovery by the end of July, he’ll know I am serious that things won’t be carrying on like this. Depending on my attitude and how I am myself, he will possibly have one last chance to save us by sorting himself out.
There, that is my plan and my positive outlook for the day! I hope I have the strength to make it lasting. I certainly have enough things to fill my time.
I am under no illusions that he is going to stop drinking anytime soon, or that things are magically going to be OK for him, but I can make things better for me. I have said it so many times, but I don’t want to be around him when he is drunk, I don’t want to talk to him extensively on the phone and I certainly don’t want him in my house. Sometimes he’ll call when drinking and be open about it, and I can tell he is down and just wants to talk to someone. Other times he is quite rude and it is a lot easier to avoid him then because he usually upsets or angers me. If he is reaching out because he’s upset and lonely, I may talk to him to make sure he’ll be OK and doesn’t need to call the hospital, and then I’ll leave him to it. I haven’t been “rescuing” him lately (not for months) by going round to his as soon as he is drinking, but I have sometimes turned up knowing that he is drunk, simply because we had plans.
I’ve worked out that for my own wellbeing I need to try to cut down the amount of contact I have with him during the week when we aren’t together. I need to stop calling him throughout the day unless it is really important, and if I think he is drinking, then definitely don’t call him back. He will sometimes keep calling me over and over if he’s drunk (having forgotten he’d only just called), and while it is kind of sweet that he’s thinking of me, it is quite disruptive to whatever i’m doing. I will have to think of a way of politely telling him i’m busy or something. Then there are the times when he goes to dodgy people’s houses and i don’t know who he’s with or what he’s doing. That I just need to learn to deal with, for now. If I can accept that he loves me and wouldn’t cheat on me, then I must put those thoughts out of my head and let him go through it without me. He’ll know that it hurts me but for my own protection I need to try to get on with my own life. This time I really am going to try harder to achieve this.
As for the long term, I think I need to set a date for myself to review the situation properly. I want to say the end of June, but I’m going to say July – if he hasn’t entered a recovery program by then (or there hasn’t been some sort of miracle) I will have to tell him I think we should either end it or take a break until he is in recovery (giving him one last chance to do something to sort things out). I think that is fair. I have no plans for telling him this deadline - he knows it is a matter of urgency, so it doesn’t seem necessary to tell him. It depends how much he wants us to work as to whether he seeks help by himself or not. There are rumblings about rehab but I’m not sure if anything will come of it – nothing happened last time it was mentioned.
I know it will be hard for me to ‘let him go’ and to live my own life without worrying about him and checking up on him, but I don’t want a relationship where I have to do that. I don’t want to have a boyfriend I can’t rely on to turn up to something sober. He has to choose recovery for himself and I am going to give him the space and the chance to do just that. If he doesn’t choose recovery by the end of July, he’ll know I am serious that things won’t be carrying on like this. Depending on my attitude and how I am myself, he will possibly have one last chance to save us by sorting himself out.
There, that is my plan and my positive outlook for the day! I hope I have the strength to make it lasting. I certainly have enough things to fill my time.
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IWANT: I think it's great you're trying to come to terms with this, but why not just try to get yourself well in the relationship, without the ultimatum?
I think you're trying to find all these magical answers in order to feel better and I do understand that, but making a deadline about when HE needs to get well it futile.
You need to make a deadline for YOURSELF to get well.
Let me ask you, if July comes and you do leave him, do you think you can go no contact, move on and find a healthy place in life?
Your "sickness" of codependency will not just go away. The coide is as sick as the addict.
Not saying this to be mean at all, but do you realize you're as sick as your boyfriend?
In an AA group one night, a recovery addict said that he was in shock how sick his wife was to stay with him since he did some horrible things to her.
You are NOT healthy or you would NOT be with this person.
How come you're so afraid to get yourself well. Do you think if he gets well, everything will be ok?
