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A new start for me and my boundaries

Old 04-21-2010, 08:18 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
i don't know if this will help or not....just my two cents from the addict perspective......he drinks EVERY DAY....so he's never SOBER.......he's just not DRUNK again yet. there is no SOBER hon....no quantifiable amount of time for the body to completely detox from the alcohol and the mind to release the dependence. you're looking for something that simply does not exist!!!!
This was my experience with my xah. If we did have a conversation that i thought was 'real' it didn't matter because he'd be drinking again in hours and nothing changed - nothing. I think the conversations happened just to placate me. They were just time holders.

Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
next time you have something during your day you want to share, pick somebody else. rely less upon the unreliable. your frustration level will drop dramatically!!!
Yes! This is what I meant by building your own personal support system over the next couple of months.

I also want to say - wise choice to not talk to him for the rest of today. You already know he is drinking so just don't answer the phone when he calls. Sending you some cyber vibes to be strong and uphold your boundaries today!
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Old 04-21-2010, 08:34 AM
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I see anger on your part as a step forward. For too long you simply made excuses for his bad behavior.
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Old 04-21-2010, 11:16 AM
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just need a little reassurance as this is beginning to feel uncomfortable now. It has been 6 hours since he hung up on me and he hasn't tried to get in touch at all. That isn't like him, unless he's been asleep which often happens after drinking. I'm beginning to feel my anger and resolve slipping. Just need some encouragement i suppose. It just feels uncomfortable and i know it will pass but i dont like the feeling. I'm on edge and worried. I just dont want to let myself down by giving in and trying to call him today to check he's OK. I'm still angry at him, but just starting to worry. It's probably stupid I know.
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Old 04-21-2010, 11:45 AM
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it's one thing to tell someone else that WE think THEY should face THEIR demons........quite another when OURS are breathing fire in our face, huh?
<looking around nervously>
anvil, how did you know? really, you have got into my head. i am repeating this to myself right now. geez.

iwantcontrol,
wow, i think anvilhead nailed it again. six hours and you are feeling edgy and need a fix.
please consider what anvil has to say. just think about it for a few minutes, i know exactly how this feels to you. yeah, i have had the same experience. take it moment by moment if you have to, but do not call right now. please.
beth
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Old 04-21-2010, 11:56 AM
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Do not call! Do not let yourself. Take a quick walk around the building or down the street. Get a drink of water or hot tea. Do not call. He is fine. He isn't a 4yo you left home alone. He's a grown man. You can go 6 hours without checking on him!!

After you take a walk around, and get a drink, do some deep breathing and think quietly for a minute. Another adult does not need to be checked on every day, much less ever few hours! The uncomfortable feelings may come but this is the time you need to react with your intellect, not your emotions. The uncomfortable feelings are just that - uncomforable feelings. They won't last forever. They won't kill you. You must react with your *head* and your logic right now. The anxiety you have is not founded in logic. It is an emotion and feeling born of your co-dependence. You have reached a point now where you CAN make the shift from reacting on the raw feeling to reacting with logic and good sense - even though it feels umcomfortable. Let your logical brain win!!!
You can do that, just for today. I know you can. Post again if you need to - to keep rassuring yourself.
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Old 04-21-2010, 11:59 AM
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thanks anvilhead and wicked - it does sound just like an addiction. I have to get past it. If he does call, do I just leave it? It feels so silly to be ignoring calls and texts like a teenager.
I know I need to get through this. it feels extra uncomfortable because we always talk to each other about 4 times a day in all (soemtimes more). Maybe that is abnormal. It started out as sweet that we wanted to talk to each otehr a lot but now maybe it is a bit of a problem.
One minute at a time.....
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Old 04-21-2010, 12:01 PM
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thanks thumper. i've been quite busy at work so haven't spent the whole 6 hours thinking about him, but i'm almost ready to leave work and worry is starting to set in. i dont even really know what i'm worried about. thanks for your reassurance. still need advice on whether to answer later if he calls..
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Old 04-21-2010, 12:16 PM
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honey you're not ignoring texts and calls in order to pay him back, or play games, or teach him a lesson. You are ignoring texts and calls because you don't like the way he treats you when he has been drinking, and he has been drinking.

Actually, we don't have to answer any call, from anyone ever, its not being rude or childish, its just doing what you want to do, if someone rings and you don't feel like talking to a) them particularly or anyone at all. That's fine, just don't answer.

xx
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Old 04-21-2010, 12:18 PM
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I know this is hard. I remember those overwhelming feelings.

I would not answer his call. You already know he's been drinking.

Do you like imagry. I don't usually but I have found it really helpful in the last 6mos. I think it works better for me when I am in such a state of anxiety and confusion.

So here is one I use. I pictured myself building a wall. It was my boundary. (So in your case you do not speak with him on the phone when he has been drinking.) So I picture myself leaning on this wall, with the warm sun on my face. I am warm all over and I'm doing something totally nonchalant, like filing my nails. I am unconcerned. I'm leaning on my wall, holding it up. He's on the other side. Sometimes he's just sitting there looking pathetic and sometimes he's having some kind of tantrum.

