good recovery
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 3
good recovery
Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and possibly make some suggestions.
My ah has been doing really well with his recovery. I think this time he really hit bottom and is working his steps with his sponsor.
I am very supportive of him and things have gone really well. He is a great guy. Because of the drinking our marriage has taken a toll and we are working on that together as well.
Here is my dilemma: He is working step 4 and 5 at this time. And i know, that he has had done some really bad things since we have been married. this is his second marriage. There were several occasions when he had to go out of town for work, that was usually the time he relapsed as well. I know there have been escort services that he called, was to drunk to go through with it. He has gone home with strippers (not sure what went on once there), hit on girls and so on. (he has done much worse in the past, but i think the past is the past. and other then it playing a role in my fear... i am o.k. with that)
I know some of these things because i snooped. Others i "just know".
my question is, will or should he ever tell me? i am trying to let go of it. and for the most part i think i have. but it is hard to let go of something that he has not told me. I am a person who needs to know things and then i will deal with them. I dont want to hold these things over his head. i feel like i have the right for him to tell me. i have the right to "force" him to tell me.
we talk a lot about his drunk past and he knows about my fear that he has or will cheat.
Thanks!
My ah has been doing really well with his recovery. I think this time he really hit bottom and is working his steps with his sponsor.
I am very supportive of him and things have gone really well. He is a great guy. Because of the drinking our marriage has taken a toll and we are working on that together as well.
Here is my dilemma: He is working step 4 and 5 at this time. And i know, that he has had done some really bad things since we have been married. this is his second marriage. There were several occasions when he had to go out of town for work, that was usually the time he relapsed as well. I know there have been escort services that he called, was to drunk to go through with it. He has gone home with strippers (not sure what went on once there), hit on girls and so on. (he has done much worse in the past, but i think the past is the past. and other then it playing a role in my fear... i am o.k. with that)
I know some of these things because i snooped. Others i "just know".
my question is, will or should he ever tell me? i am trying to let go of it. and for the most part i think i have. but it is hard to let go of something that he has not told me. I am a person who needs to know things and then i will deal with them. I dont want to hold these things over his head. i feel like i have the right for him to tell me. i have the right to "force" him to tell me.
we talk a lot about his drunk past and he knows about my fear that he has or will cheat.
Thanks!
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
Hey there,
I can't help you from experience I'm afraid, I have never had a relationship with a recovering alcoholic. But I wanted to say hi, and welcome to the forum.
From a completely "I don't know anything about this" standpoint: Sounds like you've got a lot going on there, unresolved issues etc, festering away with them can't be good, so you need to do something with them.
as far as "in the past": the behaviour may be (that has yet to be determined) but its effects aren't, they are hurting you now. You can't force anyone to share or be truthful or discuss something. Do you have a therapist or sponsor for yourself you could discuss this with, and how best to explore it with your Husband (if you can)?
I can't help you from experience I'm afraid, I have never had a relationship with a recovering alcoholic. But I wanted to say hi, and welcome to the forum.
From a completely "I don't know anything about this" standpoint: Sounds like you've got a lot going on there, unresolved issues etc, festering away with them can't be good, so you need to do something with them.
as far as "in the past": the behaviour may be (that has yet to be determined) but its effects aren't, they are hurting you now. You can't force anyone to share or be truthful or discuss something. Do you have a therapist or sponsor for yourself you could discuss this with, and how best to explore it with your Husband (if you can)?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
froggrog,
Welcome to the forum. You will find a lot of experience strength and hope here.
Have you ever read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie? It will help you immensely to process what is happening with you while your husband is in recovery.
I am a recovering alcoholic and I was married to an alcoholic/crack addict. Speaking from my own experience, what I shared with my sponsor with step 4 and 5 was between me, my sponsor and my higher power. We discover how our character defects affect our actions and ask humbly for them to be removed. Another thing to mention is when making amends for past behavior, we do so, unless it will cause harm to someone.
I believe that if your husband were to confess every wrongdoing to you, it would harm you greatly. Please do not force this issue.
I also suggest you find an AlAnon meeting to attend, those people will be a great support for you while you are struggling with all that goes with being married to an alcoholic.
Please continue to come here and ask for support and advice.
Beth
Welcome to the forum. You will find a lot of experience strength and hope here.
Have you ever read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie? It will help you immensely to process what is happening with you while your husband is in recovery.
I am a recovering alcoholic and I was married to an alcoholic/crack addict. Speaking from my own experience, what I shared with my sponsor with step 4 and 5 was between me, my sponsor and my higher power. We discover how our character defects affect our actions and ask humbly for them to be removed. Another thing to mention is when making amends for past behavior, we do so, unless it will cause harm to someone.
I believe that if your husband were to confess every wrongdoing to you, it would harm you greatly. Please do not force this issue.
I also suggest you find an AlAnon meeting to attend, those people will be a great support for you while you are struggling with all that goes with being married to an alcoholic.
Please continue to come here and ask for support and advice.
Beth
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 3
Beth,
Thank you so much for your kind words. Everything is so much better now that he is serious about recovery, but harder too in some ways. I am sure you know what i mean. I will check the book you reccomend out at the library! Thanks. We have a little baby and i am just not quite ready to leave him alone with him to go to alanon. This has been a hard thing to admit! he is just not patient enough yet. He does not soothe the baby when he is crying. He just holds him at arms lenght and tells him to "relax", "ur exaggerating", "being ridicules".
Beth, do you think he will want to tell me about some of the things? Not by me forcing him. Will he eventually do it on his own?
Thank you again for your support.
Thank you so much for your kind words. Everything is so much better now that he is serious about recovery, but harder too in some ways. I am sure you know what i mean. I will check the book you reccomend out at the library! Thanks. We have a little baby and i am just not quite ready to leave him alone with him to go to alanon. This has been a hard thing to admit! he is just not patient enough yet. He does not soothe the baby when he is crying. He just holds him at arms lenght and tells him to "relax", "ur exaggerating", "being ridicules".
Beth, do you think he will want to tell me about some of the things? Not by me forcing him. Will he eventually do it on his own?
Thank you again for your support.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
You are welcome froggrog.
Yes, I do know what you mean about it being harder. That book will help you, and you do need help.
My hope for you is that once you start to take care of yourself, you will not want to know.
I would be concerned if my ex wanted to tell me of his exploits while he was drunk, I knew what he was up to, I was being told by coworkers.
I had myself tested and then started to learn to detach my emotions from his actions.
Please keep posting, take care of yourself so you can take care of that baby.
"Relax"? well, i never tried that one. LOL
Yes, I do know what you mean about it being harder. That book will help you, and you do need help.
My hope for you is that once you start to take care of yourself, you will not want to know.
I would be concerned if my ex wanted to tell me of his exploits while he was drunk, I knew what he was up to, I was being told by coworkers.
I had myself tested and then started to learn to detach my emotions from his actions.
Please keep posting, take care of yourself so you can take care of that baby.
"Relax"? well, i never tried that one. LOL
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