Have you read codependeny no more? Or any of the Al Anon liturature?
Just asking the tough questions here....
I think you're trying to find all these magical answers in order to feel better and I do understand that, but making a deadline about when HE needs to get well it futile.
You need to make a deadline for YOURSELF to get well.
Let me ask you, if July comes and you do leave him, do you think you can go no contact, move on and find a healthy place in life?
Your "sickness" of codependency will not just go away. The coide is as sick as the addict.
Not saying this to be mean at all, but do you realize you're as sick as your boyfriend?
In an AA group one night, a recovery addict said that he was in shock how sick his wife was to stay with him since he did some horrible things to her.
You are NOT healthy or you would NOT be with this person.
How come you're so afraid to get yourself well. Do you think if he gets well, everything will be ok?
Have you read codependeny no more? Or any of the Al Anon liturature?
Just asking the tough questions here....
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i have read codep no more and her latest book. I have a couple of her others i'm working through too. I have read some al-anon literature.
the ultimatum is for my own benefit because i need to have a way out in my head - if nothing changes by July then i'm pretty sure it wont do by itself. That is why i was choosing to have this deadline. wondering what others will think now then.
I am getting better and I am on my own road to recovery. I never had these codep problems before like this, and i think i can get through them. As I just read on another thread, there is debate about what is success and whether you can be healthy and choose to be ina relationship with an A - I think it is very dependent on each individual and their situation. I dont know if I can yet, but i will find out when i am healthy for myself.
I know your tough questions are all important, thank you Hope some responses are a little more encouraging though, as I dont want to lose my psoitive outlook.
the ultimatum is for my own benefit because i need to have a way out in my head - if nothing changes by July then i'm pretty sure it wont do by itself. That is why i was choosing to have this deadline. wondering what others will think now then.
I am getting better and I am on my own road to recovery. I never had these codep problems before like this, and i think i can get through them. As I just read on another thread, there is debate about what is success and whether you can be healthy and choose to be ina relationship with an A - I think it is very dependent on each individual and their situation. I dont know if I can yet, but i will find out when i am healthy for myself.
I know your tough questions are all important, thank you Hope some responses are a little more encouraging though, as I dont want to lose my psoitive outlook.
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Keep focusing on yourself and making your own plans. Good for you!
You might consider setting some concrete goals that will help you be OK no matter which way it goes. You have set some boundaries, which is good, but at the end of July (I'd go back to June personally
) you will be faced with one of three very challenging situations. Breaking away from an active A, do nothing and live with what you have right now, or work on a relationship through early recovery. Prepare yourself because the end of June/July is going to be hard no matter what. Make a goal of planning more activities that you do with people other then him, build yourself a support system of friends and activites, discover a hobby, etc. etc. Those are good and healthy things for you with or without a relationship so you can't go wrong either way.
Oh, and turning the phone OFF can be a magical thing And...it is perfectly acceptable to not be able to return a call until the next day.
You might consider setting some concrete goals that will help you be OK no matter which way it goes. You have set some boundaries, which is good, but at the end of July (I'd go back to June personally
) you will be faced with one of three very challenging situations. Breaking away from an active A, do nothing and live with what you have right now, or work on a relationship through early recovery. Prepare yourself because the end of June/July is going to be hard no matter what. Make a goal of planning more activities that you do with people other then him, build yourself a support system of friends and activites, discover a hobby, etc. etc. Those are good and healthy things for you with or without a relationship so you can't go wrong either way.Oh, and turning the phone OFF can be a magical thing
And...it is perfectly acceptable to not be able to return a call until the next day.
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Sorry if my reply was not too positive, I just want you to feel happy and not stay so focused on him and make it about you.
Our need for love makes us easy prey. When we can love ourselves, the pain pretty much is not so painful.
Keep setting boundaries, keep posting and keep reading
Our need for love makes us easy prey. When we can love ourselves, the pain pretty much is not so painful.
