Codependent No More Book Study: Chap. 16 - SET YOUR OWN GOALS
Go ask the Multivax
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Codependent No More Book Study: Chap. 16 - SET YOUR OWN GOALS
I APOLOGIZE TO THE FEW WHO FOLLOWED THIS STUDY - I DROPPED THE BALL. 
I'M BACK ON IT AND WILL DUTIFULLY CONTINUE.
I'M BACK ON IT AND WILL DUTIFULLY CONTINUE.
Link to Previous Chapters: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2567580
Codependent No More:
How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
By Melodie Beattie
Book Study
CHAPTER 16 - SET YOUR OWN GOALS
CHAPTER 16 - SET YOUR OWN GOALS
Chapter 17 will go up Wed. Morning
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
SYNOPSIS:
(Ironically, this is a very short chapter)
"Believe that life is worth living and your belief will create the fact. Be not afraid to live"
- William James
Melodie explains that the results of goal setting are magical. We get things done and make things happen. For herself, she describes an undeniable enthusiasm when goal setting. Our goal setting will take us to the places we want to go, and we'll do the things that we want to do. We'll have to get used to it because we are so used to reacting rather than simply "acting".
It's now up to us to set our dreams in motion.
Goals give us purpose and direction. She compares it to going someplace in a car. We have a plan of where we are going and what we are doing. Sometimes, something might interrupt our plan, sometimes we change our mind about where we want to go. This is all okay and normal. Setting goals and setting them in motion brings life to us. Joy. Purpose.
Part of figuring out goals lies in surrendering to your desires. If we take our goals to heart, keeps us on target to see it come to be. So, what are our goals? What do we want to see happen next week or next year? What do we want to accomplish? Here are some points to help us (paraphrased):
We need to keep in mind that things will happen when the time is right. Start setting your goals today!
Activities:
1.) Write your goals down. think of at least ten goals. Think of wants, desires, problems to be solved, etc...
2.) Review the list for "codependency characteristics" discussed in Chapter 4. make it a goal to change any characteristics that are a problem for you.
(Ironically, this is a very short chapter)
"Believe that life is worth living and your belief will create the fact. Be not afraid to live"
- William James
Melodie explains that the results of goal setting are magical. We get things done and make things happen. For herself, she describes an undeniable enthusiasm when goal setting. Our goal setting will take us to the places we want to go, and we'll do the things that we want to do. We'll have to get used to it because we are so used to reacting rather than simply "acting".
It's now up to us to set our dreams in motion.
"Desire, when harnessed is power."
- David Schwartz
- David Schwartz
Goals give us purpose and direction. She compares it to going someplace in a car. We have a plan of where we are going and what we are doing. Sometimes, something might interrupt our plan, sometimes we change our mind about where we want to go. This is all okay and normal. Setting goals and setting them in motion brings life to us. Joy. Purpose.
Part of figuring out goals lies in surrendering to your desires. If we take our goals to heart, keeps us on target to see it come to be. So, what are our goals? What do we want to see happen next week or next year? What do we want to accomplish? Here are some points to help us (paraphrased):
- Turn everything into a goal. Even if we do not know the solution, our goal can be to work on a problem. Some other gaols are planning a vacation, getting a new career, school, to make a certain salary, A new bed, etc... Everything we'd like to do or seen done should be turned into a goal. Even forgiving someone. If we want it, make it a goal.
- Omit the "shoulds". Make it a goal to get rid of 75% of them.
- Don't limit ourselves. Go for it all. If we don't get it, don't worry, we were not supposed to.
- Write goals on paper. Don't allow them to run around loosey goosey in our heads. This will give us focus and organization. Write them down - ALL of them.
- Commit our written goals to god (or the higher power of our own understanding) Remembering, "Thy will be done, not mine".
- Let go. Don't worry or obsess about goals. Don't get trapped by the "what if's". Do not over control or force.
- Do what we can one day at a time. Within the framework of time, do what is fitting and appropriate. Do what comes our way that needs to be done. "Do it in peace and faith." If it's time to do something, we will intuitively know.
- Set goals regularly and as needed. Melody does her annual goals at the beginning of each year. It indicates how she wants to live her life for the new year. Thoughout the year they can change. We'll do spot-checks to see if we have new desires or wants, or things that need to be done.
- Check off the goals that we reach. When we acheive our goals cross them out and congratulate ourselves. If we experience a goal-let down, we need to re-evaluate it. It's imporatnt to make sute that our goals have no "magical thinking" attached to them.
- Be patient. Trust in our Higher Powers timing. don't removed items from our list because we didn't get something when we thought we should have. Sometimes goals carry through years. Especially charachter changes.
We need to keep in mind that things will happen when the time is right. Start setting your goals today!
Activities:
1.) Write your goals down. think of at least ten goals. Think of wants, desires, problems to be solved, etc...
2.) Review the list for "codependency characteristics" discussed in Chapter 4. make it a goal to change any characteristics that are a problem for you.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Right. I have missed the last couple of chapters. Time to catch up!
