major setback broke no contact in a big nasty way
 

I once had a psychiatrist tell me that I had PMDD, which is a form of PMS that can cause near psychotic feelings for a few days every month at menstruation. It is usually accompanied by heavy bleeding, cramping. I have one ovary that is fibroid, so, every other period is like h*ll for me.

Last night, out of sheer weakness and self sabotage, I guess...I went to the bar to see my exA. I told myself that I needed to see for myself how bad off he is. I did want to see if he would be trying to work again soon, as I am in big financial trouble.I was tricking my mind. I do not know what I expected, but, it was not what I found.

He was there with a girl from the recent past. They acted like they were not together, but that soon became clear.

Long story short: I engaged in behavior that I am not proud of. I ended up yelling at the girl, was asked to leave the bar. The doorman knows me, and reluctantly and apologetically saw me out.

This girl was so disrespectful. I had just had it. All the anger from all the years came blasting out.

I feel reinfected by the trashiness and darkness that he lives, and now of course he has ammo to last for a year to beat me up with emotionally.

I am lame and weak.

I was doing so well. I know, I know...just get back on the horse.

I did not know that I had these feelings of jealousy. I thought he was out of my system in that way. I was aware of the bitterness...but the jealousy.

The girl was so self involved, of course, and she essentially injected herself at close range to pee on her territory. I was pretty gracious about it until she told me that I was too old to be out at night, that i should go home to bed.
I am disappointed in myself, I am rueful, and laying here with these horrible cramps.

I dont know how I am gong to manage this forever.

I can see why parents run away with kids.

I just am being emotionally torn apart. My son just thinks his dad is great, and he has not seen him in over a month. I just went to see if he is even in contact with what that means.
To find him not suffering, but just screwing around with a girl he claimed he was done with back at Christmas time threw me.

You have to disconnect the state of your being from the state of his being. Whether he is suffering, not suffering, seeing someone, not seeing someone, has to become insignificant to you. Sharing children with an alcoholic is hard. But you have to release him. Let go of him and make the best life you are able to for yourself and your child. What the alcoholic does has nothing to do with you....really.

L

Oh Buffalo, I was laying in bed when I read your post, and I had to get up and rush to my computer to respond....to say what? I have no idea. I don't know what comfort I have to bring except that I know I do not want you to feel lame and weak, as you are just the opposite!

I don't know what drove you to actually go to the bar and see what it is you wanted to see. But it was something that was building in you. It was something that you had not come to terms with. So you did what you had to do in that moment. And no, maybe it was not the best choice when you reflect on it, but it was what you knew to do at the moment.
I know it's not the same, but I have realized that I engage in self-sabotaging behavior sometimes too. I had been in NC with my XA for a while, and now that I am leaving this town; removing myself, I was overcome with just wanting to tell him what a f****** a** he was to me. It was something that had been building inside of me for days. I tried to talk myself out of it, but one night I sent it via text anyway. Needless to say I got the response back attacking me right back. And I didn't stop there, I attacked back...saying some of what I had been thinking about him and his behavior for months.
So was it worth saying what I HAD to say, when reading what was sent back to me hurt quite a bit? Why did I do it?

You know, i've actually stopped asking myself those things. And I made peace with what I said and what I did because it's what I knew at the moment. And because of that, I don't regret it. I am often ruled by my emotions (i'm a fire sign :) ) and that is something that I want to get under control. Put that energy towards something positive.
I have found that when I regret things, that's when I tend to hold onto them. Atleast for me. So it allows me to release it if I don't regret it. If that makes sense.

It seems that last night brought some additional awareness to yourself about some feelings that you didn't know you had. And you know what, that's a GOOD thing, as now you can maybe address those feelings and start to put them to rest.

When someone "attacks" you, it's natural instinct to defend yourself and attack back. I'm not saying that's always the BEST defense, but it is the natural one. You were provoked and your emotions were already on high it seems. Don't beat yourself up about the confrontation with this girl.
I think you know now that you do not want to go back and put yourself in that environment again. It was a reminder of the toxicity that surrounds it. Sometimes we just need a reminder of that toxic atmosphere, for whatever reason, to know that we do not EVER want to make that a part of our lives again.