Keep setting boundaries, keep posting and keep reading
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Agree with Thumper. Come July it could be a whole new ballgame for you. If you make that the X time for you, I guess you need to prepare yourself for whatever comes along.
I would be spending the time left, strengthening my mind and learning ways of caring for myself, EG: go to meditation, yoga, aromatherapy, self hypnosis...learn how to relax in stressful situations.
Add these extras to Thumpers suggestions, and know that you are prepared for whatever July has to offer.
Above all, remember your supporters here on F & F.
God bless
I would be spending the time left, strengthening my mind and learning ways of caring for myself, EG: go to meditation, yoga, aromatherapy, self hypnosis...learn how to relax in stressful situations.
Add these extras to Thumpers suggestions, and know that you are prepared for whatever July has to offer.
Above all, remember your supporters here on F & F.
God bless
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Thanks, I know I need to prepare myself for a tough time at the end of July, but I also know that I need a timescale in my head, otherwise I can see I'll end up stuck in the same old pattern forever. I don't want this relationship if it involves him drinking. That isn't going to change. What needs to change is him, and I'm giving him the opportunity to realise that I'm being serious. If things are still the same by then (which I think they probably will be), then we'll take a break or end things. I hope that by then I will be strong enough to go through with it.
I have almost ended things a few times in the last month - after he's let me down and been rude when drinking, I've told him that things aren't making me happy and that I don't want a relationship based around alcohol. He usually gets either very defensive and accuses me of always thinkign the worst of him what a cheek!) or he gets very apologetic. It turns out each time that I''m jsut not ready to end things.
He possibly has an opportunity to go into a residential rehab this year - he has the referral forms to fill out to apply for funding. Sometimes he seems keen on the idea and says he knows he has to do it and other times he seems like he really isn't going to go through with it. Of course he might not get the funding and the opportunity might not be there, but if it is and he doesn't go, that will speak volumes to me. He is very scared about it, and who wouldn't be, but if its a chance to really sort himslef out, then I hope he grabs it with both hands.
I am trying to focus on myself and my own things but obviously when I come to this forum I am going to talk about ABF and how I feel about things with him because I have noone else to talk to about it. This is a place where I can let out all the alcoholic crap and hopefully noone will judge me or just tell me I should end things, as you all know its not that simple: there are no kids involved, we dont live together, he doesn't drive drunk (no car anyway), he has never physically hurt me or cheated on me, but he is a totally different horrible person when he's been drinking and I dont want to even talk to him let alone be in a relationship with him when he's like that.
I have almost ended things a few times in the last month - after he's let me down and been rude when drinking, I've told him that things aren't making me happy and that I don't want a relationship based around alcohol. He usually gets either very defensive and accuses me of always thinkign the worst of him what a cheek!) or he gets very apologetic. It turns out each time that I''m jsut not ready to end things.
He possibly has an opportunity to go into a residential rehab this year - he has the referral forms to fill out to apply for funding. Sometimes he seems keen on the idea and says he knows he has to do it and other times he seems like he really isn't going to go through with it. Of course he might not get the funding and the opportunity might not be there, but if it is and he doesn't go, that will speak volumes to me. He is very scared about it, and who wouldn't be, but if its a chance to really sort himslef out, then I hope he grabs it with both hands.
I am trying to focus on myself and my own things but obviously when I come to this forum I am going to talk about ABF and how I feel about things with him because I have noone else to talk to about it. This is a place where I can let out all the alcoholic crap and hopefully noone will judge me or just tell me I should end things, as you all know its not that simple: there are no kids involved, we dont live together, he doesn't drive drunk (no car anyway), he has never physically hurt me or cheated on me, but he is a totally different horrible person when he's been drinking and I dont want to even talk to him let alone be in a relationship with him when he's like that.
