Does anyone stay?
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I'm not trying to play control games, I just want him, and myself, to see that there are consequences to the way he treats me. That I won't just keep taking it. That it's his choice to act that way, but then I will do what I feel is best for me, to keep whatever dignity I have left at that time. I don't want it to be a power struggle at all. Does it seem like that if I don't just accept his behavior and go on?
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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I need to make a comment about this thread. If you're addict is stealing, not working and doing other destructive things, I don't think it's just part of his addiction, I think he's a thief, lazy and not mentally well.
This is not a trait of every addict. My boyfriend never stoled a thing in his life, worked since he was 13 and never did anything nuts.
Too much bad behaviour is blamed on booze. Many times, it's the person.
Bright: if your boyfriend is stealing from you and not working, then this says more about his character and no, I cannot see much happiness or success with this sort of persona
This is not a trait of every addict. My boyfriend never stoled a thing in his life, worked since he was 13 and never did anything nuts.
Too much bad behaviour is blamed on booze. Many times, it's the person.
Bright: if your boyfriend is stealing from you and not working, then this says more about his character and no, I cannot see much happiness or success with this sort of persona
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Originally Posted by BrightFuture 
I'm not trying to play control games, I just want him, and myself, to see that there are consequences to the way he treats me. That I won't just keep taking it. That it's his choice to act that way, but then I will do what I feel is best for me, to keep whatever dignity I have left at that time. I don't want it to be a power struggle at all. Does it seem like that if I don't just accept his behavior and go on?
L
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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LaTeeDa, you are right. It will only be a bluff, I guess, a way for me to feel like I am doing something in retaliation. And, that's a waste of time. He'd probably enjoy me being gone anyways, so he can sleep the binge off. Thank you for making me be honest with myself for my actions.
Summerpeach, my bf has never had to work a day in his life. Although he is in his mid twenties, his parents still pay for all his bills because they wanted him to get an education (he's been a student since he graduated high school), and because of his other mental disorders...OCD, depression, and anxiety. They truly love him a lot and want him to have every chance to succeed, but in my heart I just feel that they are dragging out his failing. He IS lazy, but that is because he has been taught that he does not need to work, that others will always take care of him.
Summerpeach, my bf has never had to work a day in his life. Although he is in his mid twenties, his parents still pay for all his bills because they wanted him to get an education (he's been a student since he graduated high school), and because of his other mental disorders...OCD, depression, and anxiety. They truly love him a lot and want him to have every chance to succeed, but in my heart I just feel that they are dragging out his failing. He IS lazy, but that is because he has been taught that he does not need to work, that others will always take care of him.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
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he made it clear that I was a C***, that he would trade me for ten dollars.
Sadly I ended up with a BF/roomie who ended up talking to me that way too, and this was after I had gotten into recovery.
That was the first and last time he ever used the C word with me. That was the final straw in an already deteriorating relationship, and he was out of the house that night.
I had finally reached the point where abuse, whether physical or emotional, was no longer acceptable in my life, period.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
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Bright future, If I saw you to talk to in person, I might ask you to consider this: What do you want for your future, five, ten, years down the road?
D o you want children? Financial stability? An opportunity to further your own education? To be a stay at home wife and mom? To be a working mom with a stay at home husband?
Some women don't bother looking for "Mr. Right" as long as they have a "Mr. Right Now." I remember an author opined that every minute a person spends with a consort who doesn't have similar goals and desires was wasting her time, and her boyfriend's time as well. The example she used was dating someone who didn't want children if you want them, yourself. There was no point, in her opinion, in going on even one more date, once you had that knowledge. You can't have half a child, and one of you was going to be seriously unhappy.
You've brought up many other issues as well, character issues that may not have anything to do with alcoholism. You sound intelligent, so I wonder why you've set the bar to be your boyfriend so very low.
D o you want children? Financial stability? An opportunity to further your own education? To be a stay at home wife and mom? To be a working mom with a stay at home husband?
Some women don't bother looking for "Mr. Right" as long as they have a "Mr. Right Now." I remember an author opined that every minute a person spends with a consort who doesn't have similar goals and desires was wasting her time, and her boyfriend's time as well. The example she used was dating someone who didn't want children if you want them, yourself. There was no point, in her opinion, in going on even one more date, once you had that knowledge. You can't have half a child, and one of you was going to be seriously unhappy.
You've brought up many other issues as well, character issues that may not have anything to do with alcoholism. You sound intelligent, so I wonder why you've set the bar to be your boyfriend so very low.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
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but in my heart I just feel that they are dragging out his failing. He IS lazy, but that is because he has been taught that he does not need to work, that others will always take care of him.