He has NO ammo to beat you up with. You know what you have? YOu have knowing that most likely he will be spending time in that dark trashy bar again very soon, and you NEVER have to go there again. Honestly, I think that's the best ammo to have...and that ammo is what YOU have.

I know many times I have thought my XA is not suffering and he's so happy with everything he wanted.... and I am quickly reminded that an active A is NEVER truly happy, no matter what they project on the outside.

Try to sleep well tonight, breathe deep, and know that the moment is in the past. It's done and gone and you don't ever have to be there again. Give yourself a HUGE break. These kinds of situations can make even the sanest of people lose it for just a moment.

HUGS!!!! :grouphug:

I'm so sorry Buffalo. How horrible. For me, honestly, I feel the worst when I'm disappointed in myself. I think back on the times I just freaked out on him and started screaming at him. I always felt so much worse for the way I behaved than whatever it was that he had done.

Tomorrow is a brand new day for a brand new fresh start. Give yourself a break and maybe just let that whole episode go. Go right back to taking care of yourself and healing. Did or can the doc prescribe anything for PMDD?

Also, I totally get the jealousy too. It's such an ugly feeling. But if you could have him back, the way he is now, would you really want him?

I'm sorry you're not feeling well on top of that horrible experience.

****{hugs}}}

Take it easy on yourself. You had a moment. Don't let it get you down.

It is hard to co-parent with some people. The kids don't see what we see. Mine see a fun dad that I am taking them away from. My just turned 4yo asks if we can all move in with dad, declares his hatred of me, his new town, his house, wants to stay with dad, kicks and screams when we leave, pathetically asks if dad can come with us. It is awful. The older kids cry when we don't do things all together, want me to hang out with them at their dads. It can be so shattering if I spend to much time dwelling on it.

I know exactly how you feel i did something similar sat just gone,although i didnt get to see the exabf,thankgod.
Today i feel like an utter tw*t for going near his house because i dont want him to get the wrong idea. The reason i went was because i woke up that morning to a smashed window and as the day wore on i got more and more angry and decided i would give him a piece of my mind only to find his mum was there and not him,so io had an argument with her instead.I feel awful about it but at the same time why should we feel bad for one night of madness when theyve caused a lifetime of misery? Move on forget it and learn from it. :grouphug:

we don't have to be perfect :) he can only hold this over your head if you let him.

You are glorious


if you could muster it without choking, you could apologise and then immediately let it go, if not please don't beat yourself up about it (lol and DON'T do it again!!)

then it is in the past
it doesn't matter.

oh and thumper

I'm right there with you. tbxAH hasn't had his children for the 2 hrs a week visitation that he had dropped down to for over a month now, because he thinks he'll fail the breathalyser (his words, altough all to do with it not working and drinking the night before etc), he came round to the house instead to see them and I let him because they were desperate to have time with their dad. He promises things and doesn't turn up/come through, my little lad loves him so much and has so much anger.

Much of the anger is directed at me, he blames me for everything, and some of it is rightly mine to contain. but he also repeatedly says "is there anything I could do that would stop you loving me?" and every time I emphasise that nothing, but nothing, could stop me loving him, that he is wonderful. So I know part of it is that I am a safe parent to hurl the anger at, he needs it out, it can't be sent his dad's way, because his time with dad is too fleeting and fragile. So I get the lot. and that is exhausting and I don't always handle it well.

Hi, I have the same problem with my periods, it is like from the distance I can watch my psihotic behavior but can't do anything to stop it. I was never able to control it, and always ended up feeling like I have ruined everything I've worked so hard on and had myself back at the square one. It was like that for me for years, and than I went to the homeophat and it really helped me. He gave me some remedies and now when I'm about to get my period, I still feel a bit overwhelmed but it is so much better from what it used to be. It worked for me.

I am lame and weak.

No, you are human, and hurting.