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Having my first proper test today - he's clearly drinking before 11am again (something that's only started again in the last month or so), and I ended the conversation quite quickly. He called again an hour later and after our brief conversation, he text me a stupid comment about me and my ex and then sent a message saying he doesn’t trust me. He’s talking absolute crap as usual. We did speak on the phone a while after that and he was fine, and when I asked about what he’d said he just said he didn’t mean it but he does have trust issues. Well that is it for today, no more talking to him. I didn’t react to what he said in the way I usually would so that’s progress.
I’m seriously getting sick of these pathetic conversations – sometimes it’s like he’s tempting me into some sort of slanging match with him – but why? Wouldn’t it be easier for him to just leave me alone while he’s drinking as he knows I don’t approve? Perhaps I’m looking for rational answers where there are none. All I know is that I’m not going to let him ruin my day, just because he is a lying alcoholic. I don’t have mental health issues and I don’t have a substance addiction, so I don’t need to keep being drawn into that world. I do have a choice, and today I choose my own world where I do my work, exercise and make time for myself.
I’m seriously getting sick of these pathetic conversations – sometimes it’s like he’s tempting me into some sort of slanging match with him – but why? Wouldn’t it be easier for him to just leave me alone while he’s drinking as he knows I don’t approve? Perhaps I’m looking for rational answers where there are none. All I know is that I’m not going to let him ruin my day, just because he is a lying alcoholic. I don’t have mental health issues and I don’t have a substance addiction, so I don’t need to keep being drawn into that world. I do have a choice, and today I choose my own world where I do my work, exercise and make time for myself.
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thanks, i think i'm finally understnading the concept of 'one day at a time'. if i can react like this one day at a time I will soon be reacting like it every day and it wont be so hard.
I think i've realised that the thing i'm most frightened of, and the reason i don't tell him it's over, is because i'm scared that maybe i've been wrong about him all this time and that he will just accept we're over, move on to someone else and not bother sorting himself out so we can have a life together. I've believed that he loves me and wants to be with me, and i'm scared that will turn out to be a lie and he'll jsut move on to his next victim. I'm hoping to get to the point where even if that happens I will be OK because i deserve better, and it's better to have got out now than when we're married with kids. I know i do deserve better really but i'm still stuck in thinking that he truly loves me.
At least i'm working out my own feelings. It will take a while i'm sure, but i'm going to get stronger and not let him wear me down. The fact that we dont live together is a blessing and i dont have to accept any of his crap within my four walls. It isn't welcome there.
I think i've realised that the thing i'm most frightened of, and the reason i don't tell him it's over, is because i'm scared that maybe i've been wrong about him all this time and that he will just accept we're over, move on to someone else and not bother sorting himself out so we can have a life together. I've believed that he loves me and wants to be with me, and i'm scared that will turn out to be a lie and he'll jsut move on to his next victim. I'm hoping to get to the point where even if that happens I will be OK because i deserve better, and it's better to have got out now than when we're married with kids. I know i do deserve better really but i'm still stuck in thinking that he truly loves me.
At least i'm working out my own feelings. It will take a while i'm sure, but i'm going to get stronger and not let him wear me down. The fact that we dont live together is a blessing and i dont have to accept any of his crap within my four walls. It isn't welcome there.
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Originally Posted by iwantcontrol 
If things are still the same by then (which I think they probably will be), then we'll take a break or end things. I hope that by then I will be strong enough to go through with it.
A goal is not a Plan
Hope is not a Strategy
Originally Posted by iwantcontrol
Wouldn’t it be easier for him to just leave me alone while he’s drinking as he knows I don’t approve?
Perhaps I’m looking for rational answers where there are none.
I do have a choice, and today I choose my own world where I do my work, exercise and make time for myself.
Smart! Tomorrow is another day. Talk to him then if he is sober!
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thanks!