And, I agree, his parents are probably dragging out his failing, cause he will never need to learn.
Beth
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I just want him, and myself, to see that there are consequences to the way he treats me. That I won't just keep taking it. That it's his choice to act that way, but then I will do what I feel is best for me, to keep whatever dignity I have left at that time. I don't want it to be a power struggle at all.
Leaving and going No Contact sends the same message, with the advantages being:
-your ego has no say (the part that wants to 'win')
-your determination puts an end to further pain so healing can start
I am glad you are getting angry. Anger propels us forward to action.
Leaving and going No Contact sends the same message, with the advantages being:
-your ego has no say (the part that wants to 'win')
-your determination puts an end to further pain so healing can start
I am glad you are getting angry. Anger propels us forward to action.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by BrightFuture
Summerpeach, my bf has never had to work a day in his life. Although he is in his mid twenties, his parents still pay for all his bills because they wanted him to get an education (he's been a student since he graduated high school), and because of his other mental disorders...OCD, depression, and anxiety. They truly love him a lot and want him to have every chance to succeed, but in my heart I just feel that they are dragging out his failing. He IS lazy, but that is because he has been taught that he does not need to work, that others will always take care of him.
He's more than likey terrified to get a job.
Lazy, mentally inbalanced, scared whatever his issues are, all I can say is, he won't change anytime soon and you'll be always taking care of him like his parents do. That's a big and thankless job.
He needs major help.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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You sound intelligent, so I wonder why you've set the bar to be your boyfriend so very low.
I have an issue with this statement. I do not think that anyone stays in an unhealthy or destructive relationship because they are not intelligent. A statement questioning someone's mental ability has little to do with staying in a toxic relationship.
My family and a few friends said similar things to me when my ex and I broke up. Questioning MY mental state and intelligence for being with him. The last thing that someone in an abusive relationship needs is another person (even if it is well meaning) challenging their mental processes. When I was in similar shoes, I felt beaten down enough by the situation itself and did not need others (even if they were trying to help) questioning my intelligence.
I have an issue with this statement. I do not think that anyone stays in an unhealthy or destructive relationship because they are not intelligent. A statement questioning someone's mental ability has little to do with staying in a toxic relationship.
My family and a few friends said similar things to me when my ex and I broke up. Questioning MY mental state and intelligence for being with him. The last thing that someone in an abusive relationship needs is another person (even if it is well meaning) challenging their mental processes. When I was in similar shoes, I felt beaten down enough by the situation itself and did not need others (even if they were trying to help) questioning my intelligence.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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BrightFuture, Thanks for the updates.
Judging from the outside I would say this thread is all about him. About the pain he causes you and your reactions to his turmoil. As long as your focus is on him you can't focus on yourself.
I didn't cause it - I can't control it and I can't cure it.
This might not make much sense to you right now. You want him to live up to his potential, become the person he can be you might will have to let go.
When I first came to SR I was recommended "Co-Dependent no more" by Melodie Beattie. You will be able to find it at almost every book store or library. Nobody wants to make sudden decisions that they will either regret later on or "undecide" Start by reading the book. You don't have to make a decision today. Good luck
Judging from the outside I would say this thread is all about him. About the pain he causes you and your reactions to his turmoil. As long as your focus is on him you can't focus on yourself.
I didn't cause it - I can't control it and I can't cure it.
This might not make much sense to you right now. You want him to live up to his potential, become the person he can be you might will have to let go.
When I first came to SR I was recommended "Co-Dependent no more" by Melodie Beattie. You will be able to find it at almost every book store or library. Nobody wants to make sudden decisions that they will either regret later on or "undecide" Start by reading the book. You don't have to make a decision today. Good luck
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
Originally Posted by BrightFuture
I'm not trying to play control games, I just want him, and myself, to see that there are consequences to the way he treats me. That I won't just keep taking it. That it's his choice to act that way, but then I will do what I feel is best for me, to keep whatever dignity I have left at that time. I don't want it to be a power struggle at all. Does it seem like that if I don't just accept his behavior and go on?
10 months later she still doesn't see the light. She still blames me for everything, still insists she did nothing to make me not trust her, and simply says that I abandoned her.
I have come to accept that mine will not see the light. Unless they get past the denial, they won't. I will always be the bad guy.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
Originally Posted by BrightFuture
LaTeeDa, you are right. It will only be a bluff, I guess, a way for me to feel like I am doing something in retaliation. And, that's a waste of time. He'd probably enjoy me being gone anyways, so he can sleep the binge off. Thank you for making me be honest with myself for my actions.