I have one ovary that is fibroid, so, every other period is like h*ll for me.

I don't know how old you are, but I had a laproscopic surgery to remove my ovaries. It lasted a couple hours, two tiny scars, but then went into menopause. I figured I was going to hit menopause eventually anyway, this just accelerated it. Don't know how horribly this affects your life, but just thinkin...


My son just thinks his dad is great, and he has not seen him in over a month.

Your young son's eyes will be opened one day. That's the nature of this, and his need to believe his dad is all that. And then he will also know how dedicated and sane you were.

Peace,

First I need to say, I am sorry you're feeling so bad
Second I REALLY need to say, a psychiatrist has NO BUSINESS diagnosing PMDD.
A Gyno or hormone specialist should be the only ones able to diagnose this with proper testing to rule out other causes.
Only a very small % of women have PMDD. It's more than likey caused by something else.
Can you be in peri or menopause?

Don't label yourself until you get a proper diagnosis.

As for your actions, I think feeling bad about something we did is not always a bad thing because the horrible feeling will help in the making of better choices next time.

I get it.

To heal jealous thoughts one just has to consider the "prize".

Is it really prize? is it really gold.

Is it Real? Or is it a Fantasy?


Sending hugs!! hope you feel better soon.

La tee Da-
Your words are so true, and I was doing really well with all of that. I actually thought I had a good foothold in not caring/ not engaging. I just, as exA would say,"took my foot off the snake".
I know what he is doing at any time has nothing to do with me, or her for that matter. Hell, he even took my side that night, he reprimanded her for butting in, asked her to leave me alone. He also left the bar with me to "support" me. I freaked on him. The last two days have been him leaving messages, clarifying his relationship with her--admitting it for probably the first time in ever, and, saying he would take all my pain away if he could...Then, of course, the late night calls came calling me a %6&8*@!

No, it doesn't have anything to do with me. You are right. He was to go on an audition yesterday, did not do it, and said it was because I broke up HIS "serenity"...Yes, he used THAT word.

He has blown off endless opportunities for years whether I was engaging him or not. I just put myself back into the position in his mind where he can blame me.

Kittyboo-

It does remind me of that toxic world. It is so dark. And he is there EVERY night. Used to be all day and night. It is his domain, his universe.
I do not feel so bad about yelling at her. I do not feel embarrassed that all those people saw me lose my sh*t. I am embarrassed with and by myself. I acted trashy. I sunk to his level, in his domain. I am also somewhat of a psuedo celebrity, and people think that makes you fair game. I lowered my own stock, but its not like anyone was like, "god..where does she get off?"
As a matter of fact, when I said to her she was one of a hundred girls, and she should consider that a public service announcement, I said everyone here knows it...The bartender nodded, the doorman said,"Thats true,but you still need to go", LOL.

I am full of rage at bar girls. It s a waste of my precious energy, but, I just see her, and all of them before her...

I am one persons' everything. One child.

Some people grant themselves a much larger margin for error than others:
My son does not stop needing me because I am weak for a minute or a week- or god forbid, a month or more! His father is just okey dokey with letting go of the reins, because I have them well in hand...most of the time.

Some days it is just too much to take in the scope of uncertainty that he faces...with his father, with his tumor...and the instinct is to go to the "partner" who shared creation of this being, try to get some footing, get some kind of gauge: do I have any support? IS there anybody else here?

And there sits the bar girl with a chip on her shoulder, real life at arms length, myopic view...no idea of what is at stake, of what water has passed under these bridges...She is sitting there, thinking that she will save him from this awful psycho ex. She will be the antidote. she is lost..
Only concerned with pissing on her new territory. She thinks its a popularity contest. And I am insulted and annoyed by her and her f%*king lipgloss, buzzing, hovering around a real person who has a real issue, truly concerned, in spite of all the hurt.

Poor thing does not even realize she is only the monkeys new banana. She will be an empty peel before long. It was truly an annoyance, and I feel like I deserve more respect. So, yes. I am reminded of all that trashy toxic crap.