Last week when I was supposed to be going to his but he'd been drinking, I told him politely that i wasn't going to see him that night because i dont like being around him when he's had a drink and we usually argue. He was a bit off with me and said 'well it's your choice' in a sulky way. When sober at the weekend I mentioned that i didn't get to see him in the week and he said 'well that was your fault, you could've done'. I tried to explain that it was because of his drinking but i think he was either being stupid or awkward and seemed to think it was all my fault. Well, i am supposed to be seeing him thursday and will remind him that i wont be going if he drinks that day - he always manages to make it my choice and my fault that i cant see him when it is his choice to drink in the first place - it infuriates me. I am sticking to my guns though and he'll have to get used to it.
Last week when I was supposed to be going to his but he'd been drinking, I told him politely that i wasn't going to see him that night because i dont like being around him when he's had a drink and we usually argue. He was a bit off with me and said 'well it's your choice' in a sulky way. When sober at the weekend I mentioned that i didn't get to see him in the week and he said 'well that was your fault, you could've done'. I tried to explain that it was because of his drinking but i think he was either being stupid or awkward and seemed to think it was all my fault. Well, i am supposed to be seeing him thursday and will remind him that i wont be going if he drinks that day - he always manages to make it my choice and my fault that i cant see him when it is his choice to drink in the first place - it infuriates me. I am sticking to my guns though and he'll have to get used to it.
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sorry i keep posting but i can feel myself getting more and more angry about things that have happened. i'm really angry at him for loads of things he's done, but if i bring any of them up he gets so defensive and says i'm always having a go at him and thinking the worst of him. He says it makes him feel like he's not good enough. He won't talk to me about the way he's treated me or the times he's let me down. He rarely apologises for them, and even if he does I know he cant mean it because he does it again. Argh, i'm so mad at him. If he phones today i dont think i even want to speak to him - if i do i'd probably just get angry at him.
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Originally Posted by iwantcontrol
I am sticking to my guns though and he'll have to get used to it.
Good for you! What a strong step!!
You have the power to make a choice. Feel good about it! And own it!!
You can tell him "You are right. It IS my choice." No need to explain further or mention it again. He knows the deal. Ironically what he his saying is meant to deflect and get the power back in his court even though the words are opposite. Did you read the Dr. Seuss thread? I love him - here is a quote that fits for you now
"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go..."
— Dr. Seuss
You know what you know. Don't let him confuse you.
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Originally Posted by iwantcontrol
thanks!
I tried to explain that it was because of his drinking but i think he was either being stupid or awkward and seemed to think it was all my fault. Well, i am supposed to be seeing him thursday and will remind him that i wont be going if he drinks that day - he always manages to make it my choice and my fault that i cant see him when it is his choice to drink in the first place - it infuriates me. I am sticking to my guns though and he'll have to get used to it.
I tried to explain that it was because of his drinking but i think he was either being stupid or awkward and seemed to think it was all my fault. Well, i am supposed to be seeing him thursday and will remind him that i wont be going if he drinks that day - he always manages to make it my choice and my fault that i cant see him when it is his choice to drink in the first place - it infuriates me. I am sticking to my guns though and he'll have to get used to it.
One of my favorite mantras is "the only way to win is to not play."
You should be angry. He has been working you, and now that he sees glimpses that his "poor pitiful depressed me" act isn't working on you like before, he will try another tactic. Blaming, accusing, and insulting has been my experience.
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Originally Posted by iwantcontrol
I don't want this relationship if it involves him drinking. That isn't going to change. What needs to change is him, and I'm giving him the opportunity to realise that I'm being serious. .
What about you needing to change and work on your codependency?
He knows you're not serious because you've never held your ground
I see you're trying really hard to apply your boundaries and come up with plans, which is GREAT, but you're still not acknowledging that you are also "sick". And without accepting that, you're going to keep going in this circle
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I have to say congratulations on your progress so far. And i would like to share some of my recent experience with this.