I find this really difficult. I can maybe see what I'm doing this summer but after that? No idea...
My 10 goals - in no particular order.
1. Omit the "shoulds". Make it a goal to get rid of 75% of them.
A biggie to start with!
2. Work on getting out of my depression.
I'll be seeing a counsellor in a couple of months and I know I need to spend some time reading - I want to have a look at 'Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy' that's been sitting on my bookshelf for a year! Not doing me much good there...
3. Find car insurance before the end of the week
A small goal!
4. Try and work on my self esteem issues.
5. Find the energy/motivation to do something 'fun' this week.
6. Finally get round to sorting out my finances.
I need to stop living month to month!
7. Grow veggies in my new garden.
8. Go to the gym on Wednesday
I have an appointment for an assessment and free membership through my doctor. I really need to lose weight but an embarassed to be seen in public. This one is going to be really, really hard.
9. Phone my friend and arrange to spend some time with her.
10. Work on some long term goals!
Phew! Not so hard I guess...
I find this really difficult. I can maybe see what I'm doing this summer but after that? No idea...
My 10 goals - in no particular order.
1. Omit the "shoulds". Make it a goal to get rid of 75% of them.
A biggie to start with!
2. Work on getting out of my depression.
I'll be seeing a counsellor in a couple of months and I know I need to spend some time reading - I want to have a look at 'Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy' that's been sitting on my bookshelf for a year! Not doing me much good there...
3. Find car insurance before the end of the week
A small goal!
4. Try and work on my self esteem issues.
5. Find the energy/motivation to do something 'fun' this week.
6. Finally get round to sorting out my finances.
I need to stop living month to month!
7. Grow veggies in my new garden.
8. Go to the gym on Wednesday
I have an appointment for an assessment and free membership through my doctor. I really need to lose weight but an embarassed to be seen in public. This one is going to be really, really hard.
9. Phone my friend and arrange to spend some time with her.
10. Work on some long term goals!
Phew! Not so hard I guess...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Alizerin, you're doing top notch. I see your posts and crack the book again, so that is great!
~~
What hit me was the SHOULDS! They are like mosquitoes buzzing around our heads, aren't they? I have been working on squashing them (one of the few critters I will kill!), but I am now adding my mosquito net of self-acceptance!
Every time I think "there is no POSSIBLE way I can accept myself in this area!" I find, with time, I can.
When I am scared, goals are scary, too, because I am afraid they won't come true and more hurt will happen!
Trusting the universe that I can wish and dream and hope and plan...my ten goals:
1. Save enough money to buy a new (or newish car) this year!
2. Continue to say what I want (even if it conflicts with what my partner wants).
3. Accept me as I am, strengths, weaknesses and neutrals.
4. Focus on the positive
5. Practice guitar this summer
6. Eat less sugar
7. Plan at least 2 backcountry backpacking trips by May 1
8. Meet with a financial planner to discuss self employment deductions
9. Continue to meditate at least 5 days a week this summer.
10. Use the summer to rejuvenate, play, relax, exercise, rock climb, backpack, swim, bike and make new friends
~~
What hit me was the SHOULDS! They are like mosquitoes buzzing around our heads, aren't they? I have been working on squashing them (one of the few critters I will kill!), but I am now adding my mosquito net of self-acceptance!
Every time I think "there is no POSSIBLE way I can accept myself in this area!" I find, with time, I can.
When I am scared, goals are scary, too, because I am afraid they won't come true and more hurt will happen!
Trusting the universe that I can wish and dream and hope and plan...my ten goals:
1. Save enough money to buy a new (or newish car) this year!
2. Continue to say what I want (even if it conflicts with what my partner wants).
3. Accept me as I am, strengths, weaknesses and neutrals.
4. Focus on the positive
5. Practice guitar this summer
6. Eat less sugar
7. Plan at least 2 backcountry backpacking trips by May 1
8. Meet with a financial planner to discuss self employment deductions
9. Continue to meditate at least 5 days a week this summer.
10. Use the summer to rejuvenate, play, relax, exercise, rock climb, backpack, swim, bike and make new friends
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: FL
Posts: 194
Because I have so much trouble "focusing" or staying "on course", daily goal setting has become a way of life for me. Sooner or later, everything becomes a goal, even the smallest most mundane tasks (i.e. make that call. Tidy that drawer, etc.) It's true what Beattie says: the results of goal setting are magical. We get things done and make things happen. And it helps me have a sense of accomplishment, important when the going gets tough.
Most importantly for me however... It helps me live a life on purpose. And that is the most incredible feeling. After drifting through most of my life in an escapist fog (food, sex/relationships, alcohol, etc.)... suddenly my life has purpose. My purpose is to accomplish the goals I set for myself. Goals that help me achieve/maintain my emotional, spiritual and physical health. Goals that are in alignment with my recovery program.
One of the most interesting tools I've seen used to manifest goals are vision-boards. I've had that on my to-do list for awhile. It's a poster you create of your goals, basically a visual reminder of goals. I still struggle with setting goals that are "unattainable" in my mind, i.e. those that are beyond what I believe I can attain. Hm. Something to look at. Maybe I can work on that with a vision board.