Keep:
no, I would not want him back. I am lonely, though, and I resent his ability to find warm bodies and shoulders to cry on so easily. It hurts.

Thumper-
I do not actively even try to keep him from his dad, at this point. I just stopped actively ACCOMODATING his whacko terms. He does not even fight that. He said, before the girl interrupted, that he knows he is not well, and he just cannot see his son now, because he does not know how to act. Said he is still trying, again, to get himself to a place where he can be stable and provide for him. No plan to see a Dr. no plan for recovery. Its just so tragic for the 5 year old. He just misses his dad, and makes up reasons for why: "maybe daddy forgot where we live." "Maybe daddy is busy working."

He also knows his dad is troubled. And he will say that too.

As far as the periods go: I am 41. I have been having this issue with my periods for a long time, but, it has gotten worse, and it is also starting sooner after ovulation, seems every month, now.
I have a marked shift in mood, and in my ability to process stress. I had a bad reaction to anti depressants two years ago, and I am convinced that exercise will help a lot. A friend just funded me a few months at the gym to help with that. I am blessed and grateful for that. I just got started on the gym, which is my trying to walk back up the hill. I just feel like I slid down a bit this weekend.

celtic--
I also have had it out with my As mom. We decided not to discuss him at all anymore. She is very hands off, and invested in denial. She is a major part of my sons life, and her and his grandpa are pretty generous and helpful otherwise. They have always been on my side, but...They dont want the drama. I have to accept that.

Anvil---
I was trying to gather evidence, trying to get the picture again...It is a trick that I play on my mind, though. He talks out of both sides of his mouth ALWAYS, so, I dont know why I even waste the time.
Taking--
definitely fantasy. No prize. I know that, but... I know I have said this before, he is a con man, and even after knowing that, learning that...I still fake myself into thinking I want to just hear him say he cares what is going on with us. Its a trick of my mind.

Thanks, everyone. I am just going to keep on truckin.

I am not suprised as I too have had these feelings. As others, I want you to know it happened and now make the best of it and put it behind you. Lately, I've been observing more and more NC being broken. It makes me feel stronger about myself, but is nagging on me to do the same. Or, it makes me want to justify it.

I appreciate you being honest and posting what happened as I have learned from it. I think we all know it would be best to stay NC and wait for them to approach us, observe their actions, then have patience. Breaking NC is only giving into wanting the answers right away.

Keep strong, pray and talk, talk and talk.

This is JMO, but I don't think what happened was a "major setback". You learned a whole lot about yourself and your progress through the experience and it's given you a new perspective on things. I think that's awesome. Perhaps you can rename the experience "a really tough lesson".

I too, do not think this was a setback, you realise that this is not the way you would ever normally conduct yourself, and that's important. To me, this is just a slip up and a prime example of how the BS from an Alkie can bring us down to their level. Now he can sit there and say, "See, she's the crazy one." Which sucks, but what's done is done. The important thing is that you realise it. He probably liked seeing you like this - I.e. mission accomplished for him, he thinks he's succeeding in taking you down.

He likes seeing you jealous like that. It gives him a feeling of power.

There will come a time soon, when you really and truly weigh all of the cons of having been involved with this man. There will come a time when you conclude that he isn't worth the damage he is continuing to do to your life, and you will then shed those feelings for him.

Until you put yourself above him in importance, then you won't ever shed these twisted feelings his behaviour has manifested within you.

Only then will your strength return and you will no longer feel sick emotions of jealousy and worthlessness.

These feelings you are feeling toward him are not love - they are outrage! Outrage that you have allowed yourself to be treated as such! You were not in there raging at him I do not believe, you were raging at yourself.

You are infected with his disease - be rid of it!!

I can totally relate to the parenting all alone. Raising children is hard work, and most of us went into it with a plan of having a partner to help. My XAH totally shirks his responsibilities to his children, and as a result, has a very superficial relationship with them. It's sad for him, and sad for them.

At least your child (and my children) have one stable, sane parent. That's more than I had growing up. :)

L