It was very unwise for me to ask my boyfriend to quite drinking if he wanted to stay in a relationship with me. Even if he stops drinking, he is still an alcoholic. Alcohol was his escape from whatever he is running from or trying to hide, his demons, and it just so happens that he has an addiction to alcohol. He is still the same person without the booze, just not slurring his speech or passing out on my couch. His behavior issues and mental instability are simply magnified when he is drinking. But deep down he will always be the same person.
That being said, there are A's that I know that have immersed themselves in recovery, and have made the effort to uncover why they were the way they were, and have changed for the better. But all these people have done this recovery for themselves, and themselves only. Forcing someone to do something they don't really want to do leads to resentment and bitterness. "After everything I've done for you, I changed my whole life for you" blah blah. It's just not genuine if they do it for someone else. If it's not genuine, it won't work.
And they will absolutely go out of their way to blame anything and everything on you. "You didn't want to see me last week, it was your choice." He refuses to acknowledge that it was HIS choice to pick up a drink, knowing that if he did you wouldn't see him. But at the same time, I can see his confusion, because sometimes you STILL SEE HIM WHEN HE HAS BEEN DRINKING. You can't lay down a boundary and not stick to it. He knows that you don't mean what you say. Period. Mine was the same way. I would tell him how uncomfortable I was, and how the relationship wasn't going to continue if he kept on that way, but he knew I wasn't going anywhere, so he kept on doing what he wanted.
I am a serious Codie... have been all my life (ACOA). But I am no contact with him now, and believe me, he is crapping his pants because I have drawn my boundary line and I am sticking to it. And I feel better and better about it every day, that I had the strength to finally put myself first, stop trying to change him and influence his choices. He has spent most of the last couple weeks trying to change my mind, manipulate my view of the situation, to influence my decision, even to the point of focusing on MY codie issues, and my necessary recovery. I can't tell you what a wake up call it has been for me... I never realized how incredibly annoying it is when someone refuses to let me live my life the way I want to - when someone else insists that they know what is best for me, and if I only listened to them and did what they told me to, I would be a better person for it. I will never put myself or someone else through that again.
Whether my XABF gets help or not is no concern of mine anymore. I have seen sides of him that I never want to see in someone again, especially someone I am romatically involved with. It took months of Al Anon and this forum and reading to realize how poor my choices have been in men, and to make me see why an addict of ANY kind, recovered, active, drugs, pills, alcohol, anything, is NOT welcome in my new life. Period. The same way an A has the right to decide not to date anyone that drinks, because the risk of relapse is too great to chance... My disease is codependancy, and the risk of ME relapsing by placing myself with an addict is too great for me to chance.
Just wanted to share my experience, take what you like and leave the rest. Good luck and keep us posted of your progress! You're doing great, just keep the focus on you!
It was very unwise for me to ask my boyfriend to quite drinking if he wanted to stay in a relationship with me. Even if he stops drinking, he is still an alcoholic. Alcohol was his escape from whatever he is running from or trying to hide, his demons, and it just so happens that he has an addiction to alcohol. He is still the same person without the booze, just not slurring his speech or passing out on my couch. His behavior issues and mental instability are simply magnified when he is drinking. But deep down he will always be the same person.
That being said, there are A's that I know that have immersed themselves in recovery, and have made the effort to uncover why they were the way they were, and have changed for the better. But all these people have done this recovery for themselves, and themselves only. Forcing someone to do something they don't really want to do leads to resentment and bitterness. "After everything I've done for you, I changed my whole life for you" blah blah. It's just not genuine if they do it for someone else. If it's not genuine, it won't work.
And they will absolutely go out of their way to blame anything and everything on you. "You didn't want to see me last week, it was your choice." He refuses to acknowledge that it was HIS choice to pick up a drink, knowing that if he did you wouldn't see him. But at the same time, I can see his confusion, because sometimes you STILL SEE HIM WHEN HE HAS BEEN DRINKING. You can't lay down a boundary and not stick to it. He knows that you don't mean what you say. Period. Mine was the same way. I would tell him how uncomfortable I was, and how the relationship wasn't going to continue if he kept on that way, but he knew I wasn't going anywhere, so he kept on doing what he wanted.
