He showed up AGAIN

Old 04-17-2010, 10:32 PM
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He showed up AGAIN

Man, you would think that the words NO CONTACT would make sense. I described it in detail to him... no phone calls, no emails, no showing up at my house when you feel like it.

He pulled in and non -chalantly got out of the car today, just happened to be the exact same time I come home from work every afternoon to let my dog out. Acted like everything was fine, asking me if he could take Missy (the dog) to the woods for a walk, trying to start a conversation.

I finally looked at him and said, "what are you doing here???"

They just don't get it.

We try to explain to them how we are thinking, why we want to do things a certain way. Give me space. Call me when you get your 6 moth chip from AA. But we are wasting our breath. They don't hear us. I KNOW I have told him numerous times over the past three weeks to leave me alone. He had the audacity to say that I wasn't clear enough with my wishes, and he can't "read between the lines, how was he supposed to know what I meant?" As if he the fact that he is ****ing up yet again is somehow my fault?

I read on here all the time about this stuff, about them trying to focus on our co~dependance instead of their own problems. About how they just don't seem to take no for an answer. About how they just won't leave you alone. He is addicted to me, I am an obsession. This is NOT love. He knows how upset it makes me when he comes to the house and I have to ask him to leave, argue with him. And he still does it repeatedly. He DOESN'T care how I feel, what this does to me. All he is concerned about is controlling me. He wants to change my mind, period. What he wants, and thinks I should want and thinks I need, are more important to him than anything, including my happiness. If this is what you call love, you can count me out. Looks like he needs the co-dependant self help book more than I do. Should have thought about that before he left it at my doorstep.

My point is, for those of you /us who read on these pages and say to ourselves "mine's not like that" or "he would never do that, not my boyfriend"... think again. This is obviously alcoholic behavior in it's most basic form. Any misunderstanding is always someone else's fault. What they want is always more important than what anyone else wants. I am so floored by the things he is doing. A friggin monkey would know that if i say I don't want to talk to you for 6 months, you can be sure of what my reaction will be if a week later you insist that I move in with you. I never realized how detached from reality they are.

He had the nerve to say to me, "why won't you let me love you? do you want ANYONE to love you?" The intended guilt trip here, is priceless. I would never had recognized it without this forum and my al anon rooms. Trying to make me feel guilty, or like there is something wrong with me because I won't essentially do what he wants me to do (let him into my life). The last straw that they grasp at... "if i can make them feel like there is something wrong with them for turning me away, I will win. I need to convince them that I am the best thing they can get". Thank God I know better, and it is because of all of you, sharing your stories. We all deserve better.


He has an addiction to alcohol. He has an obsession with me.

Now what? I've got friends on call, just like Misha. Do i need to get the police involved? We all think, "they would never do anything to hurt me" but I just posted the other day about not waiting until it was too late. I can't believe I'm even talking about this.

WTF do I do now?
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Old 04-17-2010, 10:43 PM
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Get It.

Did you call the police?::
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Old 04-17-2010, 11:21 PM
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hi kitty-

Sounds to me like you get it.
Your dead on correct in your assessment of the mentality involved.

Well -
first - I'd write this incident up.
date time what happened - what you said etc.
especially the part about NO CONTACT.

if he calls -
you don't have to take the call -
but write it down.
email, snail mail - drive bys ....

same thing.

The MINUTE - the SECOND - you feel unsafe -
contact the police.
Show them your list.

FOLLOW YOUR GUT.

If your gut says to drop everything and go buy a blue shirt-
drip everything and buy a blue shirt.

I'm, serious.

If your gut is saying to take it to a higher level -
make your statement. copy your list.
and go file a report.

In the cities where I lived -
only one was unconcerned about making any type of record
until violence had occurred.
(screw you to this day whitehall, MT)


good for you keeping your head.

you're not alone.
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Old 04-17-2010, 11:37 PM
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Originally Posted by kittykitty View Post
Man, you would think that the words NO CONTACT would make sense. I described it in detail to him... no phone calls, no emails, no showing up at my house when you feel like it.

He pulled in and non -chalantly got out of the car today, just happened to be the exact same time I come home from work every afternoon to let my dog out. Acted like everything was fine, asking me if he could take Missy (the dog) to the woods for a walk, trying to start a conversation.

I finally looked at him and said, "what are you doing here???"