(ps: Ali, I've misplaced my book and so am very grateful for your excellent synopsis of the chapters!)
Most importantly for me however... It helps me live a life on purpose. And that is the most incredible feeling. After drifting through most of my life in an escapist fog (food, sex/relationships, alcohol, etc.)... suddenly my life has purpose. My purpose is to accomplish the goals I set for myself. Goals that help me achieve/maintain my emotional, spiritual and physical health. Goals that are in alignment with my recovery program.
One of the most interesting tools I've seen used to manifest goals are vision-boards. I've had that on my to-do list for awhile. It's a poster you create of your goals, basically a visual reminder of goals. I still struggle with setting goals that are "unattainable" in my mind, i.e. those that are beyond what I believe I can attain. Hm. Something to look at. Maybe I can work on that with a vision board.
(ps: Ali, I've misplaced my book and so am very grateful for your excellent synopsis of the chapters!)
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
1.) Write your goals down. think of at least ten goals. Think of wants, desires, problems to be solved, etc...
1.) Financial Independence/Job
2.) Volunteer at a group home
3.) Create a magnum Opus piece of artwork
4.) Physical Health - I need a physical for one thing, hadn't had one in years (blush)
5.) My own friggin car!
6.) A painting Class
7.) Redecorate my home
8.) Go through my 1,487,875 items of clothing that I've accumulated from Goodwill and face the fact I'll never be a size 1 to fit into that gorgeous dress.
9.) Find an aerobics buddy
10.) Plan a vacation and commit to going on one within 12 months of TODAY.
2.) Review the list for "codependency characteristics" discussed in Chapter 4. make it a goal to change any characteristics that are a problem for you.
Ewww.
Okay:
Get angry, defensive, self-righteous, and indignant when others blame and criticize.
Get artificial self-worth from helping others
Trying to prove I'm good enough for other people
Feel unable to quit talking, thinking, and worrying about other people
Thinking I know how people should behave and feel.
Looking for happiness outside of myself
Desperately seek love and approval
Look to relationships to provide my "feel good" feelings
Gradually compromise and repress my needs
Oh, a whole slew of others, but this is enough for now!
1.) Financial Independence/Job
2.) Volunteer at a group home
3.) Create a magnum Opus piece of artwork
4.) Physical Health - I need a physical for one thing, hadn't had one in years (blush)
5.) My own friggin car!
6.) A painting Class
7.) Redecorate my home
8.) Go through my 1,487,875 items of clothing that I've accumulated from Goodwill and face the fact I'll never be a size 1 to fit into that gorgeous dress.
9.) Find an aerobics buddy
10.) Plan a vacation and commit to going on one within 12 months of TODAY.
2.) Review the list for "codependency characteristics" discussed in Chapter 4. make it a goal to change any characteristics that are a problem for you.
Ewww.
Okay:
Get angry, defensive, self-righteous, and indignant when others blame and criticize.
Get artificial self-worth from helping others
Trying to prove I'm good enough for other people
Feel unable to quit talking, thinking, and worrying about other people
Thinking I know how people should behave and feel.
Looking for happiness outside of myself
Desperately seek love and approval
Look to relationships to provide my "feel good" feelings
Gradually compromise and repress my needs
Oh, a whole slew of others, but this is enough for now!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Alizeran - good for you for making the "eww" list...why not rewrite them in positive terms?
Mine from that chapter:
1. Allow others to solve their own problems without my advice, suggestions or fixing (OHH that's hard when it is written that way!); remind myself that I do NOT know better than them how they should live their life.
2. Regularly remind myself that others' words, thoughts and behaviors are about THEM, not me.
3. Take bold action, allowing my product to be less than perfect
4. Make decisions decisively and promptly
5. Allow myself to get less done than the should monster whines that I should.
6. Celebrate others exactly who they are.
7. Accept myself AS IS, knowing I am ENOUGH for me and that's the only one that matters; BE myself no matter the reception by others.
8. Cut my complaints and accept or take action to change the situation
9. Trust myself, my feelings, and my decisions
10. Remind myself my or other people's anger won't hurt me; I can hear it, feel it, and accept it.
Mine from that chapter:
1. Allow others to solve their own problems without my advice, suggestions or fixing (OHH that's hard when it is written that way!); remind myself that I do NOT know better than them how they should live their life.
2. Regularly remind myself that others' words, thoughts and behaviors are about THEM, not me.
3. Take bold action, allowing my product to be less than perfect
4. Make decisions decisively and promptly
5. Allow myself to get less done than the should monster whines that I should.
6. Celebrate others exactly who they are.
7. Accept myself AS IS, knowing I am ENOUGH for me and that's the only one that matters; BE myself no matter the reception by others.
8. Cut my complaints and accept or take action to change the situation
9. Trust myself, my feelings, and my decisions
10. Remind myself my or other people's anger won't hurt me; I can hear it, feel it, and accept it.
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