I am a serious Codie... have been all my life (ACOA). But I am no contact with him now, and believe me, he is crapping his pants because I have drawn my boundary line and I am sticking to it. And I feel better and better about it every day, that I had the strength to finally put myself first, stop trying to change him and influence his choices. He has spent most of the last couple weeks trying to change my mind, manipulate my view of the situation, to influence my decision, even to the point of focusing on MY codie issues, and my necessary recovery. I can't tell you what a wake up call it has been for me... I never realized how incredibly annoying it is when someone refuses to let me live my life the way I want to - when someone else insists that they know what is best for me, and if I only listened to them and did what they told me to, I would be a better person for it. I will never put myself or someone else through that again.
Whether my XABF gets help or not is no concern of mine anymore. I have seen sides of him that I never want to see in someone again, especially someone I am romatically involved with. It took months of Al Anon and this forum and reading to realize how poor my choices have been in men, and to make me see why an addict of ANY kind, recovered, active, drugs, pills, alcohol, anything, is NOT welcome in my new life. Period. The same way an A has the right to decide not to date anyone that drinks, because the risk of relapse is too great to chance... My disease is codependancy, and the risk of ME relapsing by placing myself with an addict is too great for me to chance.
Just wanted to share my experience, take what you like and leave the rest. Good luck and keep us posted of your progress! You're doing great, just keep the focus on you!
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 357
Thanks for all your encouragement.
Spoke to him early this morning and he assured me he was Ok and wasn't going to drink today. Then something happened at work and I just wanted to talk to my BF like a normal person, looking for a listening ear and some kind words, and when I called he'd obviously been drinking (less than 2 hours after saying he wasnt going to anyway). So I tried to get out of the conversation without causing an unnecesary argument, and he asked me to carry on talking to him. I said I had nothing more to say, so he said something like 'well im obviously boring you, so goodbye' and hung up! Oh my god, i'm so ****ing angry with the stupid *****! I phoned for some kind words and got hung up on. Right now I'm so angry I could scream or burst into tears. What a ****.
Sorry, I just needed to get that off my chest.
I wont be reacting to it and I'll ignore him if he calls for the rest of the day. The huge divide between him being a sober nice person and a drunk *****ing ***** is getting too big to me to brush under the carpet so easily now. I get so annoyed at myself when he calls sober and jsut acts like nothing happened - I always carry on as normal after a little moan. Not sure that'll be all that happens this time. I need to change the way I react to him, even when sober. Maybe especially when sober as his brain is then capable of working out that I'm behaving that way because of his actions.
Spoke to him early this morning and he assured me he was Ok and wasn't going to drink today. Then something happened at work and I just wanted to talk to my BF like a normal person, looking for a listening ear and some kind words, and when I called he'd obviously been drinking (less than 2 hours after saying he wasnt going to anyway). So I tried to get out of the conversation without causing an unnecesary argument, and he asked me to carry on talking to him. I said I had nothing more to say, so he said something like 'well im obviously boring you, so goodbye' and hung up! Oh my god, i'm so ****ing angry with the stupid *****! I phoned for some kind words and got hung up on. Right now I'm so angry I could scream or burst into tears. What a ****.
Sorry, I just needed to get that off my chest.
I wont be reacting to it and I'll ignore him if he calls for the rest of the day. The huge divide between him being a sober nice person and a drunk *****ing ***** is getting too big to me to brush under the carpet so easily now. I get so annoyed at myself when he calls sober and jsut acts like nothing happened - I always carry on as normal after a little moan. Not sure that'll be all that happens this time. I need to change the way I react to him, even when sober. Maybe especially when sober as his brain is then capable of working out that I'm behaving that way because of his actions.
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