Summerpeach, my bf has never had to work a day in his life. Although he is in his mid twenties, his parents still pay for all his bills because they wanted him to get an education (he's been a student since he graduated high school), and because of his other mental disorders...OCD, depression, and anxiety. They truly love him a lot and want him to have every chance to succeed, but in my heart I just feel that they are dragging out his failing. He IS lazy, but that is because he has been taught that he does not need to work, that others will always take care of him.
Summerpeach, my bf has never had to work a day in his life. Although he is in his mid twenties, his parents still pay for all his bills because they wanted him to get an education (he's been a student since he graduated high school), and because of his other mental disorders...OCD, depression, and anxiety. They truly love him a lot and want him to have every chance to succeed, but in my heart I just feel that they are dragging out his failing. He IS lazy, but that is because he has been taught that he does not need to work, that others will always take care of him.
Because if he's like this now, he likely won't change anytime soon.
My ex was born well-to-do, given everything, never worked, and was never taught consequences or boundaries.
This is ingrained in his character now. The presence of booze and drugs is hardly surprising, but if you take them away, the core character or lack thereof is still there.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
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I'm numb right now. I want to stay like that. When I leave in the morning for work, he will be passed out, and I want to take my dogs, our cat, and leave (I work at my family dog kennel). Probably not for ever, I know myself better than that. But he thinks I'm too weak to consider it, and I want to show him that I can. I want to show myself that I'm not a doormat, even if it's for one day. I want to stay numb, detached, and not feel those feelings that cripple me. The feelings of "Wow, a week ago, we were AMAZING." or "Once the binge is over, he will be sorry and we'll be ok again." I want him to realize that I will not be around for him to yell at, steal from, smirk at, belittle. I want him to realize there are consequences. More than anything, I want to know that.
[COLOR="Black"] Bright -
Numb isn't bad. It can help you change your behavior. So can anger. Have you felt anger yet for being treated like DIRT? From the man that is your PARTNER? Anger could help.
Why would YOU leave your family's place, if that's where you live? Why not get him out? If you're not married, you can tell yourself it is temporary, to see if he will change, but you probably know by now he has not interest in changing.
The main thing I wanted to point out is that you want to show HIM...
you're not a doormat
you won't be crippled by your thoughts and emotions
you won't stick around for him to yell at, steal from, smirk at, belittle
there are consequences
But the person you need to show and tell to...is YOU.
Begin with telling yourself you wound up with an abusive man.
This doesn't reflect on YOUR value. You DESERVE to be honored and respected and loved. He doesn't. Which makes his good times irrelevant. You DESERVE honor, respect and love.
You didn't cause him to be this way.
You can't control him.
You can't cure him.
Tell yourself what you deserve until you believe it.
Ask yourself why you would think being treated like this is okay. Who hurt you in the past? Who taught you to accept abuse?
They were wrong.
You mentioned earlier you felt very ashamed of yourself.
That's a lot of self beating up going along with his treating you badly.
Can you look into therapy?
Can you find an alanon meeting to go to?
Can you pick up a copy of Melody Beattie's Codependent No More?
Hugs and keep us updated!
Peace
[COLOR="Black"] Bright -
Numb isn't bad. It can help you change your behavior. So can anger. Have you felt anger yet for being treated like DIRT? From the man that is your PARTNER? Anger could help.
Why would YOU leave your family's place, if that's where you live? Why not get him out? If you're not married, you can tell yourself it is temporary, to see if he will change, but you probably know by now he has not interest in changing.
The main thing I wanted to point out is that you want to show HIM...
you're not a doormat
you won't be crippled by your thoughts and emotions
you won't stick around for him to yell at, steal from, smirk at, belittle
there are consequences
But the person you need to show and tell to...is YOU.
Begin with telling yourself you wound up with an abusive man.
This doesn't reflect on YOUR value. You DESERVE to be honored and respected and loved. He doesn't. Which makes his good times irrelevant. You DESERVE honor, respect and love.
You didn't cause him to be this way.
You can't control him.
You can't cure him.
Tell yourself what you deserve until you believe it.
Ask yourself why you would think being treated like this is okay. Who hurt you in the past? Who taught you to accept abuse?
They were wrong.
You mentioned earlier you felt very ashamed of yourself.
That's a lot of self beating up going along with his treating you badly.
Can you look into therapy?
Can you find an alanon meeting to go to?
Can you pick up a copy of Melody Beattie's Codependent No More?
Hugs and keep us updated!
Peace
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6
Bright: I wish there was a 'hug' feature on this site... Sounds like you have a lot of pain and confusion right now. I trust you will find the strength and clarity to do what is right for you, whatever that is, whenever it happens. Sometimes it takes a while to figure it out and no one else can do it for you. Trust your gut and take care of you.
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