They just don't get it.
They get it. Mine would do the same thing. He'd drink, I'd say, "don't contact me" and he'd call and email and leave really cheerful messages as if nothing happened, no big deal, just another day (until I finally blocked him). It's like they think if they pretend nothing happened and everything's fine, we'll just pretend too, or forget? It's insulting really, and infuriating! I feel your pain.
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Old 04-17-2010, 11:40 PM
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Because it worked in the past.
It worked with Mommy.
It worked with everyone, really.

now things have changed.

they will continue their lies in every other aspect -
but now the lying has come to a stop in one area.

Personally - I think you're doing great.
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Old 04-18-2010, 05:02 AM
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Somehow the lesson is that pretending to live hurts less than actually living. Maybe alkie parents? who knows. After my year long analysis of XABF I determined it came from his mom's death and the denial of any mourning on his family.

With alcohol you pretend you moved on. You're OK with someone. You pretend you don't give a damn.
With alcohol you pretend you are happy.
You pretend you're popular.
You pretend you're funny.
You pretend strangers around are close friends.
You pretend you are sexually fulfilled.
You pretend you enjoy life more than anyone else.

Like those flashy pieces of jewelry that are fake but you only notice it when you get close to the shop.
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Old 04-18-2010, 06:36 AM
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good for you, kitty.

you're right - he is not capable of "hearing" you.

so one day, we don't bother trying anymore.

i'm glad you're doing so well with this. it sure sucks.
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Old 04-18-2010, 07:37 AM
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For me...one of the interesting dynamics of no contact is not even explaining to them what you're doing...

IMO... explaining it to them is yet another way they manage to manipulate contact... "No Johnny don't put your finger in the light socket ... it will shock you".... adults don't need this kind of coddling..... no contact is no contact... they figure it out.

Take care.
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Old 04-18-2010, 12:59 PM
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No contact means NO CONTACT. That means no explaining to him why you're going no contact. No asking "why are you here?" when he shows up at your house. No words, no e-mails, no phone calls, no text messages, no answering the phone when he calls, no viewing his text messages or reading his e-mails. If he knows your forum name and is aware that you post on SR, no posts about him or his attempts to contact you.

Every time he calls you and gets a response or reads one on this forum--any response at all, good or bad--he believes he still has a way in. If he shows up at your home, call 911 and let the police handle it. Let all phone calls go to your answering machine.

Two weeks of absolutely no contact is usually all it takes to yield positive results. For more information on how to stop stalking behavior, pick up a copy of "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker or call a domestic abuse hotline.
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Old 04-18-2010, 01:16 PM
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I don't have all the details here but if you do in fact feel threatened then you have to call the cops. But what a cop can do is limited unless you have an actual restraining order or he is in fact committing a crime. They can get him to leave but can't stop him from coming around unless there is a legal order to do so. Just telling someone that they cannot come around is difficult to enforce if you are in fact opening the door and letting them in. Sounds like you aren't there yet but are recognizing his obsession and I'd encourage you to take more definitive legal steps to stop him. Maybe the threat of you telling him you are ready to get a restraining order could be enough but tread lightly and contact people who know more about this stuff so they can advise you. You don't want to escalate the situation either.
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Old 04-19-2010, 07:33 AM
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Thank you to everyone for their ideas and support.

I have made a record of the incident. And I can go back and see all the records of phone calls and messages sent to my phone as well, so that's good. I hope it doesn't need to go any further than this.

I guess I'm just so amazed about how bad he got. Weeks ago when I decided to break it off with him, I said "you can come back and see me after you're 6 months sober and working a program. Until then, don't contact me, call me, or come over anymore. Let me have my space, and go take care of yourself." I guess that was just too nice. Who knows what our future would have held if he just did that, respected me and my boundaries. But now we will never know, and I'm sure it happened this way for the better. My sponsor told me that I was probably the first one to ever say "no" to him, like Barb said. He doesn't know what to do when he doesn't get what he wants.

He called my phone about 5 hours after this last incident, and left a message, apologizing for upsetting me, and to let me know that he's decided to give me my space and work on himself, and call me in 6 months. I find it entertaining that he likes to say it as if it is his idea. More Alkie craziness i guess, never admitting defeat.

Proof that even if they aren't drinking, they still have the same demons controlling them. Such a shame really. I've learned so much from him, and I can't even thank him for the life changing and eye opening lessons.
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