The wall, my boundary, keeps me serene and he is left to deal with his own self. Before I made concrete boundaries for myself the walls were more like speed bumps and he lobbed all the bad stuff over on my side. He was calm, I was nuts. My boundaries help me keep my side of the wall warm and safe. Slowly my internal feelings were in closer alignment to the woman in the sun filing her nails.

I also use the image to not react to the anxiety. My job is to keep the wall there. To uphold my boundary, regardless of the anxiety, which was extreme at first. To breach the boundary would mean I had to knock down a peice of that wall and this image is so powerful to me that I can't even make myself start tearing that wall down in my mind. The minute I start thinking that the sun begins to go away and if you knew me, I love the sun and hate a damn cloudy day so I immediately stop the hammering and let the sun shine down!

Not that I don't make mistakes but it gives me a lot of strength to listen to my head, and not my anxiety.
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Old 04-21-2010, 01:21 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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great imagery thumper, i like that.
i've just got home and he has just called my mobile. i ignored it. I want to know if he has sobered up and whether he is going to apologise for being such a **** but I doubt it on both counts. I am going to give it another hour or so and then see how I feel if he calls again. he might send me a text or leave a message if he cant get hold of me and if he is just wondering whether i got safely home or something (doubt it again) then i will just text to say i am ok as I wouldn't want to worry someone if they are genuinely concerned.
its hard ignoring his calls - i keep thinking of that sweet sober guy he can be, saying lovely things to me - but that can't be who he is right now because of the alcohol he drunk earlier and he could still be drinking now for all i know. thing is, i want to know. But knowing wouldn't help. Urgh, this is hard and it make me feel pathetic becuase its so hard.
going to eat and do some hobby stuff tonight until bed. I'll keep checking on here too in case there are any more words of wisdom that can make this any less uncomfortable!
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Old 04-21-2010, 01:27 PM
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IWC, how about switching off your phone this evening? See if you can go until tomorrow morning before you turn it on again?

ETA - can you listen to stuff whilst you do your hobby? Because there are some great downloads to be had on XA Speakers (google it) which might be a good way to pass the evening.
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Old 04-21-2010, 01:31 PM
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perhaps, but wont that worry him? i never do that, and he might think something bad has happened. i've moaned at him about doing that before as i think its selfish - if i do turn it off i would have to send a text saying that's what i've done. it's not about being codie or anything, just a personal thing i hate.
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Old 04-21-2010, 01:43 PM
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ok, we are all entitled to our opinions. i do appreciate yours. i would just rather not turn it off as it feels to me like i'm hiding or being deliberately rude. i dont want to stoop to his level of hanging up and turning phones off instead of sorting it out like adults - oh i dont know, perhaps i'm being stupid about this fo rno reason. what does it really matter anyway?
(deflated)
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Old 04-21-2010, 01:46 PM
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I don't even know what to say to that, iwc. You are stressing about worrying him for a few hours when you have spent the whole day at work (not to mention all the thousands of hours previously spent) consumed by him?

Ok, so send him a text to say that you want some peace and quiet tonight so you are turning your phone off. Then turn your phone off. Let me tell you, it will probably hurt like hell. But that's what we're all here for. Talk, read, listen to those downloads, do your hobby, go to bed, sit in the cupboard under the stairs with a blankie over your head. Whatever. But I know that until I found out the the world didn't implode without being umbilically linked to someone else, then I was totally stuck in my recovery.

Of course, you don't have to do anything anyone suggests. But sometimes it's time to pee or get off the pot. And you have been provided with a great opportunity to let go.
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Old 04-21-2010, 01:47 PM
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Don't wait until you are washed over with anxiety/emotion to decide what to do. Think right now about the best course of action to keep your boundary/wall strong. I'm thinking it would be to not talk to him today since you already know he's drinking. You will see what happens tomorrow morning.

You can, right now, send a text message saying "I just got home and see you called. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye." and then turn the phone off so as not to temp yourself and listen to his messages.

Your boundary is strong, your personal integrity of not worrying someone is upheld, your evening is drama free. win win. No need for explanations. Those are just part of the unhealthy dance you guys are doing.
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Old 04-21-2010, 01:49 PM
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thanks bolina, good advice. If he calls again that is what i will do. you're right, nothing bad will happen. maybe he'll get angry at me tomorrow for turning it off and it'll cause an argument, but we've hd many before so that is bearable. sorry i sound like such a wimp over this.
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Old 04-21-2010, 01:51 PM
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thanks thumper, that sounds like a great plan too - keeps my conscience clear and gives me a free evening. feeling much better, thanks everyone. going to have some hobby time now with some music on to relax me.
really appreciated!
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Old 04-21-2010, 01:52 PM
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I wish you well.
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Old 04-21-2010, 01:53 PM
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Or take back your own power. Don't wait for him to call. Just text him "Had a hard day today, need to recharge my batteries so will have my phone turned off. Sleep well. "

Then turn it off until tomorrow.

What's wrong with that?
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Old 04-21-2010, 01:55 PM
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ok suki, thanks. that seems a little harsh but fair enough i guess. i was only reaching out for some help as i'm finding this very hard but am really wanting to make a change. i've found it useful and it's helped me get through something which should be easier than it is, but hopefiully i can do it alone next time. sorry if its offended you.

OK, suki, you took down the rest of your message so this wont make sense now. never mind.
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